No chance of closure?
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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No chance of closure?
Hi, guys!
As someone who has been so blissfully unaware of my bf's addictions up until the point where he checked himself into a rehab, I have truly witnessed my world turning upside down in a matter of months. Nevertheless, with his recovery seemingly going so well, all these months seemed to go by full of hope and love - and plans for the rosy future for the both of us together....
Up until the point where I realised that it was all I ever really cared about: no ambitions, no dreams of my own...my whole life seemed to be on hold, just waiting for him to get better, because my life wasn't worth enjoying it on my own. Thankfully, these thoughts drove me straight to Al-Anon; however, there I also gradually realised that in order for me to start my own recovery, I really needed to be alone...at least for a while, while I get my head together.
Needless to say that, as a codie, I'm overwhelmed by feelings of guilt and fear, although I've been assured that rehab is the best environment for him to weather the break-up. I understand very well that recovery must always come from within but I also know that he was holding onto me for dear life throughout these months and I feel like I have let him down terribly. I've also been obsessing over the things I should say to him to make him understand my reasons-even though rationally I understand that I cannot control his reactions nor the outcome of this conversation.
The worst thing is, however, I haven't even had the chance to properly break the news to him. I spoke to his therapist a few days ago, who was every bit understanding and suggested I do it sooner than later if I really feel that way. Yet, knowing how sensitive my bf is about anything that concerns the prospect of our relationship coming to an end, I wouldn't be surprised if he would be deliberately not calling me if he suspected something - previously, we would speak regularly, now there has been radio silence for a whole week. Due to my current circumstances, I cannot travel to see him in person and I cannot get hold of him either-unless he reaches out to me. The prospect of me not being able to at least try and explain myself is killing me and I'm not sure what to do. I can give him time to come around but what if he never does?
Has anyone here been in a similar situation? Thank you for sharing!
As someone who has been so blissfully unaware of my bf's addictions up until the point where he checked himself into a rehab, I have truly witnessed my world turning upside down in a matter of months. Nevertheless, with his recovery seemingly going so well, all these months seemed to go by full of hope and love - and plans for the rosy future for the both of us together....
Up until the point where I realised that it was all I ever really cared about: no ambitions, no dreams of my own...my whole life seemed to be on hold, just waiting for him to get better, because my life wasn't worth enjoying it on my own. Thankfully, these thoughts drove me straight to Al-Anon; however, there I also gradually realised that in order for me to start my own recovery, I really needed to be alone...at least for a while, while I get my head together.
Needless to say that, as a codie, I'm overwhelmed by feelings of guilt and fear, although I've been assured that rehab is the best environment for him to weather the break-up. I understand very well that recovery must always come from within but I also know that he was holding onto me for dear life throughout these months and I feel like I have let him down terribly. I've also been obsessing over the things I should say to him to make him understand my reasons-even though rationally I understand that I cannot control his reactions nor the outcome of this conversation.
The worst thing is, however, I haven't even had the chance to properly break the news to him. I spoke to his therapist a few days ago, who was every bit understanding and suggested I do it sooner than later if I really feel that way. Yet, knowing how sensitive my bf is about anything that concerns the prospect of our relationship coming to an end, I wouldn't be surprised if he would be deliberately not calling me if he suspected something - previously, we would speak regularly, now there has been radio silence for a whole week. Due to my current circumstances, I cannot travel to see him in person and I cannot get hold of him either-unless he reaches out to me. The prospect of me not being able to at least try and explain myself is killing me and I'm not sure what to do. I can give him time to come around but what if he never does?
Has anyone here been in a similar situation? Thank you for sharing!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,430
Not while the addict was in rehab, but you have to take care of you.
It is very insightful realizing how much you weren't living taking care of him,
and healthy to want to step back from that IMO.
When I broke up with my addict, I did have face-to-face
but he didn't want to hear or validate my reasons anyway, so
don't put too much hope in that.
Most addicts are pretty much sure everything that happens
to them is someone else's fault anyway.
At least until they are strong in recovery. . .
I think a letter if he isn't calling.
You may have to find your own closure without his input,
but he should have the opportunity to work through the breakup
while in a supportive environment with his therapist.
It is very insightful realizing how much you weren't living taking care of him,
and healthy to want to step back from that IMO.
When I broke up with my addict, I did have face-to-face
but he didn't want to hear or validate my reasons anyway, so
don't put too much hope in that.
Most addicts are pretty much sure everything that happens
to them is someone else's fault anyway.
At least until they are strong in recovery. . .
I think a letter if he isn't calling.
You may have to find your own closure without his input,
but he should have the opportunity to work through the breakup
while in a supportive environment with his therapist.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it's interesting....you have this strong desire to explain why YOU want to break up and yet HE is the one not making contact. think about that. it's possible that he has made some decisions regarding the relationship as well. you spoke to his therapist and he is in the best environment possible to work thru things......and trust me he is working thru a LOT more than just this relationship!!!!!
take care of yourself. we don't always get "closure" where everything is all wrapped up nice and tidy with a bow on top. relationships end ALL the time. and the world continues to spin on it's axis, the sun rises, the tides ebb and flow.
take care of yourself. we don't always get "closure" where everything is all wrapped up nice and tidy with a bow on top. relationships end ALL the time. and the world continues to spin on it's axis, the sun rises, the tides ebb and flow.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 10
Thank you both! It is a valid point that the conversation I'm hoping for might never bring the kind of closure/results I anticipate - nor would it be met with love and understanding. If the tables were turned, however, I think I would want some answers but we're all different people and, perhaps, for some it is easier to just walk away.
I am deliberating a letter, however. If for nothing else, then for getting my own head together and finally sleeping at night, knowing that I have done all I could to reach out to this person...
I am deliberating a letter, however. If for nothing else, then for getting my own head together and finally sleeping at night, knowing that I have done all I could to reach out to this person...
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i think it's important to keep in mind that you were unaware he even HAD a problem...and that your relationship was always a bit of a myth. you made the decision to make the break for YOU........and that is probably best, no,it IS best....so YOU can begin to heal.
often writing out our thoughts, with no intention of sending them off, can be meaningful and provide clarity for us. for truly if you want to be heard, then YOU must listen to your own internal wisdom.
often writing out our thoughts, with no intention of sending them off, can be meaningful and provide clarity for us. for truly if you want to be heard, then YOU must listen to your own internal wisdom.
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I was the alcoholic in this sort of relationship. She started attending Al-Anon and realized she had to set her boundaries.
It hurt like Hell that she did this right as I was entering wholeheartedly into recovery, but with the benefit of sober hindsight, her skepticism was and is justified; and though it still hurts, I think it's better for my sobriety that I address it without the clutter of a dysfunctional relationship.
I agree with the above suggestion to write a letter. Understand that you'll be writing that letter for your benefit as well as his information. I also agree with the above points that closure may not be attainable, and that he may have decided already. It might be that he simply can't voice his feelings right now.
Write your feelings down. If you feel comfortable sending do so. If not, don't. But don't assume blame that isn't yours to own, and heal yourself. That is your first task.
It hurt like Hell that she did this right as I was entering wholeheartedly into recovery, but with the benefit of sober hindsight, her skepticism was and is justified; and though it still hurts, I think it's better for my sobriety that I address it without the clutter of a dysfunctional relationship.
I agree with the above suggestion to write a letter. Understand that you'll be writing that letter for your benefit as well as his information. I also agree with the above points that closure may not be attainable, and that he may have decided already. It might be that he simply can't voice his feelings right now.
Write your feelings down. If you feel comfortable sending do so. If not, don't. But don't assume blame that isn't yours to own, and heal yourself. That is your first task.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 196
Why do you feel you need to explain yourself? If you've made a decision, that's that. You don't need anyone else's agreement, or approval, or anything.
(As a codie myself, I am speaking to me as well as you.)
Sending you good thoughts.
(As a codie myself, I am speaking to me as well as you.)
Sending you good thoughts.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Thank you Thumpalumpacus! It's insightful getting the perspective from the other side of the fence - and I'm sorry about your painful experience. Did you ever consider renewing the relationship or it was too late for that?
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Originally Posted by TimeForMe 
Why do you feel you need to explain yourself? If you've made a decision, that's that. You don't need anyone else's agreement, or approval, or anything.
(As a codie myself, I am speaking to me as well as you.)
Sending you good thoughts.
(As a codie myself, I am speaking to me as well as you.)
Sending you good thoughts.
to be honest, the more time goes by, the fewer resons I seem to find for trying to desperately hunt down someone who clearly doesn't want to talk. However, I'm wary of getting too worked up about it because I realise that anger also isn't the best place to be operating from. my primary intention, however, was about delivering the news in person, instead of making someone else do it for me. it just feels like the respectful way of ending something that I have held dear for quite some time.
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Originally Posted by winterday
Thank you Thumpalumpacus! It's insightful getting the perspective from the other side of the fence - and I'm sorry about your painful experience. Did you ever consider renewing the relationship or it was too late for that?
To answer your question, we're in limbo right now, so my only pertinent response is the Serenity Prayer. I love her, but cannot afford the luxury of hoping that she'll see fit to forgive me and take me back. My sobriety is more important than anything else, and the potential disappointment of dashed hopes is not an obstacle I should invite into my own path.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 196
You wrote: "my primary intention, however, was about delivering the news in person, instead of making someone else do it for me. it just feels like the respectful way of ending something that I have held dear for quite some time"
I completely get that. It seems like the mature and respectful thing to do. I am having my AH served with divorce papers this week, and I am torn up about telling him that they're coming vs not telling him. I chose to not tell him because in our last conversation, he blamed me for almost everything that ever went wrong in the history of the world, and I know he's speaking from anger and hurt. That does not mean I need to subject myself to more of the same. It hurts me so badly to know that I am hurting him, but as someone on this board wisely wrote, my feelings are just as important as his, and I know if I tell him in advance, he will choose to hurt me with his words. I'm done with that.
If they only took as much care with our feelings as we do with theirs...
Sending you strength and peace.
I completely get that. It seems like the mature and respectful thing to do. I am having my AH served with divorce papers this week, and I am torn up about telling him that they're coming vs not telling him. I chose to not tell him because in our last conversation, he blamed me for almost everything that ever went wrong in the history of the world, and I know he's speaking from anger and hurt. That does not mean I need to subject myself to more of the same. It hurts me so badly to know that I am hurting him, but as someone on this board wisely wrote, my feelings are just as important as his, and I know if I tell him in advance, he will choose to hurt me with his words. I'm done with that.
If they only took as much care with our feelings as we do with theirs...
Sending you strength and peace.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
but I also know that he was holding onto me for dear life throughout these months and I feel like I have let him down terribly (winterday)
^^^^ this above statement, got my attention.^^^^
Addicts are selfish. period.
Life revolves around them, and their Drug of choice. Their main objective each and every day is to pollute/numb their mind and body.
You have every right to live a life free of addiction, You have nothing to feel guilty or remorseful about. The "he is holding on to me for dear life" thinking, is exactly what can keep us stuck in a rut, paralyzed in fear of the unknown.
Best I can offer, keep the focus on you, and allow him to work his own recovery, if he is going to truly try, he will do this on his own, regardless if you are in his life or not.
take care, keep posting it helps to get it all out.
^^^^ this above statement, got my attention.^^^^
Addicts are selfish. period.
Life revolves around them, and their Drug of choice. Their main objective each and every day is to pollute/numb their mind and body.
You have every right to live a life free of addiction, You have nothing to feel guilty or remorseful about. The "he is holding on to me for dear life" thinking, is exactly what can keep us stuck in a rut, paralyzed in fear of the unknown.
Best I can offer, keep the focus on you, and allow him to work his own recovery, if he is going to truly try, he will do this on his own, regardless if you are in his life or not.
take care, keep posting it helps to get it all out.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Originally Posted by marie1960
but I also know that he was holding onto me for dear life throughout these months and I feel like I have let him down terribly (winterday)
^^^^ this above statement, got my attention.^^^^
Addicts are selfish. period.
Life revolves around them, and their Drug of choice. Their main objective each and every day is to pollute/numb their mind and body.
You have every right to live a life free of addiction, You have nothing to feel guilty or remorseful about. The "he is holding on to me for dear life" thinking, is exactly what can keep us stuck in a rut, paralyzed in fear of the unknown.
Best I can offer, keep the focus on you, and allow him to work his own recovery, if he is going to truly try, he will do this on his own, regardless if you are in his life or not.
take care, keep posting it helps to get it all out.
^^^^ this above statement, got my attention.^^^^
Addicts are selfish. period.
Life revolves around them, and their Drug of choice. Their main objective each and every day is to pollute/numb their mind and body.
You have every right to live a life free of addiction, You have nothing to feel guilty or remorseful about. The "he is holding on to me for dear life" thinking, is exactly what can keep us stuck in a rut, paralyzed in fear of the unknown.
Best I can offer, keep the focus on you, and allow him to work his own recovery, if he is going to truly try, he will do this on his own, regardless if you are in his life or not.
take care, keep posting it helps to get it all out.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I think you're tremendously wise and strong to realize what you have before you get sucked into the rabbit hole of hoping that your addict bf recovers, stays recovered and believing the words he spoke about wanting to be there for you when his actions probably didn't match...
Good for you for looking out for yourself!
Good for you for looking out for yourself!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
You don’t need answers or explanations to find closure, closure comes from inside you.
For a codie to end a relationship it’s kind of similar to an alcoholic giving up booze, not as easy as one thinks.
Now is your time just like it’s his time to solely focus on your recovery.
Abstinence from calling him, contacting him, writing to him, having a 2nd party talk to him…….is your best tool right now along with your meetings.
For a codie to end a relationship it’s kind of similar to an alcoholic giving up booze, not as easy as one thinks.
Now is your time just like it’s his time to solely focus on your recovery.
Abstinence from calling him, contacting him, writing to him, having a 2nd party talk to him…….is your best tool right now along with your meetings.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy
I think you're tremendously wise and strong to realize what you have before you get sucked into the rabbit hole of hoping that your addict bf recovers, stays recovered and believing the words he spoke about wanting to be there for you when his actions probably didn't match...
Good for you for looking out for yourself!
Good for you for looking out for yourself!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,430
Although there is always possibility of relapse,
many addicts do recover and lead "normal" happy lives.
I would count myself as one of these--
I have had a few brief relapses (trying to moderate) but have been sober
overall for nearly four years now.
I have rebuilt my life, my relationships, and come to terms
with what was "driving" my desire to numb my emotions and drink.
I don't feel like I'm in a lifelong struggle at this point.
I am careful in what I allow into my life to avoid triggering cravings,
but frankly, now that I understand moderation will never be possible
I have no desire or compulsion to drink.
I work a healthy recovery program and have moved on with my life.
So I think compassion is good, but perhaps "pity" is not so helpful.
Your addict is getting the tools to recover if he so chooses.
If he doesn't, that's his choice as an adult too.
Either way, it's great you have chosen freedom and healing for you
many addicts do recover and lead "normal" happy lives.
I would count myself as one of these--
I have had a few brief relapses (trying to moderate) but have been sober
overall for nearly four years now.
I have rebuilt my life, my relationships, and come to terms
with what was "driving" my desire to numb my emotions and drink.
I don't feel like I'm in a lifelong struggle at this point.
I am careful in what I allow into my life to avoid triggering cravings,
but frankly, now that I understand moderation will never be possible
I have no desire or compulsion to drink.
I work a healthy recovery program and have moved on with my life.
So I think compassion is good, but perhaps "pity" is not so helpful.
Your addict is getting the tools to recover if he so chooses.
If he doesn't, that's his choice as an adult too.
Either way, it's great you have chosen freedom and healing for you
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Hawkeye13, LexieCat I'm glad to hear it that you both have managed to return to happy and sober lives. It' s just that so many threads on this forum tell the same story of multiple rehabs, multiple relapses and a lifetime of struggle, I have come to accept it as an inevitable reality of life for an addict/with an addict. It's great to know there is still hope!
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Originally Posted by atalose
You don’t need answers or explanations to find closure, closure comes from inside you.
For a codie to end a relationship it’s kind of similar to an alcoholic giving up booze, not as easy as one thinks.
Now is your time just like it’s his time to solely focus on your recovery.
Abstinence from calling him, contacting him, writing to him, having a 2nd party talk to him…….is your best tool right now along with your meetings.
For a codie to end a relationship it’s kind of similar to an alcoholic giving up booze, not as easy as one thinks.
Now is your time just like it’s his time to solely focus on your recovery.
Abstinence from calling him, contacting him, writing to him, having a 2nd party talk to him…….is your best tool right now along with your meetings.
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