Feeling Fragile
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Feeling Fragile
I have not been on this site or posted for a while....but would really appreciate knowing if others have coped with what I am going through right now with my 76 year old AH. Basically he has stopped drinking after being a very heavy drinker for 55 years. But he has health problems and the latest seems to suggest kidney disease - we are in the UK and are awaiting an appointment with the Nephrology Team and the Heamaturia Clinic due to blood and protein in his urine. He also has low electrolytes and severe anaemia. His weight is below 8st. I am really struggling to get him to eat. I am doing my best - leaving is not a viable option. I just wondered how others coped with an end stage alcoholic? The refusal to eat is very hard to deal with. We have had a dietician but he is just not co-operating - he knows what a balanced diet is but won't eat it.......our GP has been great and has suggested a memory clinic invitation and we are on the waiting list. I do not know if my husband realises how serious it is not eating or if he is well aware, and just wants to die. Thanks for reading - any comments would be greatly valued especially if anyone has gone through this - I do think we are coming to end stage but have no medical knowledge so could well be wrong. I do my best to eat healthily, exercise and have joined a book club. I also have very good friends so in many ways, I am quite lucky.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Quish, unfortunately your AH is paying a health price for years of drinking and for just growing old. You might find seeking information about dementia just as helpful as anything else, because neural deficits are probably a factor in his behaviour. My mother, who at various times drank more than was good for her, could not see she was losing weight and would swear she was eating 3 huge meals a day. Luckily she put weight back on once she moved to supported accommodation. I'm sure you're feeding your AH well, but you can't force it into him. You may want to investigate high calorie drinks and supplements if he'll accept them.
His future depends on his health results, but mild dementia can be kind in many ways, in making sufferers less aware of their condition.
You seem to be looking after yourself and still getting out. Make sure you use all the support you available because being a carer can be mentally and physically tiring. Ask your doctor about the subjects you should be googling - mine writes down medical conditions for me to look up.
His future depends on his health results, but mild dementia can be kind in many ways, in making sufferers less aware of their condition.
You seem to be looking after yourself and still getting out. Make sure you use all the support you available because being a carer can be mentally and physically tiring. Ask your doctor about the subjects you should be googling - mine writes down medical conditions for me to look up.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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I think you are right FeelingGreat. I struggle to understand if he has 'mental capacity' but I know this can vary from day to day as it is 'fluid' plus bladder problems can cause confusion.
He had a brain scan 3 years ago and that showed significant atrophy...
But that said, he is doing worrying things which are impacting very much on my ability to go out. I take him with me to the Book club. For example, he wanted to cook the streak he had got for Xmas day for himself and not had - I am a vegetarian so we eat separately. He put it in the bain marie - I asked several times how long it took but he started to get quite abusive saying that I did not cook meat so what did I know. He then fell asleep so I went to check to find the water had boiled over, putting the ring off but the gas was still on. He has also burnt every pan in the house. He is a nightmare with the microwave because he forgets to puncture the container. I do feel I need to watch him constantly now. Also he tried to mend my hoover and went to drill out the blockage with the hoover plugged into the mains. Thankfully he sleeps a lot so I tend to get out when he is still in bed for an hour - usually to the library. I do feel he is in denial and he has said if I tell anyone about the burnt pans, he will say I burnt them!! Like living with a 2 year old at times. But I have good friends and his GP is good and thankfully I do go to appointments with him. I do not think the GP realises quite how little he is eating - Dietician wants him to do a food diary but when she asked him what he ate he said 'food'. so not holding my breath she can help. Just taking it day by day and doing my best but it hard when he is so stubborn. Not sure if he is able to realise how serious things might be .... and it is mega frustrating that the NHS are actually doing their best for him but he just will not take advice. I do know if I am right about the kidney problem, then the not eating could potentially speed up the progress of the disease. (I breed cats so a lot of my 'medical' knowledge comes from talking to vets with older cats with co -morbidities).
He had a brain scan 3 years ago and that showed significant atrophy...
But that said, he is doing worrying things which are impacting very much on my ability to go out. I take him with me to the Book club. For example, he wanted to cook the streak he had got for Xmas day for himself and not had - I am a vegetarian so we eat separately. He put it in the bain marie - I asked several times how long it took but he started to get quite abusive saying that I did not cook meat so what did I know. He then fell asleep so I went to check to find the water had boiled over, putting the ring off but the gas was still on. He has also burnt every pan in the house. He is a nightmare with the microwave because he forgets to puncture the container. I do feel I need to watch him constantly now. Also he tried to mend my hoover and went to drill out the blockage with the hoover plugged into the mains. Thankfully he sleeps a lot so I tend to get out when he is still in bed for an hour - usually to the library. I do feel he is in denial and he has said if I tell anyone about the burnt pans, he will say I burnt them!! Like living with a 2 year old at times. But I have good friends and his GP is good and thankfully I do go to appointments with him. I do not think the GP realises quite how little he is eating - Dietician wants him to do a food diary but when she asked him what he ate he said 'food'. so not holding my breath she can help. Just taking it day by day and doing my best but it hard when he is so stubborn. Not sure if he is able to realise how serious things might be .... and it is mega frustrating that the NHS are actually doing their best for him but he just will not take advice. I do know if I am right about the kidney problem, then the not eating could potentially speed up the progress of the disease. (I breed cats so a lot of my 'medical' knowledge comes from talking to vets with older cats with co -morbidities).
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Quish they live in a world of their own; went through this with my father and now my mother. You can't do much because their ability to reason and even absorb what they see is so limited. They still have emotions, but the burning of pans is a good example of the loss of ability to perform simple tasks. I remember my father trying to spread cheese on bread thinking it was butter, and constantly pushing the door the wrong way instead of realising he had to pull. The grumpiness is because they feel they can't control their environment any more.
My suggestion is to contact your local alzheimers society. They can provide you with counselling, advice, respite, and an idea of what to prepare for. You're not alone, far from alone, there are many carers trying to cope.
PS what sort of cats do you breed?
My suggestion is to contact your local alzheimers society. They can provide you with counselling, advice, respite, and an idea of what to prepare for. You're not alone, far from alone, there are many carers trying to cope.
PS what sort of cats do you breed?
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Thanks for your advice and support. I do have a lovely lady at Support for Carers and I will see if there is any help available - I guess we have to get the memory clinic and consultant apps out of the way first. One step at a time.
I breed very occasionally now but my cats are Norwegian forest Cats - quite similar to the Maine Coon. I do show them although it is hard with my husband - I just do not feel able to leave him. But we take a taxi a few times a year plus we have friends who help when we get there so I am still able to show. A friend has just started breeding British Shorthairs so she took me a couple of times last year and that really helped. Confession time - never let any kittens go hence very occasional breeding even before my husband's health problems. Seriously a litter every 18 months or 2 years, neuter all but best girl and see how she does then consider when she is 2.
I breed very occasionally now but my cats are Norwegian forest Cats - quite similar to the Maine Coon. I do show them although it is hard with my husband - I just do not feel able to leave him. But we take a taxi a few times a year plus we have friends who help when we get there so I am still able to show. A friend has just started breeding British Shorthairs so she took me a couple of times last year and that really helped. Confession time - never let any kittens go hence very occasional breeding even before my husband's health problems. Seriously a litter every 18 months or 2 years, neuter all but best girl and see how she does then consider when she is 2.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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The not eating is quite common with late-stage alcoholics.
My mother's weight near the end of her life was around 85-90 pounds
when she more or less stopped eating.
She also burned up many pans and set the kitchen on fire multiple
times in our home while drinking, so I sure understand that feeling.
On another note,
I just looked Norwegian Forest cats up-they are lovely creatures.
If you keep all the kittens, how many do you have?
My mother's weight near the end of her life was around 85-90 pounds
when she more or less stopped eating.
She also burned up many pans and set the kitchen on fire multiple
times in our home while drinking, so I sure understand that feeling.
On another note,
I just looked Norwegian Forest cats up-they are lovely creatures.
If you keep all the kittens, how many do you have?
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I have 22 but my oldest is 14 and I have quite a few over 12. My youngest are 15 weeks - no kittens for me this year. Seriously, I neuter all my boys and most of my girls. We have enclosed part of the garden so they can have access to fresh air, climbing frames etc. I am home most of the time so they have lots of attention. I have only had small litters though - I have a waiting list of close friends IF I breed again but with my husbands health, I really want it 'on hold' for a year or 18 months. I only started breeding in 2008 and have only had 5 litters.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,410
The cats sound like a wonderful emotional outlet for you.
I have a house full of animals as well--less now than I did, but still
2 large elderly dogs and 3 cats the same age.
When dealing with my mother's drinking, they were a great source of comfort.
Honestly Quish, it is just going to be difficult as your husband mentally deteriorates.
Help with respite care, longer-term and people coming in to watch him
so you can have a break for a few hours a day weekly will help you deal with the stress.
Maybe start with this a few times a week to get your husband used to you being away more.
You can't force him to eat--but him cooking is potentially very dangerous to both of you.
This, more than anything else, may force you to consider skilled care.
You can't have him setting your home on fire or burning himself badly.
Is there a safe way to keep him out of the kitchen?
My mother-in-law had to buy an automatic electric kettle for her husband
after he burned up 3 on the stove trying to make himself tea.
My father-in-law won't cook for himself, but if your husband still wants to use the microwave,
maybe you can make "safe" servings of things for him to warm by freezing them
in pre-vented plastic containers, or having snacks that don't require heating at
the ready?
You need some peace of mind and help it sounds like.
Taking care of yourself is really important when you are a caregiver
I have a house full of animals as well--less now than I did, but still
2 large elderly dogs and 3 cats the same age.
When dealing with my mother's drinking, they were a great source of comfort.
Honestly Quish, it is just going to be difficult as your husband mentally deteriorates.
Help with respite care, longer-term and people coming in to watch him
so you can have a break for a few hours a day weekly will help you deal with the stress.
Maybe start with this a few times a week to get your husband used to you being away more.
You can't force him to eat--but him cooking is potentially very dangerous to both of you.
This, more than anything else, may force you to consider skilled care.
You can't have him setting your home on fire or burning himself badly.
Is there a safe way to keep him out of the kitchen?
My mother-in-law had to buy an automatic electric kettle for her husband
after he burned up 3 on the stove trying to make himself tea.
My father-in-law won't cook for himself, but if your husband still wants to use the microwave,
maybe you can make "safe" servings of things for him to warm by freezing them
in pre-vented plastic containers, or having snacks that don't require heating at
the ready?
You need some peace of mind and help it sounds like.
Taking care of yourself is really important when you are a caregiver
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