Am I in the wrong here?
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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Am I in the wrong here?
Hi guys, I posted last year about my alcoholic boyfriend and got a lot of helpful replies. I've stood by him and carried on, focusing on finding work as I've had a rough few months. Tonight we had an argument because he thinks I'm trying to change him and I "don't respect his wishes or his right to choose what to do as an adult" also says that I don't love him for who he is - seriously? I don't like drugs, I hate them and he hates the fact I don't want him to take any, he is moaning that I don't let him be himself even though I've said that I don't like them and I don't DATE drug users, he's pushing to say he will just do it when I'm not there if I am to dictate what he does in his life. I love him to bits and I've stood by him despite his drinking. I think he's missing the entire point here, he's an alcoholic, he takes anti psychotics for his bi polar and he smokes, I want him to cut these things down, isn't that what any girlfriend would want for their boyfriend? I don't know what to do, he's making out he isn't happy and starting to get annoyed with me. I just want the best for him and for him to be healthy, why is he making out that I'm in the wrong? Am I really dictating his life? I feel so bad about myself now and worried I'm ruining how he feels about me. Is this his alcoholism getting him in denial to get what he wants?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,865
Pardon my being blunt, because that's the only way I know how to say this...It is YOU who is missing the point. He has a right to live his life however he chooses. If what he chooses is something you don't want to live with, then it is up to you to leave the situation.
It is understood that you want the best for him; however, you cannot dictate to him how he should live his life. If he wants to smoke, drink, do drugs, etc., that is his right as an adult. Your only option is to stay in the relationship and be miserable, or move on.
I know it's hard, but that really is all you have any control over.
It is understood that you want the best for him; however, you cannot dictate to him how he should live his life. If he wants to smoke, drink, do drugs, etc., that is his right as an adult. Your only option is to stay in the relationship and be miserable, or move on.
I know it's hard, but that really is all you have any control over.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Yes you want the best for him, and yes you are telling him how to live his life. To you it's self evident that what he wants is bad for him, but to him you're just standing between him and his addictions. It's an impossible situation.
You seem to have strong boundaries about dating drug users or problem drinkers, but you've also combined these with loving a particular person who will step outside them. They would be great boundaries if you were just applying them to the population in general.
Eventually you're going to have to decide whether the boundaries or the relationship is more important. Maybe what's important will change over time, as more is revealed.
Even if you keep trying to stop him using it sounds like he's determined to break out. This is when you'll need to decide whether you can live with it.
I'm sorry that you're in this situation, because you sound like a balanced, healthy person who happens to be in love with an addict. It will take a lot of strength to step back, but you won't control him forever.
You seem to have strong boundaries about dating drug users or problem drinkers, but you've also combined these with loving a particular person who will step outside them. They would be great boundaries if you were just applying them to the population in general.
Eventually you're going to have to decide whether the boundaries or the relationship is more important. Maybe what's important will change over time, as more is revealed.
Even if you keep trying to stop him using it sounds like he's determined to break out. This is when you'll need to decide whether you can live with it.
I'm sorry that you're in this situation, because you sound like a balanced, healthy person who happens to be in love with an addict. It will take a lot of strength to step back, but you won't control him forever.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
HB,
I am sorry to say but the posters above are right. We only can control ourselves. Even as we watch our love ones killing themselves, there is nothing that we can do for them.
I stayed on the crazy train with my XAH for 34 years. I did what you are doing for 34 years. I can tell you I couldn't save him, so finally saved myself. I'm sorry honey that we don't have this miracle cure all on how to get someone sober and live happily ever after. Wish I did.
Hugs my friend, we are here for you,!!
I am sorry to say but the posters above are right. We only can control ourselves. Even as we watch our love ones killing themselves, there is nothing that we can do for them.
I stayed on the crazy train with my XAH for 34 years. I did what you are doing for 34 years. I can tell you I couldn't save him, so finally saved myself. I'm sorry honey that we don't have this miracle cure all on how to get someone sober and live happily ever after. Wish I did.
Hugs my friend, we are here for you,!!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,865
Thank you, FeelingGreat. You said it much more diplomatically than I did.
I can see both sides of this situation because I am an alcoholic (sober for 7 years), but I also lived with an addict. I guess you could say I am a double winner (or loser). In any case, I know that no one, no matter how much I loved them, could make me stop drinking until I was good and ready to do that for ME. It has to come from inside and no one else can make that happen.
I can see both sides of this situation because I am an alcoholic (sober for 7 years), but I also lived with an addict. I guess you could say I am a double winner (or loser). In any case, I know that no one, no matter how much I loved them, could make me stop drinking until I was good and ready to do that for ME. It has to come from inside and no one else can make that happen.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 8
I don't want to lose him but I fear I'm already pushing him away and I don't know what to do? I just wanted the best for him and I thought guys did whatever they could to make their girlfriends happy? Maybe I'm asking too much. But I want to make this relationship work but I fear I've already pushed him away, what can I say to him to make things right?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,865
You have to stay true to your own boundaries. To be honest, you are pushing him away, as your initial post reflects. It isn't that you are asking too much, it's that you are asking too much of HIM. He isn't the person you want him to be.
I know that sucks, but it is what it is. You can hang in there and continue to argue with him about what you think he should do and not do, but it's probable that the time will come that he will say "eff this...I'm out of here."
This forum is filled to the gills with people who were just like you. We only wanted what is best for our loved one. The problem is, we cannot make that happen. We must understand that we cannot force someone to be what we want them to be.
Please take care of yourself.
I know that sucks, but it is what it is. You can hang in there and continue to argue with him about what you think he should do and not do, but it's probable that the time will come that he will say "eff this...I'm out of here."
This forum is filled to the gills with people who were just like you. We only wanted what is best for our loved one. The problem is, we cannot make that happen. We must understand that we cannot force someone to be what we want them to be.
Please take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
If you are determined to stay with him, you had better learn to accept him exactly as he is.
Frankly, that is what everyone wants from the people who love them.
If you are looking to him, or any other relationship, to "make you happy", you will be looking for a long time.
Frankly, that is what everyone wants from the people who love them.
If you are looking to him, or any other relationship, to "make you happy", you will be looking for a long time.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by Heartbreakgal 
I just wanted the best for him and I thought guys did whatever they could to make their girlfriends happy?
Your ABF has done what he can to please you, but he's not finished with drugs and drink (from what he says) and he's pushing back. Eventually he'll break out, no matter how much he loves you.
Last edited by FeelingGreat; 01-30-2016 at 01:30 AM. Reason: Punctuation
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Heartbreakgal......I just went back and read your previous posts....
I realize that you are in a lot of pain...and I feel soo sorry for your pain....I understand that pain....The alcoholism hurts the loved one as much as it hurts the alcoholic.....
From what you have written...he is very much tied to his addictions which he has had for many years. He doesn't want to stop...and he tells you so....
You are up against something too big for you to fight....because you will lose...
I see a great deal of heartbreak for you in the future....because you didn't cause it; you cant control it; you can't fix it......
If you read the thousands of real-life stories, here, on this forum....you will se that so many have suffered through you are living with for decades....many--for over 30years!!!.....and, they still "lost" the battle......
I recommend that you read the book that was recommended to you in the other p osts....
"Co-dependent No More"..... that is a good starting place for you...it has helped so many others....
You need (badly) to educate yourself about alcoholism. Knowledge is p ower...and, it may be the thing that can save you.
Have you read any of the "stickies" at the top of the main page---above the threads? It is a good crash course on alcoholism....You will never find a better collection of really good information....
****One thing that you will need to know....that you will have to be able to undergo the short-term pain for the long-term gain.....leaving a relationship always hurts....but, it will go away after a while. Living with an addict who doesn't want to change---the pain doesn't go away---it just gets worse and worse....
H on....you cannot change this man.....if you keep trying...it can destroy you.....
dandylion
I realize that you are in a lot of pain...and I feel soo sorry for your pain....I understand that pain....The alcoholism hurts the loved one as much as it hurts the alcoholic.....
From what you have written...he is very much tied to his addictions which he has had for many years. He doesn't want to stop...and he tells you so....
You are up against something too big for you to fight....because you will lose...
I see a great deal of heartbreak for you in the future....because you didn't cause it; you cant control it; you can't fix it......
If you read the thousands of real-life stories, here, on this forum....you will se that so many have suffered through you are living with for decades....many--for over 30years!!!.....and, they still "lost" the battle......
I recommend that you read the book that was recommended to you in the other p osts....
"Co-dependent No More"..... that is a good starting place for you...it has helped so many others....
You need (badly) to educate yourself about alcoholism. Knowledge is p ower...and, it may be the thing that can save you.
Have you read any of the "stickies" at the top of the main page---above the threads? It is a good crash course on alcoholism....You will never find a better collection of really good information....
****One thing that you will need to know....that you will have to be able to undergo the short-term pain for the long-term gain.....leaving a relationship always hurts....but, it will go away after a while. Living with an addict who doesn't want to change---the pain doesn't go away---it just gets worse and worse....
H on....you cannot change this man.....if you keep trying...it can destroy you.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Of course it's harming him, but he is an adult, and he does have the right
to live life on his terms, not yours.
And he will, it sounds like. . . that's the bottom line.
You both want something very different, and unfortunately, there's
no "fixing" that or "making it right".
His addiction will progress, and you will hurt more and more,
and his resentment will grow.
Sadly, that's the pattern.
to live life on his terms, not yours.
And he will, it sounds like. . . that's the bottom line.
You both want something very different, and unfortunately, there's
no "fixing" that or "making it right".
His addiction will progress, and you will hurt more and more,
and his resentment will grow.
Sadly, that's the pattern.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 8
Thanks so much for the replies. I will read the stickies, I will use the information here as I feel I will benefit from it all, it's looking like I'm never going to be able to change this situation, me walking out wouldn't even make him learn a lesson either I presume. Alcohol should be made illegal it destroys so many lives.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Heartbreakgal....You are absolutely correct...."walking out wouldn't teach him a lesson".
Because...if they are forced toward sobriety by some force other than themselves...any sobriety is not long lasting....
Then the pain of relapse is even more painful than the original drinking (it was for me!). Relapse pain, for the loved one, feels like pouting salt into an old wound....
For you, Dear One,....you need lots of support. That is very important for you...
If there is an alanon group that you can get to (alanon is for anyone who is affected by someone else"s alcoholism).....absolutely do it!!
There are, also, online alanon meetings....and there is some good material to read.....
Please don't try to go this alone....it is too hard...
You need the love and support of those who have been in your hoes, and understand beyond mere words.....
Please hang around, and, read...read...read....
dandylion
Because...if they are forced toward sobriety by some force other than themselves...any sobriety is not long lasting....
Then the pain of relapse is even more painful than the original drinking (it was for me!). Relapse pain, for the loved one, feels like pouting salt into an old wound....
For you, Dear One,....you need lots of support. That is very important for you...
If there is an alanon group that you can get to (alanon is for anyone who is affected by someone else"s alcoholism).....absolutely do it!!
There are, also, online alanon meetings....and there is some good material to read.....
Please don't try to go this alone....it is too hard...
You need the love and support of those who have been in your hoes, and understand beyond mere words.....
Please hang around, and, read...read...read....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
Im not up on your full story but your question is slippery I think. No your not wrong in wanting him to be healthy and have good behaviors that allow this. Not sure if the drugs are prescribed for a medical condition, if there is abuse with them or you just dont like he takes them, or he mixes with alcohol like my husband does?
What Ive learned from my own past addiction and now dealing with my husband is that we do have great influence with our loved ones. But we have to approach them in non confrontational, non nagging ways. Right now appears he is defensive, shutting down on the topic, barganing with you so you stop nagging.
Probably nor going to help him begin self inspection and this is whats required to change behavior.
His comments he has a right to live as he chooses is also slippery. If a person becomes addicted they are not choosing so much as being driven by multiple factors to keep it up. Most professionals will say family needs to get involved and encourage treatment. I think this is where its slippery. Is he in control and there has not been many negative consequences for his behavior to act as a warning, or is he out of control and blind to the negatives.
I think you might benefit from exploring the Family program at Smart Recovery. Check them out online or pm me. Im using their approach for myself, its helping me and Im learning how to approach my husband in more effective ways.
He's fortunate you care. But if it gets too rough for you consider the long term aspects of the relationship.
What Ive learned from my own past addiction and now dealing with my husband is that we do have great influence with our loved ones. But we have to approach them in non confrontational, non nagging ways. Right now appears he is defensive, shutting down on the topic, barganing with you so you stop nagging.
Probably nor going to help him begin self inspection and this is whats required to change behavior.
His comments he has a right to live as he chooses is also slippery. If a person becomes addicted they are not choosing so much as being driven by multiple factors to keep it up. Most professionals will say family needs to get involved and encourage treatment. I think this is where its slippery. Is he in control and there has not been many negative consequences for his behavior to act as a warning, or is he out of control and blind to the negatives.
I think you might benefit from exploring the Family program at Smart Recovery. Check them out online or pm me. Im using their approach for myself, its helping me and Im learning how to approach my husband in more effective ways.
He's fortunate you care. But if it gets too rough for you consider the long term aspects of the relationship.
Originally Posted by Heartbreakgal
Hi guys, I posted last year about my alcoholic boyfriend and got a lot of helpful replies. I've stood by him and carried on, focusing on finding work as I've had a rough few months. Tonight we had an argument because he thinks I'm trying to change him and I "don't respect his wishes or his right to choose what to do as an adult" also says that I don't love him for who he is - seriously? I don't like drugs, I hate them and he hates the fact I don't want him to take any, he is moaning that I don't let him be himself even though I've said that I don't like them and I don't DATE drug users, he's pushing to say he will just do it when I'm not there if I am to dictate what he does in his life. I love him to bits and I've stood by him despite his drinking. I think he's missing the entire point here, he's an alcoholic, he takes anti psychotics for his bi polar and he smokes, I want him to cut these things down, isn't that what any girlfriend would want for their boyfriend? I don't know what to do, he's making out he isn't happy and starting to get annoyed with me. I just want the best for him and for him to be healthy, why is he making out that I'm in the wrong? Am I really dictating his life? I feel so bad about myself now and worried I'm ruining how he feels about me. Is this his alcoholism getting him in denial to get what he wants?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you say you don't DATE drug users, but you've been dating THIS drug user (alcohol IS a drug) for two years. you knew going in he had a problem with alcohol and not surprisingly, it still exists 2 years later.
considering he has flat out TOLD you he is not changing, is not interested in changing, it's time to work on accepting that. and no, partners don't make changes JUST to impress or please their partners....that would be false and based on the wrong pretext.
if WE change, any of us, we change for OURSELVES. that is the only way that change can be meaningful and long-lived. YOU aren't pushing him away....the reality of the situation is creating a wider and wider gap.
time to stick to YOUR guns. if you don't want a drunk for a bf, then THIS is not the right guy for you.
considering he has flat out TOLD you he is not changing, is not interested in changing, it's time to work on accepting that. and no, partners don't make changes JUST to impress or please their partners....that would be false and based on the wrong pretext.
if WE change, any of us, we change for OURSELVES. that is the only way that change can be meaningful and long-lived. YOU aren't pushing him away....the reality of the situation is creating a wider and wider gap.
time to stick to YOUR guns. if you don't want a drunk for a bf, then THIS is not the right guy for you.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Please listen to the advice given. Just a quick story from my time with an alcoholic-the morning after my ex almost dropped his newborn child on her head in a drunken stupor at 6-7pm at night, I confronted him extremely angry. His response? So what-I'm going to drink beer every day for the rest of my life. I'm the idiot for not listening to him. He was telling me exactly who he was. Listen to what he's telling you. It WILL only get worse.
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