CV (Codie Voice) is showing up and I need help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
CV (Codie Voice) is showing up and I need help
Hi my friends, I am reaching out for strength.
So on Wed. XAH called me at work and said he was in my town did I want to meet for lunch or coffee? (first mistake I took his call). He sounded weird and I said fine. (second mistake). He came and had to wait 15 minutes because I was busy. So I said lets go and he said aren't you going to show me around. Weird, but I did. We went for coffee and he sat and talked for an hour about himself. So what ever, glad there wasn't any emergency.
Thursday I get another call and didn't answer. He left me a message that it was nice to meet my friends, sorry he talked so much and it was nice to see the building I work at. Then he brings up again about if I want to do dinner again. I waited till after work and sent him this email, I didn't want to talk, as I just melt.
"Thanks for the phone call. Yes, I did notice that you dominated the conversation at Starbucks yesterday.
I know that you have asked about going to dinner. That's not a good idea for either of us. You are now finally doing what you want to do in life and so am I. There is no benefit for either one of us to do dinner."
His response this am "Makes me very sad, but I wish you the best. You are a great person and deserve more than me. Love you always,"
I need you to kick my butt into not feeling "sorry for this poor sole!!! Talk to me my friends, help me not reach out to him, my CV is working me right now.
So on Wed. XAH called me at work and said he was in my town did I want to meet for lunch or coffee? (first mistake I took his call). He sounded weird and I said fine. (second mistake). He came and had to wait 15 minutes because I was busy. So I said lets go and he said aren't you going to show me around. Weird, but I did. We went for coffee and he sat and talked for an hour about himself. So what ever, glad there wasn't any emergency.
Thursday I get another call and didn't answer. He left me a message that it was nice to meet my friends, sorry he talked so much and it was nice to see the building I work at. Then he brings up again about if I want to do dinner again. I waited till after work and sent him this email, I didn't want to talk, as I just melt.
"Thanks for the phone call. Yes, I did notice that you dominated the conversation at Starbucks yesterday.
I know that you have asked about going to dinner. That's not a good idea for either of us. You are now finally doing what you want to do in life and so am I. There is no benefit for either one of us to do dinner."
His response this am "Makes me very sad, but I wish you the best. You are a great person and deserve more than me. Love you always,"
I need you to kick my butt into not feeling "sorry for this poor sole!!! Talk to me my friends, help me not reach out to him, my CV is working me right now.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
It sounds like he is trying to hook you back in....again....
Likely, he knows your hot buttons and knows exactly how to push them.....=
(it is working, right now, isn't it?)....lol....
Alcoholics seem to need a good co-dependent to fill up the void in their lives that they can't manage....they need enablers of some kind....
When they feel the "need" to fill their cup...they will go trolling...looking for someone to "bite" the hook......
dandylion
Likely, he knows your hot buttons and knows exactly how to push them.....=
(it is working, right now, isn't it?)....lol....
Alcoholics seem to need a good co-dependent to fill up the void in their lives that they can't manage....they need enablers of some kind....
When they feel the "need" to fill their cup...they will go trolling...looking for someone to "bite" the hook......
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
He is casting out the reel in the hopes you will take the bait. Funny thing....what he said is true. You do deserve better. My reason for saying it and his are very different....you see what I am saying here?
Get away from the bait and move forward my friend.
Get away from the bait and move forward my friend.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
What dandy said is SOoooooo true-alcoholics require enablers to buy into their poor me antics-bc they literally cannot manage their lives by themselves. They have to find someone else to do it-someone else to get suckered in. I say run far and fast. If he was truly recovered I may say something differently, but he is not. Peace, friend!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
You are a great person and deserve more than me.
manipulation, manipulation, manipulation - ------nothing to feel sorry for about that!! Its' still all about HIM.
I'd be pissed - not feeling sorry for him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Yes I do feel bad for saying no. it just sucks!!
I guess I was always the one to fill his cup of how wonderful he is. I know exactly about biting the hook as I did it for 34 years. He always reeled me back in.
My fear surrounding these exchanges brings back of when he was nice to me, and of course the "good times" as we all talk about. So frightened to go back in that space.
You are right, the sentence was written to make me feel exactly what I am doing right now..... feeling sorry for him. I agree the 1 hour I spent with him, not one sentence is how is your day, work, kids, life? Nothing. He even mentioned in the voice mail that he did all the talking.
Alcoholics are such manipulators, that has how I have been conned my hole life with him and I always fall for it. How stupid am I?
I guess I was always the one to fill his cup of how wonderful he is. I know exactly about biting the hook as I did it for 34 years. He always reeled me back in.
My fear surrounding these exchanges brings back of when he was nice to me, and of course the "good times" as we all talk about. So frightened to go back in that space.
You are right, the sentence was written to make me feel exactly what I am doing right now..... feeling sorry for him. I agree the 1 hour I spent with him, not one sentence is how is your day, work, kids, life? Nothing. He even mentioned in the voice mail that he did all the talking.
Alcoholics are such manipulators, that has how I have been conned my hole life with him and I always fall for it. How stupid am I?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
34 years of marriage just doesn't evaporate into thin air. I certainly can understand where you are coming from.
I guess sometimes our mind just travels back to a happier place and time.
It is a double edge sword.
Yes, we have beautiful memories of yesterday, and often we long to feel like we did in the beginning. I remember being young and in love, feeling like together, we would conquer the world. I felt so safe and secure with him at my side.
Marrying him, and having our 3 daughters together, shall remain the best thing that I ever did. He/ we did try to reconcile for a couple of years after our divorce, but the powers that be, obviously did not want that to happen.
Guess what I am trying to share, and am having difficulty finding the right words, is that , you are now in the driver's seat. You get to process and come to terms with the loss of a 34 year relationship, and you get to do this, ,on your own terms.
As you stated, seeing him, talking with him , is upsetting for you, maybe you needed to validate your choice/decision, and now that you have, you can continue on your path.
Grief and loss, do not have a timer. It's all a process, and sometimes acceptance takes longer to arrive than we would like.
Be well, friend
I guess sometimes our mind just travels back to a happier place and time.
It is a double edge sword.
Yes, we have beautiful memories of yesterday, and often we long to feel like we did in the beginning. I remember being young and in love, feeling like together, we would conquer the world. I felt so safe and secure with him at my side.
Marrying him, and having our 3 daughters together, shall remain the best thing that I ever did. He/ we did try to reconcile for a couple of years after our divorce, but the powers that be, obviously did not want that to happen.
Guess what I am trying to share, and am having difficulty finding the right words, is that , you are now in the driver's seat. You get to process and come to terms with the loss of a 34 year relationship, and you get to do this, ,on your own terms.
As you stated, seeing him, talking with him , is upsetting for you, maybe you needed to validate your choice/decision, and now that you have, you can continue on your path.
Grief and loss, do not have a timer. It's all a process, and sometimes acceptance takes longer to arrive than we would like.
Be well, friend
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I agree...I think all or most of us have that hope...however, him reaching out sounds more like he's lonely bc he got dumped rather than anything to do with you-obviously, it's all about him as he said-more manipulation and guilting (sometimes I truly don't think these guys are aware at all of what they're doing bc they've done it so long!). Sorry, friend...but now you get to continue on with your life and heal at your pace-and yes, you absolutely deserve better than him!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
You are not stupid! (Had to reiterate this bc I've soooo been where you are and had that feeling....but it's all about him. You have a good heart and true hope he will get better and change-he's the one still manipulating, deceiving and guilting. He's the stupid one!!)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you are not STUPID. you have been CONDITIONED.
we have a bowl we keep on the counter that the dog treats go in. bucky, the brighter of the two dogs, knows where the bowl is and assumes that a return trip from going poddy is treat worthy. we often call the treats "cookies" - as in who wants a cookie? and then waiting til their rumps hit the floor and then getting a treat.
so the other day i had actually baked real human cookies and after dinner had asked my beloved, do you want a cookie? i couldn't then figure out when i went to the kitchen why bucky was sitting looking up at the treat bowl. then it dawned on me, he heard COOKIE and assumed i was talking about HIS treat. he is unable to discern that cookie means anything else.
I am NOT in any way putting you on the same level as my dog, only the CONDITIONING PART. you still alert at "cookie".
we have a bowl we keep on the counter that the dog treats go in. bucky, the brighter of the two dogs, knows where the bowl is and assumes that a return trip from going poddy is treat worthy. we often call the treats "cookies" - as in who wants a cookie? and then waiting til their rumps hit the floor and then getting a treat.
so the other day i had actually baked real human cookies and after dinner had asked my beloved, do you want a cookie? i couldn't then figure out when i went to the kitchen why bucky was sitting looking up at the treat bowl. then it dawned on me, he heard COOKIE and assumed i was talking about HIS treat. he is unable to discern that cookie means anything else.
I am NOT in any way putting you on the same level as my dog, only the CONDITIONING PART. you still alert at "cookie".
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
I completely understand and am fighting this myself. I spoke to my AH the other day- same song and dance - but my CV is SCREAMING - Uggh- God help us both. we can do this - just don't engage ... I am fighting it with all I have and I feel I am losing the mental battle- but I will persist. Wishing you peace and serenity.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Not even close to stupid. This is so very, very human & normal. ((((Hugs))))
If it were me, I'd back this memory up to examine my own actions & expectations. He's already been pushing for weeks to get together with you, you've already expressed how uncomfortable it is making you. Part of you HAD to have known it would come up again? Once you accepted the invite, did your expectation change? If so, why? Was "more revealed" that made you want to hear his POV suddenly or had nothing changed & you just got sucked into old habits or general politeness? Did you feel more obligated because he was in town? Did that make it harder to refuse?
Don't answer all this here - I'm suggesting looking at all angles to help you modify your future boundaries or see something different on your side of the street that can provide some growth from this experience. ....... to me, that's what matters here - how you learn & grow from this curve ball. The truth is that until we face these challenges in our recoveries we aren't really tested & don't really know what we're capable of or where we need more healing.
ALL of my growth has stemmed from failure, lol. (((((((Hugs)))))))) I think you're doing amazingly!
If it were me, I'd back this memory up to examine my own actions & expectations. He's already been pushing for weeks to get together with you, you've already expressed how uncomfortable it is making you. Part of you HAD to have known it would come up again? Once you accepted the invite, did your expectation change? If so, why? Was "more revealed" that made you want to hear his POV suddenly or had nothing changed & you just got sucked into old habits or general politeness? Did you feel more obligated because he was in town? Did that make it harder to refuse?
Don't answer all this here - I'm suggesting looking at all angles to help you modify your future boundaries or see something different on your side of the street that can provide some growth from this experience. ....... to me, that's what matters here - how you learn & grow from this curve ball. The truth is that until we face these challenges in our recoveries we aren't really tested & don't really know what we're capable of or where we need more healing.
ALL of my growth has stemmed from failure, lol. (((((((Hugs)))))))) I think you're doing amazingly!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
FS-no truer words have been said! Ditto, friend. Every ounce of my personal growth has come from massive failure-and picking myself up, examining everything and choosing another way when I'm tested again. Good stuff!
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by maia1234 
I need you to kick my butt into not feeling "sorry for this poor sole!!!
"Over the years he has spit in my face, lied to me, has had an "Inappropriate relationship", and has kicked and punched holes in our walls, besides breaking a locked door in half. He rages at me constantly, but has never hit me, and I don't think he ever would. He has been so out of control that I don't even know who he is anymore. I see that he shakes and sweats in the morning. He has had continuous diarrhea for years and is very skinny."
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