CV (Codie Voice) is showing up and I need help
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I know for me, personally, I thought if I loved my husband enough he would get better. If he knew how much I truly cared about him he wouldn't treat me the way he did. My ex was functioning and living as a child, not an adult or man-still is, shocker. I think he literally wanted me to be his mother. After all he's done, why do I still care about him? I don't...the denial kept me caring when reality is disgusting and evil-I no longer care...and you know sonething? I felt bad for saying that-thought I would sound like a bitch if I said, NO, I no longer care about you-you disgust me.
As Dr Phil just said, the worst transgression a person can make against another person is to invalidate their abuse and reality-that in itself is another transgression and form of abuse. Until your ex acknowledges the abuse, that is your reality. Friend, you care...you have a good heart....and he knows that!! There's nothing wrong with you-but he will take full advantage of your heart if you let him-he wants you back without doing anything to change into a decent human. That's on him!!
As Dr Phil just said, the worst transgression a person can make against another person is to invalidate their abuse and reality-that in itself is another transgression and form of abuse. Until your ex acknowledges the abuse, that is your reality. Friend, you care...you have a good heart....and he knows that!! There's nothing wrong with you-but he will take full advantage of your heart if you let him-he wants you back without doing anything to change into a decent human. That's on him!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Fog,
I wish that I could say that I hated him. It would make my life so much easier. I am proud of what I have done. I have not responded to his "poor me" comment. I know it is Friday and he will get off early and hit the bars with all his "friends". He will probably be calling me a total B tonight. That is the part that I have to remember, the true him. Not the make believe person who is hurting, for the moment.
Thanks you guys, the moment passed, I did not cave in and do something that I would have regretted!! You are all the BEST!!
I wish that I could say that I hated him. It would make my life so much easier. I am proud of what I have done. I have not responded to his "poor me" comment. I know it is Friday and he will get off early and hit the bars with all his "friends". He will probably be calling me a total B tonight. That is the part that I have to remember, the true him. Not the make believe person who is hurting, for the moment.
Thanks you guys, the moment passed, I did not cave in and do something that I would have regretted!! You are all the BEST!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
maia,
I didn't hate my second husband--I left him before it got to that point (part of why I left when I did). And yes, I did (and do) feel sorry for him. I haven't talked to him in a few years now, but I know he leads a sad and desperate existence. It's not in my power to fix that, though. He's gotta do it himself. And as long as he's unwilling to do that, he will continue to suffer. It would help neither one of us for me to maintain contact so I have a front row seat to his life swirling down the drain (far more slowly than I thought it would, but no doubt every bit as painful).
I didn't kick him out the minute he relapsed. I hung in for a while. I left when I was convinced he simply did not have it in him to recover and that continuing to stay was harming me with no discernible benefit to him (other than financial).
You're not stupid. And there's nothing wrong with having compassion for him. No doubt he IS suffering. But you can't fix it for him any more than I could for mine.
Imagine yourself placing him gently but firmly into the hands of his own Higher Power. Say a prayer for him from time to time, remembering that the outcome has nothing to do with you.
Hugs,
I didn't hate my second husband--I left him before it got to that point (part of why I left when I did). And yes, I did (and do) feel sorry for him. I haven't talked to him in a few years now, but I know he leads a sad and desperate existence. It's not in my power to fix that, though. He's gotta do it himself. And as long as he's unwilling to do that, he will continue to suffer. It would help neither one of us for me to maintain contact so I have a front row seat to his life swirling down the drain (far more slowly than I thought it would, but no doubt every bit as painful).
I didn't kick him out the minute he relapsed. I hung in for a while. I left when I was convinced he simply did not have it in him to recover and that continuing to stay was harming me with no discernible benefit to him (other than financial).
You're not stupid. And there's nothing wrong with having compassion for him. No doubt he IS suffering. But you can't fix it for him any more than I could for mine.
Imagine yourself placing him gently but firmly into the hands of his own Higher Power. Say a prayer for him from time to time, remembering that the outcome has nothing to do with you.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Laurelton
Posts: 178
I'm currently going through a divorce with my AH and I still struggle with my CV, anvil is right-you're conditioned and so am I. I'm getting better at recognizing it and so are you, that's why you posted-you know you're not stupid, it's your codie tendencies.
Don't fall for it....every I gain some momentum and I think AH can't get to me I get blindsided and my codie voice gets the best of me too but I don't beat myself up over it. I do exactly what you just did, I reach out for help and support. It takes time and you will get through it just as I will.
Warm hugs to you...
Don't fall for it....every I gain some momentum and I think AH can't get to me I get blindsided and my codie voice gets the best of me too but I don't beat myself up over it. I do exactly what you just did, I reach out for help and support. It takes time and you will get through it just as I will.
Warm hugs to you...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^ thatta girl. Exactly right...who he is for the moment vs who he truly is. Remember that!!
And friend, I don't hate my ex. I just don't care at all what happens to him. I do pray for him, if that makes any sense. I have a different perspective in that I have seen very vividly what my exs abuse has done to his own child-it's not just about what he's done to me-so my feelings are very different bc of that. I choose not to hate-that would be easy. I choose to love and in love you tell the truth. I no longer care about him as his choices have completely torn apart a six year old little girl. That is the truth.
Yours is exactly what you have said-he was all nice and lovey dovey when he wanted something from you and more than likely he will be calling you a B by tonight after he has a few drinks. Checkmate. Btdt and have the medal with that one! YOU know this!!
(just driving it home for you to remember the next time he tries to reach out!)
And friend, I don't hate my ex. I just don't care at all what happens to him. I do pray for him, if that makes any sense. I have a different perspective in that I have seen very vividly what my exs abuse has done to his own child-it's not just about what he's done to me-so my feelings are very different bc of that. I choose not to hate-that would be easy. I choose to love and in love you tell the truth. I no longer care about him as his choices have completely torn apart a six year old little girl. That is the truth.
Yours is exactly what you have said-he was all nice and lovey dovey when he wanted something from you and more than likely he will be calling you a B by tonight after he has a few drinks. Checkmate. Btdt and have the medal with that one! YOU know this!!
(just driving it home for you to remember the next time he tries to reach out!)
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