shell2516

Hi everyone.

I've found this site while looking for support after a very very difficult week.

A bit of background. I'm sorry if this is long. I have a whole lot on my mind, I need to get this out somewhere.

I'm 27 and have spent my life (from as far back as I can remember) dealing with two alcoholic parents. I knew things were bad as a child/teen but it's only recently that I've realised the extent of the neglect. It all came to a head on Christmas day when something triggered a memory and I spent from 5pm on Christmas afternoon till 3am the next morning sobbing to my fiancee. I have just realised I can't deal with it anymore, I am struggling to cope.

My mum and dad had me unexpectedly when they were older. A complete accident and not a pleasant surprise. They were not a good place to have a baby, had been together for a short period of time, had a home which wasn't great, no money, didn't work and weren't the most responsible people it seems. My dad had a pretty difficult childhood and drank since he was in his teens. My mum on the other hand had a very happy, loving childhood. In her late teens she married a very abusive man, had two children and they later divorced. I think she found the trauma of the abuse (understandably) difficult to deal with which has most certainly contributed to her problems. But I'll get back to that. She met my dad years later. As well as the other problems I mentioned (money, no job, not being capable of taking care of a child) I am pretty sure my dad must have been a difficult person to live with. I was born and it became worse. I blame myself, I always have and I think I probably always will. I know for a fact (and have been told) that things got much worse after I was born. They didn't want me, they didn't want a child at their age, they didn't want to be doing the parent things. I don't know when the serious drinking problems started but I remember it from way way back. I remember being at school around the age of four wondering where my mum was. She hadn't picked me up because she was at home unconscious after a drinking binge.

I spent my childhood being neglected. It's been a difficult thing for me to admit because they have constantly told me that they provided for me, they took me on holidays, they bought me Christmas presents. Whenever I have questioned how things were during my childhood they have always reminded me that they bought me things so they loved me. I realise that that doesn't mean they didn't neglect me and fail me in so many ways.

My dad... he just emotionally wasn't there. Verbally abusive on times, never told me he loved me, very distant. Many times he said he hated me, I was the worst thing to ever happen to them, they wished I had died, their life would have been happier then. I feel I tried really hard to make him love me, to be a good person. He was often out drinking every day all day. My mum drank too but at home. I'd come home from school for many years to my mum passed out on the sofa, no one to feed me, no one to talk to. I remember feeling desperate and not knowing what to do. We never had a phone at home while I was growing up. I remember many times begging my mum when she had sobered up a bit to ask a neighbour if she could use their phone to call my dad at whatever pub he was at so he would come home. I needed someone but there was no one. Family didn't bother, it seemed that no one cared that I was alone and scared.

As well as this my mum was addicted to prescription sleeping pills. I'm sure the mixture of alcohol and these pills was just dangerous. I remember one time throwing these tablets down the toilet and flushing them. They didn't go away. When she found them in the toilet I was made to scoop them out and she still swallowed the lot. I feel horrible about a lot of things that went on but this sticks in my mind vividly and makes me angry.

I've struggled for years. Worry, anger, resent. She now binge drinks regularly, takes a bunch of pills, passes out and ends up at the hospital. Now I'm older and able to take care of myself I just feel so so much anger when she does this. Why aren't I good enough? Why doesn't she want to get help? I'm getting married in November, I plan to have my own children. Why isn't that good enough? Doesn't she want to see me married, meet her grand children? I know all the answers. She has an alcohol problem and it isn't that easy. But the anger I feel is just overwhelming, I don't know what to do.

I feel I have done pretty well for myself considering. I have a decent job, I'm engaged to a wonderful man who also has a very good job. We own our own home. I feel I will one day be a wonderful mum. But the hurt remains. I don't know how to get through it.

Last week has just... it's hard to get over. I've been having guitar lessons since last summer, every Thursday after work. The routine has been I go to my guitar lesson, I walk home when the weather is nice and I call my mum to have a chat, see how she's getting on. While on my lesson last Thursday I felt something was wrong. I'd been having a good day, work had been good, I was looking forward to my guitar lesson then dinner with my fiancee afterwards. But during my lesson I felt worried. Just as I was leaving I got a call from my dad. My mum hadn't come home, she said she was going to be home hours before but wasn't. On a Thursday her friend comes to visit. She had text that morning saying she was waiting for her friend to come and she would speak to me when I called later. My dad called again and said she had been at the hospital. He was drunk himself and in bed, clearly didn't care one bit. Frantic with worry I called the hospital and she had been at A&E (ER) but had left, the police were looking for her because she hadn't come back and had a line in their arm which they were worried about. A long story short- she had been to the GP about a chest infection which wasn't clearing (she has chest problems from years of smoking). They sent her for an x-ray to check and she had seen the word cancer on a form off the doctor. She had left the hospital, drank a big bottle of vodka and somehow ended up in another hospital in the A&E department. We still don't know how she ended up in this hospital. After an evening of the police chasing her around, she was at home and an ambulance came. It was decided that she was just very drunk and needed to sober up so she was left at home.

I didn't get to see her till yesterday. She's a mess. She has bruises all over her face from where she fell on Thursday. She sounds very down. She hasn't had the results of the x-ray she went for but the doctor spoke to her and reassured her it was just a routine thing because she had an infection that hadn't fully cleared up. She is convinced she's dying and doesn't seem to be able to see past that. I understand. I had a lump in my neck a few years ago and waiting for results was a killer. But she has been drinking so much that I think that's more of a worry at the moment, I think she's a risk to herself.

Social services were going to see her today, she what help she needs and maybe provide her with support.

Since Thursday I've been a wreck. I can't eat, I can't focus on anything else. The worry of something happening is taking over my life. I don't know how to deal with it anymore.

My fiancee is a psychiatrist so deals with this a lot, he recommended going to an al-anon meeting. There's one tonight which I'm really considering going to (any info would be great, I was reading some info on here this morning and feel it could be helpful). However at the moment I just can't see a way past this. Social services might be coming to try to help her but I feel she is just past the point of caring or being helped. I know people with addictions need to want to help themselves or there's no point. She clearly doesn't, it's been years so why are things going to change now? I don't think they will. I don't think things are ever going to get better, I think she's going to end up killing herself through drink. I don't know how I'm going to live with the guilt.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this, I'm not really asking anything. I needed to get this off my chest. Writing this knowing that there are people reading going through similar gives me a bit of comfort. I hope I can bring myself to go to the al-anon meeting tonight too.

If you got this far then thanks so so much for reading. Dealing with this just feels so lonely sometimes.

dandylion

shell....none of this is your fault. You are a miracle of the Universe...you are a sacred being....a creature of God. You are entitled to give and receive love...
You are human, and you are entitled to your anger...you were hurt...anger is natural....you are entitled to y our feelings...you are allowed (supposed) to own your feelings....

You sound like a very strong person to have survived your childhood...and, you sound like a compassionate and caring person.....

It sounds like you are in the UK....but, I suggest that y ou investigate "Adult Children of Alcoholic Parents".....I think you will find kindred spirits there...those who understand beyond mere words....
Alanon is great, also...I am not being critical....I just think that you could profit from both....
You have not mentioned treatment for the abuse y ou have borne....I am of the belief that all those who have suffered abuse need treatment to help them move beyond the effects of the abuse and be able to thrive.....especially, if you plan to have children.....

darling, there is nothing that you can do beyond what social services is able to do .....you have already been a loving and caring daughter to her.....beyond that , it is o ut of your hands....

Please stay around, because I know you will receive support and help here....

dandylion

VirginiaWoof

Hi Shell

None of this is your fault. None of this is your responsibility, You have gone way beyond anything that could be expected of you.

It may be worth considering reducing the contact with your parents. You have got through your childhood but when you have children of your own - and it sounds like you will make a fantastic mother - are you going to want them witnessing the behaviour of their grandparents.

I know they will try to pile on the guilt- as they have already mention things they bought you etc but they have damaged you emotionally. You've done an amazing job building the life you have but your breakdown on Christmas Day shows how much they have hurt you - and you deserve to be happy.

maia1234

Shell,
Welcome and I am glad you finally posted. Your story is truly sad, thinking about little shell, so alone in the world. It is tragic that no school teacher or therapist reached out to help you with what you were dealing with. The wonderful thing now is that you can reach out to people who "so" understand what you have gone through. Normal people could not comprehend what you have gone through with your short life, but people on SR can. That's what makes us different here.

First off I am glad you got the courage to post. That is your first issue, acknowledging what was so wrong. You are a SURVIVOR! If what you lived with wasn't abuse I don't know what would be. Talking about it and reliving that this all happened to you is very scary, but you are taking ownership of how you were wronged.

Once you accept that, how can you move forward? How can you have a happy marriage and wonderful healthy kids? This is what you are tackling before marriage and before kids, so this will never ever happen. First off it will never happen because you don't have the "disease". You have to own what happened to you and let your husband know the scars that you have. But those scars mean that you survived the WAR!!

Alanon, and like Dandy said support for adult children of alcoholics is a great place to start. I would also seek a therapist who can support you with the abuse you lived with. That's right, it was abuse!!

I do have to say dealing with your parents is something that you will struggle for ever with. You can never expect anything from them, but you can learn how to set up boundaries towards them. It is a process and takes a lot of work, but in the long run, it will make you a much happier person. Slowly with owning what happened to you over your childhood, you can move forward, you can have a wonderful and happy life. You have a wonderful man who will help and support you on this journey.

Hugs my friend, SR is the place for you. We all understand and have compassion for one another. Do your home work on yourself and your "new" life will fall into place as God has planned for you!!

shell2516

Thank you so much for your kind responses. I don't talk to anyone about this because of the shame and the feeling that people will judge me.

My fiancee has suggested counselling many times because of the anger and hurt. I suffer from anxiety and did speak to my GP about this once however they weren't the greatest. I was told to speak to my friends and prescribed SSRIs. It seemed that because I am living a decent life now, I have a job and I'm happy with what I do have then there is no need for me to get help, I just needed to figure out some coping strategies by myself. My fiancee strongly disagrees but unfortunately it seems that getting support (on the NHS) in the UK seems difficult. It is something I could try talking to my GP about again though.

I had a look at the website for Adult Children of Alcoholics and it seems that the only ones in Wales are in Aberystwyth. Unfortunately I'm in the south of Wales so there aren't any nearby.

VirginiaWoof (great username!)- that's a valid point. I wrote about how I want her to be around for my children. Do I want her to be around my children when she's like this though? Probably not, no. I feel like often I just want things to be normal, I want them to be there for my grandchildren, I want them to see me being married, the things "normal" parents do. But clearly this isn't a normal situation so I should expect normal things.

I said all weekend that I didn't want to talk to them any more or at least not as much. I've said it so many times and I know it would probably do me so good. I always give my mum the benefit of the doubt though. Her actions affect me more than my dad's I think because he was the one who was emotionally abusive. I had to cling on to my mum. The truth is that when she's sober she is a wonderful person. She's caring, funny, a lot of fun to be around. She promises she won't do this any more but I don't believe her at all, I know she will. But when she isn't drinking we have fun and I do love her, I cling on to the good times in the hope that one day things will change. I know I need to be realistic though- she clearly doesn't want things to change, she has never made any attempt so things won't change.

I am starting to realise that it is time I put myself first. I do enjoy my life. I'm proud of what I have. I need to focus on myself and my future. It's just a shame that's so damn hard.

shell2516

Sorry, we posted at the same time. Thank you for your kind words.

I always say (and I said when I was a teen too) that one day I would get married and have children and I would never do to my husband and children what my parents put me through.

On Christmas eve my fiancee and I had been to a pub in the evening for a drink. There was a family there, mum, dad, their children and what seemed like some friends of theirs. They seemed so happy. I said to my fiancee on Christmas day (during the tears and sadness) that while I was a child a situation like that would have filled me with fear. I still find it difficult to understand how children can be around adults and not feel fear when there's drink involved. I always feel like I need to reassure my fiancee that when/if we have children I would never do what my parents did. We can happily enjoy a couple of glasses of wine at the weekend with dinner and have a nice time. I sometimes worry if this is how things started with my mum, what if one day I do turn out to be like her despite my efforts? What if one day I can't just enjoy a couple of glasses of wine at the weekend? I know there's nothing wrong with having a glass of wine here and there. I have never even been drunk. I've never even been to a night club. But sometimes the feeling of guilt and shame does come creeping in, I never want to be like my parents.

We hope to have children one day but I do plan to start working on my issues now, I want to do that for my soon to be husband and future children. I hope that means I am doing better than my parents.

hopeful4

Hello and Welcome!

There is something you will see on this forum time and time again. You did not CAUSE it, you cannot CURE it, you cannot CONTROL it. At this point, they (your parents) are both completely out of control. You absolutely cannot change their behavior, you can only control how you react to it. You will have to learn to form healthy boundaries. Sort of like the air mask on an airplane, you have to take care of yourself before you can help anyone else.

I second, YOU ARE A SURVIVOR! Shame on them for doing to you what they did. However, they are sick individuals. It's a tragic thing. You can hope and pray for them to find their "bottom" so to speak, but it's important to know, some people don't have a bottom at all. For your own sanity, it may help you to write them a letter how you feel about all of this. This way, you know you have reached out with your true feelings, regardless of the outcome they choose.

You have a good life in front of you. You have overcome so much, NONE OF WHICH WAS YOUR FAULT! Know that, breathe that. Alanon would be a great resource for you, as well as the folks here at SR. This forum is here, 24-7. You are never alone!

I am so glad you are here. Keep posting, keep reading.

shell2516

Thank you. I'm home from work today and have found a great deal of comfort in sitting with a cup of tea and reading posts on here. Sounds crazy but I have a pet tortoise who I love very very much, telling him all my worries helps too. He listens and doesn't judge (I swear this tortoise listens lol).

I have decided I will go to the al-anon meeting tonight. It's worth a shot anyway. The worst that can happen is a hate it, it isn't for me and I don't go again. I have a feeling it could be just what I need so we'll see.

hopeful4

I am so glad to hear that you will be going. I know just what you mean about your pet. I have two cats and a dog. I tell them all sorts of things, they keep me company and never judge.

Sometimes Alanon takes a couple visits to find the group you enjoy the most. I would say to go, and give it a try. Expect to be made to feel very welcome, and expect the face to face support to be an emotional relief.

Many hugs to you!

shell2516

He looks right in my face when I'm talking to him, he's the cutest thing. He helps a lot when I feel sad.

I hope so. I feel some relief just knowing I'm at least trying to help myself and make things better.

honeypig

Shell, I'm so sorry for all you've had to endure. No child should ever have to hear a parent tell them they wish the child had died!! As others have said, you are strong, you are a survivor, and you will find your way forward and heal in time.

You've gotten some good advice and insight here. Regarding Alanon, I'd like to reiterate that some find a perfect fit right away while others take a while to feel at home. Different meetings can have very different "flavors" too. The general advice is to try 6 meetings before making a decision about whether it's for you or not. If you can, it might not be a bad idea to check into the world Alanon site (http://www.al-anon.org/) to get an idea of what Alanon is based on and how it works. That might help you feel more at home at the meeting tonight (which I really do hope you go to).

There are also a couple of sub-forums here at SR that are aimed very specifically at those who grew up in an alcoholic household or those who have an A as a parent/sibling/child. Here are links for those sections, if you haven't seen them yet:

NEW! Family Members of Addicts and Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Please keep reading and posting and seeking help for yourself. There IS a path forward, there IS healing, and you've taken an important step in reaching out here at SR. I wish you strength and clarity, Shell.

wanttobehealthy

Im so sorry for all you've been through-- you sound so strong and compassionate and your finance sounds supportive and kind... I would definitely keep boundaries in place with your parents and limit contact with them as they seem incapable of the behavior that you deserve and that one would expect from parents...

Im glad you're here and please keep posting!

shell2516

Thank you. I will keep posting, I think this forum could really help.

dandylion

shell....Yes...going to the alanon meeting is a good move for you....you will find lots of compassion from people who will not judge you....

Try this: do a google search: "youtube Adult Children of Alcoholics" .....you will find those who have suffered just as you have and they will speak directly to you.....I think it will touch you very deeply.....

dandylion

shell2516

I looked at the Al-Anon website this morning (the UK one) and there's some "podcasts" on there. The few clips on their website have touched me and made me feel not so alone. I will do some more searches online too.

totfit

Your post is very heartfelt and touching. We have no influence at all on the life we are born into. It is neither our virtue or our fault, it just is. You will never be able to go back and change history and there is nothing you could have done growing up to make anything better. You made the best and you survived and that is all that you can expect of yourself. One thing you can still experience is a happy sane childhood experience through children of your own. I think obviously you can expect nothing from either of your "parents". To me it sounds as if you are doing wonderfully considering and have everything to look forward. So, try and look forward and not look back. Take the lessons you can from your history and make a better future for yourself and your children. I think our "purpose" is just to make the best of the world and its people. We do this most of us just by doing more good that harm; contribute more that we take. All of this starts with family. YOU are the good that came out of your family. Take that and carry forward.

shell2516

Thanks so much everyone. This board has already helped a lot!

I'm about to eat my dinner then will be leaving to go to my Al-Anon meeting. Finally doing something to help myself and it feels good.

DesertEyes

Hello shell, and welcome to SoberRecovery

No worries, write all you want. We will read every last word you write. That is what SR is all about.

I went through that too. Kept it "together" for a long time and then it all came bursting out at once.

Oh my gosh!!! They actually gave you those feelings?!? What a horrible thing to do to a child.

That is a very common feeling with us ACoA's. One of the key steps we take in our recovery is to identify _when_ those feelings started. A child is _not_ born with such feelings, all of them are _acquired_ as we make our way through life. The central point here is that fellings that are _acquired_ can, therefore, be _removed_.

Oh yes, I remember that well. Sitting for hours in the principal's office waiting for somebody, anybody, to come pick me up from school. I think it was around 10 years old that I figured out how to sneak out of the principal's office and get on a bus to go home on my own.

Wow. That is a _huge_ lesson in ACoA. It took me years to figure that out. You have clearly done some serious work on healing from the "emotional injuries" forced on you.

Same here. Tried all kinds of things. Nothing ever worked for more than a few hours.

That is exactly what it was like with my "Family of Origin". I don't think any of them cared about anyone but themselves.

I did that. I also tried mixing the "bad pills" with little sugar mints that kind of looked similar so my Mother would be taking less meds. That did not work. I tried putting beer in my Father's whiskey so he would not get so drunk. Did not work either.

Well of course. How could you not. You grew up to be a perfectly normal person who has _feelings_ for your parents. Perhaps even love. It shows that you have already done a huge amount of healing and that you are not even remotely similar to your parents. In ACoA we call that "Breaking the Chains". You will _not_ pass on to your children the horrors and dysfunction that came down in your family from generations past.

How could you _not_ be worried? You would have to be some kind of sociopath to _not_ be worried.

Al-anon meetings are wonderfuly supportive. You will find some of the kindest and strongest people there. They do tend to specialize quite a bit. Some of them focus on families who have alcoholic children, others are for teenagers, some are for ACoA's like us, others are just about the program of recovery itself ( called a "step study"). For that reason they suggest that you call around and visit several _different_ meetings until you find one that "fits" your needs.

You have a _huge_ amount of stress in your life happening all at once. _And_ you are getting married soon. I am amazed at how well you are keeeping yourself in control, I'd be a screaming mess if I were in your circumstances.

Oh wow. Ok, so here's a secret that I _never_ share in public I used to be a therapist many years ago ( now retired ). I am also going to share a secret about the mental health profession that I am not supposed to tell about One of the _first_ rules of being a shrink is to _not_ get emotionally involved with somebody that has "issues." The fact that your fiancee is a shrink speaks _hugely_ about how well you are dealing with all this "stuff". You may feel that you are overwhelmed, but I have to say again that you are doing an awesome job of handling it all.

You are correct about that. Some people _will_ judge you. One of the skills we learn in ACoA is how to "test" people and see if they are receptive to our "emotional injuries" or whether they will be judgemental and hostile.

A GP is _not_ trained on this kind of issue. They're the wrong type of doc to see.

Been there, done that. Clearly you have got half the battle won. You have made it this far figuring out coping strategies by yourself. It seems to me that you are ready to finish the other half of your "recovery", and that is going to take some outside input. Coming here to SoberRecovery is a great way to get started on that.

On that same website there is a listing of online and telephone meetings. You may find those to be helpful in the absence of regular meetings.

Oh yes, that's quite common. That's why alanoids fall in love with alkies in the first place. Nobody falls in love with a falling down drunk, it's when they are sober and normal that they are wonderful people.

Awesome, and good on you. Yes, it is terribly hard, that is why there are hundreds of self-help books in a bookstore, and thousands of support groups all over the world, and websites, and TV shows, and therapists.

In ACoA we actually have a book with that title.

"It will never happen to me" by Claudia Black. ( p.s. I have no clue why it comes out as "robot check" on the link )

Robot Check

I seriously doubt it. From what you have written I think you would spot any addictive tendencies and bring them to a screeching halt.

Yes it does. You are _worlds_ better than your parents.

Oh my goodness I _love_ that !!! Ok, I _have_ to ask, you _know_ people are going to ask, did you name that tortoise "Sigmund"? <joke>

Welcome again. Please do post as much as you want as often as you want. Here and on the ACoA forum "next door."

Mike

shell2516

I will update properly when I have my laptop on tomorrow but Al- Anon feels like the right place to be. I spoke, I cried, something I didn't think I would do. I felt a great deal of comfort. Being in a room full of people who felt the same felt so so comforting. I will be going back next week.

redatlanta

Hi Shell - I am glad you found us.

I do understand how you feel because my husband grew up in similar situation though his parents were not alcoholic. He is nearly twice your age, I believe his addictions began as a way to escape his home life; though I don't blame his parents for his being an alcoholic.

These kinds of cuts are deep and take a lot of work/time to heal. My husband has been able to do so I would say about 90% by getting rid of thoughts like blaming himself #1. The children caught the shrapnel of the dysfunction between the parents - they were not ever the cause of the problem. He also would get caught up in wishing that he had a normal family, why can't they be different? Why can't they admit what they have done?

Wishing doesn't change anything. He has been able to establish a healthy relationship by placing boundaries on them, stopping the cycle of being mediator, problem solver, and sometimes sh!t stirrer. They have a good relationship now because of it.

Al Anon is a beautiful place for you to be. Learning to have boundaries might be the greatest coping mechanism you can develop. Well, that and getting rid of the guilt and shame.