Struggling with my mother
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, shell, and welcome! Glad you're here.
Let me add to the chorus that thinks you've been doing an awesome job of self-care, but there are times when we just need to be around people who GET what we're dealing with. My parents weren't alcoholics--in fact, nobody in my family is. EXCEPT I married two alcoholics and I'm now seven years sober, myself (I was a "late bloomer" as an alcoholic, lol).
I know I found Al-Anon to be an absolute LIFESAVER when I was at the end of my rope--especially with my second husband, who went back to drinking after almost dying of liver/kidney failure. Of course, it's a little different with a parent, but there are a lot of the same feelings of love/anger/disgust/shame/fear. I'm glad you found us, and Al-Anon. I have a feeling you're gonna wind up with a GREAT life and happy kids.
Let me add to the chorus that thinks you've been doing an awesome job of self-care, but there are times when we just need to be around people who GET what we're dealing with. My parents weren't alcoholics--in fact, nobody in my family is. EXCEPT I married two alcoholics and I'm now seven years sober, myself (I was a "late bloomer" as an alcoholic, lol).
I know I found Al-Anon to be an absolute LIFESAVER when I was at the end of my rope--especially with my second husband, who went back to drinking after almost dying of liver/kidney failure. Of course, it's a little different with a parent, but there are a lot of the same feelings of love/anger/disgust/shame/fear. I'm glad you found us, and Al-Anon. I have a feeling you're gonna wind up with a GREAT life and happy kids.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 54
DesertEyes- All of your post made sense. Particularly the bit about what I had said about my parents saying I was a mistake and they didn't want me. Because really that's what THEY have made me think, I shouldn't know that. A lot of people have had oops babies, that's not something you should make them feel guilty for. I know there are obviously other people out there with the same feelings I have, who have been through similar things. I always find it amazing when I hear from them though, people who can relate to me. When I'm in my darkest moments I think that I must just be the only one, that there can't possibly be anyone who feels as I do. That's not true (as I am learning from this site) and I do find comfort in that (although it's a shame that any of us have to be here). I will check out that "It Will Never Happen To Me" book. Someone at the Al-Anon meeting I went to last night mentioned another book I wanted to check out (mind like a sieve, I can't remember what it's called now lol but I'll definitely be going back next week to find out!)
redatlanta- I feel like those feelings of "why can't I have a normal life? Why can't they be normal?" have been some of the most difficult to understand. It was only when I was in my teens that I realised the things going on in my life weren't normal and I felt envy and jealousy towards other people who had "normal" lives. That's something I'm still working on but I hope that one day I will realise my experiences have made me a better person. I know I won't do this to my children so that has to be something, right? That's something I have learned.
LexieCat- That's amazing that you're seven years sober. Congratulations! Thank you, I really hope I do.
As for my Al-Anon meeting last night- I really... I would say enjoyed it but that's probably not the right choice of words. I got something from it. I ended up getting stuck in traffic (urgh where's everyone GOING at that time of the evening? Haha). The meeting is at the local psychiatric hospital. I know a lot of the staff because my fiancee works there. I wasn't sure where the meeting was taking place, I was generally feeling stressed and anxious about it. I'd felt amazing about it all day, I was pleased I was finally doing something for myself. But when I got there later that I would have liked, maps on my iPhone wasn't working, I'd seen some people I knew, I couldn't find a parking spot... I felt like something was telling me maybe it wasn't for me and I should just go home. What if I'm being dramatic? What if my parents didn't have a problem and I'm just angry at them for no reason? What if everyone there has been through worse than me? What if no one talks to me, they laugh at me, they judge me, someone tells me I don't have a problem and that I shouldn't come back? Oh well, I've driven here (and sat in traffic for ages...) I might aswell give it a try.
I'm very glad I did. I felt a bit anxious at first. I was sure I didn't want to talk, I just wanted to go along and listen. But they made me feel comfortable and welcome so I told them. Rather than talking about my mum and dad I spoke about how I felt about things (especially what's happened this week) and it helped. I spoke to a couple of people individually afterwards and it was comforting. I exchanged numbers with one person and said I would definitely come back next week and I will. It was much better than I expected and I wish I'd gone years ago. Music is a big part of my life. For the last week I have felt so disconnected from the world and the things I love, I hadn't listened to even one song since... probably Tuesday last week. When I left the meeting last night I plugged my iPod in in the car and listened to my happy playlist on the way home. I felt more connected with the world than I had done all week.
I bought the book "Courage to Change". At the start of the meeting I felt like the things we were reading was going over my head a bit, I didn't understand how I was going to take anything from it. But as people started talking and relating their own feelings to what was written it made sense and I felt I could also take something from it. I re-read it when I got home and read todays page also this morning and feel comforted. Maybe I will go a few times and realise it's not for me but I think it will be. It's nice actually meeting other people who have felt similar to how I feel. It's great knowing I am finally doing something to help me, not just forever trying to help my parents.
redatlanta- I feel like those feelings of "why can't I have a normal life? Why can't they be normal?" have been some of the most difficult to understand. It was only when I was in my teens that I realised the things going on in my life weren't normal and I felt envy and jealousy towards other people who had "normal" lives. That's something I'm still working on but I hope that one day I will realise my experiences have made me a better person. I know I won't do this to my children so that has to be something, right? That's something I have learned.
LexieCat- That's amazing that you're seven years sober. Congratulations! Thank you, I really hope I do.
As for my Al-Anon meeting last night- I really... I would say enjoyed it but that's probably not the right choice of words. I got something from it. I ended up getting stuck in traffic (urgh where's everyone GOING at that time of the evening? Haha). The meeting is at the local psychiatric hospital. I know a lot of the staff because my fiancee works there. I wasn't sure where the meeting was taking place, I was generally feeling stressed and anxious about it. I'd felt amazing about it all day, I was pleased I was finally doing something for myself. But when I got there later that I would have liked, maps on my iPhone wasn't working, I'd seen some people I knew, I couldn't find a parking spot... I felt like something was telling me maybe it wasn't for me and I should just go home. What if I'm being dramatic? What if my parents didn't have a problem and I'm just angry at them for no reason? What if everyone there has been through worse than me? What if no one talks to me, they laugh at me, they judge me, someone tells me I don't have a problem and that I shouldn't come back? Oh well, I've driven here (and sat in traffic for ages...) I might aswell give it a try.
I'm very glad I did. I felt a bit anxious at first. I was sure I didn't want to talk, I just wanted to go along and listen. But they made me feel comfortable and welcome so I told them. Rather than talking about my mum and dad I spoke about how I felt about things (especially what's happened this week) and it helped. I spoke to a couple of people individually afterwards and it was comforting. I exchanged numbers with one person and said I would definitely come back next week and I will. It was much better than I expected and I wish I'd gone years ago. Music is a big part of my life. For the last week I have felt so disconnected from the world and the things I love, I hadn't listened to even one song since... probably Tuesday last week. When I left the meeting last night I plugged my iPod in in the car and listened to my happy playlist on the way home. I felt more connected with the world than I had done all week.
I bought the book "Courage to Change". At the start of the meeting I felt like the things we were reading was going over my head a bit, I didn't understand how I was going to take anything from it. But as people started talking and relating their own feelings to what was written it made sense and I felt I could also take something from it. I re-read it when I got home and read todays page also this morning and feel comforted. Maybe I will go a few times and realise it's not for me but I think it will be. It's nice actually meeting other people who have felt similar to how I feel. It's great knowing I am finally doing something to help me, not just forever trying to help my parents.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Your posting is heart breaking . None of your childhood was your fault . I too am the child of an alcoholic mother . The damage & the self worth that addiction does to a child who has grown up is beyond painful . I too now have an alcoholic son . For May years I rejected Naranon & counselling . I thought I had it under control . It was in my fourties that I realized it was overwhelming and I was full of anger . I lost my mother to liver cirrhosis 7 years ago . Two years ago I started seeing a codependent counsellor . His words to me " it is truly a disease that the addict does not know there sick " not matter what we say or do we have no control . Your parents are sick . I'm so very sorry that your child hood was so scarred . The lack of love and affection you did not receive was not your fault . What I do know is the decisions I based on my life in the future years were based on my upbringing . I thought I was different it had no affect on me . My prayers are with you ❤️ please talk to someone . You have a right to be angry , how we heal is a long process .
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by shell2516 
redatlanta- I feel like those feelings of "why can't I have a normal life? Why can't they be normal?" have been some of the most difficult to understand. It was only when I was in my teens that I realised the things going on in my life weren't normal and I felt envy and jealousy towards other people who had "normal" lives. That's something I'm still working on but I hope that one day I will realise my experiences have made me a better person. I know I won't do this to my children so that has to be something, right? That's something I have learned.
I have wondered over the years if it could be that they were just completely ignorant of what a functional and healthy relationship/family is? Nope. That's not it. Dysfunction is habitual - what appears to be a disaster to the outside is quite normal on the inside to the participants. there is too much blame game going on. The relationship itself is narcissistic and devoid of observing that any other person is affected the way the two lead actors are. Of course everything is the fault of the other much in the way you were blamed (WRONG). Separately, they are pretty wonderful people, together they are Napalm. My husband has often suggested they divorce, sometimes in a fury very loudly, and has been met with boggled eyes and stares, and "how dare you" looks. Boundary = no participation in their marital problems. No discussion of their marital issues. No bad mouthing the other to him. No complaining or whining of how awful their marriage is.
Keep up with Al Anon - its truly a God Send.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 54
It's true, they just don't know that they have a problem. In fits of rage I'm told them that they HAVE to admit that things they have done were wrong. They have admitted it but clearly don't mean it. Most of the time during these "discussions" they tell me that they provided me with lots of things. We went on nice holidays (true, we did) and they gave me money when I needed it (hmm... not that true). OK, that's all well and good. But what about the many years I came home from school and had to eat stale bread because there was nothing else? How about the fact that I can honestly not remember a single hot meal being made for me? The fact that now I find it difficult to have friends/go and visit friends because I didn't get to socialise with people my age as a child. I didn't want to go out because I was scared of what might happen at home, I felt I had to stay home and take care of them? How about the many times I had to stand between my parents to stop them hitting eachother while they were drunk (I have a massive scar on my leg to show for this, my dad missed my mum and hit me instead, sliced my leg open with his finger nail). Never being told I was loved, being told I was hated and made their life miserable, never being encouraged to do anything. No one ever sat and helped me do my homework, it didn't matter if I did it or not. No one sat and read me a bed time story. No one went to school parents evenings, talked to my teachers, saw how I was getting on at school. No one realised that Wednesdays were the worst (my dad's binge drinking seemed to be worse on Wednesdays) and for a long time I faked illness on Wednesdays so I didn't have to go to school, I could stay home and take care of my mum when she was drunk. Oh or that time at my school's Christmas play where I had a good part and was so proud of myself. Both my parents turned up at the school blind drunk and completely humiliated me. All those things were OK because we went on holiday once a year so it doesn't matter. My favourite is "that's all in the past (HAAA), move on and forget about it". Right. Because it's that easy. They convinced me for a long time that they were right, my childhood was perfectly normal, there were just a few "blips" and that there are people with much worse problems.
They seem to think they're entitled to get drunk and cause this hurt. My mum likes to tell me that I enjoy a glass of wine here and there so why can't she? Oh and T's (my fiancee) parents enjoy a couple of drinks at the weekend and I don't mind that, I go to visit them so I must hate her, I'm just trying to make her life miserable because she can't have a drink without me getting upset about it. Clearly this is totally different. My parent-in-laws to be are not and have never been alcoholics, they know when to stop, they have never hurt their children. So different. But my mum just resents my fiancee and his family because I don't feel this anxiety when I'm around them.
On that topic- we had a get together with his family at Christmas. T's brother and his wife had a baby just before Christmas, we all had a glass of champagne to toast the new baby and the festive season. We had a lovely weekend, exchanged gifts, played games, ate good food. When we came home I spoke to my mum and mentioned that I'd had a glass of champagne and a glass of wine with them that weekend. She hit the roof. This meant I loved them more than her, they must be better people then (sarcasm) and that maybe I shouldn't talk to her any more and just be with them... She does not and will never be able to understand that it's two completely different scenarios.
It is all so very difficult and frustrating.
They seem to think they're entitled to get drunk and cause this hurt. My mum likes to tell me that I enjoy a glass of wine here and there so why can't she? Oh and T's (my fiancee) parents enjoy a couple of drinks at the weekend and I don't mind that, I go to visit them so I must hate her, I'm just trying to make her life miserable because she can't have a drink without me getting upset about it. Clearly this is totally different. My parent-in-laws to be are not and have never been alcoholics, they know when to stop, they have never hurt their children. So different. But my mum just resents my fiancee and his family because I don't feel this anxiety when I'm around them.
On that topic- we had a get together with his family at Christmas. T's brother and his wife had a baby just before Christmas, we all had a glass of champagne to toast the new baby and the festive season. We had a lovely weekend, exchanged gifts, played games, ate good food. When we came home I spoke to my mum and mentioned that I'd had a glass of champagne and a glass of wine with them that weekend. She hit the roof. This meant I loved them more than her, they must be better people then (sarcasm) and that maybe I shouldn't talk to her any more and just be with them... She does not and will never be able to understand that it's two completely different scenarios.
It is all so very difficult and frustrating.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Keep going to Al-Anon. I have a feeling it will make you a whole new woman.
Nobody can give you the childhood you wish you had. Even if your parents were miraculously to see the light and completely recover (it does happen), they couldn't give that to you. BUT with a bit of work on yourself and your own thought processes you will be able, eventually, to live free of the resentments you have. It's not about making what they did somehow OK, it's about making YOU OK in spite of what they did.
You deserve the same chance at a happy life that anyone else has, and you can claim that for yourself. You're worth it, in your own right, by virtue of your existence. We all are. And you can get that. Lots of us have.
Hugs,
Nobody can give you the childhood you wish you had. Even if your parents were miraculously to see the light and completely recover (it does happen), they couldn't give that to you. BUT with a bit of work on yourself and your own thought processes you will be able, eventually, to live free of the resentments you have. It's not about making what they did somehow OK, it's about making YOU OK in spite of what they did.
You deserve the same chance at a happy life that anyone else has, and you can claim that for yourself. You're worth it, in your own right, by virtue of your existence. We all are. And you can get that. Lots of us have.
Hugs,
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