LongStrangeTrip

My husband won't admit he's an alcoholic.
Almost every fight or problem we've ever had in 10 years of marriage has been centered around alcohol.
He's very high functioning, meaning he works most of the time and can even be a great Dad when he wants to. However, he can't drink like normal people do and never has. He drinks to excess and drives drunk. He's cheated, lied and caused countless problems in our marriage due to alcohol.
I was around here this time last year because I myself had finally admitted that he was an alcoholic. Things had gotten pretty great for a while but now, they have gotten very bad again.
Over the past couple of months, we've faught almost every weekend about his drinking and driving. He has a horseshoe up his butt and has yet to be pulled over or caught, although when he get's here, he can barely walk and talk, except to berate me about something like not wanting to have sex with him because he's drunk.

Last Saturday, there was a football cookout in town and he wanted to take the boys. It's a fun day and I usually go but I wanted to get an early start on my fall cleaning. They went at around 11am.
At about 5pm, he called me from the cookout, drunk as a skunk. I KNOW when he's drunk. I began yelling at him to stop drinking immediately and sober up or I was coming to get the boys.
Within 8 minutes, they were pulling in the driveway. The boys looked shaken up when they came in the door and my one son said, "Dad was puking all down the side of the truck all the way home...I think he drank too many beers."
I started shaking and litterally wanted to kill him. I looked out the window to find him hosing off the side of the truck. A few minutes later, he came stumbling in the coor, red faced, red eyed and wobbling.
I got control of myself and just stood there staring at him while the boys were asking him if he was still going to take them to the park to ride bikes. He mumbled something about making a pizza but slid upstairs and passed out on the bed, leaving me to make the pizza and pick up the pieces with the boys. We didn't talk about it, just went on with the evening.

NEVER for one second did I EVER think he was capable of something like this. I confronted him about it, telling him that this was the most awful, disgraceful, dangerous thing he has ever done and that he better get some help pronto. Yesterday, he was all remoseful and said he wasn't ever going to drink again.
Today, I am just as bad because I smoke. I never do anything for him but I am always pressuring him to give up the one thing he enjoys...which is bullcrap.
I stopped going out with him to anywhere were there would be drinking months ago, only to go to a football game with him 2 weeks ago where he got drunk and became mean and angry at me because I wouldn't let him drive.
He states that his drinking has nothing to do with me and he wasn't drunk on Saturday and it was probably the heat or he didn't have enough to eat.
To my "If you have a crash and are drunk, don't you realize that we can lose everything if you seriously hurt someone or worse?"
He said.."If I had a crash and wasn't drinking, someone could still sue us so what's the difference?"

I told him earlier tonight that I can't do this anymore. Our children don't deserve to be treated so irresponsibly and I'll never be able to trust him to take them anywhere if I'm not there ever again.
Not to mention, if my step son went home and told his grandparents about his father's puking incident and driving them home like that, he could lose his visitation...but his answer to that..."They don't have any proof whatsoever that I was drinking!"

HELP ME PLEASE?

redrose0729

oh gosh I wish I could help. There really is nothing you can do for your h he has to be the one to want help. The only thing you can do is focus on you and the boys. This site has helped me alot with learning how to deal with my A and focusing on me so I can have peace. There is also alanon which I am hoping to be able to start attending that very soon. There is no arguing with an alcoholic because it really does no good to do so. It is just a waste of time for me because it won't make a difference so it serves no purpose. My A knows what he is doing to himself has even had to be hospitalized 3 times due to his drinking ( had upper GI bleeds ). His sister had a boyfriend for several years that was an alcoholic and he died this year and that still did not make my A stop. Basically he has to want it bad enough to go for help. In the meantime there are things you can do to make your life better. Keep reading there will be others on. There is alot of caring support and wisdom here so keep coming back. Hugs to you we all need it from time to time.
Rose

Magichappens

First of all, smoking doesn't affect the way you drive. No one has ever died in a traffic accident because someone smoked too many cigarettes. Not to say it is not detrimental to our health, but it doesn't compare to the emotional toll alcoholism takes on a family.

That said, I had to realize that there was nothing I could do, threaten, plead, beg, etc. that would stop an alcoholic from drinking. That is something they must come to themself. I also couldn't live with the worry, frustration, and fear that ruled my life anymore. That is when I joined Al-Anon. There is help for us. We don't have to live a miserable existence just because someone else is miserable. Alcoholism sucks the alcoholic down, and we allow it to suck us down too.

But we don't have to. There is help. When I got to the point of feeling that I couldn't take any more, I decided to save myself. What was the point of both of us going down? With the help of the wonderful people in Al-Anon I began to get better. They understood what I was going through. They taught me some new, healthy ways to deal with my life. They loved me until I could love myself.

If you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, there is hope. To find an Al-Anon meeting in your area, http://www.al-anon-alateen.org/english.html and select "How to locate a meeting." You don't have to do this alone. Hugs, Magic

Lorelai

Boy, does your post sound familiar. I've been married to my A for 20 years. I spent so much time trying to get him to realize how his drinking was ruining his life and our marriage. I know just how frustrated you are. I was there.

I felt like I couldn't stand the insanity for one more minute. Of course, I couldn't bring myself to leave him either. I felt like I was stuck in that hell with no way out.

There really is a way to bring sanity and peace to your life - whether he stops drinking or not. The first thing to understand is that he only going to stop drinking when he wants to. Nothing you can say or do is going to make him stop. It really is a huge burden lifted. You can then work on yourself and stop spending so much energy on changing him.

I have not let my children ride anywhere with my H for many years. I can not depend on him to stay sober - it's not in his control no matter what he says or thinks. It is not worth it to me to risk my children's safety in any way. They know they aren't allowed to ride with him because it's not safe. It's not because he's a bad guy - that's just the way it is.

Don't give up hon. I found my peace and you can find your's too.
Hugs - L

LongStrangeTrip

Thanks everyone who replied.

I was going to Alanon last year because things were so stressful and I was wasting way too much energy dealing with him. Unfortunately, I stopped when he stopped drinking for a while. As we all know too well though, without help from AA or counselling, the alcohol slowly creeps back into our lives and things turn upside down again before we know it. That is of course what's happened here.
I also know that you cannot reason with them, either drunk or sobor. Lord knows I've tried. I even foolishly tried again yesterday to get nothing but excuses.
I know I need to stop letting this consume my life but I long for a partner, a friend and the man I that I thought I loved. Of course though, looking back over the years, there never was a lengthy period of time in which our relationship was consistant or alcohol free.
This evening, he was fussing as usual because he's coming down off of the alcohol and complaining about every little thing that didn't go his way like a spoiled child.
There is no even temperment...forgive me for venting but like most of you I'm sure, the family is SICK of hearing it and actually seem to turn a deaf ear to our troubles.
There's no real personality left with him, only mood swings and tantrums.
I know everyone says I need to carry on and have my own life but this is nearly impossible because he is always in my way, wanting to know what I'm doing, why I'm doing it or he's putting me down for any choice or decision I make.
When I want to do things with friends, I litterally have to turn off my cell phone ringer because he'll certainly call me wanting to know when I'll be home and where I am what not. I assure you, I have no life other than my home, my ailing mother, my job and my kids...and of course HIM. He is a full time job.

I have basically cut myself from everyone except my closest relatives...there are 2 of them...and my coworkers, who know absolutely nothing of any of this. I am a completely different person at work...I am the real me. I am a leader, respected, responsible and upbeat all day long. I feel safe and secure and honest. At home I feel like it's a totally different world. It's as if I hide inside of myself all of the time. I am tense and nervous and just wait for the bomb to blow so that I can quickly shelter the kids from any fallout.
Sometimes I'm even afraid I'll give myself an ulcer from containing so much anger. I had gained so much weight as I am emotional eater. I noticed that the minute I would feel the stress of losing it and screaming at him build, I'd head right for the kitchen. I am currently though attempting to get that under control and seem to be doing OK with realizing the triggers and not going for food.

Well, I guess I'll be hanging around here again. I truly do need all the support I can get.

Thanks...a LOT.

Yreva

I could have written your first post too. I am in the middle of a divorce from my AH of 7 years (been together 10) and I have two boys with him- 5 and 3 yrs old.
The end came after I told him that-
I loved him, but the cycle we were going thru with his drinking wasn't okay or healthy for me or the kids. I also wanted to keep our marraige and I because I loved him he had to leave.
It was sooooo hard, but it was the best thing to do for me at the time. He had crossed the line with the drinking lying and driving drunk. He sounds so much like your husband. Everything was always my fault, and he was so angry with me for not wanting him to drink.
I had to learn that it is NOT healthy for the kids to have their Dad drunk and he cannot possibly be a good dad while drinking. I also had to learn that the man I thought I loved had been gone for a long time. Alcohol will do that. I am learning that I stayed because I was afraid to stand up for myself and also to be alone. I am learning that I deserve so much more than I have had. I deserve a sober, happy man in my life when that time comes. I am also learning how to pick a man that is happy and sober-

The only advice I can give is that you need to set "boundaries" and stand your ground. If you say "you need to leave if you drive drunk again." Then make him leave if he does it again. He will never change unless he is able to see that he is powerless over the alcohol and that HE wants to get better. He will see things alot clearer when you aren't there to pick up all the pieces. They never remember the drunk nights like we do, and if we keep cleaning up the messes they never will change.
Hang in there you are worth it! It is hard to be strong, but try to work on yourself and in time you will see that you aren't asking for to much- to be loved, trusted and appreciated and to have the man you married be there for you. I feel so bad for you...I have been where you are at. It DOES get better. Stand your ground and only stand up when he is sober...he isn't the same man when he is drunk, and he has a long road to go down to repair what he is doing now. Take care
Diane

shutterbug

I haven't read through everyone's posts here, but dear sweet girl...you NEED to be back in Alanon, just because your husband may or may not decide to quit drinking, once an Anon, always an Anon (just like an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic even if it's in sobriety).

Alcoholism is a family disease. Your sons are learning right now how to either be an alcoholic or an anon or both. Only you can teach them different by leading as an example and showing that alcohol, even that of your husbands, does not control your life. And I would also highly suggest that they start attending Ala-teen meetings. They are probably confused and maybe even frightened by their father's actions and if they are able to learn healthy coping mechonisms at an early age then they will be off to a very, VERY good start in life!!!! If you can't work the Alanon program for yourself, then work it for your children's sake! They need you to take care of you so you can be there for them. If you are taking care of your husband (or fighting with him all the time) then how can you truely be there for them?

Also, one suggestion I would make about getting your husband to admit he's an alcoholic is to get your hands on an AA big book and maybe just lay it on a dressor in your bedroom or when your husband is sober tell him in a very calm and loving tone something like, "Look, maybe you can't see it, but your drunken actions are putting our kids in danger and I love you and I don't want to loose you or them, so I got this book just in case you might be curious."

Most alcoholics will pick up the book and read it out of curiosity and upon reading it, they would find it very difficult to deny they are an alcoholic - if they are that is, which they usually are if it's drawn attention from others. But even if he never reads it and even if he never admits he's an alcoholic, you have to learn how to carry on no matter what and learn how to put your children's best interests ahead of anything!

Also, back to the more important issue - Alanon. I love my ex-alcoholics mom very very very much. She is one of the sweetest ladies I know and was in Alanon for many years until she was physically unable to get out and drive herself anymore. She said she has a suitcase full of Alanon books and still keeps in contact with some Alanon friends. BUT yet when I called to check in on her the other day she started crying very hard because her alcoholic son was in jail and she had borrowed until she can't borrow anymore for him and his sister. She just couldn't stand it that her 39 year old son was in jail because he couldn't smoke in there!!

Well, if she had never gotten out of Alanon she might have learned (or not forgotten) that her actions of bailing him out of any trouble he's ever gotten himself into has actually HELPED him to continue his alcoholic ways! That one was an eye opener to me, because when I thought I was helping my A and giving and giving of myself to help him...it was really harming him!

You see if there isn't someone there who always picks up the peices, then an alcoholic can't go on being an alcoholic unless they want to end up living on the streets - which most don't (And even if that happens, then we still have to not let it be our problem. We can only "Let go and let God" and put the A in God's hands). His mom has not put her foot down or set any boundries with him in a long time and so he continually falls back on her and now she is broke and he still hasn't hit his bottom. And since alcoholism is a progressive disease, he has gotten worse and worse as she has let him walk all over her. Because of that, now if he ever REALLY did need her, well she's let him drain her of everything she has so she can no longer help him even if she really needed to.

There is no way that I will ever bail ANY of my alcoholics out of jail or financial binds again because I love them too much! Basically, what I'm saying here is that Alanon or AA is not a quick fix kinda thing. It's a life time thing!!! We have to continually maintain the healthy things we learn in the program. We have to work the steps and stay active through sponsoring others, etc., not only as a way of helping others, but of continually reminding ourselves about the 12 steps.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but you NEED to be in Alanon and STAY in Alanon for your sake and for your kids sake. Even if you and your husband divorce then you still need to go to Alanon or else you most likely will marry another alcoholic and your children will still most likely have co-dependency issues.

I'm not an expert, but I care tremendously for children and they should NEVER be in the car with a drunk driver so that really bothers me to hear that. Or even in the car with an under the influence driver. You said you could tell your husband had been drinking so why didn't you act calmly during the phone conversation and then run to the car and go and get them??? They are too precious and I'm not really blaming you here, because alcoholism has become a way of life for you so you may not have really realized what a big deal it is for them to have been in the car with him, PERIOD! Which is why I urge you to dive head first into the program and soak up as much knowledge as you possibly can. Read, read and read some more from the Alanon books and really WORK the steps - all of them. They are wonderful tools!

(Also, I know it is easier said than done, but you have to let go of the fighting with your husband over his drinking. It doesn't help you. It doesn't help him. And it sure doesn't help your children. Believe me, his drinking will not get worse if you stop yelling at him every time he comes home drunk, but at least your home will be more peaceful which may even make him decide that he wants to stop drinking so he can share in that peacefulness)

I know this has been a long post, but I just want to reach out to you so badly and I hope I maybe doing that is in some way here.

Like I said, I'm not an expert and these things are not advice, but rather just suggestions. I'm just telling you what I've read and how I've perceived those readings. So "take what you like and leave the rest."

I will keep you in my prayers.
Hugs and God Bless.

Jenna

P.S. The A that I spoke of is one I love very very much, but I no longer let him drag me down with him. He has been jailed more than 50 times in his 39 years of living and he was bailed out once again today. Several people pooled their money together to get him out. It's such a shame because he is a very loving and intelligent man and when they do that for him then they take away his dignity by letting him figure a way out of his own mess and then being able to feel proud for it, instead of feeling like he owes something to them now (which he is never able to pay back his debts and so even though he won't admit it he continually is compounded by guilt which helps to keep him drinking to that he doesnt' have to think about the bad things he's done. He can just have fun and stay beligerant.)

P.S.S. I am the daughter of an alcoholic and every relationship I've ever been in have been distructive ones. I never realized until recently that it was from living with an alcoholic for so many years that I had taught myself how to cope in an alcoholic environment. So those same environments in my adult years have drawn me in. I am primarily attracted to alcoholics or substance abusers and will have to fight against that for the rest of my life if I want to find happiness and keep it!

I could probably talk about this subject all night so I must make myself stop now. Goodnight. :sleeping:

splendra

(((((LST)))))

Just get back to your meetings and maybe take your kids to an alatot meeting or if they are old enough an alateen......

Magichappens

((LST))
Keep coming here, and find a meeting. Who cares what the alcoholic thinks about it. He's an alcoholic. Of course he doesn't want you to change or get better. You don't have to let him make that decision for you. Take my word, he will adjust to whatever you decide to do for yourself eventually. But you have to do it and give it time. They only pitch a fit if they think it will work. Once they realize it won't, they stop focussing on it.

Shutterbug,
Do I detect some serious recovery work? Glad to see you are getting some results.

Hugs, Magic

shutterbug

LOL,

Magic, well I had just intended on popping my head in the doors and looking around a bit when I just got sucked in by the recovery bugs. They held me down with my fingers placed perfectly on the keyboard and demanded that I type and type all night mind you! I thought they were going to let me go after that LONG response I posted here, but nope. They let me go for a few pee breaks and a much needed bath and then they tied me down again. hee hee hee

Actually, a little bit of recovery went a long way and I just can't seem to stop now. I just keep typing and typing and typing and typing and typing....um, okay maybe you're getting the picture here.

I must be a little manic right now, because I just can't stop even though I have a splitting head ache, know that my side door to my house is unlocked so I need to get back home before the burglers get in and well...possibly get some sleep to since I've been at this for 12 or 13 hours straight now. Maybe it's because I don't have a computer at home and just don't know when I will have the energy to get out my front door again so I am taking advantage of it and putting in a weeks worth of recovery time in one big lump...dunno...just don't.

But I kinda like it when I get silly like this and have a smile on my face for no reason instead of tears running down my cheeks. I just loose myself I when the clouds part :raincloud for a while I guess.

LongStrangeTrip (can I call you LST? It is much shorter), sorry for taking up so much space in your thread. <---that's for the party going on in my head right now!

Thread...head....HEY cool, those rhyme!!!

Lord help me. NOW I KNOW I"M MANIC!

LongStrangeTrip

Thank you all again and Shutterbug, I did tell him to stop or I was coming to get the kids...VERY loudly and even if I had left the house at that moment, I would have passed him on the road as he was home in less than 10 minutes and apparently left the cook out the minute he hung up the phone with me.

Since he has never done this before and has never driven under the influence with the kids, I guess it was my stupidity to think that he wouldn't. I suppose in hindsight it had to happen sooner or later.

Right now, I don't think Alanon is going to be enough for me. I do still have all of my books and literature and am digging those out tonight but I am becomming severely depressed and withdrawn and I definitely need more than meetings.
The thought of losing my kids and my AH in a car crash has me shaken to my soul. The fact that he is making excuses about it and not accepting responsibility for what he did has sent me over the edge. I feel like someone is pulling my stomach out through my throat and it won't stop.

My kids are my life. I don't know what I would do if anything happened to them. I got yet another cigarette e-mail from him today, citing MY faults and so on and I replied of course..."It is NOT illegal to smoke and drive!!!"

I just feel so empty inside and scared and I want to just take the kids and run away. IF I HAD anywhere to go, or the money for a hotel, I would leave right after work tomorrow, not tell him where I am and just stay gone until Sunday night. His birthday is this weekend and I know he has plans for getting trashed Sunday at the football game.
There's just been too much water under this bridge and I'm definitely calling my counsellor tomorrow and I've got to work on getting happy for myself and the kids.
There's a festival in town this weekend so maybe I'll take them Saturday and just take in some music and enjoyment with them.

I hate feeling so let down. I hate feeling like there's no light at the end of the tunnel.
All I wanted was a normal life, with normal problems...like life isn't rough enough without adding alcoholism to it.

Magichappens

((LST))
Leaving a situation that is intolerable is understandable. But there is a reason you have come to this point. Al-Anon teaches us to look within to find the voids in our life that we are trying to fill with unhealthy things. If we don't find those problems in ourself and begin to heal, we will continue to find ourself in those same situations. As long as we focus on what is wrong with everything around us and not on us, the solutions we find are temporary and in the end they tear us down more.

Get as much help as you possibly can. When I first came to the point of seeking help, I sought counselling too. I went to Al-Anon meetings until I found one that had people who I felt had what I wanted. I read the literature and began to practice it in my daily life. Today the fear, frustration, and anxiety don't drive me anymore. I am happy more than sad. I still have the emotions, but my life isn't ruled by them. By learning to heal and love myself, I can make decisions that are good for me, not just reactions to the chaos.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. We have to start moving in that direction to begin to see it. It can't happen overnight. We didn't get to that desperate point overnight. But if we begin to take the steps to move in a new direction, and find the help that we need, we begin to find our way out. Hugs, Magic

kfa2004

LongStrangeTrip, I could have written your post. I have been married to my AH for 25 years. When my kids were small and he would drink I learned not to let them get in the car with my AH. I had contingency plans for when someone needed to watch the kids for me to work or go to college because I knew I could not depend on my AH not to be drunk or drinking. He was and is a very mean person when he drinks. He is also very lucking because even with all the driving he has done and does do drunk he has never been caught. We had an incident with my oldest son and I called in CPS at that time the investigator told me that I not only had to worry about him having a car crash with the kids in the car while he was drunk but if he was caught driving drunk with the kids in the car I could loose my kids. I could loose my kids because I knew he had the tendancy to drive drunk. So I fought the fights and made sure my kids did not get in the car with him.

Don't have any answers for you. I have learned that we can't make our AH's do anything that they don't choose to do for themselves. We can only take care of us and our kids.

Hugs and Peaceful thoughts
Kat

Blondie

Yes, we have all been there. Their broken promises, the lying, the mood swings, the insecurity, etc never seems to end. I was in your spot a few years ago when I finally went to al-anon and to a private counselor (had to keep these secret from him because he would have had a fit). I know we may sound like a broken record, but al-anon really works. Also, there are a few books on the book list that are excellent.

The one thing that woke me up and made me take charge of my life was the birth of our two boys.

shutterbug

Magic, Kfa and Blondie are all right. You have to want to take care of you and want to work on fixing you and no one can do that for you. And the same is true for your AH; he has to want it. It doesn't do us any good to want it for our A's because we have no control over their alcoholism.

Concentrate on yourself and your children. I am in Alanon and in individual counseling and on medication for my manic/depressive disorder. For the first time in my life I am putting my health above the rest because I finally get it! I now realize that I have to be well if I am ever going to truely be of help to anyone. And that I, and I alone, am responsible for my happiness. It's a bit overwhelming to be dealing with so many issues I must recover from, but I know if I ignore things...well, they won't go away or get fixed on their own.

Remember, "First things first."

Hang in there. We are all here for you and love you tremendously.

God Bless,
Jenna

Alexia

I'm with the rest. Do what you have to do for you. And dont forget the power prayer. It works!

shutterbug

LST

I'm really sorry for being a bit too harsh in my original post. I realize this now. Sometimes I slip back into my own childhood and the feelings for those experiences come pouring into present day activities and emotions. My step-father never drove anywhere without a large glass of beer in the car and he was the one who always drove. There were 4 of us kids, 2 of which were his. For many years I didn't realize that he was doing this and when I did, my mom still wouldn't put her foot down because it had become "normal" to her. After years of living with alcoholism her thinking has become very distorted.

But there is a difference between my childhood experience and what you have discribed in that you couldn't have predicted or prevented this from occuring so you shouldn't feel guilty for it. I am sorry if I made you feel guilty.

For the last month or so I have been focusing primarily on my bipolar issues and haven't kept up with my Alanon meetings or readings. I was aware of this fact, but over the last several days, continuous thoughts of my rather "toxic" ex (as some one here so eleguently described him) have been seeping back in to my days. I have struggled to keep from calling him and have even caught myself staying by the phone during times that he might call me. I am struggling to keep from thinking about both the good and bad which both draw me mentally back into my old way of thinking. This is how I know I have to get back to my program. I just know what works for me and I can't help but want to help others in the process.

Love and best wishes,
Jenna