2Sunshine

Wildflower,

That is the miracle in the process of recovery from our bad situations, we have more strength that we believed at first that we did.

I would like to pamper, but that, well, I could say alot about that...anyway I am happy for you in your moments of discovery...pondering and meditating on truth gives us an eye to see beyond seeing and that is the road to internal strength...looking on the inside is how we discovery who we really are and what we really want. Meditating on it gives you a picture to move towards...because you will always see a good blueprint for yourself....when you keep invisioning terror, trauma or drama, you see that as your life....but when you begin to see a life that is good, emotionally, you will move towards it....................naturally. You don't have to force it, it just moves.

The positive dream becomes stronger than the facts of the past...then the future becomes brighter, then you exhale and can move on......forgeting those things that were behind....the farther you move from where you were, the smaller is becomes when you look back.

You are so welcome and thank you for letting me be a part of your life.

Take care and this too shall pass.

jessieandme2003

Thank you very much, Petunia, for letting me hear the voice of the daughter.

I finally got rid of my AH earlier this year and am very happy for that. But that is not what I want to talk about.

I am the mother of an 11 year old daughter. I met my second husband, my AH, when she was 5. He moved in rather quickly, of course, and we lived together until she was 8 and then married, which lasted two years.

That was 5 years she lived with him. Now I wonder what damage it may have done.

She speaks very fondly of the first three years we were together. We lived in an apartment then, and she had great friends there. She often talks about those days, even did so today actually, and how happy we were. Wishes we could go back to those days. She remembers our friends, and all we did with them, because at that time I kept my life with her and my time with him very separate. Once she even described those times as when we were alone, before he moved in. Truthfully he moved in almost immediately, but as I said I was able to keep them very separate so her memories don't seem to include him much back then.

Therefore she really was not aware of his drinking and the problems it caused during those times at all, she truly was never around or awake when he was. So I don't have fears of my choosing him having ruined her childhood during those years.

But then I married him and we moved into a new place. She no longer had her friends, she had only us, and we were struggling to be a family the way I thought a family should be. I think those last two years, those were the bad ones. She was older, staying up later, and I was trying to have us do things as a family. But he wasn't taking up the Wonderful Daddy role my daughter and I had hoped he would.

It became harder to hide the arguments, or his drinking. Harder to hide my crying sometimes, not from any physical abuse at all (he was a loving cuddly drinker), just from being hurt emotionally when he chose not to come home. Or didn't want the family stuff we wanted.

So she had some things in her life that first year that worry me:
Seeing her Mom cry over his behavior
Seeing her step dad not take much interest in being a dad, or being a family like her Mom was trying to force on him
Feeling left out, like her Mom had to sometimes choose him over her as far as how to spend her time
Going to her room, feeling excluded if he was around
Learning about alcohol in school and then slowly learning that her step dad was always at the bar drinking
Trying to stand up to her step dad a few times when he was selfish, only to be dismissed or told not to speak to him that way

As I saw this becoming our world at the end of the second year of marriage, and trying to make him change wasn't working, I was mad at him all the time. He left that summer, but came back in a couple months promising sobriety. He didn't make it 4 months, then I finally asked him to leave for good when my daughter and I both agreed we were done giving him chances.

I like to tell myself it might not have damaged her much because...
1) I ended it fast so hopefully the opportunity for damage was minimal
2) I never, not once, didn't stand up for her loudly (I was the boss of the house anyway) if he tried to say anything to her or about her - which was rare anyway
3) I was honest with her, about the drinking, about what was going on. She never had to wonder or feel tricked by me. She knew when I had him leave why I had him leave, and was glad for it by the time it came. She said the drinking was his choice and I shouldn't feel bad. She said she didn't feel bad for him at all
4) I talked to her about my feelings, about her feelings, and always made sure I told her she came first
5) She showed signs of being happier immediately, and now just 4.5 months later she is the happiest kid, and recently said she "loves her life".

I wonder if it is possible I didn't damage my only daughter by making the mistake of that 2.5 years of marriage to my AH. Any thoughts?

jojo

I stayed out of pity and fear of what would happen to him if I left. I left because I became afraid of what would happen to me and my life if I stayed. For me, leaving was the best thing. I don't regret it.

Hope this helps you. Only you can decide when and if the time is right.

Hugs, Jo

njriverman

You are a good mom, no one is perfect, and maybe some day seeing what happend with him, and how you dealt with it, will help her to make healthy choices too!

God bless.