Tallyally

My husband has been sober 5 months.
Prior to his entering AA we socialized a lot with other couples. This primarily consisted of going to dinner/drinks with several other couples. We no longer do this since he is sober. Even activities at our church involve wine most times. I am lost at how to find meaningful social activities for us. He has take up reading and is content settling down with his kindle each night. I miss socializing and I feel it hurts our marriage. We have three small children. I am a very social being. Anyone been in this boat?

happybeingme

Hi! Welcome to the forum. I think this is a common problem. As a recovering alcoholic myself I remember being very worried about social situations and not drinking. I was never worried about temptation but was worried about the situation being awkward. Turns out I didn't have much to worry about. Most people who knew me would ask why I wasn't drinking. When I said I quit most just left the topic alone. The ones who didn't or tried to pressure me I stopped socializing with. Trying to change your entire life to avoid being around alcohol probably won't work it is everywhere. I know a woman who did it and her life shrunk to nothing. She missed weddings, funerals, birthdays. That is no way to live. Now don't get me wrong. Sometimes if an event is primarily about getting together and getting drunk I will skip it and my husband will go alone or we will go together in separate cars and I will leave when I have had enough. It may be awkward or uncomfortable for your husband for a while but eventually his not drinking won't mean a thing and most people won't even notice. It just takes time and patience. Getting sober doesn't mean life and socializing are over

walkinganewpath

My husband is newly sober and working recovery after his third stint in rehab. We are also not socializing at the moment and while I'm ok for the time being I also wonder about how to go about doing so when the time is right.

Our social circle consists of people we've been friends with since our 20's (we're almost 50) and ALWAYS has had drinking involved. Many of those friends are disgusted with RAH and others I have noticed have that uncomfortable feeling of knowing they have problems with alcohol when they are around people who don't drink.

I think Happy has some good suggestions. And do you have any girlfriends to get together with? Since RAH is home and sober in the evenings it gives me the opportunity to meet up with a friend for coffee or a glass of wine (something I won't do at home - we agreed on an alcohol free home for now).

Do you go out at all alone together - like date nights? This is something that I'd like to start doing with him. In addition to learning how to socialize with others we also need to figure out how to reconnect with each other without alcohol involved.

Thanks for the post - I'm sure it's something many couples go through and the share will be helpful to others.

FireSprite

This is definitely an area where I still feel like we struggle a bit. Part of the struggle is that we see it differently too - he's more content without it than I am. Comparing notes we've found that his job is far more social than mine & while not exactly the same, it does satisfy his social animal in a very safe way. (vs. the bar scene of his active music days)

The beginning was SO difficult for me though - we had been extremely social people & our house was often the Hub for all activities. At first I just needed to stay that busy out of habit & I personally realized I'd been using that external activity as a way of avoiding dealing with a lot of my own internal work. (Just speaking for me here.... I started to see the pattern of how I'd done this over & over again in life. People around me ALWAYS had drama, there was ALWAYS someone else to be able to focus on.)

Our old friends still have too much drinking & drama for us to go that route - we tried but it just got weirder the harder we tried. It honestly felt like they had no idea how to act around us anymore & that's sorta expected I guess because after seeing/hearing about so much of our worst, everyone had an opinion & judgment.

Ultimately I think we'll need to find a new activity to do together to start this ball rolling again, but for right now we don't have a lot of free time together due to him working more. I'm so happy about catching up financially, even a little, that for right now I'm cool with socializing with my girlfriends & just doing date-nights with RAH when we can.

Good luck finding your balance, it's such a process. I can say that at 5 months into recovery RAH was definitely no where near ready to concentrate on this area of our lives, so I don't think it's too unusual to be facing this.

honeypig

Tally, I'm divorced so I'm not in the exact same situation as you, but I've had some success using Meetups, which is an online listing of groups of people who do just about every interest/activity imaginable--cards, dining, hiking, movies...you name it. I wonder if you could find some groups doing activities that you and your H might enjoy and give it a shot? At worst, you'll have some new experiences; at best, you'll find something you both enjoy and you'll make some new friends.

redatlanta

Kinda. My husband was sober when we met, and I was a very social butterfly out at least 3 times a week dinner/drinks, or some other social/drinks event. When he moved in things came to a screeching halt in that arena. He doesn't mind being around drinking/ he DOES mind being around drunk people or really buzzed people.

We will go out with couples and they drink its not a big deal. He has gone with me to larger social event where there may be some excessive drinking. If he is having fun he stays, if not he leaves and I stay if I want.

For the rest of it we found mutual fun going out together exploring the city. We regularly go to movie dinner night. We do a dress up date about every 2 months. We go to concerts, shows, plays. Sometimes we invite others most of the time its just us. We did do something really fun over December called Lockup Atlanta that was a virtual game of clue. We look for things like that.

Now, then when I want to let my hair down and have a couple of drinks (like more than I would have if we were at dinner), which is seldom, I go hang out with my girlfriends! I have a friend who has a mountain house, and we will go for a couple of days, or go to my beach house. We have 'porch chat" with a really fun group several times a year. Sometimes I drink, most of the time not but I get the camaraderie thing.

RAH supports me doing what makes me happy, and I support him staying sober If I want to go somewhere, and he ain't feeling it or thinks its just going to be a drunk fest he stays and I go.

Bottom line, we spend a lot of time together and do really fun thing - but also maintain independent lives and do what makes us each happy.

ladyscribbler

Our local AA/Alanon actually puts on a number of sober social events throughout the year- most holidays there is a gathering. New Year's Eve dance, Memorial and Labor day picnics/BBQs. There is also a sober biker's group that gets together and does charity rides.
I don't have a spouse/SO in AA, but most of my social activities the past couple of years have been Alanon weekends. We do a Be Good to Yourself weekend every November and several other gatherings- luncheons, conferences and other things. Pretty much every weekend there's something going on either here or in a neighboring district. And you're not spending the whole time talking about the 12 steps and whatever. It is actually fun, I promise.

FeelingGreat

Weekends might be good for hiking, bike riding, model aircraft or other special interest clubs where you go there to do something. It might satisfy your social needs, and it's a good format for introverts because activities are the primary focus.

lizatola

I found many of my current best friends in Al Anon. So, not only did I get new friendships developed but I also got to work my own recovery in the process. That really did help my social itch when I was craving human interaction. Meet ups are great too and I did try a hiking group once and met a few nice people through there, as well.

iamthird

There are so many things to do and ways socialize without alcohol. Not socializing is not hurting your marriage. What would hurt your marriage is if your husband chose to go back into his addiction. Your husband reading is positive. He is only 5 months into this and still finding his bearings and how to exist in this world without alcohol. I would suggest to keep searching for Alanon groups in your area or groups at church where there is not wine involved. They exist, you have to be willing to put yourself out there and find it. With 3 little children there is so much that you can do.

If you need a night out alone once in awhile you are entitled to that to. Try to focus on what you do have and not what you don't have.

Tallyally

Thank you all for the mostly positive and insightful responses! I am glad we are not alone in this boat. We do go on dates once a month. We live in a smaller town and honestly it's kind of hard to do... Just because there's not much around. We have gone every month since his sobriety. I think we have to find a niche I'm just not sure where that is yet. Also I'm an elementary school teacher so I really don't see adults at all during the day... Which makes it hard as I feel I long for more social time then most since I don't have that during the day. My husbands office is very social, maybe too much for him sometimes ha! So I know he gets his quota of talking during the day.

Tallyally

I found your comment not in the least bit helpful. If you don't have something constructive to say then no need to comment. You aren't a marriage counselor and you have no idea what is hurting my marriage and what is not. I never said my husband reading was not positive.did I say there weren't ways to socialize without alcohol? Pretty sure I didn't.
Wow.

Tallyally

Thanks! I think it will get easier as time goes on. Seems like we are I a. Transitional phase and need to find what will work for us.