Codie habits die hard.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Originally Posted by healthyagain 
The point is, you are aware of your weakness. That is actually a very good thing. You know what is a no-no for you.
Also about the online relationships, or starting a relationships that way; this is a very dangerous field if you are codependent or have codependent tendencies. It is really easy to make up stories and create a persona, the knight on a white horse that seems so attractive and desirable. Somehow we want to believe, and ignore all the red flags, because we want the fairy-tale to come true.
I would generally stay away from starting a relationship this way, from now till eternity.
Also about the online relationships, or starting a relationships that way; this is a very dangerous field if you are codependent or have codependent tendencies. It is really easy to make up stories and create a persona, the knight on a white horse that seems so attractive and desirable. Somehow we want to believe, and ignore all the red flags, because we want the fairy-tale to come true.
I would generally stay away from starting a relationship this way, from now till eternity.
Being aware is a huge step. Hugs and prayers to you!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
And I've heard from other online daters that there's a whole bunch of men who purposely look for women who are "recently separated" as easy prey.
So, this made me think. He must have assumed that I was men hunting, because this is what people generally do here, jump from one relationship to another.
It almost reminds me of Jane Austen's opening sentence of Pride and Prejudice, only applied to recently separated women:
"It is a truth universally acknowledged that a recently separated female (in possession of good fortune more or less) must be in want of a male."
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I think this is a HUGE realization to make. Enormous!!!
I had a friend go through this during/right after her divorce. While I understood her how reasoning made sense to her, in her own mind, at that time, I couldn't wrap my head around it being healthy for her. I gave her 100% of my support but never shied away from being honest about her dating so quickly. She went through a ton of BS with all of it & then one day out of the blue she called to talk & said she wished she would have slowed down enough to listen all that time ago instead of wasting 2 MORE years of her life in the wrong ways, on the wrong people.
I had a friend go through this during/right after her divorce. While I understood her how reasoning made sense to her, in her own mind, at that time, I couldn't wrap my head around it being healthy for her. I gave her 100% of my support but never shied away from being honest about her dating so quickly. She went through a ton of BS with all of it & then one day out of the blue she called to talk & said she wished she would have slowed down enough to listen all that time ago instead of wasting 2 MORE years of her life in the wrong ways, on the wrong people.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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I'd like to agree w/all those who say to take some time. I've watched my brother, who I am close to and who I do love, cheat on his wife of 20 years and end up divorced. After the divorce, he came to realize that the woman he had cheated with (the mother of one of his daughters' friends and someone his wife knew and saw on a regular basis) was not his dream woman either and he cheated on her w/yet ANOTHER woman. This one he met thru an online dating site. He had set limits on how "long distance" he'd go, but then disregarded all his plans and contacted this woman even tho she lives in Canada, 600 miles away.
As he drove back from his first date w/her, he called me and was crying (he is NOT a crier!) on the phone about how he'd finally met his "soul mate", blah blah. I was fairly new into SR/Alanon and thought "wow, this is weird" but didn't get the full importance of it then (not that I could have turned him around, as well try to stop a runaway train!).
Then he cheated on her w/the FIRST GF again, who then contacted the current GF and told her all about it. All hell broke loose. He became so focused on "winning" by keeping the current GF that he totally stopped thinking about whether it was what he really even wanted. Then the current GF was snooping in his computer and saw that he still had a profile up on a dating site, so she sent him an invitation from a fictitious person to meet. He accepted it, and once again was busted...but AGAIN he turned himself inside out to keep her, even tho it should have been patently obvious to everyone involved that he was not relationship material at that time. He moved to Canada 2 years ago, leaving all of his family behind, in order to keep this GF.
But if you talked to him, he'd tell you he was an independent guy who is comfortable w/his own company and happy being alone--he is unable to see this hell of relationship-jumping, cheating, etc., for what it is.
He is not stupid and he is not a bad person. Neither is his current GF, altho she has her own issues too. I wish them both well, but from where I stand, I see way too many red flags for this to work out in the long run. I wish I could explain to him, but the few attempts I've made have been fruitless.
And there is an object lesson in what happens when we don't take time to get healthy, to examine where we are and what we really want--altho most of us have plenty of firsthand experience already w/this!
For myself, I have NO interest in dating/getting involved for at least 50 years!!
As he drove back from his first date w/her, he called me and was crying (he is NOT a crier!) on the phone about how he'd finally met his "soul mate", blah blah. I was fairly new into SR/Alanon and thought "wow, this is weird" but didn't get the full importance of it then (not that I could have turned him around, as well try to stop a runaway train!).
Then he cheated on her w/the FIRST GF again, who then contacted the current GF and told her all about it. All hell broke loose. He became so focused on "winning" by keeping the current GF that he totally stopped thinking about whether it was what he really even wanted. Then the current GF was snooping in his computer and saw that he still had a profile up on a dating site, so she sent him an invitation from a fictitious person to meet. He accepted it, and once again was busted...but AGAIN he turned himself inside out to keep her, even tho it should have been patently obvious to everyone involved that he was not relationship material at that time. He moved to Canada 2 years ago, leaving all of his family behind, in order to keep this GF.
But if you talked to him, he'd tell you he was an independent guy who is comfortable w/his own company and happy being alone--he is unable to see this hell of relationship-jumping, cheating, etc., for what it is.
He is not stupid and he is not a bad person. Neither is his current GF, altho she has her own issues too. I wish them both well, but from where I stand, I see way too many red flags for this to work out in the long run. I wish I could explain to him, but the few attempts I've made have been fruitless.
And there is an object lesson in what happens when we don't take time to get healthy, to examine where we are and what we really want--altho most of us have plenty of firsthand experience already w/this!
For myself, I have NO interest in dating/getting involved for at least 50 years!!
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Join Date: Jul 2004
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My codie habits don't die, they just retreat when I work on my recovery. The moment I stop they come back with a vengance.
When I divorced my ex I received all the same suggestions there are on this thread. _Everybody_ told me to wait at least a full year before even thinking of another relationship.
Did I follow that wisdom? noooooooo ...... Six months later I'm crazy in love with a wonderful woman I met... in a meeting of al-anon.
She is a lovely lady, absolutely wonderful person, but I was _so_ not ready. That part of my "alanoid" brain that smoothed over all the bad traits in my ex also smooths over _anything_ that is not perfect in whatever relationship I get involved in. It really is like being color blind, I simply cannot see the "red flags" in _any_ relationship, not just the bad relationships.
I got lucky. We both had good sponsors and got heavy into recovery. One day we were just looking at each other and both had the same epiphany at the same time. "What are we doing????" Today we are still best friends, but that was just luck. I could so easily have gotten involved in another toxic relationship and not even have known it.
Mike
When I divorced my ex I received all the same suggestions there are on this thread. _Everybody_ told me to wait at least a full year before even thinking of another relationship.
Did I follow that wisdom? noooooooo ...... Six months later I'm crazy in love with a wonderful woman I met... in a meeting of al-anon.
She is a lovely lady, absolutely wonderful person, but I was _so_ not ready. That part of my "alanoid" brain that smoothed over all the bad traits in my ex also smooths over _anything_ that is not perfect in whatever relationship I get involved in. It really is like being color blind, I simply cannot see the "red flags" in _any_ relationship, not just the bad relationships.
I got lucky. We both had good sponsors and got heavy into recovery. One day we were just looking at each other and both had the same epiphany at the same time. "What are we doing????" Today we are still best friends, but that was just luck. I could so easily have gotten involved in another toxic relationship and not even have known it.
Mike
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Originally Posted by armartin
I have also realized how much I have neglected my other relationships for my romantic relationship because it was (PAST tense) the most important relationship in my live above all others, in an unhealthy way.
I am now realizing that I need to have balance between my relationships.
I am now realizing that I need to have balance between my relationships.
It didn't leave me in a good place when each of those primary relationships went away. And that set me up to continue the cycle, since I now had no one else in my life and I needed to fill that yawning gap.
I'm glad you've had that realization, armartin. I'm there too. It's going to take time to build solid friendships, but I plan to make a better life for myself than I ever have before and I'm willing to put in the work rather than look for some white knight to rescue me this time.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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AMEN to that honeypig!!!!!!!!!!!!! needing to fill the gap with someone else, when it was my own gap to fill.
Time to rescue your (our) own self(selves)!!! plus, white knights are overrated. If they are so shiny and white, it means they haven't done battle.
Time to rescue your (our) own self(selves)!!! plus, white knights are overrated. If they are so shiny and white, it means they haven't done battle.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
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Weird thing - I never saw my ex as the knight in shining armor. We were just two drinkers that liked to party-and looking back that's how we connected. Did I love him? Absolutely. But to a fault where I overlooked some pretty glaring red flags-that absolutely pointed to where we are now (mom issues, drinking). If I had been ok with saying NO, my life would have been a hell of a lot easier and better. I don't regret it, but u can say I regret he's the father of my children. It will be a long time until I even date and that's ok with me!
If we look to others to fill the void, we don't ever fix us and figure ourselves out! If we just use sex or a relationship to make us feel whole, we are still just as incomplete. And I've been there-before my ex, I was there. Fabulous realization, friend!! You're doing amazing work!
If we look to others to fill the void, we don't ever fix us and figure ourselves out! If we just use sex or a relationship to make us feel whole, we are still just as incomplete. And I've been there-before my ex, I was there. Fabulous realization, friend!! You're doing amazing work!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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Originally Posted by armartin
AMEN to that honeypig!!!!!!!!!!!!! needing to fill the gap with someone else, when it was my own gap to fill.
Time to rescue your (our) own self(selves)!!! plus, white knights are overrated. If they are so shiny and white, it means they haven't done battle.
Time to rescue your (our) own self(selves)!!! plus, white knights are overrated. If they are so shiny and white, it means they haven't done battle.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
One thing I realize looking back is that I've sometimes moved on quickly, not only because I was constantly looking for happiness outside of myself, but also because I was scared to set boundaries in a relationship that wasn't working out and finding someone new was an easier way to end the old thing. I dated this guy in my 20s and our relationship was totally toxic by the end. We both drank too much, and we'd tolerated so much from each other that really nothing was off limits, cheating, drunken sloppiness and fighting, showing up at each other's houses at all hours and climbing in the window! We had zero boundaries! I tried to break up with him over and over again, but I could never make it stick, and it had gotten to a point where neither of us took the other seriously when we tried to separate. So the way that it finally ended was that I let someone new move in with me. The new relationship forced an ending that I couldn't figure out how to negotiate, and I went straight into a new toxic relationship. I realize now that it would have been much healthier for me to actually figure out how to make and enforce boundaries, but I was so out of touch with what my boundaries and values actually were.
I hope you will take this opportunity to develop confidence in your ability to set boundaries and protect yourself instead of using the new relationship to ease your way out of the old! Honestly, given your husband's history of rage, I think it would be dangerous for you to involve a new man in the situation as it stands now. Are you still living with your husband? I guess I'm confused about where things stand in your marriage.
I hope you will take this opportunity to develop confidence in your ability to set boundaries and protect yourself instead of using the new relationship to ease your way out of the old! Honestly, given your husband's history of rage, I think it would be dangerous for you to involve a new man in the situation as it stands now. Are you still living with your husband? I guess I'm confused about where things stand in your marriage.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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I haven't read all the responses here yet but I encourage you to read a few of my threads from the past year. I left my XAH last January. Started dating (off online websites) back in March. Thought it was all in fun, didn't expect to meet anybody for a long term thing as I just wanted a few dinner dates and maybe someone to go to the movies with, etc.
I met my current bf back in April and we're still together today. I have had countless issues with my XAH. I have struggled with codependency in my own head about this current relationship. I truly wish I had waited. Granted, I could have asked him to wait for me or given myself some time to heal but things really were going along well. Most of the red flags I have felt have been because of my own obsessions and expectations.
I'm sure you've gotten plenty of feedback so I won't comment on what's right or what's wrong or whatever. We all make our own choices and are responsible for ourselves. Sending you lots of support tonight!
I met my current bf back in April and we're still together today. I have had countless issues with my XAH. I have struggled with codependency in my own head about this current relationship. I truly wish I had waited. Granted, I could have asked him to wait for me or given myself some time to heal but things really were going along well. Most of the red flags I have felt have been because of my own obsessions and expectations.
I'm sure you've gotten plenty of feedback so I won't comment on what's right or what's wrong or whatever. We all make our own choices and are responsible for ourselves. Sending you lots of support tonight!
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Honeypig I laughed at this line "it should have been patently obvious to everyone involved that he was not relationship material at that time." I suppose it is easier to see certain truths when you are on the outside.
Deserteyes, I was a bit confused in your story. Are you still in a romantic relationship with the woman you met in Recovery or just friends?
I'm a chronic single lady at 52. Sometimes I wonder if I'm like a dry alcoholic, a codependent single. I have an inside joke with myself that in the next life I will work up to having a healthy relationship with a houseplant. In this life, I'm just having relationships with inanimate objects (although today I had a severe issue in my relationship with my snowblower)
Deserteyes, I was a bit confused in your story. Are you still in a romantic relationship with the woman you met in Recovery or just friends?
I'm a chronic single lady at 52. Sometimes I wonder if I'm like a dry alcoholic, a codependent single. I have an inside joke with myself that in the next life I will work up to having a healthy relationship with a houseplant. In this life, I'm just having relationships with inanimate objects (although today I had a severe issue in my relationship with my snowblower)
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Hello there Bekindalways, and pleased to "meet" you
Sorry for the confusion, no romance at all with my al-anon friend. She has since married a really nice guy who has no history of dysfunction at all. We bump into each other once or twice a year at an al-anon function and catch up on our lives. She is kind of protective of me and won't let me date anyone unless she and her hubby first meet with me and my new love interest on a double-date.
That has only happened twice, but every single time the two ladies shoo us guys out of the room and spend _hours_ becoming friends. Hub and I are convinced they are talking about us
( ok, so they are _not_ talking about us, my insecurities in that area just shows I need to work on my recovery a little more )
I was very much _not_ ready for any relationship at six months after my divorce. Not even with a house plant The fact that she and I were able to break up and remain friends is just evidence of how powerful recovery can be, and how lucky I was _not_ to get involved with another addict.
Mike
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
.... Deserteyes, I was a bit confused in your story. Are you still in a romantic relationship with the woman you met in Recovery or just friends? ....
That has only happened twice, but every single time the two ladies shoo us guys out of the room and spend _hours_ becoming friends. Hub and I are convinced they are talking about us
( ok, so they are _not_ talking about us, my insecurities in that area just shows I need to work on my recovery a little more )
I was very much _not_ ready for any relationship at six months after my divorce. Not even with a house plant
The fact that she and I were able to break up and remain friends is just evidence of how powerful recovery can be, and how lucky I was _not_ to get involved with another addict.Mike
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My husband recently left me after 26 years and I went on a dating site "just to see what was out there". I found i was very cynical of everything I read and all the sudden was like, "what am I doing?!" The last thing I want is a relationship. I'm still grieving my marriage.
My therapist recently asked me what it is about my STBX that I felt like I wanted him back, and I realized he was a place holder. Like, I already had the good looking man who I knew everything about, I just had to convince him to love me again and we could ride off into the sunset together. Well that is not going to happen, nor do I want to convince someone to love me. What I realized is I need to get him out of that place holder and not put another man there, but put ME there and love ME. And that's where my work is.
My therapist recently asked me what it is about my STBX that I felt like I wanted him back, and I realized he was a place holder. Like, I already had the good looking man who I knew everything about, I just had to convince him to love me again and we could ride off into the sunset together. Well that is not going to happen, nor do I want to convince someone to love me. What I realized is I need to get him out of that place holder and not put another man there, but put ME there and love ME. And that's where my work is.
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Reading all these posts was like reading my life. I, too, have gone from relationship to relationship - always had one lined up before I left the other - and the longest I have been unattached in my life is four months (!!!) I used to say that with some pride, sick as that is, the old "I've always had a boyfriend." Not good boyfriends, not great ones - and I was divorced approximately three months before I remarried. I was so scared to be alone,and I don't know why because being lonely in a relationship is much more painful than being alone. I don't think you'll regret taking a good time out to discover who you are and what you like again.
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