Silver Lining

Old 09-14-2004, 01:25 PM
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Silver Lining

Hi everyone. I just started on here but I'm hoping that someone can help me understand what's going on here. I never thought it would come to this but I don't know who to turn to for help anymore.

The situation is that I've been with my boyfriend I'll call B.J. for about a year now. He's an awesome guy and I love him to death. We have so much in common, we want the same things from life, and we love each other's families. I generally trust and respect him, but there is this one problem. I can't handle him when he drinks and he can't control himself.

First of all I should say that he's never physically laid a hand on me or anything. Mostly I just feel like I'm babysitting him. He's doesn't have to drink everyday for the most part but I guess you could say he's a binge drinker. When he does start, he goes crazy. Most of the time it happens when he's stressed out about things. The more stressed he is, the more often it happens and the worse it is. He embarrases me, and worse, he embarrases himself. He's broken things, fallen over, gone to places drunk when it was totally inappropriate, he's been arrested for an impaired and then drove around like that afterward, "borrowed" money that he new was for bills, and he even wet the bed one night. I've tried to explain that I love him so much but he's not my "B.J" when he's drunk. He know's he puts our relationship in jeopardy everytime he drinks and he even said he'd quit for me one day but he can't. He's done the hiding it, and the lying about it although he doesn't do that as much anymore since he knows I can usually figure it out.

The reason I'm here is because it hurts so bad that he can't stop. I do believe he loves me and I believe he know's what he does is wrong. I just don't know how to deal with his problem. I get mean to him sometimes out of frusteration and I'm hoping someone can tell me how to help him instead of just yelling at him. Sometimes I have to wonder if it's all worth it. Does anyone know if there's any hope?
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Old 09-14-2004, 01:28 PM
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Location: Sussex, NJ
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Leave him now and start thinking about yourself. He sounds as if he is on his way to a serious alcohol problem. You can't help him, you can't make him stop. The booze is more important to him than you.

If he is drinking from stress, he is on his way to hitting bottom, unfortunately this may take years and years and years .........
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Old 09-14-2004, 01:39 PM
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Hi Aquiana. We all feel your pain here - believe me, you are not alone! I am married and have 2 children and just came out of denial that my hubby of 6 years is, and has been, an alcholic for years. I am now deciding whether or not I can live with this and I am learning to take care of ME. I know this is probably not useful information, but to be honest - I envy that you knew BEFORE you are married that this may be a life-long problem and that you are without children who might get hurt. I only mention this because it is my vulnerability or I would have been gone long ago, and you are much free -er at this point to make good decisions. But, I know you love him too - and it hurts...I know it hurts! You just keep remembering how it can be? and you can't figure out how it got to where it is... There are a lot of good thoughts on here - and this board has helped me immensely. If I could do it all again - I would think very long and very hard about if it is worth it. and it may be!...that's just up to you...
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Old 09-14-2004, 01:41 PM
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Hi Aquiana and welcome,

Only you can decide whether or not you want to stay in this relationship. No one is in your shoes so no one can tell you what to do. But you can't force him to stop drinking if he's not ready. It has to be up to him and as much as he loves you, he may not be ready to take the steps necessary to stop.

But you can get help for yourself. You can keep coming here, read up on addiction, and start putting yourself first. There are many people who have lived with active drinkers for many years that have found peace and serenity in their lives.

I'm glad you found us - keep coming back.

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Old 09-14-2004, 01:45 PM
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Hun there is nothing you can do for him the only person you can do for is yourself. It serves no purpose to argue with a drunk. I cannot tell you to go or to stay I am in the same situation as you and I have 2 children. You are reaching out and that is a big step. The one thing I am learning to do is stop covering up for him when he messes up because I know my bf has to deal with the consequences of his own actions. His drinking has nothing to do you or anything you are or are not doing. You have to remember You did not cause it, You cannot controll it, and you cannot cure it. If we could cure our loved ones of this terrible disease then there would be no such problem as alcoholism and drug addicts. One thing I am looking into doing and you might consider it to is attending alanon meetings . This website has been a big big help for me there is so much wisdom here and comfort. Keep comming back and reading and posting it really helps. It has helped me not to feel like I was going crazy and to have peace in my life . Best of luck to you and my prayers are with you.
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Old 09-14-2004, 01:58 PM
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I can see everybody's help is going to be awesome. Thanks to everybody he writes back. I'm trying to stick things out with him for a little while longer at least. At the end of the month he's being forced into a rehab center because of his impaired charge. He even said that he hopes it will help and I believe he's sincere. I think the worst part for him is that he's embarrased about all of this. His friends, and even some of his family don't think there's anything wrong with any of it. This was all a normal part of his life. He's a stubborn guy and I don't think he wants to admit he needs help from anyone. It's humiliating to him. He know's the stress is an excuse and nothing more and he knows that alcohol doesn't actually help. His dad is going in for a quadrupal bypass surgery in a couple weeks and he's convinced he's not going to live.

I really want to see how this rehab goes and I'm hoping it makes a difference. If not, there will be some serious thinking going on. This is the first time he's going for help and I hope his heart is in it to take it.
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Old 09-14-2004, 04:54 PM
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Hi Aquiana,
The decision to stay or leave is up to you. There are success stories here for people who stay and people who leave. It is true that we can't "fix" them. But by reaching out, you are beginning to fix yourself. There is a lot of hope and healing here. Many of the members here are members of Al-Anon. It has been a great source of support and change for me. I have stayed with my husband through the good and bad, and I don't regret it. Al-Anon has helped me to see my life as my own, not as a victim.

Stick around. Read the posts. You will find that you are not alone in trying to deal with the effects of alcoholism on the family. We have all been there, and it does get better with love and support of people who understand.

To find an Al-Anon meeting in your area, and select "How to locate a meeting." Glad you joined us. Hugs, Magic
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