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wanttobehealthy 01-19-2016 09:21 AM

Who else felt this way?
 
Because I settled with my xAH during this 3rd time around the finalization of our divorce tree it is final, forever. He can not appeal. Ever. Ever.

That ultimately was what sold me on the settlement. The judge was kind, as kind as someone meant to be objective could be, and he was no nonsense with the X who tried to delay things due to his failing to submit some financial paperwork.

In any event, it is 100% final, forever.

I keep being told I should be relieved, I should celebrate etc... and all that I feel is overwhelming sadness and exhaustion.

Its been an epic path to get here, and during all of the fighting to protect my kids and myself, I never really felt the sadness of what this disease took from all of us.

And now that the fear and worry and court nonsense is over, I feel like I've been hit with a 2 x 4 of sadness...

It's annoying me quite honestly. I did not expect to feel anything but relief and yet I don't feel that at all.

Did others of you feel this way? I have talked only to my best friend since it was final last week and told only her-- she tells me she felt the same when hers was final and she, like me, wanted the divorce...

Im just blindsided and confused by how I feel I guess and wondered if others of you felt this too?

dandylion 01-19-2016 10:05 AM

I think that when the "battle" part is over...then we can feel the emotions that have been on the back burner for a l ong time.....
It is a process......
Yes, I have felt that way...and, you will find by reading the hundreds...thousands.... of threads on this forum....that this is a very, very common reaction for almost everyone.....

dandylion

wanttobehealthy 01-19-2016 10:29 AM

I thought that since this had gone on for so long-- years and years, that the sadness part had been dealt with... It appears not...

I guess this falls under 'more will be revealed'....

dandylion 01-19-2016 10:34 AM

scaredysquirrel.....well, at least you know that this is normal and that it will pass.......
Maybe, you can pull a bit of comfort from that.....

dandylion

LifeRecovery 01-19-2016 12:27 PM

Want to be-

I have NEVER felt so acutely sad as the day of my divorce being final.

It was a howling, gut check emotion, and it came out of no where.

Time did help. Something about the fact that it was final was a part of the sadness for me. I get that it is great to be finished in many ways, but there is also no chance for it to be repaired.......

I just want to normalize that it was a part of the journey for me.

wanttobehealthy 01-19-2016 12:31 PM

It truly came out of nowhere... I had no reason to expect anything but relief and I am still, days later, swallowing hard to not cry.

Of course I also have not had a single second without my kids since then so I can't really cry and be visibly sad which is probably what I need.

I did not think that this was ever going to be repairable but having it be officially, finally done after it seeming that it never would just seems to be this slamming shut of that part of my life.

Oddly, what I've been saddest about are the memories that I had forgotten that seem to be flooding back, of the times that were good, long ago, before we were married and before his drinking destroyed what could have been...


Originally Posted by LifeRecovery (Post 5749743)
Want to be-

I have NEVER felt so acutely sad as the day of my divorce being final.

It was a howling, gut check emotion, and it came out of no where.

Time did help. Something about the fact that it was final was a part of the sadness for me. I get that it is great to be finished in many ways, but there is also no chance for it to be repaired.......

I just want to normalize that it was a part of the journey for me.


ladyscribbler 01-19-2016 02:15 PM

I had a similar experience after our custody agreement was finalized after a year of legal back and forth. I thought I would be riding this wave of triumph because I *won* everything I'd been asking for and then some. Way stricter terms than he would have had if he had taken any of the settlements we offered before the trial. And I did feel some relief that it was freaking OVER and that my son would be protected from the worst of his father's drinking.
But I was also overwhelmed by that sadness, that final grieving for what might have been if only...It took me several weeks of intermittent sadness to really fully shake those feelings and find acceptance for what was and to finally let go of my old hopes.

Wisconsin 01-19-2016 02:39 PM

WTBH, I think it's interesting you posted this today. I received a call today from a dear friend whose divorce is finally done after two years, and she was having a similar reaction. While she is relieved it's done, she is also very, very sad. She attends a church that teaches pretty hard-line "wives should be submissive to husbands in all things," and she has struggled with her decision on that level, as well.

Hugs to you, my friend. Here's hoping that the sadness eases with each passing day.

:grouphug:

Liveitwell 01-19-2016 02:41 PM

Wanttobehealthy-I could have written every word you wrote. I think it's normal when you really did love someone-truly. I was profoundly sad, in shock and happy I was free-all at the same time. The thing I've learned through all of this is peoples true nature is revealed when the going gets tough-think about that in respect to your ex-a lot has been revealed to you!! It is hard thinking about what might have been and knowing it cannot be repaired. However, that allows other much healthier doors to open! Hugs, friend and peace to you.

DesertEyes 01-19-2016 02:44 PM


Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy (Post 5749457)
... if others of you felt this too?

Me too :( For me it was a mix of the grief process and "Stockholm syndrome". Grief at losing a marriage, losing my best friend and soul mate, losing my dreams and hopes for the future, etc. etc.

Stockholm syndrome because I had been under severe stress for several years and the normal way for a human mind to adapt to long term stress is to change it's internal perceptions such that the stress becomes "normal". When my divorce was final my brain went into "emotional whiplash" trying to deal with reality in the absence of continuous shots of adrenaline and other such emergency hormones. My body was so used to all the adrenalin that without it I felt _miserable_.

Simply hiding under the covers did nothing for me. I had to get out and force myself back into the real world so that my body would now re-adapt to a normal life.

Mike :)

sauerkraut 01-19-2016 03:02 PM

I'm right there with all ya'll, and for me it was just filing for divorce so far, not even getting it finalized. I was surprised by how sad I felt. In my head I thought it would be such a relief, that I've already moved on, and that I wouldn't want to go back to our marriage even if he begged me. Regardless, all that day and right up until the moment I signed the documents, I wanted him to ask for another chance, and I was overwhelmingly sad that he didn't.

Glad to know I'm not crazy, or that we're all crazy together. :)

Liveitwell 01-19-2016 03:03 PM

^ I too relate to that....my body was so messed up at the end and it took a while to adjust. I too relate to the Stockholm syndrome-absolutely

wanttobehealthy 01-19-2016 03:53 PM


Originally Posted by Forourgirls (Post 5749937)
Wanttobehealthy-I could have written every word you wrote. I think it's normal when you really did love someone-truly. I was profoundly sad, in shock and happy I was free-all at the same time. The thing I've learned through all of this is peoples true nature is revealed when the going gets tough-think about that in respect to your ex-a lot has been revealed to you!! It is hard thinking about what might have been and knowing it cannot be repaired. However, that allows other much healthier doors to open! Hugs, friend and peace to you.

Thank you all for listening to my whining rambles..

I really did love him-- the idea of what we could create together because we both had horror show childhoods-- but early in the marriage it was over and I clung to that hope of the ideal for years and years...

I don't understand what I am even sad about bc I grieved the loss of the life I thought we would have forever ago (so I thought), I have been enjoying the life the girls and I have together alone for years now and yet the symbolism of it being over forever seems to be a lot harder than I could have imagined.

I feel like Im damaged goods right now... It's irrational thinking I suppose...

I spent almost 20 years of my life with this man, he is a part of all of my 20's and 30's and every significant part of my life in those decades... So it feels odd to have the finality of no longer legally or emotionally (that part has been over forever) being connected to each other...

And of course he has continued to use the guise of contacting the girls to say hurtful things that he knows will get back to me via them -- knowing that none of this makes him at all sad just makes it a little sad too...

wanttobehealthy 01-19-2016 03:58 PM


Originally Posted by DesertEyes (Post 5749942)
Me too :( For me it was a mix of the grief process and "Stockholm syndrome". Grief at losing a marriage, losing my best friend and soul mate, losing my dreams and hopes for the future, etc. etc.

Stockholm syndrome because I had been under severe stress for several years and the normal way for a human mind to adapt to long term stress is to change it's internal perceptions such that the stress becomes "normal". When my divorce was final my brain went into "emotional whiplash" trying to deal with reality in the absence of continuous shots of adrenaline and other such emergency hormones. My body was so used to all the adrenalin that without it I felt _miserable_.

Simply hiding under the covers did nothing for me. I had to get out and force myself back into the real world so that my body would now re-adapt to a normal life.

Mike :)

This is all so interesting to me... Ive been in a hyper aroused state of panic for YEARS so now that Im not I feel like my brain and body are scanning constantly searching for fear or something to react to (I work with kids who have experienced trauma and this is pretty much exactly what they do too ironically).

Im finding my mind is FLOODED with images and memories and they're not all the bad ones (more of them are positive) and those are MUCH harder to cope with than the bad...

That is crazy huh? Positive memories are more painful to me than the nightmare ones I have lived for years...

dandylion 01-19-2016 04:15 PM

PTSD combined with grieving....?

dandylion

LifeRecovery 01-19-2016 04:29 PM


Originally Posted by dandylion (Post 5750145)
PTSD combined with grieving....?

dandylion

Mike's post and this sums my experience up greatly.

I finally could safely let down the walls and feel.....and was surprised at what came up.

I finally had the safety and space to sit with all the emotions (my PTSD was less about my relationship).....it felt like it came in waves and flooding for a bit.

wanttobehealthy 01-19-2016 04:31 PM


Originally Posted by LifeRecovery (Post 5750158)
I finally could safely let down the walls and feel.....and was surprised at what came up.

I finally had the safety and space to sit with all the emotions (my PTSD was less about my relationship).....it felt like it came in waves and flooding for a bit.

Yes. This. Precisely.

It is enormously helpful, though no less painful, to realize Im not crazy to feel this confusion and sadness...

Thanks to all who are sharing and helping me with this thread...

Liveitwell 01-19-2016 05:17 PM

My therapist has told me very straight lot that I absolutely suffer from PTSD bc if what I endured with my ex. It was emotional, sexual and mental abuse-and sometimes physical. I too found a tidal wave hit, and sometimes still does, bc I had to bury so much just to survive....and keep my kids safe....i was firing on all cylinders 24-7. I think I've said before, even when I DID open up about my feelings and how he was treating me and his family, I was abused, degraded and made fun of further. By him ( and during our divorce I found out, by his own sister, too). Sick people.
BUT you will heal...I will too. We will do it together! :)

wanttobehealthy 01-19-2016 05:23 PM


Originally Posted by Forourgirls (Post 5750217)
My therapist has told me very straight lot that I absolutely suffer from PTSD bc if what I endured with my ex. It was emotional, sexual and mental abuse-and sometimes physical. I too found a tidal wave hit, and sometimes still does, bc I had to bury so much just to survive....and keep my kids safe....i was firing on all cylinders 24-7. I think I've said before, even when I DID open up about my feelings and how he was treating me and his family, I was abused, degraded and made fun of further. By him ( and during our divorce I found out, by his own sister, too). Sick people.
BUT you will heal...I will too. We will do it together! :)

I have learned the hard way that telling an abusive person how their behavior hurts you just opens you up for more... I would advise against that at all costs... Maybe you meant that you used to open up to him and he'd turn on you and that you don't anymore...

It is so sad that we have been trained by these PTSD like experiences to not open up isn't it?

maia1234 01-19-2016 05:50 PM

The best way you can get back at your axh is by you doing well. When he sees you or hears your voice, you are smiling, confident,and everything is perfect. That means that you survived the divorce and you are thriving!!

Hugs my friends, we are all WARRIORS!!


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