Feeling Betrayed In So Many Ways
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
Feeling Betrayed In So Many Ways
Hi,
Just me again. Still feeling numb. I'm feeling like my whole world as I knew it is falling apart.
Feeling betrayed by people I thought had at least respect for me. My ah cousin, who washed his hands of my ah, has now called him and asked him if he/ I have sent him his credit card bills so he could pay them. My ah, through others, had the gall to accuse me again of not sending his bills to his cousin.
My last conversation with this cousin, so he had a good knowledge of alcoholism. I told him my ah was blaming me for not sending his credit card bills to him. I asked him if he wanted me to send them. He said no, my ah has to ask him for help, needs to hit rock bottom.
Now I'm hearing my ah cousin called him, is questioning why I didn't send the bills, and is going to help my ah. My ah out 900.00 in new charges for liquor, cigarettes and gas for 1 month on his card!
I'm feeling like I trusted and confided in the wrong person. I'm feeling very betrayed.
All I ever tried to do was support my ah in business. It seems like I've done everything wrong. Why is his cousin now supporting him?? Or do I not know the whole story. I guess blood is thicker than water.
Should I call this cousin to ask him what's going on, or let it lie. We do, or I though had a good relationship. He was very support regarding my ah behavior.
Nothing surprises me anymore. I can't take anyone at face value anymore!!
Just me again. Still feeling numb. I'm feeling like my whole world as I knew it is falling apart.
Feeling betrayed by people I thought had at least respect for me. My ah cousin, who washed his hands of my ah, has now called him and asked him if he/ I have sent him his credit card bills so he could pay them. My ah, through others, had the gall to accuse me again of not sending his bills to his cousin.
My last conversation with this cousin, so he had a good knowledge of alcoholism. I told him my ah was blaming me for not sending his credit card bills to him. I asked him if he wanted me to send them. He said no, my ah has to ask him for help, needs to hit rock bottom.
Now I'm hearing my ah cousin called him, is questioning why I didn't send the bills, and is going to help my ah. My ah out 900.00 in new charges for liquor, cigarettes and gas for 1 month on his card!
I'm feeling like I trusted and confided in the wrong person. I'm feeling very betrayed.
All I ever tried to do was support my ah in business. It seems like I've done everything wrong. Why is his cousin now supporting him?? Or do I not know the whole story. I guess blood is thicker than water.
Should I call this cousin to ask him what's going on, or let it lie. We do, or I though had a good relationship. He was very support regarding my ah behavior.
Nothing surprises me anymore. I can't take anyone at face value anymore!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Zircon.....all I can add is that I think that as soon as you are away from all this entanglement...the better you will be.....
I suspect that he o nly way you will be able to do this is to step outside of it....
LOl...this may not be a very good analogy...but I think of when my daughter had long hair...and sometimes she would get tangle that was so bad..that the only sol ution was to cut it out, altogether
Who knows...? Maybe his cousin thinks that he is doing the "right" thing.....But, it sure does you no good to be in the middle....
You have filed for divorce....a giant first step.....now, you will need to establish new boundaries that support your best interest and welfare....
Most of the time...family will support their own...that is just how it seems to work, most of the time......
dandylion
I suspect that he o nly way you will be able to do this is to step outside of it....
LOl...this may not be a very good analogy...but I think of when my daughter had long hair...and sometimes she would get tangle that was so bad..that the only sol ution was to cut it out, altogether
Who knows...? Maybe his cousin thinks that he is doing the "right" thing.....But, it sure does you no good to be in the middle....
You have filed for divorce....a giant first step.....now, you will need to establish new boundaries that support your best interest and welfare....
Most of the time...family will support their own...that is just how it seems to work, most of the time......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Everything dandy says is valid...
And one more thing--you're probably predisposed to believe the words STBX says...don't. Assume the opposite--that everything is a lie. That will help you as you imagine what everyone is thinking. They could be complete bold-faced lies, or things STBX said to THEM...
My XAH had me in knots over even my own family. In some cases I ignored it and kept on, allowing that person to address anything. In other cases I asked directly about X's comments in a non threatening way to clear the air and find where I stood.
With his family, they were supportive at first, but would waffle and waver--they're susceptible to the lies as well, and he's their BABY...
I decided it was healthier for me to let his family go...and mostly cut ties. It wasn't my job to convince them I was right, and would have created a toxic situation. That was tough because I was very close to his dad after 20 years...
However, three years later we've circled back and have a good relationship centered around their grandkids.
It's a messy, messy time. Choose the greater good, allow people their space, be direct and honest in all you do, and give it all time.
If you have relationships you value, it's good to address directly and clear the air--worst case, you lose it anyway.
And DON'T BELIEVE A WORD HE SAYS!!!
And one more thing--you're probably predisposed to believe the words STBX says...don't. Assume the opposite--that everything is a lie. That will help you as you imagine what everyone is thinking. They could be complete bold-faced lies, or things STBX said to THEM...
My XAH had me in knots over even my own family. In some cases I ignored it and kept on, allowing that person to address anything. In other cases I asked directly about X's comments in a non threatening way to clear the air and find where I stood.
With his family, they were supportive at first, but would waffle and waver--they're susceptible to the lies as well, and he's their BABY...
I decided it was healthier for me to let his family go...and mostly cut ties. It wasn't my job to convince them I was right, and would have created a toxic situation. That was tough because I was very close to his dad after 20 years...
However, three years later we've circled back and have a good relationship centered around their grandkids.
It's a messy, messy time. Choose the greater good, allow people their space, be direct and honest in all you do, and give it all time.
If you have relationships you value, it's good to address directly and clear the air--worst case, you lose it anyway.
And DON'T BELIEVE A WORD HE SAYS!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Yep, I agree with the others... it's time to cut ALL ties. Why in the world is it your job to be "sending his credit card bills" to ANYone? He can dammm well get his own mail redirected to an address of his choice.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Why in the world is it your job to be "sending his credit card bills" to ANYone? He can dammm well get his own mail redirected to an address of his choice.
I'm now watching my brother put his ex-wife thru the wringer w/this same tactic--over the years, he has thrown so much on her and then made a stink when the result wasn't what he wanted. Even tho they are YEARS divorced, he still makes demands on her and she still jumps...I'm trying to help her see that she does NOT have to take the bait. However, she is an untreated ACOA and it's tough going....
A big lesson from Alanon for me was to wait before making a decision. If you are asked to do something, simply say "I need to think about that a bit--let me get back to you." A lot of times, if you just take a moment rather than doing the knee-jerk "sure, I'll handle it" thing, you DO see that what you're being asked to do is truly none of your business, and certainly not your burden to bear! Maybe that would be helpful to you in learning to know what is your responsibility and what is NOT. I'm still not real good at it, but I'm practicing it as often as I can...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Exactly! Same crap for my ex-I guess he does not know how to do anything on his own.....I still get mail for him at my home (almost a year and a half later). I toss it in the trash. Sure hope none of it is important! I still get phone calls from companies telling me he's delinquent on payments. I ask them to remove my number and not call me again. All I did was take care of him and finances and basically everything to run our home for almost a decade. His turn to take care of himself as I owe him nothing and have no duty or legal requirement to do more than I am court ordered to do.
I'm sure your "man" knows how to read and fill out a change if address form?
And yes, unfortunately family sometimes sticks together even though it's a detriment to a person, some families will even lie for each other, refuse to tell the truth, enable, cover up, etc-all that being said, that has nothing to do with YOU!
I'm sure your "man" knows how to read and fill out a change if address form?
And yes, unfortunately family sometimes sticks together even though it's a detriment to a person, some families will even lie for each other, refuse to tell the truth, enable, cover up, etc-all that being said, that has nothing to do with YOU!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
can i send him MY credit card bills????
remember the saying: Not my circus, Not my monkey. whatever transpired between AH and his cousin is between THEM. you did what you thought was the right course.....and you need involve yourself no further. i'd be want to extract myself from the "business" as quickly as possible.....and get away from the whole damn mess..........
remember the saying: Not my circus, Not my monkey. whatever transpired between AH and his cousin is between THEM. you did what you thought was the right course.....and you need involve yourself no further. i'd be want to extract myself from the "business" as quickly as possible.....and get away from the whole damn mess..........
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
Hi,
I think I need to stop trying to make the situation rational and logical, when it's very illogical and irrational.
I'm not dealing with a person who sees reality for what it is. My ah creates in his mind his own reality and fantasy world.
I also need to keep reminding myself, my ah isn't the man I married. He is a stranger to me. He might look like him in a physical way, but he doesn't have the same soul it heart.
Somewhere in time my ah has slowly slipped away from me, everything he knows and used to love, and created his own reality and safe place to protect his addiction. There is no place there for familiar things or anyone he used to know or love. This would threaten his safe place my ah has created.
I understand where my ah is coming from, but still need to let go of the past, start living for today. I need to start dealing with my own anger and frustration . This is a difficult thing to do.
Even though I know what is real, and there is no excuse for abuse, I am fighting with myself.
I thing this last year, I was fighting to save my ah. I fought a good fight, but the reality of it, is he doesn't want to be saved. My ah feels safe right where he is.
Now, I guess it is my time, to fight to save me, the person I worked all these years to become. The abuse from my ah caused me to doubt myself, to question my worth as a person, mother and caregiver.
One one had a right to do that do anyone!! To make them afraid, to have to walk on eggshells in there own home, and to feel degraded and less of a human being.
Yes, a part of me will always love my ah. I think my heart is having a difficult time accepting all of this.
It truely is painful to see someone you used to know just slip away before your eyes, and feel so helpless.
I think I need to stop trying to make the situation rational and logical, when it's very illogical and irrational.
I'm not dealing with a person who sees reality for what it is. My ah creates in his mind his own reality and fantasy world.
I also need to keep reminding myself, my ah isn't the man I married. He is a stranger to me. He might look like him in a physical way, but he doesn't have the same soul it heart.
Somewhere in time my ah has slowly slipped away from me, everything he knows and used to love, and created his own reality and safe place to protect his addiction. There is no place there for familiar things or anyone he used to know or love. This would threaten his safe place my ah has created.
I understand where my ah is coming from, but still need to let go of the past, start living for today. I need to start dealing with my own anger and frustration . This is a difficult thing to do.
Even though I know what is real, and there is no excuse for abuse, I am fighting with myself.
I thing this last year, I was fighting to save my ah. I fought a good fight, but the reality of it, is he doesn't want to be saved. My ah feels safe right where he is.
Now, I guess it is my time, to fight to save me, the person I worked all these years to become. The abuse from my ah caused me to doubt myself, to question my worth as a person, mother and caregiver.
One one had a right to do that do anyone!! To make them afraid, to have to walk on eggshells in there own home, and to feel degraded and less of a human being.
Yes, a part of me will always love my ah. I think my heart is having a difficult time accepting all of this.
It truely is painful to see someone you used to know just slip away before your eyes, and feel so helpless.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Z-yes it is. It is truly heartbreaking in every sense of the word. All I ever wanted was for my husband to get better, bc I loved him. But we know that love doesn't fix or get people better. Prayers, friend.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
Originally Posted by Zircon 
Hi,
I think I need to stop trying to make the situation rational and logical, when it's very illogical and irrational.
I'm not dealing with a person who sees reality for what it is. My ah creates in his mind his own reality and fantasy world.
I also need to keep reminding myself, my ah isn't the man I married. He is a stranger to me. He might look like him in a physical way, but he doesn't have the same soul it heart.
Somewhere in time my ah has slowly slipped away from me, everything he knows and used to love, and created his own reality and safe place to protect his addiction. There is no place there for familiar things or anyone he used to know or love. This would threaten his safe place my ah has created.
I understand where my ah is coming from, but still need to let go of the past, start living for today. I need to start dealing with my own anger and frustration . This is a difficult thing to do.
Even though I know what is real, and there is no excuse for abuse, I am fighting with myself.
I thing this last year, I was fighting to save my ah. I fought a good fight, but the reality of it, is he doesn't want to be saved. My ah feels safe right where he is.
Now, I guess it is my time, to fight to save me, the person I worked all these years to become. The abuse from my ah caused me to doubt myself, to question my worth as a person, mother and caregiver.
One one had a right to do that do anyone!! To make them afraid, to have to walk on eggshells in there own home, and to feel degraded and less of a human being.
Yes, a part of me will always love my ah. I think my heart is having a difficult time accepting all of this.
It truely is painful to see someone you used to know just slip away before your eyes, and feel so helpless.
I think I need to stop trying to make the situation rational and logical, when it's very illogical and irrational.
I'm not dealing with a person who sees reality for what it is. My ah creates in his mind his own reality and fantasy world.
I also need to keep reminding myself, my ah isn't the man I married. He is a stranger to me. He might look like him in a physical way, but he doesn't have the same soul it heart.
Somewhere in time my ah has slowly slipped away from me, everything he knows and used to love, and created his own reality and safe place to protect his addiction. There is no place there for familiar things or anyone he used to know or love. This would threaten his safe place my ah has created.
I understand where my ah is coming from, but still need to let go of the past, start living for today. I need to start dealing with my own anger and frustration . This is a difficult thing to do.
Even though I know what is real, and there is no excuse for abuse, I am fighting with myself.
I thing this last year, I was fighting to save my ah. I fought a good fight, but the reality of it, is he doesn't want to be saved. My ah feels safe right where he is.
Now, I guess it is my time, to fight to save me, the person I worked all these years to become. The abuse from my ah caused me to doubt myself, to question my worth as a person, mother and caregiver.
One one had a right to do that do anyone!! To make them afraid, to have to walk on eggshells in there own home, and to feel degraded and less of a human being.
Yes, a part of me will always love my ah. I think my heart is having a difficult time accepting all of this.
It truely is painful to see someone you used to know just slip away before your eyes, and feel so helpless.
You got it Zircon!!! Although as I know how off the chart painful this is maybe I shouldn't be putting smiley faces here! You are one smart cookie to figure this out. Please come here for as much support as you can get.
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