The dangers of pornopgraphy in marriage
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Yep ^ my ex lied to me all the time, too-but I was the crazy one-and looking back I WAS crazy to ever expect him to tell me the truth.
I agree with others-sometimes porn becomes another addiction. Sometimes it's used bc the marriage is sexless-in those cases I still feel it causes more problems bc the reasons the marriage is sexless are not addressed and instead of connecting with the spouse, another woman or man is sought out. Or is the marriage sexless due to the porn!! Turning to something or someone else instead of turning to your spouse can and does cause much bigger problems.
I agree with others-sometimes porn becomes another addiction. Sometimes it's used bc the marriage is sexless-in those cases I still feel it causes more problems bc the reasons the marriage is sexless are not addressed and instead of connecting with the spouse, another woman or man is sought out. Or is the marriage sexless due to the porn!! Turning to something or someone else instead of turning to your spouse can and does cause much bigger problems.
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It has been my experience, that, in a, basically, bad marriage---between two people who are incompatable.....ANYTHING. can be labeled as the "cause" of the demise of the relationship.....
Actual sexual addiction is a serious problem which indicates some underlying conflicts of some kind.....It is an extreme....any extreme ANYTHING can wreck havoc in a relationship......
I do think it is important to separate normal from addiction......
for example, in my first marriage....my husband's extreme workaholism was the most easily identifyable pathology....and I would never ever want to be with a workaholic again.....HOWEVER.....after a complete "autopsy" of the marriage, it becomes evident that we should have never married in the first place...but, I was just too young 22yrs. and nieve to know that at the time....I was just released from an environment that was p ractically like a convent.....(so inexperienced). I will add, here, that he wasn't an alcoholic, nor was he abusive...
I can point to the workaholism...but, in reality, he was not made of what I really wanted and needed in a life partner.
dandylion
Actual sexual addiction is a serious problem which indicates some underlying conflicts of some kind.....It is an extreme....any extreme ANYTHING can wreck havoc in a relationship......
I do think it is important to separate normal from addiction......
for example, in my first marriage....my husband's extreme workaholism was the most easily identifyable pathology....and I would never ever want to be with a workaholic again.....HOWEVER.....after a complete "autopsy" of the marriage, it becomes evident that we should have never married in the first place...but, I was just too young 22yrs. and nieve to know that at the time....I was just released from an environment that was p ractically like a convent.....(so inexperienced). I will add, here, that he wasn't an alcoholic, nor was he abusive...
I can point to the workaholism...but, in reality, he was not made of what I really wanted and needed in a life partner.
dandylion
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My ex never viewed pornography, it just was not his thing. And I thought he was such a gentleman and a great guy for not viewing it. I thought he respected me . . . ehm . . . wrong. Sex was not his thing, libido was not his thing. Sometimes I believe that showing some interest in pornography is indication of normal. Imagine a guy who just does not feel like having sex, who is so passive about it. I mean, desire, the urge to procreate, is the strongest instinct, in addition to breathing, and eating, and sleeping.
Pornography still exists because apparently it has audience.
After my experience, I would be very suspicious of a guy who absolutely shows no interest. It might be too good to be true.
Pornography still exists because apparently it has audience.
After my experience, I would be very suspicious of a guy who absolutely shows no interest. It might be too good to be true.
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^ my ex did show an interest-especially when drunk....and I wanted no part of it. When he would try things drunk and I would say no or stop, he would yell obscenities at me and curse me out, among other things. I did have a high sex drive and loved sex with him-duh-but after years of lies, abuse, etc I no longer wabted him to touch me-bc I did not desire to give myself to a drunk liar. In my case I DO and did absolutely see my faults and sins and I did own them-absolutely. BUT I was not the one actively taking down our marriage. Period. I was actively doing anything I could to learn, grow and work on myself and our marriage. We were compatible-absolutely. But his demons and lies and inability to grow up (It felt like I was married to a five year old at times-a lot) severed all. The porn was just one more nail in the coffin. So, I guess in the end our compatibility ended bc I was not willing to share my life with a drunk mommas boy. So be it. The porn was just one more thing in a long list of things that showed he could not and should not be trusted with my heart and showed me how little empathy he had for his actions. Typical of an alcoholic and narcissist. My experience.
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Mine could only try things drunk . . . the emphasis here is on try and drunk. Yuck, so not my cup of tea. And, you know, I do consider myself lucky that he could not do much. So, a drunkard who thinks he is sexy, yuck X 1000. I fully understand your disgust.
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Originally Posted by healthyagain 
My ex never viewed pornography, it just was not his thing. And I thought he was such a gentleman and a great guy for not viewing it. I thought he respected me . . . ehm . . . wrong. Sex was not his thing, libido was not his thing. Sometimes I believe that showing some interest in pornography is indication of normal. Imagine a guy who just does not feel like having sex, who is so passive about it. I mean, desire, the urge to procreate, is the strongest instinct, in addition to breathing, and eating, and sleeping.
Pornography still exists because apparently it has audience.
After my experience, I would be very suspicious of a guy who absolutely shows no interest. It might be too good to be true.
Pornography still exists because apparently it has audience.
After my experience, I would be very suspicious of a guy who absolutely shows no interest. It might be too good to be true.
Because he is passive I have never rejected him in 30 years I knew if I did it would hurt his ego.
The marriage became sexless when he was viewing I can look back and nail it down to that.
Passive aggressive men are another kind.
You never know what or if they are upset because they don't share feelings properly.
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Originally Posted by FindingAmy
Redatlanta, what you say about transparency in a marriage is so important and was definitely part of the demise of mine. When I found my husband was watching porn, and a very offensive version (if that's even possible), he tried denying it until I showed him the browser history (he had no idea about history). After that day, the history was always deleted and he denied he ever did it again. I know he was and that just added to the complete distrust that festered in our marriage. It also contributed to a sexless marriage for the last 4 or 5 years we were together. I'm glad I read this post, as I've been having so much trouble remembering why I was unhappy in my marriage, and this just brought so much back. The porn, the lying, the denial, the non-transparency. Ugh.
They have done studies that it destroys their desire for a normal loving relationship.
They destroyed the marriage bed.
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Originally Posted by healthyagain
... I would be very suspicious of a guy who absolutely shows no interest....
I am a guy, and I have _no_ interest in any of that garbage. It is _not_ sexy, it is _not_ exciting, it is totally disgusting.
What I _do_ find interesting, and which _does_ get my hormones all in a tizzy, is a charming young lady who is "dressed to impress" at the local mall, or other such public venue. My ex used to get a charge from "spinning my head around" and would, in the privacy of our bedroom, wear some _very_ interesting ... um.... shall I say.... "outfits"?
I am not supposed to repeat things that are shared in closed men's meetings, but I can mention, in a general way, what I have heard from other guys and from my friends. Real men want a real woman. Guys whose eyes are stuck inside a picture instead of on a real woman have some kind of problem going on.
Mike
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OK Let's try it from a different angle.
Let' substitute pornography for romance novels.
If a woman reads these novels, is is it not to fulfill some mental place that she enjoys? Does it make it bad if she does? They (novels) are unrealistic, not representative of a normal relationship.
Now some women, judge a man based on how he stacks up against a romance novel character that they enjoy reading about. Is it a problem yet? If so....for whom is it a problem for?
While I may not see what the heck the appeal is to romance novels, as long as a woman wishes to read them for her entertainment, doesn't use them to model her life after them, and can accept that life , real life, will rarely be like a romance novel, I say let her enjoy them. If by chance it enhances her to the positive, then all the better.
Some men also enjoy these novels. Some women enjoy porn. Doesn't mean either of them are abnormal, or have a problem.
What it comes down to is communication. If porn is a deal-breaker for you, he should know that in about month 1 or so of a relationship.
Just like smoking. If someone smokes, its a deal-breaker for me. Doesn't make them a bad person, just means they are not right for me.
I have known women that love porn as much as any man does. And they aren't out of control, or seem to be leading a sordid life because of it.
Let' substitute pornography for romance novels.
If a woman reads these novels, is is it not to fulfill some mental place that she enjoys? Does it make it bad if she does? They (novels) are unrealistic, not representative of a normal relationship.
Now some women, judge a man based on how he stacks up against a romance novel character that they enjoy reading about. Is it a problem yet? If so....for whom is it a problem for?
While I may not see what the heck the appeal is to romance novels, as long as a woman wishes to read them for her entertainment, doesn't use them to model her life after them, and can accept that life , real life, will rarely be like a romance novel, I say let her enjoy them. If by chance it enhances her to the positive, then all the better.
Some men also enjoy these novels. Some women enjoy porn. Doesn't mean either of them are abnormal, or have a problem.
What it comes down to is communication. If porn is a deal-breaker for you, he should know that in about month 1 or so of a relationship.
Just like smoking. If someone smokes, its a deal-breaker for me. Doesn't make them a bad person, just means they are not right for me.
I have known women that love porn as much as any man does. And they aren't out of control, or seem to be leading a sordid life because of it.
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Oh, I so believe there are men who think porn is garbage, and trully feel that way. It is only that my men picker device is so broken that I do not even know what I would tolerate and what would be considered a healthy extent of pornographic interest. Of course it would be great that there is none, but I had that in my marriage, and the real reason is not that he was respectful to me or other women. On contrary. He probably killed his mojo first with alcohol.
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^ ah yes....my ex used to say all the right words-I won't go to strip clubs bc you don't like it and think it's disrespectful and besides, that's someone's daughter up there. But I guess he had no problem viewing porn and hooking up with people online-and God only knows what else-you know, bc that's respectable and all when you're the father to two young girls. Go him!
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That's the one that cracks me up the most...
...because every female on the planet is somebody's daughter. Except maybe clones-- maybe they aren't. 
Originally Posted by Forourgirls
...and think it's disrespectful and besides, that's someone's daughter up there
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They really are unbelievable. And how I took his going to porn and not being able to get it up (TMI?) personally. First I believed it was age (it started in his early 40s, so probably not), then I thought it was his diet (so codependent that I am, I cleaned that up, nope, it wasn't that), then I thought it was hormones (got those checked, nope not that), then when he had open heart surgery I was SURE it was due to that and a low blood flow problem to the area! Nope. So by this point, being that I didn't know anything about the alcoholism yet, it had to be me. I must repulse him in some way. Then the alcoholism comes to light. And I am convinced that is what played a role in it. In addition to the mother/child dynamic we had going on (what man would want to be with his mother??). Then it just became a vicious cycle of his not wanting to even put an arm on me because he thought then I'd want sex and he couldn't offer it. So all physical contact came to an end at least 5 years ago. I'm sure that led to more porn. And the cycle went on. That all in addition to the marriage being over. So which came first the porn or the alcohol or the problems in the marriage. Who knows. But at the end of the day, it really doesn't matter. He's gone and I'm worthy of someone wanting to put their arm around me because they want to.
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FindingAmy....just so you know---there are ways of having satisfying sexual experiences...even in relationships where there are physical "handicaps" or one type or another.......
Of course, this requires a good communication between the partners and a fairly healthy relationship...
dandylion
Of course, this requires a good communication between the partners and a fairly healthy relationship...
dandylion
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Originally Posted by healthyagain
Oh, I so believe there are men who think porn is garbage, and trully feel that way.
Including myself.
Yes, at one time I got into it a little.
But, realized that it was bad (evil) for me.
Think I broke the trend before it became an addiction.
Mountainmanbob
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Interesting discussion all. Special thanks to all you guys who chimed in. Sexuality is such a big part of who we are even for me, a celibate.
Hangnbyathread, that is a good point about romance novels. Reading has always been my escape. When I was young I read more romance. I have often joked that I only fall in love with men in books by woman authors.
I've always figured that a certain amount of explicit material was normal for most men and some women. As porn is so available online, it has become more of an issue for parents. What do you tell kids about this? At some point everyone has to make a choice about what is and isn't okay for themselves.
Hangnbyathread, that is a good point about romance novels. Reading has always been my escape. When I was young I read more romance. I have often joked that I only fall in love with men in books by woman authors.
I've always figured that a certain amount of explicit material was normal for most men and some women. As porn is so available online, it has become more of an issue for parents. What do you tell kids about this? At some point everyone has to make a choice about what is and isn't okay for themselves.
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When I was molested by my babysitter who was possibly 14-16 at the time he used porn to show me it was normal. He would show the pictures and say lets do it.
It was his other manipulation tool.
I often wonder who introduced him to porn and why he thought molesting a 7 year old was normal.He was the eldest in the family. Had a great sex life with me.
Again can't convince me anything good comes from it.
It was his other manipulation tool.
I often wonder who introduced him to porn and why he thought molesting a 7 year old was normal.He was the eldest in the family. Had a great sex life with me.
Again can't convince me anything good comes from it.
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Blue...I am soo sorry to hear that this happened to you. You were just a child and had no control....I am so sad that you did not get the help and protection that you needed.....It was not your fault....
I can understand that your relationship with your husband must trigger powerful feelings for you......
dandylion
I can understand that your relationship with your husband must trigger powerful feelings for you......
dandylion
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