Testing the boundaries
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Testing the boundaries
So AP has been in residential rehab for 12 days now. It's been difficult keeping the kids on track by myself, but it's amazing how much calmer I've felt. My house is so CLEAN! And if I feel like sitting in the living room with the TV off and quiet for the evening, I can do that without someone needing all that background noise and distraction all the time. 
I've been hitting as many meetings as I can and going to see my therapist. I still have so many thoughts and unanswered questions swirling around in my mind, but it's a lot easier to focus on myself when I'm not in a constant state of stress and anxiety. I still don't know what's going to happen when AP gets out of rehab. I don't know if I want her to come back home, or if she even wants to come back home. I'm feeling like it would be better if she finds somewhere else, like a sober house, for a while. But I know that I can't make that decision. All I can do is state my own needs and let her figure things out from there.
She's called every day since she's been there, to talk to me and the kids. Usually only for about 10 min tops, so it's been okay and not too much of a disruption. But tomorrow she is getting out for a little while on a release and wants to come home to see the dogs and watch a movie with the kids. I'm nervous about it. I don't want to fall back into old patterns and start fighting, especially when the kids only get to hang out with her for a couple of hours.
I'm hitting up my Al-Anon books hard tonight, praying for serenity and detachment to keep things peaceful tomorrow. I feel like I've made a lot of progress in my own head, so I'm really hoping that I can translate that progress into our face-to-face interactions as well.
I've been hitting as many meetings as I can and going to see my therapist. I still have so many thoughts and unanswered questions swirling around in my mind, but it's a lot easier to focus on myself when I'm not in a constant state of stress and anxiety. I still don't know what's going to happen when AP gets out of rehab. I don't know if I want her to come back home, or if she even wants to come back home. I'm feeling like it would be better if she finds somewhere else, like a sober house, for a while. But I know that I can't make that decision. All I can do is state my own needs and let her figure things out from there.
She's called every day since she's been there, to talk to me and the kids. Usually only for about 10 min tops, so it's been okay and not too much of a disruption. But tomorrow she is getting out for a little while on a release and wants to come home to see the dogs and watch a movie with the kids. I'm nervous about it. I don't want to fall back into old patterns and start fighting, especially when the kids only get to hang out with her for a couple of hours.
I'm hitting up my Al-Anon books hard tonight, praying for serenity and detachment to keep things peaceful tomorrow. I feel like I've made a lot of progress in my own head, so I'm really hoping that I can translate that progress into our face-to-face interactions as well.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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I completely know what you mean by the peace... and cleanliness, lol. My abf has only been in rehab for 5 dsys now, but my house is so orderly. I turn on music instead of TV. And I can't remember the last time I slept so good. I feel a sense of serenity I haven't felt in a while. Don't get me wrong, I miss him, just not the chaos. I, too am very nervous of all thats to come.
I wish you all the luck with your visit tomorrow. I hope everything goes smoothly and peacefully. I was thinking though, maybe if you sort of have a plan B if things start to go wonky and you feel a fight coming on.. like taking a walk or making a phone call to a good friend or something if you feel the tension escalating. I am new to all this, so forgive me if this is obvious protocol.
I wish you all the luck with your visit tomorrow. I hope everything goes smoothly and peacefully. I was thinking though, maybe if you sort of have a plan B if things start to go wonky and you feel a fight coming on.. like taking a walk or making a phone call to a good friend or something if you feel the tension escalating. I am new to all this, so forgive me if this is obvious protocol.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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I totally get what you guys are saying! My ABF has been in rehab for 10 days and it is amazing how peaceful the house is! The kids are also feeling it too... they are so much more relaxed and there is a ton of LAUGHTER! I didn't realize it was missing until I heard it again for the last few days! It is such a welcomed change!
I am also worried about when my ABF comes home for a visit next weekend. I don't know how to deal with it, but I am just going to go with the flow. Our conversations on the phone have been really good and constructive. I went to visit him for a couple of hours last weekend and the end of the visit did not go so well. I told him that his CD counselor had sent me a questionnaire and that I filled it out. I decided to share it with him because his CD counselor was going to anyway. I just didn't want there to be any surprises, which there shouldn't have been. He got upset about how open and honest I was about our relationship, his abuse when he was intoxicated, and also ED issues related to alcohol. I left crying, because none of it should have been a surprise. I was only gone for about 10 minutes when he called and apologized. He said it was difficult to hear those things out loud, but that he really wanted to work on them and work his program. I am hopeful, but also reserved. I don't know how else to explain it.
I am also worried about when my ABF comes home for a visit next weekend. I don't know how to deal with it, but I am just going to go with the flow. Our conversations on the phone have been really good and constructive. I went to visit him for a couple of hours last weekend and the end of the visit did not go so well. I told him that his CD counselor had sent me a questionnaire and that I filled it out. I decided to share it with him because his CD counselor was going to anyway. I just didn't want there to be any surprises, which there shouldn't have been. He got upset about how open and honest I was about our relationship, his abuse when he was intoxicated, and also ED issues related to alcohol. I left crying, because none of it should have been a surprise. I was only gone for about 10 minutes when he called and apologized. He said it was difficult to hear those things out loud, but that he really wanted to work on them and work his program. I am hopeful, but also reserved. I don't know how else to explain it.
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I know what you mean, Caretaker88. AP called last night and I told her about a conversation I had with the kids about where she is, why, and how they might be feeling. I didn't want her to be surprised if they bring it up tomorrow, and I wanted us to be on the same page with our messaging to them. For all of her faults when she is in the middle of an addiction/mental health spiral, she is a kind and caring mother to them and is concerned about how they are dealing with everything. But the info I relayed was really hard for her to hear and she was pretty upset when we hung up the phone. There really isn't anything I can do or say to make her feel better, and it's not my job to try. Everything I told her is the truth and is exactly what I told the kids, so it's okay for her to feel guilty and upset about it. She should feel like that!
My son thought that she left because I was yelling at her all the time. He is trying to protect her. So I had to explain about how adults might argue and fight but that doesn't mean that we don't love them, and that we aren't still a family. I told them that she has a mental illness, meaning her brain is sick and she is in a hospital to help her get healthy. And when she is sick, she makes poor choices that aren't healthy or safe for her or any of us so it's not safe for her to live in our house right now. I think they understand, as much as they are able. But they miss her a lot and are acting out in their own ways quite a bit.
My son thought that she left because I was yelling at her all the time. He is trying to protect her. So I had to explain about how adults might argue and fight but that doesn't mean that we don't love them, and that we aren't still a family. I told them that she has a mental illness, meaning her brain is sick and she is in a hospital to help her get healthy. And when she is sick, she makes poor choices that aren't healthy or safe for her or any of us so it's not safe for her to live in our house right now. I think they understand, as much as they are able. But they miss her a lot and are acting out in their own ways quite a bit.
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Great thread people, I hope you guys read and keep reading what was posted. First off, alanon states something like " you can always find an alcoholic home from the crazy non alcoholic spouse". They are drinking and you are the crazy one, as stated by your son above.
I hope that you grasp what you all have posted. That you can survive without the alcoholic in your life. We are all so afraid of what would happen to "us" and the "kids". You realize your life gets calm. House stays clean. You can even smile and act like a "normal" family, there is no crisis or fight, its an amazing feeling. Can you believe how much you all tolerated with a self centered, narcissistic alcoholic in our life?
I look back at my 34 year career with my axh, not comprehending that I could to this on my own, survive and actually thrive. This feeling is amazing!! (you are all blessed because your addicts are seeking help, I never felt that experience)
What you need to do now is work your alanon program. You can make realistic boundaries for yourself dealing with your addict. (and follow through). You can not worry about their sobriety, they have wasted to much of your time in your brain . You can find out what you want in your life and how much more you will tolerate. Work on yourself and realize that you can do what ever you want with your life.
Think about if you want to be like me and waste 1/2 your life waiting for them to find sobriety. We all pray that they will continue working a program, but odds are against them. Remember life is not a bed of roses after the addict arrives home from rehab. They also say "It isn't my job to reward him for sobriety or punish him for drunkenness." Work your program, and let them work theirs.
Hugs my friends, and enjoy your serenity!!!
I hope that you grasp what you all have posted. That you can survive without the alcoholic in your life. We are all so afraid of what would happen to "us" and the "kids". You realize your life gets calm. House stays clean. You can even smile and act like a "normal" family, there is no crisis or fight, its an amazing feeling. Can you believe how much you all tolerated with a self centered, narcissistic alcoholic in our life?
I look back at my 34 year career with my axh, not comprehending that I could to this on my own, survive and actually thrive. This feeling is amazing!! (you are all blessed because your addicts are seeking help, I never felt that experience)
What you need to do now is work your alanon program. You can make realistic boundaries for yourself dealing with your addict. (and follow through). You can not worry about their sobriety, they have wasted to much of your time in your brain . You can find out what you want in your life and how much more you will tolerate. Work on yourself and realize that you can do what ever you want with your life.
Think about if you want to be like me and waste 1/2 your life waiting for them to find sobriety. We all pray that they will continue working a program, but odds are against them. Remember life is not a bed of roses after the addict arrives home from rehab. They also say "It isn't my job to reward him for sobriety or punish him for drunkenness." Work your program, and let them work theirs.
Hugs my friends, and enjoy your serenity!!!
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Thanks for the encouragement Maia. I have to say, in this short week, my fear of being "alone" definitely subsided. When (or really if) abf returns home, I feel much more committed to setting boundaries and following through with repercussions. I am suprised by how much more "time" I have. Theres the same amount of hours in the day, they are just more productive. I like this Me im spending time with right now. Still, im just gonna take it one day at a time, and see where this journey leads. Im hoping he works his program, and we can stay together, but I am also preparing for the worst, and not nearly as terrified by the possibility that it might night work out, as I once was.
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Turtle,
This is wonderful news!!!! It is amazing the destruction that an alcoholic can do to our lives with out us even noticing it. Once we "have" to step up and be on our own, we actually see we can. The peace that comes over us.
For 20 years I never slept. Worried when he will get home, if he comes home, will he be drunk and pick a fight, wait for the call from the cops or the hospital. There was always something to worry about him. The first night in my town home I slept like a baby, first night!!! I never felt sleep was possible as we had been together 34 years and never really slept. I really didn't put two and two together as he was the reason I couldn't sleep, I always felt it was having kids and always watching out for them.
I pray that your ab works a program and finds serenity. Don't be disappointed if he fails, as lot of them do. Go over to new to recovery and read the forums of the many women and men trying to seek sobriety. It is the hardest thing to do, but once again it is none of your business.
Hugs my friend, work your program!!!
This is wonderful news!!!! It is amazing the destruction that an alcoholic can do to our lives with out us even noticing it. Once we "have" to step up and be on our own, we actually see we can. The peace that comes over us.
For 20 years I never slept. Worried when he will get home, if he comes home, will he be drunk and pick a fight, wait for the call from the cops or the hospital. There was always something to worry about him. The first night in my town home I slept like a baby, first night!!! I never felt sleep was possible as we had been together 34 years and never really slept. I really didn't put two and two together as he was the reason I couldn't sleep, I always felt it was having kids and always watching out for them.
I pray that your ab works a program and finds serenity. Don't be disappointed if he fails, as lot of them do. Go over to new to recovery and read the forums of the many women and men trying to seek sobriety. It is the hardest thing to do, but once again it is none of your business.
Hugs my friend, work your program!!!
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Join Date: Dec 2015
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Thanks for the words of encouragement, Maia, and glad to hear from people in the same place as I am, Turtle!
The visit went pretty well. It was just a couple of hours, we ate pizza and watched a movie. It was nice to have her here, but I didn't feel that desperation and aching that I have in the past when it was time to go. I'm the kind of person who has to come around to realizations slowly and in my own time. I think I'm really feeling the detachment, not just in my head anymore. It's a little sad, but freeing at the same time.
This isn't the first time we've been through the rehab and sobriety cycle. When she's able to stay sober for a period of time, our lives are really good. Relationship is stable, kids are happy, focus is on our family, taking care of each other and having fun. We are really good together, there's no abuse, no narcissism, no vicious arguments. We've always prided ourselves on being extremely fair fighters and always respectful of each other even when tempers are heated. We never call each other names, we barely even swear! That is why I keep holding out I think. Because the sober/healthy times are very good and make me question if the bad times are really all that bad.
She is showing some genuine remorse, I feel. But I don't know if I want to risk another relapse and downward spiral. I hope that she has finally hit her rock bottom and learned valuable lessons, but I know that there is no guarantee. In fact, the odds are stacked more against that than anything. So do I give it one last chance, or do I cut my losses and run now while I am in a better headspace for my own self preservation?
Questions I am still struggling with and will continue to ask myself for a while I'm sure. I'm trying really hard to not force a decision on myself and just let things be for a while so I can truly work through where I'm at and what I really want in my life and for my kids.
The visit went pretty well. It was just a couple of hours, we ate pizza and watched a movie. It was nice to have her here, but I didn't feel that desperation and aching that I have in the past when it was time to go. I'm the kind of person who has to come around to realizations slowly and in my own time. I think I'm really feeling the detachment, not just in my head anymore. It's a little sad, but freeing at the same time.
This isn't the first time we've been through the rehab and sobriety cycle. When she's able to stay sober for a period of time, our lives are really good. Relationship is stable, kids are happy, focus is on our family, taking care of each other and having fun. We are really good together, there's no abuse, no narcissism, no vicious arguments. We've always prided ourselves on being extremely fair fighters and always respectful of each other even when tempers are heated. We never call each other names, we barely even swear! That is why I keep holding out I think. Because the sober/healthy times are very good and make me question if the bad times are really all that bad.
She is showing some genuine remorse, I feel. But I don't know if I want to risk another relapse and downward spiral. I hope that she has finally hit her rock bottom and learned valuable lessons, but I know that there is no guarantee. In fact, the odds are stacked more against that than anything. So do I give it one last chance, or do I cut my losses and run now while I am in a better headspace for my own self preservation?
Questions I am still struggling with and will continue to ask myself for a while I'm sure. I'm trying really hard to not force a decision on myself and just let things be for a while so I can truly work through where I'm at and what I really want in my life and for my kids.
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FM, glad it went well. if you know the routine you understand that when she gets out, it is once again all about her. She should be attending meetings. They say that you can tell when they have truly changed and are working a program. Words mean nothing, it is all about actions.
I agree with you, don't make any decisions that you don't have to make now. Things could change by the hour. You can figure out your future by her actions.
Enjoy the peace and quiet, my friend!!!
I agree with you, don't make any decisions that you don't have to make now. Things could change by the hour. You can figure out your future by her actions.
Enjoy the peace and quiet, my friend!!!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
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Heya Findingme et al, congrats on these early successful steps. You all sound like you are doing well where you all. Also sounds like the next "right action" does not involve a decision. This can be kind of difficult. Just keep going to meetings, reading, posting and cleaning your side of the street.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Glad to hear your visit was successful, in the the sense there was no drama. I agree with others that there is no hurry to make decisions. I know I keep telling myself to take each day as it comes. I think if it's time to get out, you will know it in your core. Keep enjoying your serenity for now 😂
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I've been spending a lot of my day today reading here in these forums and Al-Anon literature. Feeling a bit fragile in my emotions today.
After the visit yesterday, AP invited me to come to an open AA speaker meeting that her group was heading to later that evening. I was already planning on dropping the kids at a local event for a couple of hours so I decided to join them. It was a great meeting, an awesome speaker and I'm glad I got to hear him. AP got dressed up for going out and it was kind of like a weird, completely dysfunctional date night. I mean, she showed up in a van from the rehab facility!
When I drove away, I started crying. But it wasn't the desperate, helpless sobs that I have done so much over the past few months, rather just sadness and missing her. I know it would be so easy for me to just roll over like I always do and forgive everything. So easy to believe that she is really convicted and this time is going to be the time that works and the sobriety sticks. It's not really her fault, right? She was diagnosed bi-polar and is getting treatment now, so this time is different from all the rest! Sigh...I want very badly to believe all of that, but I really do feel like I'm coming from a different perspective this time and I can't allow myself to get lost in her like I have in the past. Especially with my kids to think about now too.
I know that I need to enforce the boundaries I have set. I don't think it's a good idea for her to come back home once this program is over in two more weeks. It took me a long time to get on board, but I think living separately is going to be the best thing for us for a while at least. I just felt my emotions caving a bit last night and it has me worried and soul searching today.
Tomorrow night is babysitter night. I have a therapy appointment and I'm going to check out a new Al-Anon meeting after if the weather cooperates. Tonight I'm just praying for strength and guidance toward the right path for my family.
After the visit yesterday, AP invited me to come to an open AA speaker meeting that her group was heading to later that evening. I was already planning on dropping the kids at a local event for a couple of hours so I decided to join them. It was a great meeting, an awesome speaker and I'm glad I got to hear him. AP got dressed up for going out and it was kind of like a weird, completely dysfunctional date night. I mean, she showed up in a van from the rehab facility!
When I drove away, I started crying. But it wasn't the desperate, helpless sobs that I have done so much over the past few months, rather just sadness and missing her. I know it would be so easy for me to just roll over like I always do and forgive everything. So easy to believe that she is really convicted and this time is going to be the time that works and the sobriety sticks. It's not really her fault, right? She was diagnosed bi-polar and is getting treatment now, so this time is different from all the rest! Sigh...I want very badly to believe all of that, but I really do feel like I'm coming from a different perspective this time and I can't allow myself to get lost in her like I have in the past. Especially with my kids to think about now too.
I know that I need to enforce the boundaries I have set. I don't think it's a good idea for her to come back home once this program is over in two more weeks. It took me a long time to get on board, but I think living separately is going to be the best thing for us for a while at least. I just felt my emotions caving a bit last night and it has me worried and soul searching today.
Tomorrow night is babysitter night. I have a therapy appointment and I'm going to check out a new Al-Anon meeting after if the weather cooperates. Tonight I'm just praying for strength and guidance toward the right path for my family.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Fm,
What is different from the last trip to rehab is you are educating yourself. You are entitled to do anything you want. You just need to follow through, don't say something and cave in. If you say you can't come home, give a time frame. Say I need another 30 days and I will evaluate how I am doing after that. ( notice it is how u are doing, not her)
I am glad you are realizing how rough it will be with her back in the house. This way if she is not working a program the crazyness does not enter the home again. Also, she knows if she doesn't stay sober, it is over, because you can't take it any longer.
Always protect yourself and the kids. You still have time to make the decision, you don't need to say anything yet.
Hugs my friend, one day at a time.
What is different from the last trip to rehab is you are educating yourself. You are entitled to do anything you want. You just need to follow through, don't say something and cave in. If you say you can't come home, give a time frame. Say I need another 30 days and I will evaluate how I am doing after that. ( notice it is how u are doing, not her)
I am glad you are realizing how rough it will be with her back in the house. This way if she is not working a program the crazyness does not enter the home again. Also, she knows if she doesn't stay sober, it is over, because you can't take it any longer.
Always protect yourself and the kids. You still have time to make the decision, you don't need to say anything yet.
Hugs my friend, one day at a time.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Mind if I join in this prayer? >>>>>"Tonight I'm just praying for strength and guidance toward the right path for my family."
Please continue to get as clear as you can about what you need and keep working to take care of yourself. From my far-off-internet-perspective it looks like you are doing superbly. God bless you and your family.
Please continue to get as clear as you can about what you need and keep working to take care of yourself. From my far-off-internet-perspective it looks like you are doing superbly. God bless you and your family.
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And then there is the little nugget: It's not really her fault, right? She was diagnosed bi-polar and is getting treatment now,
To a point, yes, its not really her fault. Mental illness is often lurking under the addiction, and without proper diagnosis the chances of remaining sober are MUCH less (if even possible) than someone who isn't mentally ill. Is this time different? It should be. We know without a doubt that self medication through alcohol or other substances is sooooo common amongst the untreated, mentally ill.
Sadly Bi Polar (usually BP 2) can so closely look like clinical depression that its missed. I believe your AP has been in several facilities to get sober, I'm guessing along the way has probably been treated for depression or misdiagnosed with a personality disorder, or another mental illness.
I lived with my husband for a year and half before he was diagnosed with Bi Polar 2. There are no words..........I don't feel I could ever accurately describe what my life was like then, and it makes me cringe and nauseous to think about. Its HELL.
It can take a while to get the meds right. I did see improvement immediately. I would say it was 6 month of steady increases in dosage before he hit the correct level. IMO there is also "un-doing" of behaviors that aren't about bi polar itself; rather, unhealthy behavior coping mechanisms (beside substances) that remained. One of them was blaming the Bi-polar for all the problems. "I'm BP I can't help it". Your AP will need to continue with a psychiatrist with monthly appt's to evaluate and adjust her meds until she levels off. This would be a boundary I wouldn't move on if I were you. It probably wouldn't hurt for her to see a therapist as well. Make sure that the psychiatrist specializes in Bi Polar if possible it will make a difference.
I am happily, deeply in love with my husband and we have a wonderful relationship I see the BP here and there mostly when the time changes in Fall and Spring. He will go through a week or so of mild cycling and sleep disruption. Staying on a strict schedule of sleep, light therapy, exercise, taking the meds at the same time, all help BP.
With all that said, you don't have an obligation to go another round. Its really sad to me how many mentally ill are misdiagnosed or not diagnosed at all - but it doesn't change what you have been through NOR does it change that you just might not feel the same way anymore . I think your idea of her getting her own place for awhile is a good one. Certainly being medicated should really help keep her sober. Its not a guarantee though. Sadly some MI stop taking their meds as well. I think it a good idea to take that 6 months after she leaves the Rehab living separately to see what happens.
To a point, yes, its not really her fault. Mental illness is often lurking under the addiction, and without proper diagnosis the chances of remaining sober are MUCH less (if even possible) than someone who isn't mentally ill. Is this time different? It should be. We know without a doubt that self medication through alcohol or other substances is sooooo common amongst the untreated, mentally ill.
Sadly Bi Polar (usually BP 2) can so closely look like clinical depression that its missed. I believe your AP has been in several facilities to get sober, I'm guessing along the way has probably been treated for depression or misdiagnosed with a personality disorder, or another mental illness.
I lived with my husband for a year and half before he was diagnosed with Bi Polar 2. There are no words..........I don't feel I could ever accurately describe what my life was like then, and it makes me cringe and nauseous to think about. Its HELL.
It can take a while to get the meds right. I did see improvement immediately. I would say it was 6 month of steady increases in dosage before he hit the correct level. IMO there is also "un-doing" of behaviors that aren't about bi polar itself; rather, unhealthy behavior coping mechanisms (beside substances) that remained. One of them was blaming the Bi-polar for all the problems. "I'm BP I can't help it". Your AP will need to continue with a psychiatrist with monthly appt's to evaluate and adjust her meds until she levels off. This would be a boundary I wouldn't move on if I were you. It probably wouldn't hurt for her to see a therapist as well. Make sure that the psychiatrist specializes in Bi Polar if possible it will make a difference.
I am happily, deeply in love with my husband and we have a wonderful relationship I see the BP here and there mostly when the time changes in Fall and Spring. He will go through a week or so of mild cycling and sleep disruption. Staying on a strict schedule of sleep, light therapy, exercise, taking the meds at the same time, all help BP.
With all that said, you don't have an obligation to go another round. Its really sad to me how many mentally ill are misdiagnosed or not diagnosed at all - but it doesn't change what you have been through NOR does it change that you just might not feel the same way anymore . I think your idea of her getting her own place for awhile is a good one. Certainly being medicated should really help keep her sober. Its not a guarantee though. Sadly some MI stop taking their meds as well. I think it a good idea to take that 6 months after she leaves the Rehab living separately to see what happens.
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Wow, thanks so much for sharing your experience, Redatlanta. That was pretty much just a throwaway line in my previous comment, but if I'm honest with myself, I am pinning some hope on treatment for this diagnosis (BP2) being the difference from the past.
You're right, she's been treated for depression and anxiety for years but I feel like the hypomanic episodes have been missed because they've never gone into severe psychotic territory. When someone is depressed all the time, it's easy to see hypomania as just finally feeling normal for once. She has some classic patterns though, of irresponsibility with money, irritability, poor and impulsive choices, the affair stemming from feeling good and wanting to go out and party all the time. It kind of feels like our life has been a series of chasing the "next new thing". Like she's only happy and feeling good when there's a new project to tackle, or problem to solve. When things get settled and mundane is when she gets antsy and anxious and has to search out that next high. Whether that is a new job, new pet, new volunteer group to get involved in, it feels like we can't ever just sit and breathe for any length of time. And of course, no one can continue that level of high all the time, so the forced crash and burn period gets worse and worse. Usually resulting in physical/health problems and then spiraling into addiction.
And co-dependent me has just gone alone for the ride this whole time, trying desperately to keep things in check, handling the finances, insurance, maintaining the steady job with benefits so that we don't crash too hard. But I struggle with depression in my life too, and sometimes working to keep everything afloat is too much for me to handle. We had to file bankruptcy in September stemming from over a two year period of me just not being able to keep on top of things after her last crash. I just can't handle my life being so unmanageable anymore.
If I'm really really honest, I'm also holding a lot of resentment toward her for being able to just fall apart and crash whenever she gets overwhelmed, and I have to be the one there to pick up the pieces and keep things going. I wish I could just check out of my life and not have to worry about my kids or job or anything. I'm slowly learning though, that living my life on my own terms is a choice that I am making, and I can't blame her for the situation I am in now. I have been a willing participant in all of it (house, dogs, kids) and I know I've spent a lot of time resenting her for "trapping" me into a life I can't just run away from. But framing it as being "trapped" is just me playing the co-dependent victim and not taking responsibility for my own choices. And the biggest choice I have right now is that I don't have to pick up her pieces again. The only people I'm actually responsible to are my kids and it was my decision to be their parent.
Ack, that was a whole lot of emotional word vomit right there! I'm at work and all this stuff is just swirling around in my brain so I'm glad I have a place to just throw it all out there and get it out of my head for now!
You're right, she's been treated for depression and anxiety for years but I feel like the hypomanic episodes have been missed because they've never gone into severe psychotic territory. When someone is depressed all the time, it's easy to see hypomania as just finally feeling normal for once. She has some classic patterns though, of irresponsibility with money, irritability, poor and impulsive choices, the affair stemming from feeling good and wanting to go out and party all the time. It kind of feels like our life has been a series of chasing the "next new thing". Like she's only happy and feeling good when there's a new project to tackle, or problem to solve. When things get settled and mundane is when she gets antsy and anxious and has to search out that next high. Whether that is a new job, new pet, new volunteer group to get involved in, it feels like we can't ever just sit and breathe for any length of time. And of course, no one can continue that level of high all the time, so the forced crash and burn period gets worse and worse. Usually resulting in physical/health problems and then spiraling into addiction.
And co-dependent me has just gone alone for the ride this whole time, trying desperately to keep things in check, handling the finances, insurance, maintaining the steady job with benefits so that we don't crash too hard. But I struggle with depression in my life too, and sometimes working to keep everything afloat is too much for me to handle. We had to file bankruptcy in September stemming from over a two year period of me just not being able to keep on top of things after her last crash. I just can't handle my life being so unmanageable anymore.
If I'm really really honest, I'm also holding a lot of resentment toward her for being able to just fall apart and crash whenever she gets overwhelmed, and I have to be the one there to pick up the pieces and keep things going. I wish I could just check out of my life and not have to worry about my kids or job or anything. I'm slowly learning though, that living my life on my own terms is a choice that I am making, and I can't blame her for the situation I am in now. I have been a willing participant in all of it (house, dogs, kids) and I know I've spent a lot of time resenting her for "trapping" me into a life I can't just run away from. But framing it as being "trapped" is just me playing the co-dependent victim and not taking responsibility for my own choices. And the biggest choice I have right now is that I don't have to pick up her pieces again. The only people I'm actually responsible to are my kids and it was my decision to be their parent.
Ack, that was a whole lot of emotional word vomit right there! I'm at work and all this stuff is just swirling around in my brain so I'm glad I have a place to just throw it all out there and get it out of my head for now!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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I remember saying to myself- when do I get to fall apart? For years...the resentments grew because I was always the responsible one. And I'd remind myself it was a choice. But when the alternative is having children with unmet needs or a house with unpaid bills it doesn't FEEL like a choice. Because when we choose a partner--that word alone implies that we're seeking someone to share those things. So that the day I need to fall apart, you're there for me, just like I'm there for you.
I realized it was that expectation of a partnership that caused my pain and resentment about always being the adult. Once it was just me and the kids I didn't seem to mind it anymore, especially after I built up a supporting network of family and friends. Of course I'm going to have a job and pay the bills and take care of the kids...and I don't resent it if I'm not pretending to have a "partner"...
Just sharing because we tend to judge ourselves harshly for "making choices"...and they ARE our choices...but for me, the choice I was angry at wasn't the one about working and taking care of things. It was the partner I chose, but that was either too painful or too off-limits for my brain to consider.
I realized it was that expectation of a partnership that caused my pain and resentment about always being the adult. Once it was just me and the kids I didn't seem to mind it anymore, especially after I built up a supporting network of family and friends. Of course I'm going to have a job and pay the bills and take care of the kids...and I don't resent it if I'm not pretending to have a "partner"...
Just sharing because we tend to judge ourselves harshly for "making choices"...and they ARE our choices...but for me, the choice I was angry at wasn't the one about working and taking care of things. It was the partner I chose, but that was either too painful or too off-limits for my brain to consider.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by Praying 
I realized it was that expectation of a partnership that caused my pain and resentment about always being the adult. Once it was just me and the kids I didn't seem to mind it anymore, especially after I built up a supporting network of family and friends. Of course I'm going to have a job and pay the bills and take care of the kids...and I don't resent it if I'm not pretending to have a "partner"...
Just sharing because we tend to judge ourselves harshly for "making choices"...and they ARE our choices...but for me, the choice I was angry at wasn't the one about working and taking care of things. It was the partner I chose, but that was either too painful or too off-limits for my brain to consider.
Just sharing because we tend to judge ourselves harshly for "making choices"...and they ARE our choices...but for me, the choice I was angry at wasn't the one about working and taking care of things. It was the partner I chose, but that was either too painful or too off-limits for my brain to consider.
When AP is home, I tend to just slack off on housework and let her handle the majority of care for the kids, because "I'm exhausted" or I'm hiding out behind a book or my computer and avoiding things I don't want to do. But when she is gone, I have no problems stepping up and taking care of business. I knocked out an entire basement full of laundry in a weekend!
There's definitely a level of expectation there, since she has put me through so much and I handle all of the finances, scheduling and what have you, she should do the majority of housework and kid stuff. Like I feel she "owes me" for all of the emotional pain and suffering. Ha! And then, of course, she gets stressed and resentful of these unrealistic expectations I have for her and lashes back out into her various illnesses.
Man, we have such dysfunctional roles and expectations of each other. How I wish I could go back and start Al-Anon years ago, before we added kids and even more responsibility to the equation.
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There should be a difference. RAH didn't "look" to me bi=polar I never guessed it. His mania is insomnia and irritability (fun).
Seem you guys have entrenched yourselves in some habits and cycles that aren't healthy. Thing is while I understand the effects of untreated BP, it doesn't change infidelity and spending that end up in bankruptcy. You guys definitely need some healing time and figure out the future without the pressure of any disruptive behaviors between the two of you. I stick by not moving back in together when she gets out.
I get the feeling of wanting to be able to fall apart. I did not get that with RAH - but when trying to handle my very ill parents in another state for 18 month once when my dad was hospitalized I do remember wishing I could lay in a hospital bed with IV meds. LOL.
Seem you guys have entrenched yourselves in some habits and cycles that aren't healthy. Thing is while I understand the effects of untreated BP, it doesn't change infidelity and spending that end up in bankruptcy. You guys definitely need some healing time and figure out the future without the pressure of any disruptive behaviors between the two of you. I stick by not moving back in together when she gets out.
I get the feeling of wanting to be able to fall apart. I did not get that with RAH - but when trying to handle my very ill parents in another state for 18 month once when my dad was hospitalized I do remember wishing I could lay in a hospital bed with IV meds. LOL.
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