What lies ahead? (Should I stay or should I go?)
Alive in the Superunknown
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: 30.47ºN, 98.15ºW
Posts: 1,460
I'd advise leaving the relationship. If you decide to stay, definitely hit up AlAnon, and continue explaining to her how her drinking affects your relationship.
If after that she continues drinking and being abusive, leave her.
If after that she continues drinking and being abusive, leave her.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 220
The same thing happened to me in June with my alcoholic prescription drugged daughter. 24 year old
She drank to much at a family gathering we drove her home when we got home she wanted to go out.I wrestled her to the ground ...she has 6 inches on me.
At that point she bit my wrist so hard I was bruised for weeks and have a faint scar.
That hurt!!!!!
I called police and they took her to the drunk tank where she slept on the floor.
I did not pick her up I did not pay her cab.
Oh she was remorseful and went to church the next day...yadayadayada.....
This has been going on for 10 years!!!!
Nothing changes you CANT SAVE HER AND YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HER...you can not love her enough!!!
Run run run....don't ignore this behaviour it will make you think your the crazy one and now your bad for hitting her...etc etc etc
I
She drank to much at a family gathering we drove her home when we got home she wanted to go out.I wrestled her to the ground ...she has 6 inches on me.
At that point she bit my wrist so hard I was bruised for weeks and have a faint scar.
That hurt!!!!!
I called police and they took her to the drunk tank where she slept on the floor.
I did not pick her up I did not pay her cab.
Oh she was remorseful and went to church the next day...yadayadayada.....
This has been going on for 10 years!!!!
Nothing changes you CANT SAVE HER AND YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HER...you can not love her enough!!!
Run run run....don't ignore this behaviour it will make you think your the crazy one and now your bad for hitting her...etc etc etc
I
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by LifeRecovery 
Ahopeful1-
My experience with a loved one's drinking was similar.
Thought problems for him with his drinking were only occasional (and not every time he drank). I walked on eggshells EACH time he drank because I knew what could happen.
Blackout drinking is not an excuse for her behavior, but my loved one did not believe what I told him had happened.....because he had no recollection of it. Eventually he started to resent my telling him and it became a me vs him thing. I was so worried that my behavior around his drinking became nuts!
What kind of support do you have for you?
My experience with a loved one's drinking was similar.
Thought problems for him with his drinking were only occasional (and not every time he drank). I walked on eggshells EACH time he drank because I knew what could happen.
Blackout drinking is not an excuse for her behavior, but my loved one did not believe what I told him had happened.....because he had no recollection of it. Eventually he started to resent my telling him and it became a me vs him thing. I was so worried that my behavior around his drinking became nuts!
What kind of support do you have for you?
Yes, my thoughts exactly. Perhaps eggshells, I now feel that I cannot let my guard down around her in situations like this because of what could happen to me. It can become quite draining, and has eroded the trust I had in being able to enjoy my time with her.
As for support, I will be meeting with one of her best friends of several years (and husband) to talk about what happened. I may get ostracized for this, but I need to get some answers. If I become no longer a part of her life, I hope someone else can carry on giving the help or support she needs.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 316
Dear Hopeful,
I have no doubt your gf has many wonderful qualities - you probably wouldn't have fallen in love with her otherwise. The Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde aspect of a loved one's drinking : monster in the evening and remorseful sweetie-pie in the morning, coupled with their promises not to do it again, their apologies, maybe the sweet things they do to "make up for it," can pull at your heartstrings, draw you in further, and make it really tough to do the sanest thing you could ever do for yourself and what you would tell anyone else to do in that situation when you're not married and don't have kids, and that is to say, "I love you, but I can't deal with your drinking. I gotta go."
I had these same situations happen with my husband BEFORE we were married. BEFORE. And he promised not to do it anymore and not drink around me and he was pretty good for the most part and didn't drink, even when I had wine around, for about 7 years of our marriage. Then he started drinking a couple of glasses here and there. And again, he did not get crazy drunk all the time, maybe twice a year, usually when he was in withdrawal from pot (see, I know how to pick 'em, don't I?) In the last year I had noticed that he would drink more when I was out of town or if there was a party with a lot of alochol or whatever. Then last December he had a bad day, drank a bottle of wine on an empty stomach along with some cold medicine and a hit off a joint, and what a lovely evening it was for me. NOT. I'm telling you this because even if your GF only does this occasionally, it gets old. It gets very hard to forgive and forget the mean things that they don't remember. It gets embarrassing. It's not fun. As much as I love my husband, and sometimes I think I don't love him so much any more, had I a crystal ball when we were dating, we would not be married. Think of these posts by others as your crystal ball. Your GF isn't "special" in her drinking. She may be a unique person, as we all are, but drinkers are not classified into "mostly good alkies" and "crazy, mean alkies," as I once thought. It's just a matter of time. I wish you well.
I have no doubt your gf has many wonderful qualities - you probably wouldn't have fallen in love with her otherwise. The Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde aspect of a loved one's drinking : monster in the evening and remorseful sweetie-pie in the morning, coupled with their promises not to do it again, their apologies, maybe the sweet things they do to "make up for it," can pull at your heartstrings, draw you in further, and make it really tough to do the sanest thing you could ever do for yourself and what you would tell anyone else to do in that situation when you're not married and don't have kids, and that is to say, "I love you, but I can't deal with your drinking. I gotta go."
I had these same situations happen with my husband BEFORE we were married. BEFORE. And he promised not to do it anymore and not drink around me and he was pretty good for the most part and didn't drink, even when I had wine around, for about 7 years of our marriage. Then he started drinking a couple of glasses here and there. And again, he did not get crazy drunk all the time, maybe twice a year, usually when he was in withdrawal from pot (see, I know how to pick 'em, don't I?) In the last year I had noticed that he would drink more when I was out of town or if there was a party with a lot of alochol or whatever. Then last December he had a bad day, drank a bottle of wine on an empty stomach along with some cold medicine and a hit off a joint, and what a lovely evening it was for me. NOT. I'm telling you this because even if your GF only does this occasionally, it gets old. It gets very hard to forgive and forget the mean things that they don't remember. It gets embarrassing. It's not fun. As much as I love my husband, and sometimes I think I don't love him so much any more, had I a crystal ball when we were dating, we would not be married. Think of these posts by others as your crystal ball. Your GF isn't "special" in her drinking. She may be a unique person, as we all are, but drinkers are not classified into "mostly good alkies" and "crazy, mean alkies," as I once thought. It's just a matter of time. I wish you well.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I would suggest educating yourself on alcoholism. The "sticky" threads at the top of this forum contain so much good information.
I try hard not to advise someone to stay or leave in a situation. God knows I learned everything the hard way in my life, and I understand the struggles of living with an active alcoholic. I also understand from the alcoholic's point of view as I am clean/sober 25+ years now.
You've landed in the right place!
I try hard not to advise someone to stay or leave in a situation. God knows I learned everything the hard way in my life, and I understand the struggles of living with an active alcoholic. I also understand from the alcoholic's point of view as I am clean/sober 25+ years now.
You've landed in the right place!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Originally Posted by ahopeful1
For the several months I’ve known her....
Am I to take from this that you've only known her a few months?
In the first several months of a relationship the "negative column" should only have a few entries. Mostly consisting of taking too long to get dresses, or not putting the toilet seat down. Not blackout driving and wrist biting. This is suppose to be the "honeymoon" phase of your relationship. You've already jumped to the "total jackass" phase.
Probably best to chuck it in.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it's not your JOB to make sure there is someone else lined up to take care of HER< now is when you start taking care of YOU. seriously, we all collectively as a group have to get better at NOT allowing others to mistreat us and then try and figure out why they did so. WE stop the abuse.......by getting the hell out of the way, and never looking back.
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