And just like that...it's over.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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And just like that...it's over.
So the papers came in the mail yesterday, my divorce from AH was finalized on 1/8.
We had an amazing, fun beautiful wedding that people still talk about til this day. We had a fabulous relationship in the 5 years before we got married. He made me happier then I have ever been in my life for the first five years...and then...alcoholism reared it's ugly head and destroyed our life, destroyed my life.
The struggles, the hospitalizations, the catastrophic injuries, the physical fights, the anxiety, the anger, the bitterness became totally intolerable and unbearable.
After all the pomp and circumstance of our wedding, after all the joy and laughter and love, and then the 180 degree opposite of that, and then boom a one page piece of paper comes in the mail and it's over, at least the legal to the state part of it is over. Seems completely anticlimactic, and I'm really not sure how I feel, guess the best words I can use to describe how I feel are numb and cheated.
And if one more person suggests to me a Divorce Party I'm going to end up in jail, this is not how I wanted any of this to go. This is nothing to be celebrated. WTF is wrong with people! I'm broken, I'm not happy, and I'm in no damn mood to party.
We had an amazing, fun beautiful wedding that people still talk about til this day. We had a fabulous relationship in the 5 years before we got married. He made me happier then I have ever been in my life for the first five years...and then...alcoholism reared it's ugly head and destroyed our life, destroyed my life.
The struggles, the hospitalizations, the catastrophic injuries, the physical fights, the anxiety, the anger, the bitterness became totally intolerable and unbearable.
After all the pomp and circumstance of our wedding, after all the joy and laughter and love, and then the 180 degree opposite of that, and then boom a one page piece of paper comes in the mail and it's over, at least the legal to the state part of it is over. Seems completely anticlimactic, and I'm really not sure how I feel, guess the best words I can use to describe how I feel are numb and cheated.
And if one more person suggests to me a Divorce Party I'm going to end up in jail, this is not how I wanted any of this to go. This is nothing to be celebrated. WTF is wrong with people! I'm broken, I'm not happy, and I'm in no damn mood to party.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 316
Big hug. Go ahead and permit yourself to grieve the end of something that started out so beautifully. It's like you lost your husband - only instead of an accident, it was a long, horrible, tortuous death by alcohol. I'm sorry for the loss of your dream, the loss of the husband you did have for a while, and your heartache. I wish you comfort and healing in the days to come.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 254
Huge hugs. Wish I could meet you for coffee. Ugh. It's so hard... but I'm holding tight to the fact that it will get better... one way or the other!! And I think divorce parties are absolutely ridiculous. Let's have cancer diagnosis parties too... ughhhh
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
So sorry!!!! I feel your pain. As much as I am happy I'm no longer married to my hubby I am still nursing a broken heart-hugely-and loss of dreams, loss of so much with him. It will get better-I promise that. And yes, I think sometimes well intentioned people don't realize how hurtful they can be while trying to be supportive. 
I had a friend suggest I burn all the photos of my ex-are you kidding?! He was my husband for years and years and we have teo kids together-and some damn good memories. Why would I burn them and have a party? Yes, I divorced him for damn good reasons and don't regret it one bit-but that doesn't mean at all it was what I wanted to do or how I wished my marriage would go!!! Come on people!
Sending you hugs and peace and praying Gods healing grace wrap you up. Peace to you!
I had a friend suggest I burn all the photos of my ex-are you kidding?! He was my husband for years and years and we have teo kids together-and some damn good memories. Why would I burn them and have a party? Yes, I divorced him for damn good reasons and don't regret it one bit-but that doesn't mean at all it was what I wanted to do or how I wished my marriage would go!!! Come on people! Sending you hugs and peace and praying Gods healing grace wrap you up. Peace to you!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Sending hugs. Do not expect people to understand. Please do not. I had people ask me right after divorce if I am going to go back to him "when he stops drinking."
I bet orange is not your color.
Take a deep breath and take it easy. It takes time to process everything. But eventually, you will feel relief. I promise.
I bet orange is not your color.
Take a deep breath and take it easy. It takes time to process everything. But eventually, you will feel relief. I promise.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I understand that feeling of "so that's it?" Our divorce was uncontested, no kids, no debt--I filed all the papers myself w/an attorney who worked "consult only" w/me. We showed up in front of the judge (in the same courthouse we were married in 19 years earlier) and 15 minutes later, we left w/the separation in place. When that was converted to a divorce in late June, once again, I went to the courthouse, filed one paper, and 3 days later, the final decree came in the mail. It doesn't seem that your life should be able to change so much w/so little outward sign, does it?
And I'm with you on the divorce party. Thank god I only had one person suggest that to me. I sent her the most withering look I could muster and told her very bluntly that, to me, the end of a 19-year marriage was not something I was celebrating. She shut up and didn't mention it again.
((((hugs)))) Like healthy said, it takes time to process it all, and time takes time. But you're gonna be OK.
And I'm with you on the divorce party. Thank god I only had one person suggest that to me. I sent her the most withering look I could muster and told her very bluntly that, to me, the end of a 19-year marriage was not something I was celebrating. She shut up and didn't mention it again.
((((hugs)))) Like healthy said, it takes time to process it all, and time takes time. But you're gonna be OK.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
JLo one thing I have noticed about life is in times of severe trauma or stress, in the aftermath it almost feel like someone hit the "pause" button on life while it was going on. Then when its over the "play" button resumes, and all of a sudden there is a realization that outside our stress bubble life was moving forward while we were standing still. Its a very odd feeling.
I'm sure your friends mean no harm. They have been on the outside peering in. They can only relate in the manner one might do while watching a movie. I'm sure they think you should be jumping up and down because its "over". Divorce is a death. I'm sorry for your pain and wish for you healing soon.
As a funny side note.....About 1 0 years ago I had a co-worker/friend that was married to a god-awful jerk a very short time. He showed up at work a lot so we all had to deal with him. When she divorced him she requested we throw her a divorce party. We never did anything at that place that wasn't a 10, and it was a party that will go down in history (and cost us several thousand). At the end of the night we were all standing outside waiting for cabs and rides, and yes everyone was pretty smashed. All of a sudden the Ex drives up, she runs out and gets in the car with him and waves goodbye. We all stood there with our mouths on the floor.
Needless to say I don't throw them anymore nor would I ever attend another.
I'm sure your friends mean no harm. They have been on the outside peering in. They can only relate in the manner one might do while watching a movie. I'm sure they think you should be jumping up and down because its "over". Divorce is a death. I'm sorry for your pain and wish for you healing soon.
As a funny side note.....About 1 0 years ago I had a co-worker/friend that was married to a god-awful jerk a very short time. He showed up at work a lot so we all had to deal with him. When she divorced him she requested we throw her a divorce party. We never did anything at that place that wasn't a 10, and it was a party that will go down in history (and cost us several thousand). At the end of the night we were all standing outside waiting for cabs and rides, and yes everyone was pretty smashed. All of a sudden the Ex drives up, she runs out and gets in the car with him and waves goodbye. We all stood there with our mouths on the floor.
Needless to say I don't throw them anymore nor would I ever attend another.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
And they say that marriage is just a piece of paper, right?!?!? I laugh to myself every time someone says that line.
Divorce SUCKS.. I'm sorry, it's the only word that I can find that puts it into perspective.
Hang in there... Once you catch your balance it will be a relief. We've been there...
Take care of you now... Big hug! Oh and didn't you know? Orange is the new black!!
Xo Ro
Divorce SUCKS.. I'm sorry, it's the only word that I can find that puts it into perspective.
Hang in there... Once you catch your balance it will be a relief. We've been there...
Take care of you now... Big hug! Oh and didn't you know? Orange is the new black!!
Xo Ro
Last edited by Lilro; 01-14-2016 at 06:05 AM. Reason: Spelling
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 73
LOL I think I could pull off the orange outfit, and three hots and a cot with free medical and dental don't sound like completely outrageous concepts right now I think the only major problem I'd have in lockup is having to wear used underwear 
I appreciate being able to come here and get the understanding of those that have been there. I know my friends were just waiting in the wings for me to be divorced, but for me it's definitely not a happy occasion. Although (redatlanta) I would be more then happy to participate in a party that costs several thousand dollars, let's not call it a divorce party, let's call it "I've been stuck in this crazy alcoholics life for too long party."
There are still lots of loose ends as the AXH is still down in Texas in rehab and he doesn't know that the divorce is final, and all of his stuff is still in my house, and his car is in my driveway, so it's not a nice little neat package, it's just a piece of paper. But a piece of paper that has changed who I am.
I think the only major problem I'd have in lockup is having to wear used underwear I appreciate being able to come here and get the understanding of those that have been there. I know my friends were just waiting in the wings for me to be divorced, but for me it's definitely not a happy occasion. Although (redatlanta) I would be more then happy to participate in a party that costs several thousand dollars, let's not call it a divorce party, let's call it "I've been stuck in this crazy alcoholics life for too long party."
There are still lots of loose ends as the AXH is still down in Texas in rehab and he doesn't know that the divorce is final, and all of his stuff is still in my house, and his car is in my driveway, so it's not a nice little neat package, it's just a piece of paper. But a piece of paper that has changed who I am.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
I know how you feel. It was all very surreal to me as well the day it was finalized. I'm a year post-divorce and I feel like I'm just starting to get my groove back. It's tough, divorce sucks, alcoholism sucks, starting over sucks. None of us signed up for this when we said I do. None of us could have predicted how this would all turn out. Only time will make things easier. Allow yourself to mourn the end of your marriage and all you hoped and dreamed it would be. You will get through it and we are here for you. Hugs. You are now free to have the life you deserve, free from alcoholism, hospitalizations, drama, stress, worry and sadness.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
wow, I feel so similarly to you... mine was final yesterday, for the 3rd time since he kept appealing it... this time it's final final..
and only ONE of my good friends understands why even after all the hell he pulled and is still pulling, why it is that this is sad.
my life is in shambles, our kids are damaged, he's a mess (doesn't see it as such of course) and divorce is not a win for anyone... i am sad... sad at all the loss.
and i think that in the midst of the chaos of trying to get this to end i did not stop to feel or think about any of this and now it's all overwhelming me...
so big hugs to you my friend and know that there are many of us i suspect who completely empathize and can relate.
and only ONE of my good friends understands why even after all the hell he pulled and is still pulling, why it is that this is sad.
my life is in shambles, our kids are damaged, he's a mess (doesn't see it as such of course) and divorce is not a win for anyone... i am sad... sad at all the loss.
and i think that in the midst of the chaos of trying to get this to end i did not stop to feel or think about any of this and now it's all overwhelming me...
so big hugs to you my friend and know that there are many of us i suspect who completely empathize and can relate.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy 
and i think that in the midst of the chaos of trying to get this to end i did not stop to feel or think about any of this and now it's all overwhelming me...
My therapist said that with all the chaos that's been going on for years, while I've maintained my composure in front of the whole world while things were exploding inside and at home, perhaps exactly what I need is to sit on my couch and process all the muck. In essence she gave me "permission" to not do anything. We've been doing for so long, absorbed by alcoholism, that we don't have to now. We get to do what we want, and what I want, is to sit on my couch with my dog
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,733
Wow you've said what I've been wanting to say for a while now. Why shouldn't we be alone, and do nothing for a bit.
I'm starting to feel like I must get up and do soon, though. I've been spending whole days in bed except for working for three weeks. Since Christmas.
I'm starting to feel like I must get up and do soon, though. I've been spending whole days in bed except for working for three weeks. Since Christmas.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I had a friend send me a case of wine, a huge decorated glass, and candy the day mine was final. First I was sort of offended b/c his drinking contributed to the end of our marriage, and has causes so much hurt. I drink maybe two drinks a year, if even. So, I chalked it up that she meant well, donated the wine to a friend at church having a big anniversary party, gave the candy to my kids, and kept moving forward.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 45
I'm two and half years passed when my divorce finalized. I'm still processing all the garbage that happened in the last five years when alcoholism took over my life. However, I'm just now seeing the light of joy in my life. It took a while and it's different for everyone on how long it takes. I still have days where I don't want to get out of bed and face the world. I was ready to punch anyone that would say "forget about him and move on already."
It will get better. Do things for you. Listen to what you want or need.
Friends and family mean well. The truth is that they have watched us suffer from the alcoholism for so long and lose ourselves to it that they think once the alcoholic is no longer attached to us by marriage, it should be celebrated. However, unless they have been there, they cannot possibly understand the pain of losing someone we loved and cherished to addiction.
Big hug!
It will get better. Do things for you. Listen to what you want or need.
Friends and family mean well. The truth is that they have watched us suffer from the alcoholism for so long and lose ourselves to it that they think once the alcoholic is no longer attached to us by marriage, it should be celebrated. However, unless they have been there, they cannot possibly understand the pain of losing someone we loved and cherished to addiction.
Big hug!
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