Turtle76

So, I've been lurking here for a couple weeks and thought I would introduce myself. I just dropped my abf off for rehab. I feel fortunate, as a I have read some other posts here. We do not have children, financial problems, or any physical abuse. Mostly alot of anger and resentment.

I am not sure really where to begin. I know I must have some codepency issues, or else I wouldn't have been living with an active alcoholic for the last six years. I have been reading "codependent no more" and relate to some, but not all of it. I guess im just looking for where to begin in my healing.

I know I should be addressing these issues, especially since I say ..."i need to work on myself", but what I am really thinking is "i want to work on myself so I can help him". We would like to make it work, if possible. I'm hopeful, but trying to remain present and realistic. All advice is welcome.

SeriousKarma

Hi Turtle, Welcome to the Forum.

I think it's wonderful that you are so open to working on yourself. Regardless of whether it's "for him" or "for you", you're going to benefit.

Have you tried any Alanon meetings? Therapy? Anything like that?

How long is he in Rehab?

dandylion

Turtle.....I imagine that you are thinking along these lines: "I need to work on myself so that I can help him.....because, I am the most powerful motivator for him....and, I need to save him because that is the only way I can save the relationship....because, my happiness depends on this relationship....without it I will be lost and alone....forever....."

Of course, I don't know either of you...so I am just spitballing....and, going on MY own experience and observations......lol.....

Do remember this.....he will have lots of people to help him and be concerned about his welfare...he will have AA and all the members there 24/7....as well as his sponsor and counselor every step of the way....he has you and his family and friends who will wish him well....
All he has to do is to utilize the help that will be waiting for him.....should he want his sobriety bad enough.....

Often, the loved one is left feeling "out in the cold" after the rehab experience. They can really feel slobberknockered in the early recovery period. Frequently they have prayed for sobriety and assumed that when the alcoholic puts down the bottle....that all the "good stuff" will be coming their way again.....
Especially, that the alcoholic will be sorry for all the pain that they caused and that they will make up for it....
They may not fully realize that rehab just points the direction to go in...and that the real heavy work..the inside work...remains to be done....

I have noticed that the ones on this forum who seem to be able to keep their nose above water are the ones who reach out to others for help.....
they report, over and over, that alanon and individual, personal therapy support are what "saved their lives"......

damdylion

cynical one

Whatever recovery path you decide to utilize, whether it be therapy, your church and/or self-help groups. I can't encourage you enough to seek out face to face support. Forums like SR, chat rooms, or even online meetings are a great supplement, but for many it's the face to face connection and support that really helps.

Turtle76

I am not sure what to do with myself between all the tears (of sadness, fear, gratitude, you name it). currently I am cleaning my matress and washhing all the brand spanking new bedding I bought in my attempt to rid my bedroom of the smell of alcohol sweat. I want to literally wake up to a fresh start tomorrow.

I would like to try alanon, but the only meeting in my area I can attend is a "steps" meeting. Is that a hood place to start? I eill aldo definitely checkout the book you mention, anonwife. I am VERY interested in the rationsl recovery process, or a melding of the two.

Thanks so much for the reminder about how much help he is getting. I need to hear that cuz I breakdown everytime I think about how scared he must be. He Will be in rehab for 30 to 90 days and I am definitely frightened by what comes after. What if he decides I am no longer good for his sobriety? And I keep reading about how selfish thay need to be after, which its hard for me to believe, given how selfish these last years have been. While my head understands this, I am afraid my heart wont.

Liveitwell

Welcome!! Just wanted to send another endorsement for individual therapy and self help books (codependent no more, etc)-both are tremendous investments in yourself. What will happen when he comes home? Who knows! Try not to future trip-or focus on what may or may not happen-as we can only control ourselves and our actions. Focus on you, your needs and actions, and take it day by day-his best and only chance to find himself again is to not drink-so it sounds like he's in the right place.

I don't have experience with a spouse actually going to rehab and sobering up and dealing with that but I am sure others will chime in with some wisdom! Peace to you

AnonWife

You can blend ideas, take bits and pieces if they apply to your situation and views.

The book I mentioned was recommended by Self Help Addiction Recovery | SMART Recovery® check out their family forums if you like. I tried both their in pwrson and online meetings. Because I hate to take time away from my daughter, the online meetings I think are my preference.

His rehab will probably offer support for you. Some will only point you to outside groups like those mentioned here. Some will have weekly support groups for you based on their own concepts. Some will include sessions with you ans him while others wont. Some have a weekend or a day devoted to family. Lots of differences. But you could call and check.

As you can see Ive been researching treatment centers in advance. Learning a lot in the process.

Love your cleaning and buying new for you. The alcohol smell provokes memories you dont need. Hopefully a fresh start for you.

Selfish also doesnt mean, or should not be used as an excuse for losing family life. People still need to care for their kids, work, and pay attwntion to their relationships. But think of recovery from even a physical injury, it requires an adjustment and limits on what you can do. Addiction recovery requires challenging physical and mental changes. Behavioral changes. Those take time ans energy and will require focus. If he does an outpatient or uses a support group this wil take up time. But make sure the end goal for you.both is clear and cented around heath and family.

DesertEyes

Hello Turtle, and pleased to "meet" you.

Yes it is. Alanon meetings have a "topic", such as steps, but they all welcome newcomers and will provide you with newcomer material, recomendations for books and generally give you an introduction to the program. They will also suggest that you "shop around" for other meetings and support so that you can find what works best for you.

There are other programs besides al-anon. There is one called "CODA" (Co-dependents anonymous) and a lot of the larger churches have their own program called "Celebrate Recovery".

Regardless of what you choose for support in real life you are always welcomed here on SR.

Mike

Bekindalways

Welcome Turtle! It sounds like you have been through some tough times. I hope you find lots of support hear.

It sounds like you are doing some really constructive things to start your own healing/recovery. In some ways, we codependents need to figure out how to be constructively selfish. Besides meetings and therapy, you may want to examine your own interests and start developing them.

Best of luck to you.

AnonWife

Turtle,

I know you already viewed my first reply to you. I see it was removed, not sure why. The book I mentioned was Beyond Addiction and its for families.

Turtle76

Thanks again everyone for your suggestions. Feeling much better today after a great nights sleep. Also feeling very grateful for a forum like this and my friends who were so generous with their time last night to just listen to me vent.