Opinions wanted...
 

After my xNPD/AH petitioned to RE-OPEN our divorce, was granted a hearing and then failed to show, the court still made me file a request for default judgement and wait until a new hearing date could be set on that...

That hearing is scheduled for next week.

The default was granted BUT the hearing is required to finalize it.

My dillema is this: xNPD/AH knows he is screwed at the hearing and has signed, notarized and delivered to me via certified mail, a settlement he would like ME to agree to and not hold the hearing.

The settlement is way better for me (it's what I originally wanted in terms of crystal clear boundaries about his parenting, notification required when skipping his parenting and financial nonsense) than the default judgement will be.

So, why am I hesitating?

It seems irrational for me to hesitate.

But as far as I've fleshed out in my mind here's why I am pausing:
a. I want him to face the consequence of a judge lashing out at him for jerking us all around when we go to court
b. I do NOT want to show him a willingness to cooperate bc I am angry and fed up with his game playing (but this is dumb because by cooperating I make out better)

Reasons I ought to take the settlement and cancel the hearing:
a. I make out better in EVERY way
b. I make it look like Im willing cooperate with him and we settle this together so it makes him look like the moron he is when he runs back to the court complaining about it since HE proposed it...

Despite these good reasons to agree, there is a vindication desire on my part to be in court and have him held accountable...

So... please tell me Im letting my resentments and justifiable frustration cloud my judgement...

I am sure that I am ... Yet I cant make myself sign this agreement-- at least not yet...

Does any of this make sense? I feel like Im being so irrational in my reaction to this and just needed to bounce all this off you all...

I can certainly understand the feeling of wanting to win, because I struggle with that myself. Whatever you decide to do, think about this: you cannot know for sure what the judge will do. Nothing is certain with a hearing. However, the settlement terms are certain. You'll have control of the outcome with a settlement, but not with the hearing. Just my two cents.

Thank you... I've told myself this too-- but with one caveat. The default was granted, so the former decree will be upheld. And by having the hearing I will "win"-- there will be a public record of his game playing having a consequence (the default).

So in this case I actually do know what the judge would do-- and the settlement the crazed X offered is better...

So I guess I am having to choose whether to take a better settlement and let him get away without consequences AGAIN or have the hearing and have a less great settlement...

Really this is mostly about my ego and I know Im being foolish to be letting my emotions dictate my decision...

Thus, why Im on the fence....

Oh boy do I understand that desire to see him catch hell for his long history of jack@$$ery. BUT, I also know that seeing him "get what he deserves" is always less satisfying in real life than my imagination makes it out to be. I think that you and the girls making out better and having that security is the really important thing here. That and the total, absolute relief you'll feel when this is all finally over.

Maybe try focusing on what's best for you, rather than focusing on what's bad for him. Think of it this way: you'll be getting what you want. In the end, who cares if he's happy or miserable? All that matters is that you are happy and at peace.

I know that ego situation well. It's natural for us to feel like this after being lied to and manipulated. I have fought the urge to "win" more than once (usually with the help of this forum). Through each struggle, I have found that peacefulness is much more rewarding.

The girls are safe and virtually never with him and I do not care one bit about the money he is offering...

I guess I do not know which option is best for me right now...

If it is on record with the court that a default was entered after a hearing he pretty much loses ALL right to justify dragging me back again (as he's done the last year in court just to be vindicitve..)

On the other hand, if I accept his settlement, does that continue to afford him the right to drag me to court when he decides he does not want to follow the orders...

I simply want what will give me the best chance at having him LEAVE me alone for good...

And sadly, I do not know which that is...

There is an equal likelihood that if we go to court he'll be angry and feel he needs to retaliate and make life hell OR if we don't he'll have his NPD entitlement fueled and possibly make my life hell bc of that too...

It is just never ending with him

Your reasons for hesitating are emotional and rooted in resentment (which is totally understandable). Your reasons for signing are rooted in facts and logic (which, while not particularly satisfying, typically provide longer term stability and security).

His behavior is unpredictable and not under your control -- if he is bound and determined to make your life hell he will find a way whether you sign right now or not. I say, take what you can get in writing now and work on letting go of those resentments for your own well being and peace of mind.

You've been through more with this man than most of us can even imagine, so I know how difficult it can be to let your brain rule when your heart so wants some level of justice for all of it. Sending you many hugs and lots of strength.

This is a definite eye opener for me in terms of how much work I have to do on my resentments...

Ive never been the vindictive type but facing the opportunity to give that opportunity for it, up, Im finding it hard.

There is a big part of my self esteem that believes all the blame and insults and name calling he's showered me with forever... He still does it-- and my emotional brain is telling me that a court hearing in which he is slammed for his crap, will prove to the community and all those who believe his lies, what the truth is after all...

Oh one key piece to this settlement is that I am agreeing to this being filed under a no fault basis vs. the divorce being granted on the grounds of his alcoholism (which is a fault basis in my state)...

I consulted with a lawyer who told me that makes little long term difference, but again, emotionally, it matters to me bc that IS the basis for this divorce...

Here's the thing: even if you go through with the hearing, there is no guarantee you will get the emotionally satisfying outcome you imagine.

Personally I have found, with resentments, even when I get the "fantasy outcome", it's not enough. And that's because I haven't done the work on me of letting go.

Seems to me you HAVE won if you sign the agreement. So what if you have a hearing and the Judge tongue lashed him - would he care anymore than the tongue lashings he received from you when you were married?? Nope.

He could make out better at the hearing......you could lose what you have gained. Sign it and be done with him.

How to "win" with an NPD...

Be your own person, choose health and happiness, let go of any thought of him whatsoever.

The only way you win is to break free from caring about him at all...hard as heck, I've done it...

You win when you make your own peace.

Regardless of what route you take, he will always feel justified in jerking you around or taking you back to court over frivolous things, especially if he thinks he'll get to you. No action you take can dream of preventing that.

You win by not engaging. By always letting your rational brain react and decide. By signing these papers without an emotional reaction. By removing him and any thoughts of his actions and reactions from your consciousness (where possible).

He has wronged you (and may continue to try to do so) in ways he will never repent for or repay. You'll never truly have that punishment or apology or closure, unless he's one of the extremely rare few who undergoes extensive therapy years down the road and manages true change. It's debatable if that's even truly possible.

You win by choosing you and your kids.
And believe it or not, he knows that.
Stinks, I know.
Justice is him having to live with himself and avoid the mirror every day while you smile at yourself in your mirror and head out to a new sunny day.
You're already winning. :)

Yup, you're human. You also obviously strive to be aware of your motivations, which is an admirable trait. Seems that the easiest way is to take yourself out of the equation and choose the path that most benefits your children. In the future, you will be glad you did--for them and for you.

So your lawyer advises you to sign?

I would trust the expert "third party" who isn't emotionally invested
but who has your best interests to make the call.

i'd have a hard time TRUSTING any offers from him, regardless of how GOOD and TASTY it might appear. but then again, i'd have a hard time trusting the court who allowed the divorce to be re-opened..........

and i'd want to be DONE with him. as once and for all, finally as i could get. does the settlement include shipping him off to MARS by any chance??? it just sounds "fishy" to me in someway...first he goes thru the trouble and expense of re-opening the divorce, then fails to appear, and NOW is offering you the sun and the moon to avoid going back to court......it's like Lucy promising THIS time she'll hold the ball for Charlie Brown.....

I was going to respond without reading the other replies, but I'm glad I didn't. I was going to ask if you had run this past your attorney and what he said. It appears you have done that and your attorney advises you to sign, so my vote is for you to sign. Forget trying to "get even" or see him "face consequences;" just do whatever it takes to get your divorce finalized and move on with your life.

If this is the settlement you have wanted all along, sign the settlement.

Time to take the money and run, do not look back.

The powers that be will even the score, they always do, Karma doesn't have a time limit.

Time for WTBH to get back to living a healthy, peaceful life. Holding on to all the negative, is only holding YOU back.

Not saying he doesn't deserve what he has coming, but you truly deserve some good in your life, and IMHO the only way that will happen, is if you let go, hold your head high, smile, and go forward in life.

I would not play russian roulette with him anymore, who's to say when/ if he gets to court he doesn't change his mind?

The is a line I learned in AA, "Would you rather be right or happy"

This is precisely my thinking too... It's all so sketchy...

The motion to reopen it (which was not granted-- just a hearing to hear the argument) was filed by his lawyer last spring. His lawyer then withdrew over some other issue...

xAH skipped the hearing to hear his reason to re open so looked like an ass.

Now this hearing is to basically slap his wrist I guess and make the default final.

So I think he may be narcissistic enough to not want to have a public hearing where he is yelled at and that is why he just sent me back my own very old proposal, signed and notorized...

Or he may be screwing with me... Your instincts in questioning his motives are my thoughts too...

UGH!!!!

Someone asked... not sure who, what it is the lawyer advised...

Lawyers advice was that it makes no difference if I sign or go to court-- there is risk with both....

Default hearing means it's done for good (this is the 3rd time it will have been "final") the day of the hearing... but the judge could always change things in the decree if he whines about fairness (unlikely since he was defaulted)

Settlement means he has 90 days (again) to petition to not have it finalized (he's done that 2 x in a row now).

So I have some skepticism about the legitimacy of his wanting to settle...

I say use your intuition, with a N, you will never be able to predict crazy. It sounds like either way you choose, will be the right choice. You deserve an applause for fighting for what is right. Congratulations to you.