sauerkraut

Hi,
Does anyone have advice/recommendations for sobriety testing for child custody?

Backstory: I left my husband two months ago, after 20 years together and 5 years of trying to get him to stop drinking. We have three children (9, 13, 15), and we split custody, with the agreement that the custodial parent doesn't drink.

Friday while picking up stuff for the kids I snooped and found an almost empty gin bottle and two half-empty bottles of whiskey in the liquor cabinet. Then I looked up and realized that he had installed a spy cam--yep, he caught me on tape.

He went ballistic, accusing me of lying, deceit, etc. although technically the house and liquor cabinet belong to both of us.

I calmly said that I understand it doesn't feel good to be spied on; the children and I had discussed that fact when we noticed his camera. Then I said I'm sure he'll agree that sobriety testing will be a much better way of ensuring sobriety of the custodial parent.

He's furious, but I'm ignoring.

Does anyone have recommendations for a sobriety testing system and service, for the purpose of child custody? We meet with a mediator later this week and I'd like to have a proposal to make.

And . . . am I deluding myself to hope that I can negotiate this with an active alcoholic? That's the way it feels, yet if he doesn't agree to something in mediation, I'm not sure what I could accomplish in court. It will be my word (and journals) against his, as he doesn't have any DUIs or other legal evidence of his drinking.

Advice?

LexieCat

I'm not sure he doesn't have the right to record video in common areas of his house. Audio might be a different story.

How do you know he wasn't drinking at times when he didn't have the kids? What do they say about his condition when they are there?

Refiner

Yes, the service is called Soberlink for remote testing. Here is their website:

https://www.soberlink.com/

ladyscribbler

I have Soberlink testing as a part of my child custody decree. My ex has the option of doing a substance abuse evaluation and following all the recommendations, or he can do Soberlink monitoring during his visits. My journals and recollections were enough to convince the judge of his alcohol issue, though he did have 3 arrests due to drinking. I also offered to pay for half the cost of the Soberlink monitoring if he chooses that option. I wanted it to be clear that I wasn't doing this as a tactic to keep my ex from our son (as he tried to claim) but out of real safety concerns.
That's what worked for me anyway. My ex absolutely refused to consider ANY restrictions offered in mediation and pretty much forced us to take it to trial. He lost that gamble, big time. The judge ordered way more restrictive conditions than anything we offered during mediation.

Refiner

Wait... wasn't this the same guy who AuntieWife said was CURED of his alcoholism???

Liveitwell

I second Soberlink. My ex was ordered to use it but just does whatever he wants to-thumbs his nose at all court orders-and doesn't test-thanking God it's in our decree bc my ex is a pathological liar and has failed so many sobriety tests he hasn't had visitation with his kids in almost a year. All I had was my word and journals, too-but the judge and mediator and everyone else involved believed the truth and not his lies. Don't lose faith in your truth!!

Friend, the answer to your question is YES. Trying to negotiate with an active alcoholic is fruitless-he's not going to agree. You do whatever you need to take care of your kids-and keep remembering that the way to know if an alcoholic is lying is if he opens his mouth. Peace to you PM me if you wasn't specifics on soberlink.

ladyscribbler

Well, first she said he quit completely because she didn't allow alcohol in the house (because that's all it takes you know, it was my fault for not putting my foot down *eyeroll*). Then 3 months later they said he had magically learned to moderate his drinking and he only has 1 or 2 beers once a month.
They will literally say and do anything to defend their right to continue drinking, however much they might claim to want to see the kids. That was my experience anyway. Just be ready sauerkraut. Come here for support whenever you need a break from the craziness. We'll be here, whatever you need.

wanttobehealthy

In my parenting plan, (of course this is after many years of court and xAH being fired due to his drinking) I have a step by step process of what happens when there is ANY suspicion he's been drinking.

He takes a personal breathalyzer device that I own and one that he owns. If he is not 0.000 sober he does not see the kids. After 3 failed breathalyzers (not consecutive) we go to court and he loses the right to drive and have overnights with the kids.

It is iron clad. He hates it. I was able to get this (I wrote it, the judge approved it) by keeping copious records of incidents like those you describe (empty bottles during parenting time, reports from others - in writing- of his reeking of alcohol while with the kids-- including driving) and his firing for being at work drunk helped me too in the court system.

My xAH ultimately signed and agreed to this too because I pointed out that someone who DID NOT have a drinking problem would not balk at having to show they were sober before driving their kids.

He signed and agreed to it, then tried to move to dismiss it in court and the judge reitterated my point.

Someone without a drinking problem won't argue with having to be sober when they're with their kids. I'd repeat that over and over to your xAH. It's a good point I think.

Liveitwell

^ agreed-all good valid points and things to remember. You've gotten great advice, SK! Let us know if you need any more information or support.

pookielou

I have an agreement with my XAH that allows me to breath test him with an over the counter breathalyzer before and after custody visits. If he doesn't like the result, he can request a test at the police station. We mediated that agreement basically on the premise that someone without a drinking problem wouldn't have a problem proving sobriety.

I didn't have evidence of a drinking problem, no DUI's, job issues, etc. Keep record of what you can though. If the drinking is an issue, it can't be hidden forever with consistent visitation and testing. My XAH hasn't seen my daughter but once in six months because he cannot blow zeros.

Stay positive. Good luck!!

sauerkraut

Thanks, everyone. I appreciate the support and suggestions.

Yes, Lexie, I figured he may have the right to a survelliance camera in our house. It's creepy, but I I didn't assume it is illegal. Seems like an odd decision for someone who claims not to have a drinking problem.

In our initial meeting with the mediator, I brought up my desire to have a sobriety testing mechanism in our agreement, and the mediator pointed out to my husband that it would be good for all involved. Husband can show he's not drinking, I can feel confident that the children are okay, and, most importantly, our children will be safe. All good. Husband was not happy, but when we get to that discussion, I think the mediator will help persuade him.

Our children say that everything is okay when they're with daddy. I try not to question too closely, as I don't want to make them anxious and/or turn them into police/spies. But I have had the conversation about never getting into a car with someone who has been drinking, and to immediately text me anytime they feel uncomfortable. (I even told my oldest to text 911, too, if her dad should ever insist on driving when she doesn't feel safe. She's seen enough and heard enough to know what was going on in our house, unfortunately.

Thank you for the options to research.

And yes, maybe we end up in court anyway, where I might win full custody or not. I want to at least try this option first.

I really appreciate the support.

sauerkraut

SoberLink looks great! Husband is all about technology, so I think he'll be intrigued (if annoyed) by it. Thanks again.