ad0117

I thought I was doing so much better, but lately I've had these moments where I miss my ex so badly and my heart breaks all over again. As much as he's hurt me, I still wish things could be the way they were. But, that's not going to happen - he's in Florida about to marry someone else.

Maybe it's the recent holidays that have me feeling this way or possibly my upcoming birthday. I'm turning 35 in a week and have never felt older or more alone. I want to get married and have a family of my own and I'm starting to think it's too late for me. I was counting on a future with my ex and I sometimes can't help but feel like he took that from me. He left and I'm alone and he gets to live his fake, happy life in Florida while I'm struggling.

I'm trying to meet new people and date, but it's so hard. I spent New Year's with a guy I'd been out with a few times, but we just don't have a connection like I had with my ex. I'm afraid I'll never find that again. I feel like I'm going to be missing him and loving him forever. Will it ever go away? Is it ever going to be easier? Am I ever going to be able to hear songs that remind me of him without crying?

Thomas45

Yes, yes, and yes. But you need to give yourself the time to have these feelings move through you as they come and go. The holidays definitely make a difference! With Christmas, New Year's, and Valentine's day in such close proximity, winter has always been considered a time of togetherness and family, and it is only natural that a relatively fresh separation will affect you more at this time of year.

In my own experience, I wasn't ready to even start talking to women in a social setting until about 10 months after my separation. Healing takes time, and the best thing you can do during that time is engage in healthy activities that you enjoy and regain your feelings of self worth by loving yourself.

Bekindalways

Arrrgh Ad0117! It is so darn painful to go through what you are at the moment. Grieving is just tough and also very, very necessary to moving on.

What Thomas said is so true. Please give yourself time! You are so worth it.

53500

I'm afraid I'll never find that again.

You will find better than that. Much better.

I feel like I'm going to be missing him and loving him forever. Will it ever go away?

Yes it will.

Is it ever going to be easier?

It'll be so much easier, it won't take any effort at all.

Am I ever going to be able to hear songs that remind me of him without crying?

Absolutely!

Ad, I'm not trying to minimize your pain. I'm sorry you're hurting. When you get rejected it hurts like hell even if your head can say all the right things, your heart still hurts.

Many here on this forum have been through it and come out on the other side much, much happier and healthier, me included. My "soulmate" rejected me for multiple other women a few times. My heart shattered repeatedly. This was almost 20 years ago. For the past 16 years or so I've been with someone who is so much better it's like night and day.

I am indescribably thankful to not be with ex-soulmate. My life would be hell. We are still in touch, every now and then, so I know what he's like.

I read some of your other posts. Your ex sounds very unstable (like my ex), treated you badly (like my ex) and one of these days I guarantee the pain will be gone and you'll be grateful you're not with him.

ad0117

Thanks everyone! I think one of the hardest things in this situation is that we never had a real end to our relationship- no closure. He just faded away and then decided to move on without an explanation. That hurts more than anything. I know he still has feelings for me, but he can't face what he did. It's much easier for him to run away. He's completely removed me from his life - blocked me on Facebook and unfriended almost everyone that has anything to do with me. It's almost like he thinks it's my fault, but I know better. He just can't handle it. I should be so angry with him for the hurt he's caused me, so it might sound strange that I still love and miss him. He was my best friend and we shared everything together. It's hard not having that anymore. I never thought he would be the one leaving...what a surprise to me and everyone who knew us as a couple.

Thomas45

When the alcoholic is the one to end the relationship, it is a blessing in disguise. It hurts because you were willing to put up with even more chaos and pain to get those rare moments of self-validation. Even though it's not his intention, he gave you the chance to return to normality and a life free of all the crap that comes with alcohol abuse. One day you will thank him for leaving.

A lot of your sentences are talking from the perspective of what he is feeling and what he is capable of. Have you been to any al anon sessions recently? It might be helpful to get some face to face time with people who know exactly what you're going through.

Hawkeye13

you will heal and find a true partner who can meet you needs for real

be careful jumping in the dating pool too quick--you may attract another damaged
partner if you don't address the issues which allowed you to accept unacceptable behavior,
Not to mention being too quick to settle with the bio clock ticking

It will take some time to get it right--you are worth it so please work on healing first--the partner will be there when you are ready

ad0117

Thank you, Thomas. Yes, I was definitely wanting to work through it and I didn't give up on him. It definitely hurts like crazy when someone gives up on you who you only tried to help. I'm sure you all know that feeling.

I know you are right - one day I will thank him for giving up, but right now I still have all these memories going through my head and it's so difficult to get past that.

I wish I had the ability to see what my life would have been like if we were still together. Maybe then it would be easier for me because I'd see how NOT perfect it would be. And I do deserve much better. I'm sure one day his new girl will discover he's not her Prince Charming after all. That's what happens when you meet someone on tinder and let him move in with you a month later and then move to Florida together 5 months later, right? I have to laugh at that sometimes because I'm really not the one who is losing in this situation. It's hard to accept it, but I have to keep telling myself that.

dandylion

ad0117.....it takes time to process through the grieving process......time.....time....

In terms of grieving.....it hasn't been that long.....

dandy lion

JLOBYXMAS

I was drawn to your post because of the title, as I am in the same position right now. I was extremely angry and bitter for a few weeks, and now I'm into remembering all the love and laughter that we shared. i just have to keep reminding myself that honestly that is just my mind playing tricks on me, and perhaps my addiction to the co-dependency rearing it's ugly head. We had moments that were truly amazing, but they have now been overshadowed by the depths and despair that his alcoholism drug us down into. Remember?
I've found the easiest way to get through the missing him is to remember the crap.
He called the other day to ask if I'm dating yet, I'm so burned and damaged that I don't care if I ever date again, yet alone two months after we split.
Take your time, learn the lessons that life is trying to teach you, remember the misery, and then once you have worked through all that, maybe then you will find the right one for you, and even if you don't, there are worse things in life then being single.
And as for his new relationship...wow, good luck to that chick, a leopard doesn't change his spots that quickly.

Liveitwell

Sorry you are hurting, friend. I've been there!! (See my threads!). It's definitely not a linear thing-healing takes time and for me has been a back and forth, up and down thing. I still remember the good-but I also have the bad, awful abusive times always in my mind to remind me of why I left. I've come to realize that it's ok to accept the good times really were that good-the love was real-my feelings were absolutely true and real-and that it slowly died bc his demons killed what good was there.
You will heal-you will. And you will love again. And you will thrive.

Praying

I filed for divorce from my X while he was living with his girlfriend and refusing to come home--I didn't "leave him"...I was forced because our kids were crying and we were stuck 1,000 miles from home...so I filed and took them home. He married her six days after I left town (our divorce was pretty fast since he was hiding things and I didn't care- less than two months start to finish).

That's just background for this--

I don't know how many months after I was "home" it happened, but I had a dream where I saw both of them. It was the oddest thing because she had such a sad look in her eyes, and after I took one look at her...we then exchanged a knowing look. He was saying something in the dream while my eyes met hers, and she just looked so trapped...

It was just a dream. But I think my subconscious did it on purpose. They're still married three years later--and at times I think--SERIOUSLY?!? But then I remember what I was willing to live with for so long...and how NOT GOOD it was...and I'm grateful that it's not me...

And as screwy as it sounds, I was glad she'd be around if my kids went there, because I trusted her more than him (ick). After a while my biggest fear was that they'd split and he'd turn his attention back on me and the kids.

Hmm. Maybe I should be sending anniversary gifts.

Staying together says nothing about happiness.

nowinsituation

Yes, I am missing my X today too. It came on out of nowhere.... I have been feeling so happy.

I also worry that I will never find someone who I can talk to about all the little things. Someone I can share my day with. Today was such a stressful day at work; and I miss having someone I can reach out to for a quick note or a joke or a smile.

PuzzledHeart

My ex-fiance dumped me one month before the wedding. Today, I would get on my hands and knees and thank him for giving me the opportunity to discover a much better life with my now husband, if I didn't hate my ex's guts so much.

Reading your story reminded me of another. Take the time to read THIS AND the SEQUEL. The sequel, well, it just broke my heart.

NYCDoglvr

The holidays certainly trigger nostalgic memories (many of people I don't want to know) in me. I promise you this will pass!

ad0117

Exactly!! I hate to say it, but she must not be too bright. She knows he just got out of rehab when they met, but it didn't stop her from rushing their relationship. She has no idea what's in store for her. I guess maybe I should feel sorry for her because one day she'll be feeling what I feel right now.

Thank you for your advice.

ad0117

I know those feelings too well! There are times when I still want to pick up my phone to call him when something funny happens or I have a bad day. He was always the first one I thought of to tell about everything. It's so hard not having that person anymore.

ad0117

Wow! What a powerful dream! I definitely believe in dreams and think if I dreamt something like that, I'd feel better. I still dream of my ex often, but the dreams always make me miss him more. They are mostly about him being his old self again with me.

Thank you for sharing your story!

nowinsituation

Wow, read through both of those. So powerful. The same pattern as my X, showering me with attention at the beginning of the relationship; declaring his love early on (before he really could have known me well at all), then suddenly deciding years later that he didn't like my personality at all..... and was showering all his attention and affection on others.

Right now I am remember the love and attention phase, and not the cold, distant, rejection phase....

healthyagain

Hello ad0117,
I can totally relate. Holidays do make things worse though. And I just turned 36 last week and just have the same questions in my head. I miss having a husband, I miss the good days. We both have birthdays in January, so the holiday season has always been additionally special for my ex and me.

But all I can say is that I am focusing on myself now. I am alone, but I do not miss having a guy around. I feel like I am not ready, and I do not trust men and their "intentions." And there are so many things that fulfill me. I am rediscovering myself after 10 years. I started painting again and find pleasure in simple things. Life is good at the moment. That's what matters most. And about the babies, well you never know. We both still have time. I just know that pushing for having a relationship got me into this mess. Now I am just taking it easy, enjoying my days and every ray of light. And it is not that bad at all.