The disappearances
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 61
The disappearances
When they disappear for 24-48 hours for their 'drinking fun'. Are they more focused on the intake of their alcohol or the social scene?
What are the chances of them committing adultery?
Just thinking back here to how naive I have been and how I always thought he just wanted to get on it and now I think he was probably bonking anything that would have him....
Feeling sad about how dumb I was when with him.
What are the chances of them committing adultery?
Just thinking back here to how naive I have been and how I always thought he just wanted to get on it and now I think he was probably bonking anything that would have him....
Feeling sad about how dumb I was when with him.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
"Dumb" or "nieve"?
Personally, I had never really known anyone who lied on the same level as my XAH. And I was equally ignorant about addiction.
I was just so happy to see him alive, after his mystery binges, that he could have told me he had been taken hostage by leprechauns, and forced to train unicorns, and I would have believed him. In fact, that would have made more sense than the reality of addiction. Addiction, at the very heart of it, doesn't make sense.
There's really no reason to beat yourself up over the trusting of someone you love, and who is suppose to love you back. We need to trust each other. We couldn't survive without it.
He's the broken person for betraying that trust. It's on him, not you.
As to what they're more focused on, the drinking or the social scene? I would suspect everyone is different, and I certainly don't think one could put a number on the chances of them committing adultery. Unless, of course, you're comparing it to them being at home, tucked safely in bed, stone cold sober.
Personally, I had never really known anyone who lied on the same level as my XAH. And I was equally ignorant about addiction.
I was just so happy to see him alive, after his mystery binges, that he could have told me he had been taken hostage by leprechauns, and forced to train unicorns, and I would have believed him. In fact, that would have made more sense than the reality of addiction. Addiction, at the very heart of it, doesn't make sense.
There's really no reason to beat yourself up over the trusting of someone you love, and who is suppose to love you back. We need to trust each other. We couldn't survive without it.
He's the broken person for betraying that trust. It's on him, not you.
As to what they're more focused on, the drinking or the social scene? I would suspect everyone is different, and I certainly don't think one could put a number on the chances of them committing adultery. Unless, of course, you're comparing it to them being at home, tucked safely in bed, stone cold sober.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I hope you're not blaming yourself for your naivety. A normal person in a healthy relationship has to trust their partner to a certain extent and the fact that he may have betrayed you is his burden to bear.
As to whether he just drank or committed adultery, well you know him best. I will say that drunk men are rarely capable of performing.
As to whether he just drank or committed adultery, well you know him best. I will say that drunk men are rarely capable of performing.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yeah, I don't think there's necessarily a connection between "disappearing acts" during binges and infidelity. Certainly anything is possible, but it depends on the individual. I know a lot of alcoholics who disappeared every so often just so they could carry on with the binge without immediate consequences.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
In my case of my Ex. The disappearing meant drinking and sexual binging. She didn't want to drink alone. So finding a drinking partner was a lot easier when you offer up sex to go along with it.
I don't know if they were separate addictions, but for her drinking and sex traveled in the same circles. I later learned that the sex continued to happen, even though she was no longer drinking.
I doubt she ever stopped drinking, she just went to greater lengths to hide it from me.
But her story was she wasn't drinking. I just was an assho** so she had to cheat on me.
I don't know if they were separate addictions, but for her drinking and sex traveled in the same circles. I later learned that the sex continued to happen, even though she was no longer drinking.
I doubt she ever stopped drinking, she just went to greater lengths to hide it from me.
But her story was she wasn't drinking. I just was an assho** so she had to cheat on me.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
((((Ladywind))))
Just echoing what was said above.... You are NOT dumb, and this is on him!!!
But I've felt the same way... I knew about my AH's infidelities as they happened (though I wouldn't be surprised if there were some I didn't know about too), but I felt extremely "dumb" when I kept accepting his apologies and his promises that this time would be the "last time".
For me, I think I was in denial... I was already dealing with so much with the alcoholism, abuse, etc... I was not ready to face the realities of the infidelities, and kept needing to believe that he was really sorry and that he was done.
When mine would disappear for that long... he was with those other women , or he was in jail.
One of the women he would go to when he just "couldn't handle me neglecting him anymore"... by paying too much attention to the kids and not to him, not listening to his drunk rants over and over, etc. (Pooooor AH... what choice did I leave him but to turn to someone more attentive? Gag me)
And the other he would go to when he ran out of booze and money, because he knew she would supply him with alcohol, and whatever else ... when he was in his deepest days of alcoholism.
But even when he wasn't drinking, he had inappropriate relationships with women... not necessarily sexual, but he just really had / has no boundaries, unrelated to alcohol.
Just echoing what was said above.... You are NOT dumb, and this is on him!!!
But I've felt the same way... I knew about my AH's infidelities as they happened (though I wouldn't be surprised if there were some I didn't know about too), but I felt extremely "dumb" when I kept accepting his apologies and his promises that this time would be the "last time".
For me, I think I was in denial... I was already dealing with so much with the alcoholism, abuse, etc... I was not ready to face the realities of the infidelities, and kept needing to believe that he was really sorry and that he was done.
When mine would disappear for that long... he was with those other women , or he was in jail.
One of the women he would go to when he just "couldn't handle me neglecting him anymore"... by paying too much attention to the kids and not to him, not listening to his drunk rants over and over, etc. (Pooooor AH... what choice did I leave him but to turn to someone more attentive? Gag me)
And the other he would go to when he ran out of booze and money, because he knew she would supply him with alcohol, and whatever else ... when he was in his deepest days of alcoholism.
But even when he wasn't drinking, he had inappropriate relationships with women... not necessarily sexual, but he just really had / has no boundaries, unrelated to alcohol.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
LW,
Dont beat yourself up over crxp your husband does, because it can always get worse. My AXH finally found "white water canoeing" that he had an excuse to leave me every weekend, 4 pm on Friday to midnight on Sunday. I always felt it was the alcohol and partying that controlled him. But of course in time, you find a women who is married, loves to canoe and go away, perfect storm.
But does it really matter? There is no trust so you can create these images in your brain of many or none. It is a terrible way to live never trusting your addict. I am sorry for what you are going through, been there done that.
Keep educating yourself about addiction and helping "you". Hit an alanon meeting or open AA meeting. Keep reading Sober Recovery. One day you will be strong enough to execute the decisions that you need to make in your life.
Hugs my friend!!
Dont beat yourself up over crxp your husband does, because it can always get worse. My AXH finally found "white water canoeing" that he had an excuse to leave me every weekend, 4 pm on Friday to midnight on Sunday. I always felt it was the alcohol and partying that controlled him. But of course in time, you find a women who is married, loves to canoe and go away, perfect storm.
But does it really matter? There is no trust so you can create these images in your brain of many or none. It is a terrible way to live never trusting your addict. I am sorry for what you are going through, been there done that.
Keep educating yourself about addiction and helping "you". Hit an alanon meeting or open AA meeting. Keep reading Sober Recovery. One day you will be strong enough to execute the decisions that you need to make in your life.
Hugs my friend!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 61
Oh, I left ages ago. I have just been thinking I really need to get myself checked for std's. God knows what he may have gave me.... yuk.
Happily in the process of divorce. I guess when I think back I just feel ill that I was so vulnerable and naive.
It still hurts that people like him walk the earth and carry on hurting others.
Happily in the process of divorce. I guess when I think back I just feel ill that I was so vulnerable and naive.
It still hurts that people like him walk the earth and carry on hurting others.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,977
Ladywind, thanks for stopping him hurting at least one woman, yourself! Also thanks for taking care of yourself in every possible way you can. I see self-care as one of the fundamental ways we make this world a better place.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Lw,
Do you know how many times of my 34 year career with my axh that I shoulda, woulda, coulda. You can not beat yourself up about it.
I believe the time I left was the time God had me leave. It was not on my schedule it was his. So like in alanon, give over your control to a "higher power". It was his "plan", u had no control. Once you accept that maybe you won't get down on yourself. This all happens for a reason.
Yes first thing is to get checked out and make sure u r ok. Then move forward In your divorce. There are very happy days ahead, my friend, just be patient. He will get his just do... just be patient.
Do you know how many times of my 34 year career with my axh that I shoulda, woulda, coulda. You can not beat yourself up about it.
I believe the time I left was the time God had me leave. It was not on my schedule it was his. So like in alanon, give over your control to a "higher power". It was his "plan", u had no control. Once you accept that maybe you won't get down on yourself. This all happens for a reason.
Yes first thing is to get checked out and make sure u r ok. Then move forward In your divorce. There are very happy days ahead, my friend, just be patient. He will get his just do... just be patient.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,251
Yes there could be an affair but after having a neighbor or two that was alcoholic or addict I know on weekends especially they wouldn't leave their apartment for those days and if they did poke their head out the door or look through a window they looked high including a glazed stare and slow head wobble.
I think "partying" together could very easily lead to something else. And you would not be the first to experience that. Catch them red handed let them know they've been caught but don't dwell or argue. Many will try to get away with something until caught or noticed.
I think "partying" together could very easily lead to something else. And you would not be the first to experience that. Catch them red handed let them know they've been caught but don't dwell or argue. Many will try to get away with something until caught or noticed.
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