What are "boundaries"?
 

I will admit I'm new here and have much to learn. I'm also quite new to the role of being a wife of an alcoholic. I've done a fair amount of reading on these forums and elsewhere, but know there's always more. I see it over and over again: you can't change your alcoholic loved one. All you can do is know your limits and set boundaries.

I have yet to come across concrete examples of boundaries. Is it something like: if x happens than I will remove my self from the situation? If things are the same by x, I'm leaving?

Are they things we communicate to the alcoholic spouse or are they more like personal guidelines?

I know all situations are a bit different, but could you share some examples that you have implemented?

Here is one that I think (?) might make sense. But I'm not sure if it's reasonable.

"I am your wife and deserve respect and shouldn't be lied to. When you hide bottles and your drinking, that is dishonesty. In these situations I will remove myself from the area, and if continued without actively seeking change, I will need some time and will leave." (By leave I mean take a break from the relationship. We live abroad and I would fly home to the U.S. and stay with family until ___ (things are better?)

I gather that the result shouldn't be that it's a manipulation tactic. But I also don't see (and haven't seen) any change if nothing is at stake. I'm not quite to the point of leaving him, I have a lot of hope. But it I can't change him, and I know that this life is not healthy or sustainable to me... ?

Hi,

This article is one I find really helpful in reminding myself about boundaries (an other stuff). You might find it useful... Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

I tried setting boundaries for years that I just couldn't keep-and then slowly I learned how to-in order to protect myself and my kids. One was "I will not sleep with you / in the same bed-if you're drunk" so that pretty much meant we did not sleep together. Another one was "I will call the police on you if you are ever drunk and abusive" and my final one was "I will not live with an alcoholic as it's not healthy for me or my children". I sucked at boundaries at first and he walked all over them-and I was too afraid to actually follow through. Slowly I got it. My peace and more importantly my children's peace is most important so we are divirced. My boundary did in fact hold-I'm no longer living with an alcoholic and he is still an alcoholic. Take care and I'm sure others will be along to chime in.

Welcome, btw!! You'll find a lot if support and strength and wisdom here!

Think about your limits, about what you can put up with, and what is going too far. You certainly don't have to tell him, because it's futile anyway, but your actions will speak for you.
Does he come home and leave a mess everywhere? You won't clean up after him.
Does he ask you phone work when he has a hangover? Nope.
Want money from you for buying alcohol? No, again.
Is he spoiling your night's rest - different bed.
Get argumentative? Walk away.

You don't have to tell, just do.

Some good starter boundaries are that you won't enable him by transporting, paying, lying etc

Be careful of boundaries you're not committed to, or aren't practical. Think about how you'll follow up and what the consequences will be.

Thank you for the link Beccybean! That article was so helpful!

I appreciate all the examples and suggestions from all who have responded. I went straight to paper to start some notes and assess how I'm feeling.

Part of me still feels like some of the boundaries would be important to communicate. But I do see that it's not always necessary.

I think you're on the right track--boundaries are for you, not him. It isn't a "training" technique (reward/punishment) for him, it's something to protect you. Boundaries will only take you so far. They don't really do anything to fix the situation but they can provide you with some protection in the meantime.

The "I won't be lied to" thing is tricky, and may not be a realistic boundary. I've never met an alcoholic who didn't lie about drinking--hiding bottles, hiding purchases, sneaking drinks, making excuses to leave the house to drink, etc. It's part and parcel of alcoholism, and it's fair to say that if the alcoholic is drinking, s/he is lying about it--the when, where, how much, etc.

So I think that as long as the alcoholic is drinking, you pretty much have to accept the lying as part of that. Of course, you can leave altogether at some point if you decided living with alcoholism is something you no longer want to deal with. My impression, though, is you're not ready to leave.

I get how frustrating the lying about drinking is, especially when it's so transparently obvious that they've been drinking, or when it looks like they've been making an effort to not drink and you discover they've actually been drinking all along. I totally understand. But making a boundary around lying about drinking isn't realistic because it WILL happen, and happen repeatedly, and I don't know how you would "remove yourself" from a lie.

Think about boundaries in terms of how they can protect you in day-to-day situations. Think about what bothers YOU, and what, specifically, YOU can do to make it less upsetting/harmful to YOU.

Hi Myangelleo

Welcome to SR. You have already received some great advice here so I have nothing to add. Just wanted to offer you a welcome. Stick around, you will learn plenty.
Good luck in setting your boundaries... We are here for you!
Ro

myangelleo.....I once read.....to imagine yourself in a room with a door that has a handle on the INSIDE, that opens and closes the door...but no handle on the outside.
The "door" is your boundary. No one can get in from the outside unless you permit it....
You control the door (from the inside).....and it is entirely up to you what you will allow in and what you will keep out. The door is to protect you from what you will not allow....ever....by anyone or anything.....

That helped my understanding......

dandylion

Boundaries are limits you draw for yourself. What you can tolerate, live with.

You cant change other people - true
However, you can influence other people and especially those that love you, respect you and are in a relationship with you.

I found help with boundaries at Smart Recovery which is not a 12 step group. They say yes you can communicate your boundaries and it may be hepful to both you and your partner.

Especially I think its important for our partner to know you are feeling disreapected, or uncomfortable.

Id be careful making any declarations of action unless your sure your ready.

Influence is very important and Im learning now more about how we can use it in non manipulative ways to help my husband evaluate his current issues with substances, which may lead to his altering behavior or asking for help if he finds he cant.

Id suggest you look up the many different approaches family can use, and definetly go to smart and view the family stuff.

MA,
Good question!! I agree with everything everyone said above. The only thing that I would have to add to it, is if you set a boundary, YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW THROUGH, with the boundary and consequences. Don't threaten if you can't follow through, he has heard it before.

Examples:
I will no longer pick you up at the bar in the middle of the night.
I will no longer call him sick into work or give him money.
This is not a list to tell him your rules, these are the things you are choosing to no longer do for him. Over time, and situation, you can slowly share with him how you will not participate in "this" action any longer, and always follow through. No big long explanation, just that I will not be doing that today.

These examples are for you....
If he is drunk and picks a fight, "I will no longer engage with him when he is drunk." You can leave the room, house or state, and come back when he is sober. (this does not need to be discussed or shared with him, you just leave, this is your boundary)

I choose not to be in the car while he drives drunk , you take another car so you are not "stuck" in that situation. You eliminate this from happening, and change the way you have done things int he past.

These are things that bother you, and that you do not want to tolerate anymore. So how are you going to change your actions, not to let this happen again.

Hugs my friend, keep asking questions, you will learn a ton on this forum.

Welcome Myangeleo, and thanks for starting a great thread. I hadn't thought much about communicating boundaries or not.

Here is a boundary I set and communicated with my family, I have been spearheading taking care of my elderly parents. They are in a facility but I take them to doc appointments, groceries, bank etc. My mom has alzheimers/dementia. Her doctor did a great job trying different meds and sent her to a neurologist. None of it made any apparent difference. The second time the doctor suggested Mom see a neurologist, I decided to stop the efforts to treat the Alzheimer's. I communicated my decision to my siblings and let them know if any of them wanted to spearhead more efforts, I would support them but I couldn't see any point in continuing myself. Doctor and siblings both agreed with my decision but I honestly would have supported a sibling who wanted treatment as I thought that maybe someone would have to do it as part of the grieving process as we lost our amazing mother.

I liked Lexiecats point that you can't really enforce him not lying. I suppose you could communicate a preference to him that he drink openly around you. Just a thought.

Boundaries are the invisible forcefield that protect my sanity and my serenity. I had a few, like "I won't drive you around if you've been drinking." For the situation I was in, those baby boundaries were like a band aid on an amputated leg. They were never going to achieve anything except to make me a target for his escalating abuse. The only boundary that was truly effective for me was "I will not live in a home with active alcoholism/addiction." Once I enforced that one (by moving 750 miles away from Crazytown, USA) my life improved dramatically.

^ yep. I tried the baby boundaries too and ended with the same result-more abuse. The only boundary that gave me and my family peace was not living with alcoholism one more day. That one did work.