"puke" update
 

With my family members. He denied everything. Said he rented hotel room to drink and then decided against it. I don't buy it (what's the point of drinking in a hotel). So I left. He sent an email saying he didn't do anything wrong and he wishes I didn't run away with every "personal crisis" and everyone he's ever trusted has hurt him so I'm just the same. Tell me this is quacking. Not responding, btw.

Yes, it is quacking. Deny, deny and then deny some more. You've already caught him cheating in the past, correct?

You have to go with your instinct HH, and it does seem incredibly like quacking. The story sounds devised to make him seem like a self-denying hero; that's a red flag right there.
You expected him to deny it, didn't you?

Hang in there lady! May you have a peaceful evening and a good nights sleep.

Nobody rents a hotel room for the purpose of drinking by themself. He can literally do that anywhere away from the house and still prevent you from knowing.

Well, he's been having an affair with alcohol all this time, anyway. At this point, does it really make a difference? He's not someone you can trust. He's let you and your son down, over and over.

Envision this. You are drowning, going down for the last time. You have the opportunity to cut loose of a great weight that is pulling you down. Would you cut it loose to save yourself? To live so you can parent your child and give him a shot at a happy childhood?

What Lexie said-exactly. Who cares the reason?! He's a liar-and it's been an ongoing affair with booze or women-who cares what or who it is. He cabt be trusted. Of course he's going to lie and deny-he can paint himself as the perpetual victim of life instead of opening his eyes to see HIS actions caused this. Typical alki BS and quacking. It's not like you expected him to admit it? My ex did the same-deny all of it. It's pretty typical of an addict but that doesn't make it better or easier to swallow or remotely ok. YOU and your kiddo deserve someone you can count on and trust-this person -as he is now-is just so not that man.

HH......very typical.....lie and then deflect blame onto someone else.
It was so predictable......

I know that this is a very difficult tim e for you to navigate.....but, you are doing so well.....
Don't start doubting yourself.
You are a a major crossroad in your life.....and you and y our son will benefit from the fact that you are doing the best thing for all concerned......

dandylion

Keep in mind that this isn't just about for what purpose he booked a hotel room behind your back. That was just the straw that broke the camel's back. The hotel room was just the last blow after years of cheating, lying, emotional abuse, irresponsible behavior...you know the story! You re-read your past posts! His giving you a hard time for running off is very manipulative--he's trying to play on your insecurities, make you feel foolish.

Btw friend, my then husband pulled the same manipulative projecting crap-trying to blame me for planning the demise of our marriage when all he wabted to do was be my husband. Boohoo. Yeah buddy, why don't you take a look at what you did and what you've done-instead of playing the victim card. Woe is me. It's what these guys do! Par for the course for an alcoholic. Stick to what you know-the truth. Don't let him twist the truth to suit his delusions-that's what he's trying to do. You're on the right path for freedom and peace for you and your kiddo.

Actually, I do know one person who did just that. It was a planned relapse after an extended period of sobriety. She did drink, then called someone from AA who drove over to help her. She then got sober again and worked the steps for a more sustainable recovery - I know this because I heard it in her share.


I do think it's unlikely in this case though.

Your husband was on Ashley Madison. I'd find it hard to believe if he said he was going to the store to buy a piece of gum.

Hotel for a drink.....nah. Quack.

Sounds like denial and lies to me
especially given his past history

When I wanted to drink away from home,
it was with other people, not shut up in a hotel room.

I think you are right to trust what you know
based on his past practices and your gut feeling.
Not to mention the solid evidence of the hotel room receipt. . .

EXACTLY. I kicked out the last ex (not an alcoholic and not a cheater but a pathological liar who told all kinds of grandiose stories to make himself look more impressive than he is) when I found out he had lied to me for FIVE YEARS about his AGE--he'd always claimed to be two years younger than I but he was actually five years OLDER (I found out by running a background check and then looking at his DL he had just had to obtain his birth certificate to renew). If that was the ONLY thing he had lied about I would have found it silly and a bit pathetic, but it was the icing on the cake--I didn't think I could trust anything he had ever told me about himself.

It's not about a one-time incident. At some point everyone reaches their limit, and that one incident represents everything that has gone before. The damage is cumulative. It's your privilege to say ENOUGH at any point. I certainly think you have WAY more than enough reason to say ENOUGH.

Good Morning Texas,

I tend to agree with many of the ladies above.

A liar is a liar is a liar. Does it really matter what his pathetic excuse is? I have also read through your previous posts. God bless you for putting up with his nonsense for as long as you have BUT aren't you tired of his continued lack of truth yet? I'm going to put it to you this way.. HE DOESNT HAVE ANY RESPECT FOR YOU. Feels good, right? The father of your child has NO RESPECT for you. Hell, he obviously has no respect for himself either. Is this what you want for another second of your life? Is this the kind of man you think you deserve? Is this the kind of man you think your child should look up to?
He's a liar. Period.
Do what you have to do for you now. It sounds like you've got a supportive family system in place to help you along with whatever your decision will be. Just know that there is more to life than waiting around for the NEXT shoe to drop.
We are with you Texas.... Be well.
Ro

I am going to bastardize a Sherlock Holmes thing here, but the gist is, instead of twisting facts to suit your theory, you have to build a theory that fits all the facts.

In other words, stop trying to find ways to make your husband not as bad a partner as all the evidence over the years has shown you that he is. I know the fantasy that he will he reform and turn into the man you want him to be is a powerful one, but it IS a fantasy, and this latest instance of lying and hiding things and then trying to make you the bad guy in it is just an another example in a long line of a examples -- a line that will only be as long as YOU decide to stick around for.

Focus on you and your son and you can't go wrong. Continue to do what you have always done, and you will continue to get what you have always gotten.

Sending you strength, patience and resolve.

My STBXAH did hat kind of gas lighting all the time. I was not only to blame it because I walked away when I did not want to have ugly confrontations with him but I was disrespecting him and so it was my fault that our marriage was failing.

I think that you are right to ignore his quacking. In my mind, there is virtually no chance that the hotel reservation was for anything like what he said it was for. And, as many people have said above, his past behaviors are plenty of reasons for you to want to move on with your life.

Try to relax and decompress this weekend as much as you can. You have certainly earned it.

Not Necessarily a Quack.
 

Although it is quite common for some folks to reserve a hotel (usually a motel) room strictly for drinking/using, I've got to go along with what Beccybean said in her post (#11).............: "I do think it's unlikely in this case though."

(o:

So no contact x 24 hours. I'm sure he's doing God knows what tonight. But Monday is a work day. I can of course stay with family but my attorney, church, CR group and cats are all 3 hours west. The thought of filing is terrifying but the thought of moving, less so. Any chance he will maintain the house payments? I can't personally cover it all (2 households) on my 1 salary. But we can on both salaries. House needs carpet, blinds, some paint before listing if it goes that way. Head still spinning but trying to focus on the next small step.

How do I navigate the limbo??

HH, return home if economics dictates that's what you have to do. Any chance of him moving out? You could try asking him, but would he take the house payments with him?
It might not be good for your serenity, but you could try for a formal separation while living in the same house. This would allow you to save the money you need to sell the house and divorce. Be very careful, and make sure you have a proper written agreement though because once you 2 are separated he's not likely to invest in the relationship in any way.
Take legal advice as soon as you can, then map yourself out a pathway.