jolinie

I had suspected for awhile that my step-daughter was using. Yesterday her best friend and grandmother and I cornered her and she confessed. She is 19 and trying to live on her own. I begged her to come home and we would help her. She said no! She says she has to do it on her own. Today she is supposed to come over to the house, I told her father that she isn't leaving even if I have to dismantle her car. Am I doing the right thing, or will this drive her away further. Help! I don't want to make it worse.

Lang79

Thats a tough question, all I can say is the only way I found recovery was on my own. Just be there to listen. She may not be done getting high yet, and thats why she don't want to come home. When she totally surrenders you'll know. (you knew she was getting high) Do you believe she wants help? If so just listen and suggest.
I'm a 25 yr old recovering addict, and let me tell you that my parents dropped me off 2 hours away from home so that I wouldn't get high. That didn't stop me, I walk to a strangers house and called the police to take me home (well back to where I could get high) So i guess what i'm saying is if she wants to get high, she'll find a way to. Hope you don't take this harsh or the wrong way. Your loving parents, we the children always know you love us, even when your not with us.
I'll keep your family in my prayers.

Gwenyth

Jolinie, welcome to SR. I hope you can find the answers you need here. I can't tell you want to do, but I can tell you what I've learned from my experience... I've learned that I can't force my AH to recover - that is a decision he has to make on his own. I've learned this the hard way - I've forced him into detox twice and rehab; I've even forced him to go to AA meetings. He is finally ready and is now working on his recovery. Recovery only works when the alcoholic or addict is in control of it. You can talk to your step daughter and explain your concerns, but in the end (as Lang says), she has to make the decision. As her parent though, you do not have to support her addiction - the most important thing the family can do is to let the alcoholic/addict suffer the consequences of their decisions...it's tough to stand by and see my AH destroy his life, but in the end, that was the ONLY thing that helped him make a decision to get sober.

Good luck and stay encouraged!

redrose0729

Yeah Joline they are right my bf's mother has bent over backwards and done everything a mother could do to get her son off drugs took car keys , kept his money , watched his every move you name it she has done it and nothing helped the only time anything made a difference is when he wanted it to and he is still battling to this day. He is considered good if he only drinks and smokes pot. She has stayed up for days at a time when he would be gone worrying about him. In the end only he can make the decision for recovery it has to be his choice. The decision for recovery has to be your daughters choice and making her live at home could only give her more money to get high on therefore enabling her (no offense) . I know you love her and want to help her we all do and that is the hard part is knowing there is nothing we can do but not allow ourselves to be dragged down with the addiction.
Rose

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Jolinie, and welcome.

Your step daughter is no more likely to recover under your roof than she is on her own. Let her know you love her and want to help, and she will have that to consider when she's making decisions.

Hugs,
Smoke

Magichappens

Hi jolinie,
Welcome to SR. There is a lot of support and love here. There are many people who are dealing with the effects of alcoholism on the family.

Learning to let people learn their own lessons is hard. We don't want them to fall and hurt themself. But if you keep picking up a baby, and never let it fall down a few times, it won't learn to walk. A kid with a bike is expected to get a few scraped knees. All learning takes struggle and some setbacks. So it is with alchohol and drugs. The more we try to prevent the consequences, the less someone can learn.

There are support groups for families trying to learn to detach. Al-Anon can help. To find a meeting in your area, http://www.al-anon-alateen.org/english.html and select "How to locate a meeting."

Feel free to post, reply or browse here. You will find that there is a lot of experience here in dealing with situations very similar to yours. Glad you found us. Hugs, Magic