redrose0729

I have been taking some time out for me and been doing pretty good with it, I just hate it at moments like right now when I get so upset and ticked off I cant stand it. I have been walking and my A has even commented on how much better I am looking and is being more intement with me. He has been looking harder for a job and thats good. But then its like he undoes it with his big mouth. We both take a nap and then I get up after 1pm to get some lunch and he starts fussing at me about eating. At that time I just wanted to say who in the heck are you to talk about me eating a bowl of chili when you are a drunk and a crack head :*******: ..... But of course I don't I put up what I was going to eat and storm back to my room for a while. He get woke up when his mother calles and I am in the livingroom now and he goes into the bedroom I am glad cause now it gives me time on here in peace. I have been attending online OA meetings there are no f2f ones where I live and yesturday and this morning he tried to distract me from them . Yesturday it was for sex and I simply told him the meeting was more important :tongue2: . You know that felt good to say to him. I think in a way even though he likes seeing the more confident side in me it may also threaten him at times why else would he try to interupt my meetings.
I have made it a point not to miss church the past 2 Sundays and I am glad I am starting to like this new church I am trying out. But what is on my mind is yesturday I felt as if God was telling me to end the relationship with my boyfriend that this was not meant to be. I am spending more time on it and praying for the right decision and hoping for the strength to carry out what God wants me to do. It is so hard at one point I was always sure that this is the man God wanted me to spend the rest of my life with and now........
I don't know its not going to be easy no matter what I choose to do but if I keep feeling that God wants me to end this relationship then that is what I have to do. My children will be so hurt they love him so much. They were so happy when he came home they ran up and jumped into his arms and he smiled so big. I just don't want to hurt them but I fear that there is no way they wont be hurt. My A looks at them like they are his children and even refered to them as his children and I see the hurt in his face when he realizes they are not his children. I know God will give the strength to make it through but I guess I have to get the strength to do it. I guess I keep holding out for the hope that he will turn back into the man I fell in love with , but I think that man is lost forever. Another hard thing is his mother loves me to death and wants him to marry me and that is a big thing he is Asian and he has been expected to marry Asian all his life and for his mother to think that highly of me is an honor. His sisters are my bestfriends I know they will understand though they have both told me they would not take their brothers crap if they were me. The one who's Abf that died this year told me to runnnnn....I don't know I will pray on it some more right now I have to go pick up my daughters from school and then I think I will take a walk just to clear my head and for the exercise of course . That is one thing I have been doing alot of is when he ticks me off I go for a walk and when I come back he is in a better mood. I feel better afterwards also. Thanks for being here you guys and reading while I whine and get this off my chest it is so good to have this to turn to.
Rose

Peaches04

Hi redrose. You sound like you have a great outlook and are really trying hard to take care of yourself. You keep up the good work and be proud of what you've done! Some people would give up, but you are reaching out for help and you will receive it! You will know what to do when the time is right - at least that's what everyone keeps telling me. And I do believe our HP has it right...I'm just afraid I don't 'hear' him sometimes. Hang in there sweetie!

Lang79

Rose
Peaches is right you'll know what to do when the times right. Don't rush things or make any major decisions right now.
You'll have to e-mail me sometime and let me know how to make that icon as*****, I could use that when i'm referring to my husband.. HAHA
Monica

Rella927

((((Hugs Rose))))

Ditto here too "You will know what to do when the time is right for you!"
I'm going through as we all are a similar situation, except no children involved which is harder!

I have detached myself from my A for 4 days now!With minimal convos on the phone! He said to me yesterday on the phone (After I spent the entire weekend with friends and ME! And felt so much better! Even got a job offer to sell my Jewelry in a ladies store in town) He says to me "Do you want this relationship to fail?" I said no but you do! He said "I'm prepared because I know you are breaking up with me" I said to him ya know I think I have to get to bed right now-because I was tired felt so good about myself that I was not going to allow him to ruin it. :*******:

When the time is right for all of us we will do what we feel is right! Keep on trucking babe and go to those meetings, church, HERE, and those walks! Worry about you-as I can see like peaches said you have a great outlook-and as for the venting that is what we are here for! WE ALL HAVE THAT NEED SOMETIMES!

(((Hugs sweetness hang in there!)))

Try to maybe find an Al-Anon meeting they are such a wonderful thing! You feel so much better after listiening and sharing.

redrose0729

Thanks all of you for your responses just getting it off my chest helped me feel better. I did not get my walk in yet (had to help children with homework) but I am determined I will. He was supposed to start a job today and I think that is part of the reason for his ill mood and the lack of money. I am going to take the time and make sure of my actions before I take them I am afraid if I do it too early that I will not have the proper closure to end it and I really don't want to do that. I just have to keep reminding myself that when he is speaking badly to me it is the addiction speaking and not him separate myself and sort out my feelings. Thank goodness I am not letting it get me into a major depression right now. My relationship with God and this site and OA is a major help with that. Thanks to all of you for being here for me. I love you all.
Rose.

PS I can get the smilies on the origanal threads but how do you get them on the quick replies???

Magichappens

Rose,
I don't see this as a vent. I see it as growth and maturity. You are taking this decision very seriously, not just a reaction. Whatever you decide, you have our love and support. I believe too that if I wait and listen, God gives me answers. I am proud of the way you are handling this. Hugs, Magic

PS click "Go Advanced" to get smilies for replies.

redrose0729

Thanks Magic for your love and support..
It is very comforting....
Everyone please pray for me and my family Ivan is heading our way and I live in a Trailer that has no insurance I pray I will not be homeless after this storm. I live in lower alabama and I am worried about the trees all around my home. bye for now gotta go prepare for the storm!!!!
Rose

Magichappens

I have family there. You will be in my prayers. Hugs, Magic