Help with detachment

Old 01-07-2016, 09:13 AM
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Help with detachment

My AH is trying to get sober again (supposedly) and is on day 6 I think. I'm somewhat skeptical obviously but trying to support him. My problem is the jerky behavior is still an issue - another shut-down just happened this morning over what I am wearing to work today (btw, this has happened before recently and both times about the same type of clothing that's been a staple of my wardrobe for a decade and is totally work-appropriate). I simply told him to stop being a jerk and left. I'm obviously not going to change my appearance for him at this point, or any really, but I know when I get home he will still be acting like an #@%.

This is always a problem with me - the whole "detachment not amputation" thing. How do I detach from him without being a jerk myself? It's not really practical to not be around him all evening with dinner, homework, etc. with the kids.

Thanks for reading!
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Old 01-07-2016, 09:33 AM
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How about just saying, "Thanks for your input, I'm fine with what I'm wearing." And that's it. It's really not necessary to label it as "being a jerk"--that's what escalates the situation.

Your choice of what to wear to work isn't up for discussion. Just treat it like the irrelevant comment that it is.

Is he normally that controlling toward you? If so, that can be a red flag for abuse. If it's just him being grumpy because he's gone six days without a drink it isn't worth arguing about.
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Old 01-07-2016, 09:37 AM
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Wheresmyunicorn.......what would you do about unacceptable behavior if you were married to a man who was NOT an alcoholic?

In my opinion, his wanting to dictate to you what to wear.....is not about alcoholism or recovery...but, about control/abusive behaviors.

You are not a child...especially, not HIS child.
He is not your father; nor your superior; not your boss; nor your jailor; nor your judge and jury......

detachment is a tool...one tool...but, it does not fix all situations and all relationships.....
You don't have to defend or explain or justify your every action to him.....
Detachment can help you to gain some mental and physical space from the ridiculous statements and arguments that alcoholics pull....it can keep you from uselessly spinning your wheels....but, it is not meant to paint over unacceptable behaviors......

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Old 01-07-2016, 10:08 AM
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Thank you!

He's always been a jealous sort of person, but the thing with having problems with my clothes is rather new. The last time he tried to sober up and we talked about it he claims it was because of our lack of intimacy at the time (which continues). Never mind the fact that it was his being either drunk/passed out/ hungover virtually every second we were in the same room ... it had to be that I was getting my needs met somewhere else. Hence my "new" way of dressing (also never mind the fact that these are clothes I've worn for years ...)

He has gotten verbally/emotionally abusive with me in the last few years, which was what eventually began these attempts to sober up the last year or so - I told him I'd had enough of him going off at me after drinking all night and wouldn't live like that anymore. The result has been that these rages have stopped, but now this issue is beginning. I just feel like I'm on a roller coaster.

I really feel like 2016 may be the year for us - either make or break. He's gotten a sponsor and is a week in, so I'm willing to see how this pans out - IF he can not take out his every bad day on me in the meantime. But, I am at the point where if this takes another dive, it will likely end with an ultimatum to seek rehab or I'm done. I've started putting money aside for the eventuality. This is likely adding to my difficulty dealing calmly these days; a big part of me really is "done" in many ways.

Being here has really helped me this last year, both in dealing with AH and with gaining the strength to take steps to protect myself in the event it becomes necessary. Thank you everyone at SR for being her!
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Old 01-07-2016, 10:10 AM
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you say his sudden move to the Fashion Police has happened before but recently....are there other areas of YOUR life that he tries to control and "acts like a jerk" about? sure the newly sober can be cranky, but he is still WAY out of line.

as for how to deal with i....man, i just don't deal with jerks or jerk behavior well (unless of course it's my OWN...lol) so i don't always have the softer/kinder approach. what i do know is try not to continue to let this build up in you all day so by the time you get home you have become a human Cat5 hurricane.

i see you just replied. i want to state clearly that ALCOHOLISM AND ABUSE are two SEPARATE issues....just not drinking does not cause an abuser to CHANGE. abuse is a mindset, of way of seeing the world and those in it, with entitlement and arrogance and complete lack of respect. sending him to rehab won't FIX that.
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Old 01-07-2016, 10:31 AM
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Good advice above^^^ I don't have a whole lot more to offer, but I definitely relate.
My AH was the same way... controlling about my clothes, etc... If I happened to have a few extra minutes to put on some makeup, or my bra and underwear happened to match each other, well then I must have been going to meet one of my "boyfriends" that day.

In the beginning of our relationship, I tried to only wear make up and matching underwear on the weekends, when I was at home with him, to avoid his anger, and in hopes that it would make him feel more secure... of course there was always something else he would find to get angry about anyway, so I realized it was pointless to even try. All it really did was make me feel like **** about myself.

It was always really hard for me to detach and not let it get to me....
And often times, once I finally did start learning to detach, it seemed the detaching only made him MORE angry, and more of a jerk....making it even more difficult for me to detach...pretty common with the abusers, I think...

HUGS to you. Hope he's able to stay sober this time
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Old 01-07-2016, 10:41 AM
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whereismyunicorn......I have observed, over the years,.....like what Lexie alluded to-----that jelousy (where unwarranted) is a particularly troubling red flag---
it seems to be fueled by some very deep-seated issues....the need to control or posess another, combined with a low self-esteem.
These are the kinds of issue that require a long time of focused work/therapy to overcome.....

I'm just saying......

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Old 01-07-2016, 10:54 AM
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Thank you again, you guys!

I definitely agree that therapy is likely going to be necessary, but I haven't really been able to commit to it until he actually got sober. He is/was an every day drinker. Therapy with someone still active just seems pointless and a waste of time and money given what he spends on booze.

I'm considering doing another round of therapy just for me but haven't decided; in any event it will have to wait until I get another necessary medical procedure finished and paid for later this month. For now, I'm going to amp up my alanon and try to find a sponsor - so far I've been going and reading but haven't actively participated a whole lot with individual people. I'm really shy in person at first and it's been hard for me to reach out.
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Old 01-07-2016, 11:58 AM
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Being a jerk...

Good afternoon,

Is there somewhere else you and the kids can go? I'm not saying long term, or even overnight, but maybe just for a few hours? When my RAH was actively drinking (and he was a jerk) and I was detaching/detached, I would simply plan on not being around.

I would load up my kids and go out to do something (run errands, go to the park, etc) or just go to my parents house and hang out for a few hours. I know I'm lucky to live close to my amazing parents, but maybe you have family or a friend who would be okay with you and the kids just hanging out when you need to?

I found it easiest to not become a jerk myself (and engage in arguments, etc), if I just removed myself (and my kids) from the situation.

Good luck to you!
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Old 01-07-2016, 12:35 PM
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wh eresmyunicorn.....I am sorry....I did not make myself clear enough...
I meant individual therapy and work by HIM.....not couples therapy!!

I agree with you....

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Old 01-07-2016, 12:47 PM
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A jerk is a jerk, sober or not.

Keep taking good care of you!
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Old 01-07-2016, 01:03 PM
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(((Hugs))) I found it helpful to have a bunch of ready-made responses that were non-confrontational for times like this.

Like - "I'm sorry you feel that way." A phrase that I could spit out robotically, that didn't encourage further response from him & that might buy me enough time to just leave the room. If I couldn't leave, I tried to distract him by switching to a topic that was less likely to keep feeding his irrationality. "I'm sorry you feel that way. By the way - don't forget DD has a performance this Saturday at 5."
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