time2evalu8

Hi everyone,
I've been reading on SoberRecovery for almost a year, and finally created an account. My husband has probably been an alcoholic for as long as I've known him. When we were younger, drinking was a big part of our social lives together. As we aged, got married, had kids, etc, my drinking slowed significantly, while his kept increasing and became more and more problematic to our relationship. After a long time fighting about his drinking, I detached. I took almost sole responsibility for our household, including our two young children. We became like roommates -- occasionally he would babysit so I could get out of the house. He said and did some very damaging things to me during this time, including telling me I was boring in bed (multiple times) and choosing to call his mother on our date night, while I was sitting next to him on the couch in lingerie. (This was when things were bad, but I was really trying to make an effort to make things better.) We went to counseling, and after 6 months of that (and him still drinking), I was done. I had emotionally checked out and was ready for a separation. (This possibility had been brought up several times.) I was going to tell him at our counseling appointment, but the counselor basically talked around it and my husband agreed that very day to stop drinking for good. (He had never said before that he would.) I didn't really think it would last.

He's been sober for 8 months now, and while our home life has improved dramatically, we still have major issues with intimacy (which had taken a backseat as alcohol became the major focus). He's lost a lot of weight as a result of not drinking, and looks better than he has in years. He's become a better dad, and really a better husband. I should be attracted to his improved self. But I'm not feeling it. I am interested in sex, but not with him. (I've not had sex with anyone else, to be clear, but the thought has been there.) I care about him, but our relationship is (in my mind) more like that of brother/sister. He shows some interest in intimacy, and I've played along, but really haven't gotten much out of it... It has become something I "should do" rather than something I "want to do."

Will time change this? I feel like the cliche "I love him, but I'm no longer in love with him" is fitting. I've forgiven him for his drinking and have supported him in recovery. I'm proud of the efforts and improvements he's made and the better person he has become. I'm just wondering if the hurt is so deep (and or because it was sexual in nature) that I will never see him in a romantic manner again. Any thoughts, insights, or similar experiences would be greatly appreciated!

TIA!

LexieCat

That's almost exactly what happened with my first marriage. He's a great guy, he will have 36 years of sobriety in a few days, and I love him dearly, though I left him when I realized our marriage had become what you're describing. I thought he deserved someone crazy about him, and as much as I cared about him, I didn't feel "that way" about him.

We have the world's friendliest divorce. He's been a great dad to our kids. I stay with him and his wife (who really IS crazy about him) when I go out to see my kids (now adults and no longer living at home.

I'm not sure of all the whys and hows, but I think my leaving was the best for both of us.

Sotiredofitall

Time really hasn't changed it for me. But we've been married 37 years and are on meds that certainly alter libido. But no interest on my part....not for him. I sometimes think there was just too much damage done to the intimacy/relationship thing. We are good friends but more like roommates than anything else. Probably not what you were looking to hear.

hopepraylove

I wasn't married, but I was in a serious, committed relationship (that I believed would turn into marriage).

I have to agree with "sotired..." for me, the extent of the damage was too much, I was too exhausted, burnt out and discouraged, couldn't trust him and therefor didn't feel the urge or desire to be intimate with him.

Keep coming back, you'll find other experiences that counter mine I'm sure.

CodeJob

I'm so glad you've posted Time2evalu8,

Welcome to SR!

I feel your wonderment.

My H has problems with intimacy - still. He's been sober 31 months. I often feel like friends or roommates more than married. I write here about his buttoned up self when he irks me and I know it is pointless to even start a conversation with him as he won't get it.

Can you try the separation? Do you have the job and finances to make it without him (Plan X for Exit)?

I worked the steps myself which allowed my marriage that first year to breathe. It took me more than a year to do the steps. When I gave my amends at a marriage counseling session last year, my H refused my amends. Which made me see he was still in denial about how his drinking impacted me and our little family unit. That was pretty breathtaking to see how much he needed to grow yet and how much I have grown.

Our counselor warned me of this - that I'd outgrow my marriage. Oops.

walkinganewpath

Well your post was very timely for me as well. My H is in very early recovery - sober for 8 weeks, home from rehab for almost 3. It was his third trip to rehab in just over 18 months. This time he actually had a very good experience where he went and is working a program.

I know it's very soon but I'm struggling too with my feelings about him. I have a lot of work to do on myself and that might be part of it - I don't have a lot of feelings about anything at all honestly. So I'm at a stage of working on meand just letting our relationship go where it goes for now. (trying to be pleasant and have fun and be nice, etc but I know I'm holding back). We are having more conversations and most of them are enjoyable.

It seems sad in a way that the thing we wanted most from them might be too late....I guess if that's where it takes you then working on acceptance and a finding the right path forward is all you can do.

time2evalu8

Yes, I fear that's it exactly. I wanted him to get his drinking under control for a long time. Now he has, and so he thinks everything should automatically be great. The way he sees it, he's taken care of his issues, but I haven't taken care of mine.

I'm 35, and though it may sound selfish, I don't want to "waste time" in a marriage that will eventually end. (IF it's going to end, I'd rather do it sooner rather than later, while I'm still *somewhat* young and would still maybe consider another child with someone else if things went that way.) What I don't want is to spend the next X years in limbo, looking back and thinking I should have ended it years ago.

Any ideas on a "magic number"? The right amount of time to wait to see if feelings return (after sobriety)?

Thanks, everyone, for your feedback so far. It isn't super encouraging news, but I guess it's kind of what I thought I'd hear.

LexieCat

I don't think there's such a thing as a "magic number." I stayed with my husband for almost 15 years. I can't say I regret it--we had a couple of great kids, and some happy, fun, times, but I felt like a fake in the marriage after a while. It was like trying to force my way into something that didn't fit. And I felt really guilty about not feeling "in love" anymore, when honestly, there was nothing lacking in him as a person. There's nothing he could have DONE better. The feeling is there or it isn't.

I think if you're positive you don't want to remain married there's no reason to drag it out. If you're not sure, though, maybe give it some more time. Do you think there's any possibility marriage counseling could help? We did that, but the problem was there wasn't really a "problem" other than my not wanting to be there anymore. All the counseling in the world, I don't think, could fix that.

Bekindalways

Welcome Time2evalu8! It sounds like you have been through some rough times.

I have never been married so can only add my sympathy and support. I hope you find clarity about what you need to do. Thanks for posting.

Lilro

Hi Time

Yikes, your post brought back a lot of unhappy memories in my marriage with my Exhusband. Our intimacy issues were so bad that for 8 out of 11 years he even had his own bedroom. Talk about a roomate situation!
Im not sure if it was his addiction issues, childhood issues, whatever. All I know is that I was tired of being the one to initiate sex, tired of feeling like I was the only one in the marriage. I would see other couples out and about, holding hands, connecting, happy and I knew that the life that I had with him was something I did not want to live with the rest of my life. I wanted the passion, the companionship, the intimacy shared between two people in love. I wanted it all and I deserved to have it.
If you are not happy and have tried your best do yourself a favor and rethink whether you want to continue on in this relationship. Life is way too short to live it unhappily.
I hope this helped...I wish you the best!
Ro

Liveitwell

This post hits home-in many ways. I was absolutely crazy about my husband. I was all in. His demons just broke every ounce of everything that made me crazy about him-no trust, desire etc bc of his actions. And I know I hurt him as well-which is what happens in a marriage-but I repented and changed. But could not save my marriage and at the end no longer desired to. I'm happy for your husband-that is amazing and I truly hope and pray he sticks with it. Listen to Lexie on this-she's got a great story and history with her first husband-of only they were all so easy peace to you, friend. Only thing I have to add is that intimacy and passion can be rebuilt-it just takes two willing to do the work-marriage is tough and not easy-even the best marriages-they are good bc both worked at it. You don't get to a golden anniversary without some bad years and problems in there. So, that's all I'm saying.

norashepard

One reason I left my alcoholic ex of 15 years (not married) when the true magnitude of his problem became apparent--a DUI that revealed pints of rum under the seat, in my car that I owned and let him use for work--was that in the preceding years our relationship had become irreparably broken. He became meaner and meaner in his drunkenness and gained a considerable amount of weight in his belly, smelled gross often, etc. Meanwhile, I became more and more obsessed with controlling his behavior, especially the drunk driving I suspected he was doing...in my car. We still text from time to time, and he says he is sober now--I don't know and I cant worry about that anymore--but I can't imagine ever sleeping with him again after all that. This is partly because after dealing with his lying and manipulating for so long, I wasn't sure I could ever totally trust him again, and trust is so important. This kind of lying an addict does is often abusive--gaslighting me, trying to make me feel like the crazy one, and the one who is so cruel to even suggest he may have been drinking that morning/afternoon/night (sometimes he eventually admitted it, sometimes not) when he was trying *so hard* to be sober (he wasn't). Like many alcoholics, he was good at hiding things; I could see it in his mannerisms, his glassy eyes, but he always somehow left me questioning whether or not I was being the toxic one. Whether or not I was crazy, unlikeable, vindictive, spiteful. Even though I KNEW he was drinking, he always managed to plant that seed of doubt in my head. So, after all that manipulative garbage and misery, it seemed best for us to just try and remain friends and go our separate ways romantically. I haven't looked for a new partner yet and sometimes am lonely. But I am no longer bogged down my HIS problem. And I no longer have anxiety over not wanting to sleep with my partner, which is not a great feeling.... Just my story. YMMV.

Liveitwell

Nora-you hit the nail on the head. Absolutely. I could have written your post word for word. Thanks for sharing and peace to y'all.

sauerkraut

Hi Time2,
I was in similar shoes although I think my husband only stopped drinking when I left, not when I threatened to do so (if in fact he has quit drinking, as I don't really know what he's doing). We still had a good sex life, when he was sober, except that almost all emotional intimacy was gone, and I didn't see it coming back. For what it's worth, I left 2 months ago, and don't regret it for a second (which doesn't mean it's easy, however).

I've been finding the book "Life After Divorce: Create a New Beginning" by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse to be really helpful, particularly her discussion of the process that leads to divorce. It made me realize how almost inevitable our split had become, after so much damage.

Take care--

HHTexas

IF it's going to end, I'd rather do it sooner rather than later, while I'm still *somewhat* young and would still maybe consider another child with someone else if things went that way.

This!! I'm 32... want to have another baby so bad but not with current husband (even before latest drama I felt that way). Don't want time waste my childbearing years.