Should I go to "Hell Week"?
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 146
Should I go to "Hell Week"?
So, yesterday morning I took my ABF to inpatient treatment. He was supposed to be admitted a few days ago, but there was some issues with his insurance covering residential versus day treatment. But, we finally made it! It has been a terrible roller coaster. I had the house to myself for most of the day and I slept and slept and slept. It was so peaceful. I am having an overwhelming feeling of relief and joy and hope and fear.
I guess I should get to the point.... When ABF was going through the admission process, one of the program directors approached me about attending their family program. It is 4 days long, from 8 am-8 pm. I said that I really wanted to, but ABF said that it is known as "hell week" and said I am too busy and it would be too emotionally taxing for me. He said that he thinks I shouldn't do it. The thing is, one family member or significant other can attend this program at no additional cost and I think I really could use it. So, do I respect my ABF's wishes and just continue to attend al-anon meetings, or should I just do it, even though he doesn't want me to? Is this him expressing his guilt of how much he has taken from me and the kids and not wanting me to spend any more energy on "his problem"? Or, is he hiding something or controlling the information I receive?
I think that the program will be really good for my healing. I know it will probably be very good. It is at Hazelden/Betty Ford. Does anyone have any experience with it or programs like it?
This is so frustrating because I feel like my trust has been violated so many times, that I feel like I can't be confident in making my own decisions... or that I don't trust my judgment. I think he is just so ashamed that he doesn't feel that he is worth the effort or time. That is what I feel he is feeling, but I'm not positive. I won't be able to talk to him for a few days because he is detoxing and isn't allowed contact until he is medically cleared.
What do you guys think?
I guess I should get to the point.... When ABF was going through the admission process, one of the program directors approached me about attending their family program. It is 4 days long, from 8 am-8 pm. I said that I really wanted to, but ABF said that it is known as "hell week" and said I am too busy and it would be too emotionally taxing for me. He said that he thinks I shouldn't do it. The thing is, one family member or significant other can attend this program at no additional cost and I think I really could use it. So, do I respect my ABF's wishes and just continue to attend al-anon meetings, or should I just do it, even though he doesn't want me to? Is this him expressing his guilt of how much he has taken from me and the kids and not wanting me to spend any more energy on "his problem"? Or, is he hiding something or controlling the information I receive?
I think that the program will be really good for my healing. I know it will probably be very good. It is at Hazelden/Betty Ford. Does anyone have any experience with it or programs like it?
This is so frustrating because I feel like my trust has been violated so many times, that I feel like I can't be confident in making my own decisions... or that I don't trust my judgment. I think he is just so ashamed that he doesn't feel that he is worth the effort or time. That is what I feel he is feeling, but I'm not positive. I won't be able to talk to him for a few days because he is detoxing and isn't allowed contact until he is medically cleared.
What do you guys think?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Of course you should go if you want to. He doesn't get to restrict your access to help you only need because of him.
My guess is either he's afraid of what you might learn, or doesn't want anyone else hearing about his problems.
A firm 'thanks for your concern but I intend to go because I feel it will help me' should be sufficient. If he tries to pressure you more I suggest you talk to the clinic liaison officer.
My guess is either he's afraid of what you might learn, or doesn't want anyone else hearing about his problems.
A firm 'thanks for your concern but I intend to go because I feel it will help me' should be sufficient. If he tries to pressure you more I suggest you talk to the clinic liaison officer.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
I would try to find out what the program entails before making such a commitment. This program may not address your feelings or hurts at all. It may be all about. How life is going to revolve around him and his recovery. I have read here many times about how alone someone feels when their SO goes through rehab. Rehab is for them not you.
I would not play the game of speculating how or why your ABF has said what he has said. Don't try to figure out hidden messages or feelings. Take what he said exactly how he said it. Make your decision based on facts and not supposition. Al-Anon is for you and only you. If you are really looking for a program to help you get normal and healthy you can't go wrong with Al-Anon.
I would not play the game of speculating how or why your ABF has said what he has said. Don't try to figure out hidden messages or feelings. Take what he said exactly how he said it. Make your decision based on facts and not supposition. Al-Anon is for you and only you. If you are really looking for a program to help you get normal and healthy you can't go wrong with Al-Anon.
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
I went to Hazelden a number of years ago. The family program is an al-anon based program. It focuses on you and not the alcoholic. I'd recommend it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd agree that at many rehabs the "family" program is focused more on the alcoholic than on your healing, but I doubt that would be true at THIS rehab, which is known for its excellent help for families.
I wouldn't be surprised if the addicts/alcoholics consider it "hell week," but tough noogies. This is for you, not him, and the opportunity to go, for FREE, is one that I, personally, would not turn down--certainly not based on what HE wants you to do.
I wouldn't be surprised if the addicts/alcoholics consider it "hell week," but tough noogies. This is for you, not him, and the opportunity to go, for FREE, is one that I, personally, would not turn down--certainly not based on what HE wants you to do.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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caretaker88.....I have had a lot of experience with Hazelden, over the years. I have "sent" many people there.
They even invited me to spend several days touring their facility (the one in Minnesota) for several days, one time. It was very impressive!
It was so welcoming and peaceful....and, beautiful, there.....
The staff seem so very dedicated....most all of them recovering, themselves....
I say that this is a golden opportunity for yourself that you should not turn down.
Don't listen to your boyfriend.
You have your own very good brain in your head.....and, you are totally capable of making your OWN decisions regarding your o wn welfare....
He would do well to keep on his side of the street...and, leave you to your side of the street.....
dandylion
They even invited me to spend several days touring their facility (the one in Minnesota) for several days, one time. It was very impressive!
It was so welcoming and peaceful....and, beautiful, there.....
The staff seem so very dedicated....most all of them recovering, themselves....
I say that this is a golden opportunity for yourself that you should not turn down.
Don't listen to your boyfriend.
You have your own very good brain in your head.....and, you are totally capable of making your OWN decisions regarding your o wn welfare....
He would do well to keep on his side of the street...and, leave you to your side of the street.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by caretaker88 
The thing is, one family member or significant other can attend this program at no additional cost and I think I really could use it.
I think that the program will be really good for my healing. I know it will probably be very good. It is at Hazelden/Betty Ford.
What do you guys think?
and it may be of great help and support for you.
Please do exactly what you think to be best for you.
Hazelden/Betty Ford -- Known to be a very good Program.
M-Bob
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Laurelton
Posts: 178
When my AH was at inpatient rehab (30 days) I was invited to "family day" by his appointed counselor. Before the actual invitation AH had told me to decline when they ask me to partake. When I asked why, he told me because it was more important that I stay home and take care of the children, the drive was 3 hours and he didn't want to inconvenience me. I told him my family would gladly watch the kids and that I could do a 3 hr drive with my eyes closed. I eventually did attend, it was very insightful and I was glad that I went. I learned a lot about my AH and myself, it was only for the day but well worth the trip.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I think whatever you "feel he is feeling", this decision is yours to make, independent of his advice. The very fact that you are having such difficulty separating him from this equation tells me you need the family program more than either of you are conscious of right now.
Just as I would advise you to stay out of his recovery, he should be staying out of yours.
Just as I would advise you to stay out of his recovery, he should be staying out of yours.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
I went to some family counseling sessions when I had a niece in rehab over the summer. It was pretty much directed to understanding alcoholism and addiction, and geared more toward how to handle the person in rehab than handling your own set of issues by being a part of their life. The rehab patients were in attendance, as well, so it was more of a group meeting.
I'd definitely encourage finding more out about the program. For myself, I found that separate meetings and support, away from the setting of the rehab patient, was most beneficial for me, mainly because it was more about me and how I can get back to my old self.
The worry I would have, it if were me, was if the family treatment included him. Since the family or loved one's treatment is completely different, then it may not be the best atmosphere if he is physically included. But, that's up to you - whether or not you feel you would really benefit from it. I mean, if it's offered, at no extra cost - it's definitely worth looking into.
That feeling that you had when he checked in - that is your body and mind realizing that you get to finally pay attention to them now. Go with it. If you look into the program and feel that you could greatly benefit, then it's a better reason to do it than not to because he doesn't like it. You know better than anyone else what is best for you.
I'd definitely encourage finding more out about the program. For myself, I found that separate meetings and support, away from the setting of the rehab patient, was most beneficial for me, mainly because it was more about me and how I can get back to my old self.
The worry I would have, it if were me, was if the family treatment included him. Since the family or loved one's treatment is completely different, then it may not be the best atmosphere if he is physically included. But, that's up to you - whether or not you feel you would really benefit from it. I mean, if it's offered, at no extra cost - it's definitely worth looking into.
That feeling that you had when he checked in - that is your body and mind realizing that you get to finally pay attention to them now. Go with it. If you look into the program and feel that you could greatly benefit, then it's a better reason to do it than not to because he doesn't like it. You know better than anyone else what is best for you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
so if i understand, he said this about "hell week" upon ADMISSION? and has been in blackout while detoxing ever since? meaning he knows NOTHING about this family week, what the program involves, anything, and was just talking out his @ss.
your post repeatedly said "I think he feels....." - right now is a good time to STOP thinking you know what he feels or thinks or remembers. get out of HIS head and get back into your own. start to do what is best for YOU regardless of what you THINK he might THINK or feel about it. it's not his call. IT'S YOURS.
personally, i think you could benefit greatly from the family program. and if you want to go, then you should go. regardless of how things turn out for you two, YOU will gain a lot of valuable information and insight to take with you on your life's journey.
your post repeatedly said "I think he feels....." - right now is a good time to STOP thinking you know what he feels or thinks or remembers. get out of HIS head and get back into your own. start to do what is best for YOU regardless of what you THINK he might THINK or feel about it. it's not his call. IT'S YOURS.
personally, i think you could benefit greatly from the family program. and if you want to go, then you should go. regardless of how things turn out for you two, YOU will gain a lot of valuable information and insight to take with you on your life's journey.
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Join Date: Jul 2006
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So he's concerned about the program being "too emotionally taxing" for you? I don't know your backstory, but I'm guessing that (given it's reached the point of rehab) things have been "emotionally taxing" for a while. Good of him to be concerned now. I say go for it, you may regret it more if you don't give this a chance
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 146
Hello Everyone! Thanks for all of the great responses! I know I really need to get out of this mindset of codependency. It is crazy! So, I called Hazelden about it today and got a lot of information.
First, ABF will not be involved in the program at all. It is all about the family/significant other's healing. Awesome!
It is 4 long days (8am-8pm) focusing on alcoholism and figuring out how it has affected those close to the alcoholic. There is 1 on 1 time with counselors, group discussions, lectures, etc. It is an al-anon based program. It sounded intense, but totally perfect for me.... I signed up!
It will not take place until he has been in rehab for 3-4 weeks, because they state that the information will be fresh in my mind and I will be more likely to set healthy boundaries and be better able to take care of myself. I totally agree and I am actually excited! I want to be able to let go of some of this resentment and anger. I want to heal and trust myself again. I want to be physically and mentally healthy. I believe that this program will give me at least a starting point.
I then spoke with the staff taking care of him and got an update. He already told them yesterday that I was going to go to the program and said that he was glad I was going. I haven't spoke to him about it, but I don't care if he doesn't want me to. I am going!
I will keep you guys posted. I am attending at the end of the month. Thanks for all of the great feedback!
BTW... I dropped him off at Hazelden in MN and the campus and staff are amazing. He actually went there 5 years ago, which I feel was why he was willing (when the time was right) to go to treatment, because he knew what to expect. I was super impressed with everything for the short time I was there. He did make the comment that "they aren't going to let me go this time". Which is probably true. Good! Great!
First, ABF will not be involved in the program at all. It is all about the family/significant other's healing. Awesome!
It is 4 long days (8am-8pm) focusing on alcoholism and figuring out how it has affected those close to the alcoholic. There is 1 on 1 time with counselors, group discussions, lectures, etc. It is an al-anon based program. It sounded intense, but totally perfect for me.... I signed up!
It will not take place until he has been in rehab for 3-4 weeks, because they state that the information will be fresh in my mind and I will be more likely to set healthy boundaries and be better able to take care of myself. I totally agree and I am actually excited! I want to be able to let go of some of this resentment and anger. I want to heal and trust myself again. I want to be physically and mentally healthy. I believe that this program will give me at least a starting point.
I then spoke with the staff taking care of him and got an update. He already told them yesterday that I was going to go to the program and said that he was glad I was going. I haven't spoke to him about it, but I don't care if he doesn't want me to. I am going!
I will keep you guys posted. I am attending at the end of the month. Thanks for all of the great feedback!
BTW... I dropped him off at Hazelden in MN and the campus and staff are amazing. He actually went there 5 years ago, which I feel was why he was willing (when the time was right) to go to treatment, because he knew what to expect. I was super impressed with everything for the short time I was there. He did make the comment that "they aren't going to let me go this time". Which is probably true. Good! Great!
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