push or pull?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: michigan
Posts: 296
push or pull?
Need advice. I am upset with my kids decision to live with their dad, however it is their decision. My dilemma is I feel like I am not inviting enough for the kids and I do not cater to them. I do not want to cut them out but I do want to distant myself (to protect my feelings and in a way theirs, because of my disappointment) without being cold.
I am uncluttering and packing up some of their stuff but each kid has their own special issues (kid in college ready to fly, kid with health needs and no direction in life, and a kid in HS suppose to have joint custody) I would like them to know they can come here if needed but right now I don't appreciate being treated like storage, physical and mentally.
Today I am not even sure I want them to spend any more nights here, come over of course but I feel they can just stay at their dads until they are less confused.
I try to call at night and text good morning and good night, but at times I don't even want to do that. Again it comes back to I don't understand the logic of their thinking; their dad treated me badly and he is rewarded with them staying with him. I don't get it. (in the end I did some stuff too that I should not of and it did effect them but he did awful things no one should put up with )
besides moving 3,000 miles away does Anyone have advise on what I should do or how to handle this.
thanks
Cricket
I am uncluttering and packing up some of their stuff but each kid has their own special issues (kid in college ready to fly, kid with health needs and no direction in life, and a kid in HS suppose to have joint custody) I would like them to know they can come here if needed but right now I don't appreciate being treated like storage, physical and mentally.
Today I am not even sure I want them to spend any more nights here, come over of course but I feel they can just stay at their dads until they are less confused.
I try to call at night and text good morning and good night, but at times I don't even want to do that. Again it comes back to I don't understand the logic of their thinking; their dad treated me badly and he is rewarded with them staying with him. I don't get it. (in the end I did some stuff too that I should not of and it did effect them but he did awful things no one should put up with )
besides moving 3,000 miles away does Anyone have advise on what I should do or how to handle this.
thanks
Cricket
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
If their Dad's home will be their primary residence,
I see no reason whatsoever that you should continue to store their things.
Tell them you aren't certain of what your future plans are,
so you are decluttering your house for the new year.
Give them a solid deadline--say end of the month--to remove said items
or things will be donated to Goodwill.
I think if you have space for them to still have a bed and a few personal items
for when they do want to stay over, that would be fine if you are OK with it,
but aside from that, clear out your space and be peaceful.
You can't control what they do, but you can run your own home as you like.
Be sure to be calm and not negotiate--just tell them to have it out and the deadline, then follow through
I see no reason whatsoever that you should continue to store their things.
Tell them you aren't certain of what your future plans are,
so you are decluttering your house for the new year.
Give them a solid deadline--say end of the month--to remove said items
or things will be donated to Goodwill.
I think if you have space for them to still have a bed and a few personal items
for when they do want to stay over, that would be fine if you are OK with it,
but aside from that, clear out your space and be peaceful.
You can't control what they do, but you can run your own home as you like.
Be sure to be calm and not negotiate--just tell them to have it out and the deadline, then follow through
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I think every decision you make right now should be based on what is Best for You, Right Now. If you want to text/call, go ahead. If you don't, don't. If you don't want their stuff in your house, then get rid of it. If you would rather they didn't spend the night, don't ask them to, and if they try, tell them they need to go their dad's house because you are going to bed or need to be alone.
If your choices are based in taking care of yourself, it's a huge step in a good healthy direction, which is what I believe good parents model to their kids.
If your choices are based in punishing the kids for choosing to live with their dad, then you're going to continue reaping what you sow.
The time and energy you spend worrying and wondering and making assumptions about what they think and feel and why, and whether any of it is "fair" or not is, in my opinion, better spent focusing on you, your needs, and doing the Next Right Thing for your own peace and well-being.
No one can ever argue with you taking care of yourself. If they have issues, those are their issues to deal with.
By the way, not wanting to be treated like storage is a perfectly healthy boundary. You don't owe them anything. They have had many options as to where they will live and store their things. They are almost adults, and adults take responsibility for their own belongings. If they won't do it, you have every right to discard their things as you see fit. Yes, your ex will complain and try to use it against you, but it's either that or turn your home into a hotel. Again, if people have a problem with you taking care of yourself and enforcing perfectly reasonable boundaries, that problem is THEIRS to deal with. Let them.
If your choices are based in taking care of yourself, it's a huge step in a good healthy direction, which is what I believe good parents model to their kids.
If your choices are based in punishing the kids for choosing to live with their dad, then you're going to continue reaping what you sow.
The time and energy you spend worrying and wondering and making assumptions about what they think and feel and why, and whether any of it is "fair" or not is, in my opinion, better spent focusing on you, your needs, and doing the Next Right Thing for your own peace and well-being.
No one can ever argue with you taking care of yourself. If they have issues, those are their issues to deal with.
By the way, not wanting to be treated like storage is a perfectly healthy boundary. You don't owe them anything. They have had many options as to where they will live and store their things. They are almost adults, and adults take responsibility for their own belongings. If they won't do it, you have every right to discard their things as you see fit. Yes, your ex will complain and try to use it against you, but it's either that or turn your home into a hotel. Again, if people have a problem with you taking care of yourself and enforcing perfectly reasonable boundaries, that problem is THEIRS to deal with. Let them.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
1)
If your choices are based in taking care of yourself, it's a huge step in a good healthy direction, which is what I believe good parents model to their kids.
2)
If your choices are based in punishing the kids for choosing to live with their dad, then you're going to continue reaping what you sow.
3)
The time and energy you spend worrying and wondering and making assumptions about what they think and feel and why, and whether any of it is "fair" or not is, in my opinion, better spent focusing on you, your needs, and doing the Next Right Thing for your own peace and well-being.
4)
They are almost adults, and adults take responsibility for their own belongings. If they won't do it, you have every right to discard their things as you see fit. Yes, your ex will complain and try to use it against you, but it's either that or turn your home into a hotel.
In Short:
If people have a problem with you taking care of yourself and enforcing perfectly reasonable boundaries, that problem is THEIRS to deal with. Let them.
If your choices are based in taking care of yourself, it's a huge step in a good healthy direction, which is what I believe good parents model to their kids.
2)
If your choices are based in punishing the kids for choosing to live with their dad, then you're going to continue reaping what you sow.
3)
The time and energy you spend worrying and wondering and making assumptions about what they think and feel and why, and whether any of it is "fair" or not is, in my opinion, better spent focusing on you, your needs, and doing the Next Right Thing for your own peace and well-being.
4)
They are almost adults, and adults take responsibility for their own belongings. If they won't do it, you have every right to discard their things as you see fit. Yes, your ex will complain and try to use it against you, but it's either that or turn your home into a hotel.
In Short:
If people have a problem with you taking care of yourself and enforcing perfectly reasonable boundaries, that problem is THEIRS to deal with. Let them.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I know when my son moved out MY need to hear from him drove me onto an emotional roller coaster of phone calls and text messages which drove him nuts and kept me riding up and down and up and down.
I finally cooled it, stepped back took some time and found a balance which held no expectations. I would text him maybe once a week with things like “thinking of you, hope you have a nice week – love you”. And I would leave it at that. If he wanted to text back fine and if not that was also fine. But I kept my emotions on my side of the street instead of throwing them on him and his side.
I did pack up his things and they are stored in my attic which he knows about and they are out of my way and until they are in my way I’ll leave them be.
I finally cooled it, stepped back took some time and found a balance which held no expectations. I would text him maybe once a week with things like “thinking of you, hope you have a nice week – love you”. And I would leave it at that. If he wanted to text back fine and if not that was also fine. But I kept my emotions on my side of the street instead of throwing them on him and his side.
I did pack up his things and they are stored in my attic which he knows about and they are out of my way and until they are in my way I’ll leave them be.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by cricket123
Need advice. I am upset with my kids decision to live with their dad, however it is their decision. My dilemma is I feel like I am not inviting enough for the kids and I do not cater to them. I do not want to cut them out but I do want to distant myself (to protect my feelings and in a way theirs, because of my disappointment) without being cold.
I am uncluttering and packing up some of their stuff but each kid has their own special issues (kid in college ready to fly, kid with health needs and no direction in life, and a kid in HS suppose to have joint custody) I would like them to know they can come here if needed but right now I don't appreciate being treated like storage, physical and mentally.
Today I am not even sure I want them to spend any more nights here, come over of course but I feel they can just stay at their dads until they are less confused.
I try to call at night and text good morning and good night, but at times I don't even want to do that. Again it comes back to I don't understand the logic of their thinking; their dad treated me badly and he is rewarded with them staying with him. I don't get it. (in the end I did some stuff too that I should not of and it did effect them but he did awful things no one should put up with )
besides moving 3,000 miles away does Anyone have advise on what I should do or how to handle this.
thanks
Cricket
I am uncluttering and packing up some of their stuff but each kid has their own special issues (kid in college ready to fly, kid with health needs and no direction in life, and a kid in HS suppose to have joint custody) I would like them to know they can come here if needed but right now I don't appreciate being treated like storage, physical and mentally.
Today I am not even sure I want them to spend any more nights here, come over of course but I feel they can just stay at their dads until they are less confused.
I try to call at night and text good morning and good night, but at times I don't even want to do that. Again it comes back to I don't understand the logic of their thinking; their dad treated me badly and he is rewarded with them staying with him. I don't get it. (in the end I did some stuff too that I should not of and it did effect them but he did awful things no one should put up with )
besides moving 3,000 miles away does Anyone have advise on what I should do or how to handle this.
thanks
Cricket
You state "their dad treated me badly and is rewarded with them staying with him"......how he treated you shouldn't be held against them because they have chosen to live with him.
(in the end I did some stuff too that I should not of and it did effect them but he did awful things no one should put up with ) This sounds like you are blame shifting your own actions back to him, and expecting them to dismiss what you have done based on what he did making it ok.
I would suggest that you get some therapy, perhaps family therapy at a later time to try and heal the wounds. There are a lot of wounds. Your children have been through a lot too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
One of the hardest things I've had to do in recovery is letting go of expectations and accepting other people, even when I don't understand them. When I have resentments it helps to pray for the other person each day for a month or so, asking that they have complete happiness and abundance (not making it about me). Always my feelings change and I'm able to let them go. Often they come back on their own. Alanon saved my sanity and I recommend it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Cricket.....you keep; asking the same basic questions.....I understand this....because I believe that you are grieving.....
I believe that you are feeling the loss of what you wanted your children to be like at this point....and the plans you had for your family.....
In the grieving process, it is normal to obsess over unanswerable questions and to go over everything..everything...in your mind. There is the kaliedoscipe of emotions---sadness, anger, fear, etc...... There are depressed feelings and it feels like it could swallow you up....
I hope that you begin alanon and therapy (if you haven't, already). You will find comfort. there.
You can expect several months of roller coaster feelings....until you begin to feel normal in your skin.
things won't always stay exactly like this.
Change, in life, is always evolving. Nothing stays the same forever....
I think if you go back and reread your threads and the posted responses,,,that will help a lot....
dandylion
I believe that you are feeling the loss of what you wanted your children to be like at this point....and the plans you had for your family.....
In the grieving process, it is normal to obsess over unanswerable questions and to go over everything..everything...in your mind. There is the kaliedoscipe of emotions---sadness, anger, fear, etc...... There are depressed feelings and it feels like it could swallow you up....
I hope that you begin alanon and therapy (if you haven't, already). You will find comfort. there.
You can expect several months of roller coaster feelings....until you begin to feel normal in your skin.
things won't always stay exactly like this.
Change, in life, is always evolving. Nothing stays the same forever....
I think if you go back and reread your threads and the posted responses,,,that will help a lot....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
My mom is my alcoholic qualifier. I have a relatively healthy marriage and three of our kids are in their early twenties, late teens. I just wanted to pipe in to say that at their stage in life, kids tend to be pretty self-centered and often I feel like our home is just a pit-stop for food and money. I wouldn't be surprised if their dad is totally hands off and allows them to use his place as the pit stop. I have noticed my college child starting to come full circle and be a little more appreciative. Just my two cents.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
