Some people have a real nerve!

Old 09-13-2004, 11:25 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Thank you Paulie (and everyone!). Peaches - I read you! I'm trying to avoid the "I must not have been clear" excuse for giving him another chance. Because I am no longer to willing to accept certain behaviors when my AH is drunk, I wanted to be PERFECTLY clear...
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Old 09-13-2004, 11:26 AM
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All this is helping me...just being able to talk about it is helping me. You sound like you are getting it down! I guess where I struggle with the boundaries are more related to the fact that my AH is a functioning? alcholic. He doesn't do anything outrageous where I can go THERE..SEE - that's it!! Mine is more the unhappiness, the distance, the verbal abuse, always feeling alone and lonely, worrying about the kids, the always AH-consuming search for the new career, being second to his drinking friends - the overall misery and aggravation. Sometimes I wish (though I know I really DONT want this ) - but, that he would cheat on me or hit me or something...so I can go - THATS IT! But, Gwenyth - you are giving me inspiration with your quick reception to all this new information
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Old 09-13-2004, 11:55 AM
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Peaches - it's been a long time in coming. We've been married for 2 years. I had no idea he was an alcoholic when we got married. About 6 months into our marriage, I started finding hidden alcohol bottles & thought something was amiss (before that... funny story...we had an open bar at our wedding - neither of us drank that night - but the caterers gave us all the extra alcohol...which was TONS. We kept it in our pantry and about 3 months after our wedding, I went to dust off the bottles. Not only did they not need dusting...ha ha...they were empty. My AH told me they must have evaporated. I didn't know that much about alcohol - I was 24 when I had my first drink, so I thought "okay.")

At first, I thought the drinking was caused by depression, so I found doctor after doctor to see him re depression/bipolar (afterall, he was too depressed to get in touch with Drs., so I did it for him). Turns out, it was the drinking causing the depression/bipolar! Not sure why it FINALLY clicked in my head, but in May I realized he was an alcoholic and made him to go to detox. When he relapsed (big surprise considering I forced him into detox), I gave him the choice of rehab or moving out. Now I finally get it, my AH is an alcoholic and I am not to enable him OR control his recovery. I just want to figure out what it is that I am suppose to do - and I figure those who have gone before me know a whole lot more than I do!

Stay encouraged Peaches - it's comforting that we are not in this alone.
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Old 09-13-2004, 12:05 PM
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Hi again. Thanks Gwenyth. I met my husband at around 24ish and I drank and partied a lot too. But, then it's like I grew up and out of it, and he didn't? Then I noticed how uncomfortable I would get and I how I would just want to "not be here". Then in the last couple of years we have started to argue alot and I am so, so bitter and resentful...it scares even me. But, I have started to let that go and 'own' my piece of that. He didn't ask me to overcompensate or take care of him - I did that on my own. So, I can't resent him for doing something he didn't ask of me. I should have treated him like an adult along time ago - but, I didn't know how to do that. As I've said before, I've never been in a healthy family environment, so I'm not sure what that would look like? BUT, like you - I kept telling myself that something was wrong with him - is he depressed? bi-polar? did something tragic happen when he was young? what is it?? It just didn't make sense. Now I realize it is alcholism - and I am totally at the mercy of God and people who know more than me and my ability to learn from them. He knows he's an A - I know he does - he's as much as said it...but, he's not ready to do anything about it. and I still struggle so with these boundaries. What is the ultimate boundary? a divorce, right? So, if you're not quite ready to make that decision, what are the in-between boundaries? And is that a joke, since he probably 'thinks' I'd never divorce him? Can there be such a thing as the in between boundaries? You would think for being the daughter of a psychologist, a sister of a recovered addict, and the sister of a surviver of sexual abuse I would have caught on to this manipulation business, but like we said earlier...I'm slow
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Old 09-13-2004, 12:20 PM
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all - this is a great thread - good information and laughs at the same time. how much more can you ask for? thanks!

cwohio

peaches - the codie statement made me chuckle out loud - they're going to think i am having too much fun at work!
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Old 09-13-2004, 12:32 PM
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Let's see...ultimate boundary. I suppose that would be a divorce, but even that would not severe the ties (esp with kids involved - we don't have any). I think for me, to get a divorce (and not just separate), I have to leave the relationship knowing that I did everything I could and he has no hope of recovery - neither of which I believe at this stage. For me, I know it would hurt more to leave, than to stay - but I preface this on the assumption that he becomes a pleasant drunk (no more name calling, etc) and he doesn't give up on himself or his recovery. I think there are in between boundaries - deciding what you will and won't tolerate and then deciding (as journeygal and paulie said previously) what you will do if he acts in a way you won't tolerate. For me, if my AH acts in ways that I won't tolerate, he has to move out.
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Old 09-13-2004, 12:56 PM
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Peaches, I love the line " we feel like we have to make super duper sure ...that we made ourselves clear...so that when we follow through - we don't have to feel guilty. "

Boy is that me in a heartbeat. Today I try to remember that actions speak louder than words. Sometimes it works and sometimes my mouth just takes over still! Great post, thanks.
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Old 09-13-2004, 01:09 PM
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Hi. That's a good way to look at it and I'll think of that today too - actions speak louder than words. But, this time I'll be reflecting on myself, instead of yelling them at him next time he hurts me and tells me he loves me. And Gwenyth..I never thought of making him leave, other than divorce. Maybe that's a good boundary to start with. I spend so much time worrying about what he's going to say or do... reacting. This soul searching is tiring business
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Old 09-13-2004, 02:26 PM
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but I do know that you can't ultimatum, threaten, beg, promise, whatever word you want to use, you cannot force someone into staying clean.
An active H is not concerned with consequences I can promise you that.
Good stuff Paulie!
The only thing left is what to do about me. How can I protect myself? How can I create a healthy lifestyle? What boundaries will I set up to continue a relationship that has limits to what I want to be involved in? What will I do if those boundaries are violated? How can I continue to love and respect the person without putting my own needs aside? How can I meet all these needs if the addict in my life isn't able or doesn't desire to change his or her ways? All our questions are answered with changes we can make. If they change all the better, but we can't count on that or control their behavior. We don't have the right to insist that another person change to meet our needs with the exception of legal issues. I can count on myself though. I can learn to practice healthy behavior on my end one step at a time.

My son is the addict in my life. He continues in his addiction, but my life is 200% better since I've worked on my boundaries and my behavior. We both have an understanding now of how we need to treat each other to maintain our relationship. There were some rocky adjustments to make for each of us in the beginning, but we have it ironed out now and I'm still learning.

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Old 09-13-2004, 04:14 PM
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What a great thread, you are ALL amazing. I have nothing to add except "thank you" for letting me watch recovery in action...right here!

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Old 09-13-2004, 09:26 PM
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I tried all the boundaries stuff and also ran amuck. What really is changing things for me is changing my reaction to his actions. My AH isn't getting the behavior from me that he has always expected. I am not acting as the hall monitor, mother, or any other authority figure. I do not react to his drinking. I ignore his tantrums. He is really busy trying new tactics to elict codie behavior. He flips from one to another in search of something that will give him what he wants. By the grace of my HP, I have weathered the storm and remained calm. While this originally threw him for a loop, he has now been sober for 5 days. Don't know if he will stay sober, but I am really liking the control I feel over my own feelings and behavior. I am feeling sane and safe and strong.
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Old 09-14-2004, 05:19 AM
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Don't kill yourself worrying about boundaries. They come as we begin to recover. It takes time. Focus on getting some tools from the Al-Anon program. Focus on learning to love yourself. The boundaries will begin to emerge. Don't try to eat the elephant in one bite. Take small bites. The elephant will get eaten.

I look at it like exercise for an extremely out of shape person. I can't run a marathon, but I can walk to the mail box. That short walk is the first step toward getting in shape. It's not where I'd like to be, but it's moving in the right direction. I don't lament the fact that I can't run 5k today. I celebrate that I am on the path to spiritual health. Sometimes we try to take on more than we can handle, and we fall short. That doesn't mean we quit,or that we haven't gotten better. We take stock, learn, and keep going. It's not as complicated as we try to make it. We just have to accept that it isn't going to happen overnight, but know that it will happen, and then it gets a little easier. Hugs, Magic
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Old 09-14-2004, 07:56 AM
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Words of wisdom, Magic. I should have also said that through the guidance of my HP and the support of the people at SR, I am learning, growing and changing a little bit every day.
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Old 09-14-2004, 07:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Magichappens
I look at it like exercise for an extremely out of shape person. I can't run a marathon, but I can walk to the mail box. That short walk is the first step toward getting in shape. It's not where I'd like to be, but it's moving in the right direction. I don't lament the fact that I can't run 5k today. I celebrate that I am on the path to spiritual health. Sometimes we try to take on more than we can handle, and we fall short. That doesn't mean we quit,or that we haven't gotten better. We take stock, learn, and keep going. It's not as complicated as we try to make it. We just have to accept that it isn't going to happen overnight, but know that it will happen, and then it gets a little easier. Hugs, Magic

Very well said Magic!
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