Peaches04

Hi. I've been reading these posts for a while and just now have had the ability or courage to send my own thread. I just came out of denial that my H is an alcholic. We've been together 10 yrs and married 6 with 2 small children. He is not a fall down type - yet. But, he definately has the behavior - the selfishness, many job changes, no stability, volatility, emmotional abuse (not physical - yet). But, I think since 99% of the time you wouldn't even know he was drunk if you didn't know him, I have been able to deny it. But, he drinks every night - I have been practicing detachment - and I have seen so many things that before I just did NOT see - it's very strange. We are in counseling and he is in his own counseling, but I don't think he is ready to admit he's an A. so, I'm trying so hard to do all the things you are supposed to. I keep reading and reading and reading the co-dependancy books just praying some of it will seep into my subconcious. I've been doing really good and have been quite happy lately. But, then something happens and I just feel like the old me and I have just been tricking myself into thinking I can do this... does anyone else ever feel that way. I hope it's just because this is such a new way of thinking for me. I have hope for me still, but not so much for US. Plus, I grew up in an emotionally abusive home (dad), so I worry so much about my children and the impact the tension will have on them.

Magichappens

((Peaches))
Sounds like most people I know in recovery. We all have good and bad times. The key for me was to get in touch with others going through this. The support in the bad times, and the reaffirmation in the good, help me to continue. Reaching out is a big step. It takes time to heal from the many years we spent hurting. With the tools that we can learn from programs like Al-Anon, literature for codependency, and the support from others going through similar situations, we do get better.

Don't give up. We all go through periods of doubt, fear, frustration, etc. But we can experience a lot of serenity too. Keep reaching out. Feel free to post, reply, or just browse. You aren't alone. Hugs, Magic

Peaches04

Thank you Magic. I've been reading all these and I am amazed at so many people just like me. I went to my first alanon meeting and just sat there and cried the whole time like a lunatic. Thank God my sister went with me. I have so much pain and anger - I know we all do - and I feel like a shell of the person I used to be. I used to have firm boundaries and didn't put up with any crap from anyone i dated..and vowed never to after watching my dad treat my mom that way. I'm financially well off alone - don't need him for anything really. I just don't know how I got to where I am. But, now I have 2 children to think about, so they are the only reason I keep trying. But, now that I am trying something new - maybe something will change. In counseling with him, I did tell him that he either has to work on this problem, or I am going to get a divorce. We left it with the counselor that he has to call and make our next appt and want help, or else I will call her and make one for just me and then I will do what it takes to be strong enough to leave. That's my plan anyway. I like other stories I have read, see my friends and their spouses happy and doing things together, like we used to - and having special holidays (mine are always a complete disaster now) - and I just think you know - I deserve that. Everyone does...

Lang79

Just wanted to let you know your in my thoughts and prayers.
Stay Strong for yourself and your children, and keep praying. God knows how much we can handle.
Monica

cwohio

peaches - i am fairly new to the recovery arena myself and i understand what you mean. i am trying to practice detachment, letting go, but since our behavior has been ingrained in us for so long, it's almost like we have to be "de-programmed".

hang in there - you sound like you are doing the right things for you and your kids!

hugs - cwohio

Peaches04

Hi CWOHIO and Lang79....


CW - you may be just where I am now. I will share something funny - ironic, but funny to me none the less. I really have been feeling better. I've been seeing my friends and family alot more and becoming much more independent. Some days I feel like my old self. Well, the other night my husband said "I don't know what you're doing, but you do seem to be much happier. What do you think it is?". And I said "You'd be surprised at how much of other people's pain I've been carrying around". And he said "oh my gosh! I knew it...I knew there was more to the way you act and what is wrong with you! I knew you didn't just act the way you do for no reason - that is was something deeper, with your past or somethig and I'm glad you're starting to realize it!"...I just sat there blank faced. The irony! Couldn't possibly be anything at all to do with him! AND then the final irony...I told him I was going to an Alanon meeting and he said.....are you ready....
here it is.....
"Do I have time to run to the beer store real quick?".... LOL

Gwenyth

Does he understand what alanon is? That you are attending b/c of him? That is a bizarre request...my AH use to encourage me to go to alanon, so that he could be alone and drink (and I just thought he was being supportive!). Alcoholism is such a strange disease!

Peaches04

Isn't it bizarre? Yes, he understands exactly what it is... I guess you could say that it is just that part of the disease that is "nonsense". Just doesn't make sense!! But, at least today I could laugh instead of cry...and not a synical laugh. I told my sister and we were both in tears from a gut busting laugh! There are so many things about this disease that don't make sense. My sister is a recovered addict from college (sober 16 years now) - so she gives me ALOT of insight. But, even after going through all this with her, this seems different. One, he's my husband and my children's father and I can't just make him get out of my life for good. He'll always be tied to me because of the children in some shape or form. But, two - I can logically grasp a drug addiction and the behavior - the paranoia, the going up and coming down, - but this alcholism is so weird. Mine can be even worse when he's not drinking sometimes and the behavior is so erratic. That's why I think I was in denial for so long. I thought he was stressed or .... you know the long list of justifications. But, now I'm starting to 'get it'. I'm on to this behavior. The more detached I get, the more I see. And it is frightening!

wildflower

Peaches, I new to recovery also, and just wanted you to know I feel similar to the way you feel. But, yes I believe we can change and even though it feels shakey and new for us, we can always turn to those who have more experience here at this site. When the though goes through you mind about can I really change...just feel it and then let it go. Have you read Codependant No More? It is really saving my life. I am trying to find an Al-anon meeting in my area and know that I need that as well. Your in my prayers!

Peaches04

Hi wildflower...I have read Codependent No More and thought it was extremely enlightening! I am also reading "the language of letting go" and like it equally as well. I'm doing anything at all I think will help me. I've got that detachment think so well down, it scares me. I think I may detach myself right out of caring about him at all. Which is probably bad too - but, I'm just stumbling my way through all of this. Last night I found out my Aunt, who I am quite close too, went to ICU and i was really upset. He was watching the football game with his buddies, and I was glad - in a way. He got home and found out and was trying to console me and I just kept walking all over the house trying to get away...I didn't even want to be near him and hear his 'wisdom' and consolation after I'm sure he had had God knows how many beers... ugh!! I was trying to decide if I was being a codie by just trying to escape or if I should have just said "you know - you've been drinking and I really don't want to share this with you right now"...and that would have been the codie thing to do? or would that have been just being honest? I have no idea - but, I went with the illision of I had so many important things to do in each and every room in our house until he just gave up I guess

cwohio

i really need to get that book - i've heard too many good things about it. the thought patterns do not make any sense in the a so we just have got to stop trying to figure out where they are coming from because we just won't ever get there.

we'll all struggle along and get better at being our new "selves" but i'm a slow learner when it comes to this non-tangible stuff. :doh:

cwohio

Peaches04

I hear ya...and it sounds like you might have my issue with the nonsense. Sometimes my AH blows up over things and then he starts accusing me of things that just don't even make sense. And I'm so confused and spinning about where in the world he's coming from and how he could possibly have that view - I don't realize - it's nonsense. It's insanity! It's his way of taking me off focus and spiraling me down to his level. Our counselor told me that in an alcholic relationship the alcholic 'acts' and we 'react'. That hits the nail on the head for me. He does something, then I react, and so it goes.... So, I've tried - and God, it's so hard - to stop 'reacting'. But, now I kind of am feeling like when I don't it just makes me 'open season' for the verbal abuse. But, I have noticed that at least now I don't feel bad or guilty or like I wish 'I wouldn't have said that...". Now, I just walk away when I realize it's just nonsense, and I dismiss it as soon as the words come out of his mouth. or try to!

Peaches04

And one last thing CWOhio - we are all SLOW learners. That is my inside joke with me and my sisters... we may be slow, but we get there! I don't know if you had seen my post before, but when I finally broke down and told my family my AH was an alcholic, they all were like "yeah, we know". haha! But, I will say this - I am learning so many new healthy things. My sisters and I talk about how some people are just healthy and don't think the way we do at all. And it really is de-programming, as someone mentioned earlier. So, I am just embracing the new knowledge and learning so much from everyone here. Thank God (my HP for me) that we were able to take the first step!