armartin

I had commented on Wednesday that I had applied for an apartment. Then the weekend hit, AH agreed to move in with a friend for at least a month. Which, for now, I'll take that and won't settle for more than at least 3.
I'm going to meet with my counselor this week so she can help me set some ground rules for this living arrangement. The last thing I really want to do is file a TRO b/c I think it'll set him off the deep end... but that is going to be part of my safety plan. If you cannot follow through with x, x, and x... then a TRO will be filed.

I feel numb, empty. Is that okay/normal? I just don't even know what I feel anymore.

LexieCat

I would say NOTHING to him about a TRO. Zip, nada. This is YOUR safety plan and if you give it to the person you need safety FROM, you are making a big mistake.

You know that I think you should get the order anyway. He still has the right to come into your home if he takes it into his head to do that. In addition, the longer you wait the harder it is to convince the court that you need the order. If you think you're going to file it only if he refuses to get treatment or go to AA, for example, the court will just see this as a way to coerce him into treatment. I'd get it now, while you still have fresh grounds for it.

It's kind of like waiting for it to rain before you fix a leaky roof. By then, the damage is done.

biminiblue

Yeah, I wouldn't give him any leeway to come and go. If he's moving out, he would need to take his stuff and then I would have the locks changed.

Lilro

^^^^ unfortunately, it's not that simple^^^^

Legally she cannot at this time change the locks..

biminiblue

Okay, lilro. Let's try this (like I said above...) I would change the locks if someone moved out. I think it's my right in my own home. If he owns the house and moves out, I still would change the locks. Let the chips fall where they may.

Lilro

^^ I hear you Bim^^.

Hawkeye13

I think this is a bad idea--if he can come in the house legally,
and you are thinking about not getting a protective order,
you will not be safe.

I would still consider moving, otherwise
you really don't have control of the situation any longer.
He "may" stay gone for a month, or may not.
What if he gets drunk and obnoxious and his friend kicks him out?

Many holes in this new plan--please review with therapist
and the DV people before doing it

armartin

I did email my counselor for an appointment this week....

armartin

My concerns are that I don't have enough time to get the things out of the house that I want/need---which I suppose is where a TRO comes in, to keep him away until I get it all moved.

I am also worried that he will not pay the mortgage or the bills if I move out... and I am, of course, still financially responsible for the house payment and utilities.

Someone also mentioned they would be concerned that he would start destroying the home.

jjj111

armartin, have you spoken to a lawyer or a DV advocate or to the CPS gal yet? I think you need some help with planning this. It kind of sounds like you're getting lost in your fears about how things will unfold. From my perspective as a complete outsider, being afraid of him going off the deep end is not a good reason to avoid taking out a TRO. In fact, your fear of him is exactly WHY you should take out the TRO. You can't manage his blowups by accommodating him--he will blow up periodically anyway. And Lexie is right, the longer you wait, the less the gun incident will be seen as a legit reason for a TRO--so you'll be left waiting for his next blowup. Not a fun place to be!

Hawkeye13

Well, you need to tighten your belt and get the restraining order then. . .
Your life is more important than stuff, but I understand you want to protect
your assets.

You need to be able to call the cops if he shows up drunk and change the locks
if you are going to stay in the house at a minimum.
If that takes a TRO, please get it

armartin

I'm fine with changing the locks... and if he wants to make an issue of that, I'll deal with it then.
We also have a security system and I will be teaching my daughter how to use the panic button and where it is located.
I need to get on it and get on the phone with these professionals so I can get some guidance here...

Berrybean

Are there ways of securing the doors from the inside without changing the locks? My yale lock has a security latch that stops it being unlocked with a key from the outside while it's clicked up. Or just some good old fashioned bolts.

You'll probably sleep much easier if he can't just 'drop in' unannounced any time he likes.

armartin

I've also thought about that... putting dowels in the sliding glass doors and then just doing the old-fashioned hotel locks on the doors.

Our security system also has alerts set up whenever a door is opened, and I will get a text. It can also trigger the alarm if I have it set (obviously...)

LexieCat

OK, first off, a TRO/final order can order ANY necessary relief, including child support, continuing to pay the utilities, mortgage, etc. It's all covered. If he fails to do it he's in contempt of court and the court can fine him, put him in jail, whatever is necessary.

Second, suppose he shows up, finds the doors locked, and proceeds to break a door or window to get in. You call the police, you have NO order, he hasn't threatened you (we'll suppose) and the police tell you, "It's his house, he has the right to come in and to break a lock if necessary to enter his own home."

Now you could probably get an order at that point, but do you really want the kids to have to go through that?

If you get the order now, and he shows up banging on the door you can call 911 and he can be arrested for even being at the house.

Just seems much simpler (and probably safer).

armartin

LexieCat, with that being said.... yes a TRO would be the far more peaceful way to handle all of this.

So.... I file the TRO. Do I then file for divorce?

jjj111

armartin, maybe take one thing at a time? Getting the TRO would be a huge step forward. Once that's done, you can enjoy the space and the peace and quiet while you consider what's next.

AnvilheadII

it seems like he needs to be out of the house before the rest happens, yes? so far all that has happened is he "agreed" to go stay with a friend.....if that is just TALK, then you are still at square one with him IN the house.

armartin

I am struggling with the idea of divorce. Because I want one, I have wanted one for a long, long time---to get out of his control, walking on eggshells, making our lives hell just holding our breath waiting for the next anger explosion to take place.

He wants us to reconcile in 30 days and I told him we would have to evaluate at that time, no promises, no giving any signs of hope. Is it even possible? I don't think I will even entertain the idea of it being possible for me... maybe out of resentment, maybe out of hurt, probably out of both.

The most important thing the CPS investigator told me is... its YOUR job to protect your kids. And I'm taking that very, very seriously. I grew up in a home where there was chaos and anger and emotional abuse all.the.time. My parents are still together living that pattern. And I always told myself.... that ends with me, I cannot have my kids living that way. I will not. They don't deserve it. Heck, I remember being pregnant bawling and saying I'm so sorry to my unborn baby because AH was being his normal angry abusive self.

Hawkeye13

Lexie is right--the RO is the smartest thing you can do right now.
jjj makes a good point that you don't have to file for divorce just
because you took out the order.
You will have some time and space to think it over,
and also to see what he does about getting serious about recovery from alcoholism
and dealing with his violence issues.
If he's done this for years, chances are he won't change, unfortunately. . .

Anvil has noted another important issue--
you do need to work with the DV people to make sure
you are safe as possible during this whole process.
It is more likely than not he will drink again and then what happens?

Don't feel bad amartin--what he did that night was absolutely
unacceptable and it is a good thing your child spoke up to protect herself.
You do have to make sure the kids are proactively protected.
CPS made that clear--you are putting their interests first.

Of course this part is difficult, but it will get easier.
How "secure" is that security system if he installed it, by the way?
Can he override pass codes or tamper with it physically?

You might want to check with the company and find out about this
rather than assume it will be adequate.
I'm sorry you have to deal with such a hard situation, but again,
his actions brought about these consequences--not yours.