jjj111

It sounds like you know you want to divorce but you're afraid to tell him. Getting the TRO will be a huge step in the right direction. You might be surprised what a relief it will be to have no contact with him for a while, and how much it will clear your head and allow you to plan the divorce.

armartin

He STILL won't take ownership of the last incident with the gun, the threats, the extreme anger explosion.

My mom spanked (more like tapped) our son on the behind, he is 2, because he was being a stinker... as most 2 year olds are. So he saved up that anger until the next day and thats when it all went down.

"But I sided with her" so its still partially my fault....

Hawkeye13

You know, living a life in fear of the person who is supposed to love and protect us
must be incredibly painful armartin. . .

It sounds like you are terrified of him and his reactions--which is very understandable,
but life is just too short to live as a victim to a spouse's
exploding anger. It really is.
And that's not even with the kids figured in. . . you are right--it needs to stop here.
He will blame and bluster and blow up, but you are stronger because you
are a mother protecting her kids and you will come out this situation
tough as nails and wiser for the experience.

Have you called the DV people yet?

ladyscribbler

Have you read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft? I found so much out about my ex's tactics from that book. His "explosion" has nothing to do with your mom, your son or you. He explodes periodically because it keeps everyone toeing the line and catering to him. He escalates the explosions when he feels he's losing control. And I think that "explodes" is the wrong choice of words. It implies a lack or loss of control on his part. His behavior is way more calculated than that.
I know how scary the thought of telling him something he doesn't want to hear feels. It's like a boulder of dread in the pit of your stomach. I lived in constant fear of my ex's reactions to everything. But that's why you need to take the steps to protect yourself. Staying where you are isn't going to make things better, however much you tiptoe around him. Him quitting drinking isn't going to make things better, because his underlying sense of entitlement is still going to be there.

armartin

I have the book, but have only read a little bit... I will pick it up tonight. But what you said makes PERFECT sense!! How do these abusers learn this behavior?