Wisconsin

I certainly agree that she shouldn't HAVE to leave, but she also can't MAKE him leave at this point absent some sort of protective order or a temporary order from a divorce proceeding giving her exclusive use of the marital residence. So if she wants to get away from him (which, in my opinion anyway, should be the top priority), she has to be prepared to leave.

HHTexas

Thanks for all of the feedback. Counseling appt tomorrow. He's being really sweet (probably senses something is off). Trying to make it through the work week, confront on Friday and off to stay with family. Hopefully he will vacate over the weekend. Why is this so hard?? I am angry but I should be furious!!! It's like he's living a double life.

Please tell me that husbands that TRULY love their wives don't pull this crap.

AnvilheadII

do you really need us to say that??? the most important thing is what YOU think you DESERVE in a partner...what you WANT in a partner....what you treasure and hold dear, your own set of values, morals and ethics. those should not change or be sacrificed.

Hawkeye13

husbands that TRULY love their wives don't pull this crap
especially over and over

dandylion

HHTexas.......he doesn't have the CAPACITY to give you what your need in a relationship.
Now....we could write a book on all of the possible reasons why.....
But, what good would it do....even if you knew all the reasons, you couldn't "fix" them.

The bottom line will always remain the same, no matter how you cut it.....you have suffered and you are still suffering......It is your responsibility to do whatever you have to do to end your suffering.....as there is no other way.

Of course you are angry/hurt/sad/.....you are human, aren't you.

Here is the deal....you are going to go through and process a lot of different emotions in the weeks and months to come. A keledoscope of emotions.

It is the short-term p ain for the long-term gain......

dandylion

LexieCat

I'd consult a lawyer first thing and find out the likelihood of being allowed to maintain possession of the house pending separation/divorce. If it's likely you'd be granted possession within a reasonable amount of time, you might be able to spare yourself and your kids the stress and hassle of moving.

Refiner

He's a PIG.

Nope they don't. But cheating PIGS do. Then get all SWEET when they detect you're on to them.

SparkleKitty

I'll go you one better. People that truly love THEMSELVES are the only people capable of loving others in a way that is respectful, honest, and genuine. So the fact that he makes such terrible choices and has done SO MANY THINGS that have been hurtful to his family doesn't have anything to do with you. It's all about his own lack of self worth.

You don't have to settle for this. Neither do your kids.

Yoga

No, no I certainly wouldn't think so.

minime13

People who are capable of truly loving their wives don't do this. He's not even capable of truly loving himself so in no way is he capable of giving the love you need in a marriage.

Regardless of his capabilities, it's not okay treatment. The tricky part here is to keep in mind that it isn't a personal reflection of yourself, but you should take it as personally as you need to in order to motivate yourself to take steps to make changes that will help you.

I agree with a lot of others on this post - I don't think you need to specifically confront him about this lie. That confrontation has already happened before, and he knows it isn't acceptable. He shouldn't get another opportunity to duck and dodge and then push the blame back on you (for what, snooping around and not trusting him when he obviously hasn't proven himself to be trustworthy to begin with?). You know how that's gonna go. Don't put yourself through that, because you are only giving him an opportunity to talk you out of leaving.

Get your temporary arrangements lined up, and go. No need to confront. Just tell him you're moving out, and this is why. Then go.

DesertEyes

Good heavens. Never mind the marriage vows, it's just common decency to _not_ lie and _not_ cheat. Most guys don't cheat on their _girlfriends_, even without marriage vows.

To betray the trust that has been placed in us runs counter to the most fundamental principles that define who we are. We don't need to wear a cowboy hat or medieval armor to know that our word and our honor are the values we must maintain at all costs.

Mike

Liveitwell

^^ exactly. Common decency to not lie to a spouse....honor and morals. Words actually meaning actions. Integrity. ALL of these things are what alcoholics lack, period. Which is why they make such crappy partners....because their honor and loyalty is to the bottle...or whatever else they've made their God.

Liveitwell

I just read sparkles response-spot on. Those that cheat or abuse or lie constantly or treat their families like crap are the problem-them. Yes, it hurts like hell bc it's being done to you-but it is truly a reflection of them. Not you. I know from experience that I couldn't truly love until I loved myself-and found my worth - our worth is not defined by others and can't be found in another woman (sex), or addiction (alcohol, porn, cheating)-it comes from our higher power. Until he finds that, he will continue to act like a selfish pig bc he's solely living to make himself feel better and USING others and substances to fill the void in himself. My humble two cents.

norashepard

I know we are strangers, and do not mean to be presumptuous, but: do not confront him. I gather from his thread that you have confronted him multiple times, and that he has promised to be better and has not. How many years has he been an A and a cheater, with all his problems ruling your life? He has failed you, your child, and your marriage. If you confront him, you only give him another chance to manipulate you into thinking he will be better, as clearly you love him still and want to believe in him. Many substance abusers lament that they waited 20, 30, 40 years to recover from addictions. Many people in failing marriages, some finally divorcing after 20 of 30 years of misery (with some "good times" now and again to keep it going, or shiny memories of the better early years), feel the same way. And many people in toxic/manipulative/co-dep/abusive relationships need a similar amount of time, patience, treatment to recover. You will need to recover from this toxic relationship, and that will take time, but far less time lost--YEARS lost--than if you talk to him, and, by some miracle of manipulation, he convinces you to wait. Surely he has his bag of tricks. You cannot waste any more time on him. Don't give him another word.

ubntubnt

Here is my advice.

First thing first, decide whether you want to stay with him or not and what you want from this whole sorry situation. Secondly, do not confront him at this point. Write out the facts as clearly as you can and then seek legal advice. Use the legal advice to develop your plan/strategy and act accordingly.

What good is another argument going to do and you need less emotion not more at this critical time. You need to act smart, you need to be organised and disciplined and you need to be ruthless to get what you feel is best for you and your daughter. You don't need to like him, resent him, hate him or anything else at this stage. What you need is to decide what is best, what you want and to get yourself organised and on a sound legal footing that you can defend at a later stage if you need to.

HHTexas

Things I did today..

Confided in a friend that divorced a cheater (also had a young son)

Opened a secret checking account

Composed and printed my letter

Prayed for strength, wisdom and discernment

Read through my old posts-ermagerd

Tomorrow-

Looking at 1 more apartment over lunch break

Packing overnight bags for self, son and dog (ha)

Having the Big Talk

He was asking lots of "everything ok?" questions tonight, giving positive attention. Felt kinda sad until he came home from store and told me to fck off and for DS to leave him alone. In a bad mood because I'm "in a bad mood all week." Lol. Wonder why?! Talk about a sign from God.

Lilro

DO NOT let him twist this around on you!

Sounds like you are moving in the right direction.. I hope that you find the strength to see it thru. You deserve do much more than he has given you, your son included.

Ro

Bekindalways

Lots of prayers for you and your family HH.

I hope tomorrow goes absolutely as smoothly as possiblel. Keep breathing and taking the best care possible of yourself.

dandylion

HH Texas.......Good for you! Like Lilro said.....don't let him turn this around on you...
Keep your HEAD in charge (your heart can't be trusted, now).
I suggest that you take an index card and write the worst things about this relationship and keep it o n your person.
Remember that he is going to lie when you have the Big Talk.....and, probably try to blame you for everything......Expect it. Keep it as short and to the point as possible......

dandylion

FeelingGreat

Great list considering you only found out a few days ago and are still in shock. You may be on auto, but you're getting it done.