How do I practice tough love with my mother?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
How do I practice tough love with my mother?
Hi, I'm a 45-year old codependent and 10-year sober alcoholic who is grateful for the various 12-step programs that have helped me through difficult times (AA, CoDA, Al-Anon and SLAA). This is why I get so frustrated when I see my family members being ravaged by the disease of addiction, and when I know how healthy and happy they could be if they would just trust in the program!
Anyway, here's my situation:
I travelled far to visit my nearly 70-year old mother this Christmas. I found her unwell. She was bloated, her face looked gray, her legs and ankles were grotesquely swollen, and she had gained even more weight. She was also drinking more than usual (red wine starting at noon and vodka at 5pm). Her contractor and housekeeper told me that that she had been falling. My mother wouldn't admit it to me. The last time, she fell, she broke the dishwasher door.
She says she goes to a doctor, but I don't believe it. She is very sedentary, quit smoking last year (due to possible lung disease and inability to breathe) and she isolates. My brothers and I have all distanced ourselves from her, as she can get quite toxic. If given the opportunity, she tries to get over-involved in our lives.
But on this trip, she acted loving and sweet. I had the feeling this might be the last time I would see her. Then, she admitted it. She said she wanted to find a place to lose weight and quit drinking. I was elated. I told her how wonderful I thought this was.
My sponsor warned me that she would change her mind. Sure enough, the next day, my mother only spoke of going to go to a weight-loss place in Florida.
I decided not to argue with her. I didn't want to take control of her life. I figured: progress not perfection and any step towards health is good, and I should show support. I was disappointed though, and I didn't know how to broach the subject again.
Just before heading home, I said I hoped she would make good on her plan to take care of her health. She got mad at me, saying she was a private person, and she didn't want people getting involved in her life. She said she felt I didn't have faith in her ability to take care of herself. She said that AA might be for some people, but not for everyone. I told her that 12-step programs are proven to work and are in place in any reputable rehab center. I told her that I had gotten sober without AA, but turned to it later when my life became unmanageable, when my addiction spread to my love relationships. I told her I had faith in her intelligence and ability to do the right thing once she decided to do it.
I was left feeling resentful and that she had manipulated me with her loving behavior.
I guess my question is: what can I do to stop enabling her? Should I threaten to no longer visit her if she doesn't quit because she can be so toxic? I fear she may die soon from lung or heart failure or from a stroke. It's a tough one. She loves seeing her grandchildren (she has 7 of them). My brothers are also at wits ends and tired of her negativity. Any advice would be welcome!
Anyway, here's my situation:
I travelled far to visit my nearly 70-year old mother this Christmas. I found her unwell. She was bloated, her face looked gray, her legs and ankles were grotesquely swollen, and she had gained even more weight. She was also drinking more than usual (red wine starting at noon and vodka at 5pm). Her contractor and housekeeper told me that that she had been falling. My mother wouldn't admit it to me. The last time, she fell, she broke the dishwasher door.
She says she goes to a doctor, but I don't believe it. She is very sedentary, quit smoking last year (due to possible lung disease and inability to breathe) and she isolates. My brothers and I have all distanced ourselves from her, as she can get quite toxic. If given the opportunity, she tries to get over-involved in our lives.
But on this trip, she acted loving and sweet. I had the feeling this might be the last time I would see her. Then, she admitted it. She said she wanted to find a place to lose weight and quit drinking. I was elated. I told her how wonderful I thought this was.
My sponsor warned me that she would change her mind. Sure enough, the next day, my mother only spoke of going to go to a weight-loss place in Florida.
I decided not to argue with her. I didn't want to take control of her life. I figured: progress not perfection and any step towards health is good, and I should show support. I was disappointed though, and I didn't know how to broach the subject again.
Just before heading home, I said I hoped she would make good on her plan to take care of her health. She got mad at me, saying she was a private person, and she didn't want people getting involved in her life. She said she felt I didn't have faith in her ability to take care of herself. She said that AA might be for some people, but not for everyone. I told her that 12-step programs are proven to work and are in place in any reputable rehab center. I told her that I had gotten sober without AA, but turned to it later when my life became unmanageable, when my addiction spread to my love relationships. I told her I had faith in her intelligence and ability to do the right thing once she decided to do it.
I was left feeling resentful and that she had manipulated me with her loving behavior.
I guess my question is: what can I do to stop enabling her? Should I threaten to no longer visit her if she doesn't quit because she can be so toxic? I fear she may die soon from lung or heart failure or from a stroke. It's a tough one. She loves seeing her grandchildren (she has 7 of them). My brothers are also at wits ends and tired of her negativity. Any advice would be welcome!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I had to accept that my mother has every right to live exactly as she chooses. Trying to control her was as bad as enabling.
The only thing you can control here is you. What is acceptable for you? Do you want to spend time with her? If so, under what circumstances? Is she good with your kids? Does she model behavior in front of them that you want them to learn from, or do you worry your kids learn things from her you don't want them to think is normal? You have to make choices in your own best interests and that of your kids, who have fewer options for managing their own life. If being around her turns you into a crazy person, that is no good for anyone. Only you can decide what is acceptable and healthy for you, and trying to make your mother be someone she isn't is not only not going to work, it will hurt you in the process.
The only thing you can control here is you. What is acceptable for you? Do you want to spend time with her? If so, under what circumstances? Is she good with your kids? Does she model behavior in front of them that you want them to learn from, or do you worry your kids learn things from her you don't want them to think is normal? You have to make choices in your own best interests and that of your kids, who have fewer options for managing their own life. If being around her turns you into a crazy person, that is no good for anyone. Only you can decide what is acceptable and healthy for you, and trying to make your mother be someone she isn't is not only not going to work, it will hurt you in the process.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
Isn't it strange how hope can become a painful thing.
Congrats on all the work you have done on yourself.
Instead of thinking about threatening her to get her to change could you think about what is best for you and your kids in the situation? Can you figure out how you would finish this sentence: "I love you Mom and I need ____(fill in blank)____ if I come visit you." I'm not sure you need to even say this sentence; just figure out what you need.
Congrats on all the work you have done on yourself.
Instead of thinking about threatening her to get her to change could you think about what is best for you and your kids in the situation? Can you figure out how you would finish this sentence: "I love you Mom and I need ____(fill in blank)____ if I come visit you." I'm not sure you need to even say this sentence; just figure out what you need.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I am sorry for what you are going through. There is a special heartbreak for daughters who watch their mothers in that situation. My mother passed away almost four years ago at age 63, after decades of terrible health caused by her poor lifestyle choices. She was not an alcoholic, or a drug addict, but she was morbidly obese for as long as I could remember, with all the attendant health problems. She was almost completely housebound for the last three years of her life, and completely bedridden for the final year.
I agree that there is absolutely nothing you can control here. No amount of tough love will make your mother choose to take care of herself. I also agree that your best course of action is to decide what types of contact and involvement with her will preserve your own serenity. ((HUGS))
I agree that there is absolutely nothing you can control here. No amount of tough love will make your mother choose to take care of herself. I also agree that your best course of action is to decide what types of contact and involvement with her will preserve your own serenity. ((HUGS))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
My mom drank and smoked herself to an early death.
Nothing I did or said could stop it.
She was perfectly willing to ruin my health and marriage
as I ran myself ragged as a co-dependent caregiver / rescuer for years.
I thought it was my job, and I owed her every effort to "save" her from her bad choices.
I learned the hard way that
her life was hers to live as she chose.
I only really accepted that after her death, however. . .
What I learned from my experience was that we are impacted by how
we grew up in ways we we may never fully realize.
I'm a recovering alcoholic just like you--I grew up with it, and
it's what I viewed as "normal" in terms of how to deal with difficulty.
I also learned to be a great controlling co-dependent who put way too
much energy into trying to "manage" my mother's life and drinking
because she was destroying her health and life.
I should have been paying better attention to my own
as I was slipping into my own alcoholism and bad health choices
from the stress, and from not staying on my side of the street.
But the most useful lesson for me of all was to accept the fact she had the right
to live life on her own terms, and that I didn't have the right to manipulate her to do what I wanted.
The take away which may help you:
Love her from a distance, visit her if you feel like doing so, and respect her choices.
If she chooses to ask for help, by all means help her if you want to, but if she doesn't,
try and find some peace within yourself to allow that to be.
It isn't easy, I know, but ultimately that's the only real choice you have.
Take care--this is tough stuff but you can grow from it with honest work.
Nothing I did or said could stop it.
She was perfectly willing to ruin my health and marriage
as I ran myself ragged as a co-dependent caregiver / rescuer for years.
I thought it was my job, and I owed her every effort to "save" her from her bad choices.
I learned the hard way that
her life was hers to live as she chose.
I only really accepted that after her death, however. . .
What I learned from my experience was that we are impacted by how
we grew up in ways we we may never fully realize.
I'm a recovering alcoholic just like you--I grew up with it, and
it's what I viewed as "normal" in terms of how to deal with difficulty.
I also learned to be a great controlling co-dependent who put way too
much energy into trying to "manage" my mother's life and drinking
because she was destroying her health and life.
I should have been paying better attention to my own
as I was slipping into my own alcoholism and bad health choices
from the stress, and from not staying on my side of the street.
But the most useful lesson for me of all was to accept the fact she had the right
to live life on her own terms, and that I didn't have the right to manipulate her to do what I wanted.
The take away which may help you:
Love her from a distance, visit her if you feel like doing so, and respect her choices.
If she chooses to ask for help, by all means help her if you want to, but if she doesn't,
try and find some peace within yourself to allow that to be.
It isn't easy, I know, but ultimately that's the only real choice you have.
Take care--this is tough stuff but you can grow from it with honest work.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
Its up to your mother to decide what kind of medical care and support she needs. She is correct, AA and 12 step programs are not for everyone and they have debatable success. A growing number of rehabs are now utilizing other approaches. It is something you like, but I would look deeply at your motives if you plan to cut her out and consider it enabling if she.doesnt follow your idea of what will work for her. Poor behavior towards you is a reason to stop contact if you choose. Cutting off contact because she fails to seek any help is your option if its too emotional for you.
If it were me, Id encourage positive signs of change and possibly one change will lead her to seek more lifestyle changes.
If it were me, Id encourage positive signs of change and possibly one change will lead her to seek more lifestyle changes.
Originally Posted by mamaplus2kids 
Hi, I'm a 45-year old codependent and 10-year sober alcoholic who is grateful for the various 12-step programs that have helped me through difficult times (AA, CoDA, Al-Anon and SLAA). This is why I get so frustrated when I see my family members being ravaged by the disease of addiction, and when I know how healthy and happy they could be if they would just trust in the program!
Anyway, here's my situation:
I travelled far to visit my nearly 70-year old mother this Christmas. I found her unwell. She was bloated, her face looked gray, her legs and ankles were grotesquely swollen, and she had gained even more weight. She was also drinking more than usual (red wine starting at noon and vodka at 5pm). Her contractor and housekeeper told me that that she had been falling. My mother wouldn't admit it to me. The last time, she fell, she broke the dishwasher door.
She says she goes to a doctor, but I don't believe it. She is very sedentary, quit smoking last year (due to possible lung disease and inability to breathe) and she isolates. My brothers and I have all distanced ourselves from her, as she can get quite toxic. If given the opportunity, she tries to get over-involved in our lives.
But on this trip, she acted loving and sweet. I had the feeling this might be the last time I would see her. Then, she admitted it. She said she wanted to find a place to lose weight and quit drinking. I was elated. I told her how wonderful I thought this was.
My sponsor warned me that she would change her mind. Sure enough, the next day, my mother only spoke of going to go to a weight-loss place in Florida.
I decided not to argue with her. I didn't want to take control of her life. I figured: progress not perfection and any step towards health is good, and I should show support. I was disappointed though, and I didn't know how to broach the subject again.
Just before heading home, I said I hoped she would make good on her plan to take care of her health. She got mad at me, saying she was a private person, and she didn't want people getting involved in her life. She said she felt I didn't have faith in her ability to take care of herself. She said that AA might be for some people, but not for everyone. I told her that 12-step programs are proven to work and are in place in any reputable rehab center. I told her that I had gotten sober without AA, but turned to it later when my life became unmanageable, when my addiction spread to my love relationships. I told her I had faith in her intelligence and ability to do the right thing once she decided to do it.
I was left feeling resentful and that she had manipulated me with her loving behavior.
I guess my question is: what can I do to stop enabling her? Should I threaten to no longer visit her if she doesn't quit because she can be so toxic? I fear she may die soon from lung or heart failure or from a stroke. It's a tough one. She loves seeing her grandchildren (she has 7 of them). My brothers are also at wits ends and tired of her negativity. Any advice would be welcome!
Anyway, here's my situation:
I travelled far to visit my nearly 70-year old mother this Christmas. I found her unwell. She was bloated, her face looked gray, her legs and ankles were grotesquely swollen, and she had gained even more weight. She was also drinking more than usual (red wine starting at noon and vodka at 5pm). Her contractor and housekeeper told me that that she had been falling. My mother wouldn't admit it to me. The last time, she fell, she broke the dishwasher door.
She says she goes to a doctor, but I don't believe it. She is very sedentary, quit smoking last year (due to possible lung disease and inability to breathe) and she isolates. My brothers and I have all distanced ourselves from her, as she can get quite toxic. If given the opportunity, she tries to get over-involved in our lives.
But on this trip, she acted loving and sweet. I had the feeling this might be the last time I would see her. Then, she admitted it. She said she wanted to find a place to lose weight and quit drinking. I was elated. I told her how wonderful I thought this was.
My sponsor warned me that she would change her mind. Sure enough, the next day, my mother only spoke of going to go to a weight-loss place in Florida.
I decided not to argue with her. I didn't want to take control of her life. I figured: progress not perfection and any step towards health is good, and I should show support. I was disappointed though, and I didn't know how to broach the subject again.
Just before heading home, I said I hoped she would make good on her plan to take care of her health. She got mad at me, saying she was a private person, and she didn't want people getting involved in her life. She said she felt I didn't have faith in her ability to take care of herself. She said that AA might be for some people, but not for everyone. I told her that 12-step programs are proven to work and are in place in any reputable rehab center. I told her that I had gotten sober without AA, but turned to it later when my life became unmanageable, when my addiction spread to my love relationships. I told her I had faith in her intelligence and ability to do the right thing once she decided to do it.
I was left feeling resentful and that she had manipulated me with her loving behavior.
I guess my question is: what can I do to stop enabling her? Should I threaten to no longer visit her if she doesn't quit because she can be so toxic? I fear she may die soon from lung or heart failure or from a stroke. It's a tough one. She loves seeing her grandchildren (she has 7 of them). My brothers are also at wits ends and tired of her negativity. Any advice would be welcome!
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