The recovery people can see
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 53
The recovery people can see
When I post stuff that RAH is doing, someone always asks if he is working the program. And he is. But is seems that something is just off. I think I figured it out.
RAH agreed to do some of the things I have on my 'big clean' list. I am not a freak about cleaning but do try and keep things nice.
This task usually takes me around 30 minutes and RAH was done in less than 10. Says to me that he doesn't get what takes me so long - implies that I am just slow.
I went to check what he had done and realized why it took only 10 minutes. RAH had only cleaned the surface of everything. I asked why he didn't clean the other stuff and his response:
Nobody will ever see those places, so why clean them?
I think this is how he is doing recovery. He is going to meetings, and reading and talking to his sponsor and doing charity work. He is doing the things that other people can see.
RAH is not doing the deep down cleaning of recovery. I realize what he has done so far has not been easy and will probably keep him sober. It will just never get him to the place where he can be my husband and connect with me the way he would need to in order to keep that relationship.
2016 is going to be tough. Thanks for hanging with me.
blue
RAH agreed to do some of the things I have on my 'big clean' list. I am not a freak about cleaning but do try and keep things nice.
This task usually takes me around 30 minutes and RAH was done in less than 10. Says to me that he doesn't get what takes me so long - implies that I am just slow.
I went to check what he had done and realized why it took only 10 minutes. RAH had only cleaned the surface of everything. I asked why he didn't clean the other stuff and his response:
Nobody will ever see those places, so why clean them?
I think this is how he is doing recovery. He is going to meetings, and reading and talking to his sponsor and doing charity work. He is doing the things that other people can see.
RAH is not doing the deep down cleaning of recovery. I realize what he has done so far has not been easy and will probably keep him sober. It will just never get him to the place where he can be my husband and connect with me the way he would need to in order to keep that relationship.
2016 is going to be tough. Thanks for hanging with me.
blue
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Originally Posted by bluetomato 
2016 is going to be tough. Thanks for hanging with me.
blue
blue
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 53
I am doing much better.
I had a few 1:1 sessions with MC who specializes in addiction and it helped so much. I told her that I thought we needed to discuss separation after the holidays. She doesn't think that he will ever be able to meet my expectations mostly because he doesn't want to.
I do things for me now. I ignore the looks and the snide comments. I am making plans.
I have a difficult time with trying to understand why he is the way he is. I have stopped in some respects, but not all....obviously.
I had a few 1:1 sessions with MC who specializes in addiction and it helped so much. I told her that I thought we needed to discuss separation after the holidays. She doesn't think that he will ever be able to meet my expectations mostly because he doesn't want to.
I do things for me now. I ignore the looks and the snide comments. I am making plans.
I have a difficult time with trying to understand why he is the way he is. I have stopped in some respects, but not all....obviously.
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 53
Dandylion - I know without a doubt the relationship as it exists today is not one that I can be in for much longer.
I am coming to the realization that RAH has never really wanted to be married to me but stayed because he couldn't make it on his own because of the alcohol.
Now that he is sober, he has that confidence that he doesn't need me any longer. I think that MC is the 'things people can see' stuff where he can say he did everything he could to save the marriage. In reality, he tells people about MC, he is engaged during the session but the minute we walk out and it is just the two of us, it is like it never happened.
I think the cleaning incident was a real eye opener for me. I am starting to view things with the mindset of 'why' is he doing this? Is he doing something because he wants to work on our relationship, or is he doing it because someone is watching. That little thing has been so amazing for me. All the little things that I thought were improvements...all happened when someone else was around. They were just for show. He can look at DD and say "you were in the house, did I treat your mother poorly?"
And I have to not care anymore. I have to do what is right for me. Each little piece gets me one step closer.
blue
I am coming to the realization that RAH has never really wanted to be married to me but stayed because he couldn't make it on his own because of the alcohol.
Now that he is sober, he has that confidence that he doesn't need me any longer. I think that MC is the 'things people can see' stuff where he can say he did everything he could to save the marriage. In reality, he tells people about MC, he is engaged during the session but the minute we walk out and it is just the two of us, it is like it never happened.
I think the cleaning incident was a real eye opener for me. I am starting to view things with the mindset of 'why' is he doing this? Is he doing something because he wants to work on our relationship, or is he doing it because someone is watching. That little thing has been so amazing for me. All the little things that I thought were improvements...all happened when someone else was around. They were just for show. He can look at DD and say "you were in the house, did I treat your mother poorly?"
And I have to not care anymore. I have to do what is right for me. Each little piece gets me one step closer.
blue
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Blue,
You need to follow your path. It sounds like it is not in your marriage.
The internal work of addiction recovery is the tough tough part. The surface stuff keeps you out of trouble. My H downright refuses to work with a counselor or AA to work on whatever spaghetti is snarled in his mind. That is his right too even if it frustrates me to no end.
As for the cleaning. My H and I still fight about it after 21 years married. I'm a deep cleaner and he's a surface cleaner. If we don't fight, the house can Sparkle. The trouble is we rarely agree on where the time and focus should be invested.
Take care of yourself!
You need to follow your path. It sounds like it is not in your marriage.
The internal work of addiction recovery is the tough tough part. The surface stuff keeps you out of trouble. My H downright refuses to work with a counselor or AA to work on whatever spaghetti is snarled in his mind. That is his right too even if it frustrates me to no end.
As for the cleaning. My H and I still fight about it after 21 years married. I'm a deep cleaner and he's a surface cleaner. If we don't fight, the house can Sparkle. The trouble is we rarely agree on where the time and focus should be invested.
Take care of yourself!
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Blue,
I am sorry that you are still struggling.
I "feel" those looks and snide comments, like a chill down my neck. My axh is still drinking so I didn't really have an option to live through his "recovery". I do sometimes feel sorry for myself that I am not with him, but when I see the spouses of addicts still battling I am grateful. As hard as it is living with and addict, it is just has hard to live with a recovering addict. Once again, it is always about them.
I do have to say it was the hardest thing I ever did in my life, separating after 34 years together. I do have regrets of what I did and said during my relationship, but that is behind me, and I own them.
Not sure I will ever have another relationship, and I am grateful that I loved someone and he "loved" me back. I do feel I have a new lease on life, to do the things God wanted me to do. Your post just reminds me that there still is a lot of pain living with addict, active or sober.
Hang in there Blue, you will know the right choice to make in your future. Hugs my friend!!
I am sorry that you are still struggling.
I "feel" those looks and snide comments, like a chill down my neck. My axh is still drinking so I didn't really have an option to live through his "recovery". I do sometimes feel sorry for myself that I am not with him, but when I see the spouses of addicts still battling I am grateful. As hard as it is living with and addict, it is just has hard to live with a recovering addict. Once again, it is always about them.
I do have to say it was the hardest thing I ever did in my life, separating after 34 years together. I do have regrets of what I did and said during my relationship, but that is behind me, and I own them.
Not sure I will ever have another relationship, and I am grateful that I loved someone and he "loved" me back. I do feel I have a new lease on life, to do the things God wanted me to do. Your post just reminds me that there still is a lot of pain living with addict, active or sober.
Hang in there Blue, you will know the right choice to make in your future. Hugs my friend!!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
This observation is absolutely brilliant!
Thanks for sharing it!
Originally Posted by bluetomato
Nobody will ever see those places, so why clean them?
I think this is how he is doing recovery. He is going to meetings, and reading and talking to his sponsor and doing charity work. He is doing the things that other people can see.
RAH is not doing the deep down cleaning of recovery. I realize what he has done so far has not been easy and will probably keep him sober. It will just never get him to the place where he can be my husband and connect with me the way he would need to in order to keep that relationship.
I think this is how he is doing recovery. He is going to meetings, and reading and talking to his sponsor and doing charity work. He is doing the things that other people can see.
RAH is not doing the deep down cleaning of recovery. I realize what he has done so far has not been easy and will probably keep him sober. It will just never get him to the place where he can be my husband and connect with me the way he would need to in order to keep that relationship.
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