How do I handle this...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 256
How do I handle this...
I need some advice. My AH's sponsor suggested I reach out to the local al-alon ladies, but I have yet to reconnect with them. (There is only 1 meeting in our area and the meetings were cancelled for christmas and new years eve.) So I am posting here for some advice....
Today things got bad with AH. He got drunk while I was gone with the kids and when I returned I blew up and I told him he needed to leave today. DD was at a friend's house and she did not need to see her Dad in this shape when she comes later. I ended up leaving with DS b/c AH started to yell at me, say bad things about me, etc. AH ended up getting a ride from friend to the local motel after I left. His sponsor was contacted (not by AH of course, he told me he was away-but by a friend I contacted.) Sponsor and AH are going to a meeting tomorrow AM. AH texted to say he was coming after meeting to get his car. I then contacted sponsor b/c I was worried he would bring AH here tomorrow and I have a b-day party planned. Sponsor said he would bring AH back to motel and leave AH and I to make later arrangements. When I asked how to do that, sponsor suggested I talk to Al-anon ladies, get counseling to get it all figured out. Which I agree, but what do I do in the meantime? Like this weekend?
I texted AH and said he was not welcomed, had stuff to do for DS's birthday party tomorrow with his friends here and we would talk after to make arrangements. He didn't like that and insists he will be at the house in the am to get his car. I know his sponsor will not bring him, and he just doesn't know that yet, but he may convince someone else to- at least not his family or close friends that I talked to today.
So how do I handle him getting his stuff? Suggestions? What do I do if he shows up in the middle of the kids party? Ignore him? Tell him to leave?
Today things got bad with AH. He got drunk while I was gone with the kids and when I returned I blew up and I told him he needed to leave today. DD was at a friend's house and she did not need to see her Dad in this shape when she comes later. I ended up leaving with DS b/c AH started to yell at me, say bad things about me, etc. AH ended up getting a ride from friend to the local motel after I left. His sponsor was contacted (not by AH of course, he told me he was away-but by a friend I contacted.) Sponsor and AH are going to a meeting tomorrow AM. AH texted to say he was coming after meeting to get his car. I then contacted sponsor b/c I was worried he would bring AH here tomorrow and I have a b-day party planned. Sponsor said he would bring AH back to motel and leave AH and I to make later arrangements. When I asked how to do that, sponsor suggested I talk to Al-anon ladies, get counseling to get it all figured out. Which I agree, but what do I do in the meantime? Like this weekend?
I texted AH and said he was not welcomed, had stuff to do for DS's birthday party tomorrow with his friends here and we would talk after to make arrangements. He didn't like that and insists he will be at the house in the am to get his car. I know his sponsor will not bring him, and he just doesn't know that yet, but he may convince someone else to- at least not his family or close friends that I talked to today.
So how do I handle him getting his stuff? Suggestions? What do I do if he shows up in the middle of the kids party? Ignore him? Tell him to leave?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Kids, if he does turn up can you have everything packed so it's short and sweet? Hopefully if he's in touch with his sponsor he won't be obviously drunk.
Do you have access to a family member who can handle the situation discreetly if AH arrives? This has the advantage of keeping you out of it, and your AH may be more respectful if dealing with someone else, preferably a man.
Do you have access to a family member who can handle the situation discreetly if AH arrives? This has the advantage of keeping you out of it, and your AH may be more respectful if dealing with someone else, preferably a man.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 256
a male family member to handle it discreetly? No- his brother would just go off on him and probably his dad would as well.
Plus the kids don't know why he is not here tonight, just that he is not and is staying else where. Yes, it will be hard on them- harder on DD8, as she is older and has more of a relationship with AH. DS6 doesn't ever do anything with AH- not even watch tv together.
Plus the kids don't know why he is not here tonight, just that he is not and is staying else where. Yes, it will be hard on them- harder on DD8, as she is older and has more of a relationship with AH. DS6 doesn't ever do anything with AH- not even watch tv together.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 256
I also thought about packing his stuff to keep it short and sweet, and so he has the essentials like last time. Just short on time doing that since I have stuff to do for the party, which is why I was trying to get him to wait til afterwards- give me a chance to send kids elsewhere too if needed. Pretty sure though they would want to see there dad...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
Pack his stuff and put it in the car. Have his father, brother, or the sponsor drive the car to the motel tonight
rather than risk another confrontation at your child's birthday party.
He needs to go stay at his parents or elsewhere for awhile, wouldn't you say?
Him calling you "bad names" and yelling isn't good for the kids to deal with.
He obviously still doesn't have his drinking under control.
Have you seen a lawyer yet to at least discuss your options?
Make an appointment as it will actually take the worry out of "what if"
I'm sorry it isn't going well Kids
rather than risk another confrontation at your child's birthday party.
He needs to go stay at his parents or elsewhere for awhile, wouldn't you say?
Him calling you "bad names" and yelling isn't good for the kids to deal with.
He obviously still doesn't have his drinking under control.
Have you seen a lawyer yet to at least discuss your options?
Make an appointment as it will actually take the worry out of "what if"
I'm sorry it isn't going well Kids
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 256
appt with lawyer is on my to do list. I have a good friend/past co-worker that I had asked stuff before, just not sure if this is her area, but she will refer me if not. Was trying not to ruin everyone's holidays.
Another to do is stopping monday to set up counseling again to see what the deal is with our high deductible insurance now.
Feel like I am done with this craziness. Been 2 years and just don't have any more to give.
I can probably try to arrange for his car and stuff to be dropped off tomorrow somewhere. Too late tonight to deal with it. His brother thinks he should come and get his stuff while the kids and I are out, but worried he won't take all he needs to so he has an excuse to come back the next day and not leave.
Another to do is stopping monday to set up counseling again to see what the deal is with our high deductible insurance now.
Feel like I am done with this craziness. Been 2 years and just don't have any more to give.
I can probably try to arrange for his car and stuff to be dropped off tomorrow somewhere. Too late tonight to deal with it. His brother thinks he should come and get his stuff while the kids and I are out, but worried he won't take all he needs to so he has an excuse to come back the next day and not leave.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Kids, you're not the one ruining the holiday! You're just doing your best to clean up his mess. Do his father and brother know yet? If it were me, I'd let them go off on him if that's what they want to do. That's his consequence, no need to protect him from it. I like Hawkeye's idea of having one of them drive his car/stuff to the motel.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 256
His brother, yes- he helped me today deal with things, like cleaning out his hiding spots in his car that I never knew about.
His parents are away today. His dad does not know and after finding out last yr that he really isn't AH's bio dad there is not much communication between the 2 of them. (AH's dad died when he was a baby and we never knew til last year.)
I can probably find someone else to do it, but shouldn't it be on AH? The motel is 7 miles away so I don't see him walking all that way and there is no public transportation except for if the taxi company is still in business.
His parents are away today. His dad does not know and after finding out last yr that he really isn't AH's bio dad there is not much communication between the 2 of them. (AH's dad died when he was a baby and we never knew til last year.)
I can probably find someone else to do it, but shouldn't it be on AH? The motel is 7 miles away so I don't see him walking all that way and there is no public transportation except for if the taxi company is still in business.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by KidsR#1 
a male family member to handle it discreetly? No- his brother would just go off on him and probably his dad would as well.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kids......sure, there are a LOT of things that he SHOULD do....if he were a normal behaving person whose brain was not alcohol soaked......
But, alas, this is not the case......
You will find that, as time goes o n, it becomes harder and harder to keep control of situations and "smooth over" circumstances.....
Especially, if you set any kind of boundary with an active alcoholic....they will cause chaos all over the place.....
Remember, that he is not operating from a "normal brain" (it is soo easy to gorget that his reality is a distorted one.....and his view of the world does not look like yours)
There, eventually, comes a po int that you just have to do what you have to do......
dandylion
But, alas, this is not the case......
You will find that, as time goes o n, it becomes harder and harder to keep control of situations and "smooth over" circumstances.....
Especially, if you set any kind of boundary with an active alcoholic....they will cause chaos all over the place.....
Remember, that he is not operating from a "normal brain" (it is soo easy to gorget that his reality is a distorted one.....and his view of the world does not look like yours)
There, eventually, comes a po int that you just have to do what you have to do......
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 256
MIL and AH's brother dropped off the car to AH with some of his stuff. He is coming to get more supposedly when at church.
Told him we were done. He said he has no where to go. He can't afford a motel nightly. Reminded him 2 weeks ago I told him to start looking but he never did. He says I can't legally prevent him from coming back to the house while sober. Can I?
Told him we were done. He said he has no where to go. He can't afford a motel nightly. Reminded him 2 weeks ago I told him to start looking but he never did. He says I can't legally prevent him from coming back to the house while sober. Can I?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Not sure where you live but here in Florida the answer is no, legally you cannot stop him from entering the house. Hopefully Lexie will chime in soon. I believe you will have to file something from the court to stop him from coming in....
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Kids, what are you going to do if he just walks in? The only protection you can get is legal and I suggest you look into that as soon as possible. He has a drinking problem, is capable of verbal abuse. That would be a start.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
If it's his house, too, and there isn't an order of some kind giving you exclusive possession of it, he has every legal right to come in.
If there's a history of domestic violence you might be eligible for a protective order--I'd suggest you contact your local women's shelter and speak to an advocate about whether you would qualify and the procedure for obtaining one.
Of course, if he comes in and is threatening or disruptive you can call the police. It might constitute harassment and at the very least they will probably persuade him to leave.
If there's a history of domestic violence you might be eligible for a protective order--I'd suggest you contact your local women's shelter and speak to an advocate about whether you would qualify and the procedure for obtaining one.
Of course, if he comes in and is threatening or disruptive you can call the police. It might constitute harassment and at the very least they will probably persuade him to leave.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 256
We live in New York. So my only option is to have him come back home I guess. But what about the kids? I can't trust him not to drink and there are times when I need someone to watch them. the plan was to have sitters come here, but that won't make sense to anyone if he is here.
There have not been anything to constitute contacting DV.
I can't afford a place right now with the kids and hate for them to have to leave the home they love.
There have not been anything to constitute contacting DV.
I can't afford a place right now with the kids and hate for them to have to leave the home they love.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sounded to me like he was willing to leave, your concern was about his picking up stuff during the party. Maybe he'll cooperate and it won't be an issue.
All we are saying is that you can't FORCE him to leave, or prevent him from coming over unless there's an order. Often during divorce or separation proceedings the court will grant exclusive TEMPORARY possession of the house to one party--if there are kids, then the court would usually allow the parent with the kids to stay. It doesn't mean you can stay forever--at some point there will be a property division and either you will buy him out or he will buy you out or the house will be sold and you both find new places to live. That's down the road. For right now you need something temporary in place, so I'd make that appointment with the lawyer your top priority.
All we are saying is that you can't FORCE him to leave, or prevent him from coming over unless there's an order. Often during divorce or separation proceedings the court will grant exclusive TEMPORARY possession of the house to one party--if there are kids, then the court would usually allow the parent with the kids to stay. It doesn't mean you can stay forever--at some point there will be a property division and either you will buy him out or he will buy you out or the house will be sold and you both find new places to live. That's down the road. For right now you need something temporary in place, so I'd make that appointment with the lawyer your top priority.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
But what about the kids? I can't trust him not to drink and there are times when I need someone to watch them. the plan was to have sitters come here, but that won't make sense to anyone if he is here.
I had the same thinking when I was with my ex. But someone who is impaired by alcohol, though physically present, is not capable of caring for children. Him just being there isn't enough. If he was gone and a sitter showed up intoxicated, would you leave your children in that person's care? I used to give my ex a pass because he was "daddy," and in doing so I endangered my children and exposed them to a lot of toxic behavior. Being "daddy" didn't make him any more capable than anyone else when he was drinking.
I know it's really hard being the only functioning adult in the house, but he cannot be someone you depend on right now, frustrating as that is. I'm sorry you and your kids are experiencing this. Hope you were able to enjoy your son's special day. Sending hugs.
I had the same thinking when I was with my ex. But someone who is impaired by alcohol, though physically present, is not capable of caring for children. Him just being there isn't enough. If he was gone and a sitter showed up intoxicated, would you leave your children in that person's care? I used to give my ex a pass because he was "daddy," and in doing so I endangered my children and exposed them to a lot of toxic behavior. Being "daddy" didn't make him any more capable than anyone else when he was drinking.
I know it's really hard being the only functioning adult in the house, but he cannot be someone you depend on right now, frustrating as that is. I'm sorry you and your kids are experiencing this. Hope you were able to enjoy your son's special day. Sending hugs.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Oh, and just to clarify, an order granting you exclusive possession pending divorce or separation would give you the right to change the locks, and he would NOT have the right to come in. With an order--even a regular family court order giving you possession of the house temporarily--would probably permit you to have him arrested for trespassing if he came in without permission.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 256
My lawyer friend does practice marital and family law. She is going to do a consult with me and charge $50 where her practice would normally charge $100. We just need to set a time that works for both of us.
AH came today and packed some stuff while we are at chut. DD asked if he was staying tonight and he told her no. She was ok as she and I talked yesterday.
AH still has hope for us if he stays sober. I told him that I don't think there is and we need to focus on the kids. Not sure if the walls I have put up will ever come down. He told me to make decisions for myself and not based on what others think. (Maniplating me maybe??) I feel that I am listening to my head and not my heart. I told him I felt this way before the blow up Friday.
He is still looking for a place. Not sure he has tried really though. Getting a hotel closer to work, which is 45 mins away.
Taking one day at a time...
AH came today and packed some stuff while we are at chut. DD asked if he was staying tonight and he told her no. She was ok as she and I talked yesterday.
AH still has hope for us if he stays sober. I told him that I don't think there is and we need to focus on the kids. Not sure if the walls I have put up will ever come down. He told me to make decisions for myself and not based on what others think. (Maniplating me maybe??) I feel that I am listening to my head and not my heart. I told him I felt this way before the blow up Friday.
He is still looking for a place. Not sure he has tried really though. Getting a hotel closer to work, which is 45 mins away.
Taking one day at a time...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 256
Made progress today. Appt set with lawyer friend for consult later this week, appt set up for counseling later this month (if I need to see someone sooner they will see what they can do, they just had 4 counselors retire this yr and are retiring.) I learned also that because we have a high deductible and b/c finances are tight they will accept what I can pay, even if it is just $5, a huge relief! They feel it is more important people get the help they need! They will still Bill my insurance to help us get to the deductible amount.
Then, DS got the stomach bug, so threw a kink in my plans for work tomorrow and will have to make up the hrs. Maybe that is why I still only have the PT job- gives My flexibility when kids are sick.
Plus told my supervisor about AH recent events. Just love her! She is so supportive!! Even helping me look for a full time job even though she does not want to lose me.
Then, DS got the stomach bug, so threw a kink in my plans for work tomorrow and will have to make up the hrs. Maybe that is why I still only have the PT job- gives My flexibility when kids are sick.
Plus told my supervisor about AH recent events. Just love her! She is so supportive!! Even helping me look for a full time job even though she does not want to lose me.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
