Wisconsin

Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh. I'm going to go into a lot of detail, because I need honest opinions about my motives and decisions here.

I have written before about STBXAH's dog, but here's the quick backstory. When STBXAH and I reconnected, dated, and got married 7-8 years ago, we each brought a dog into the relationship. When I moved out in September, I took my dog with me, and he kept his dog with him. STBXAH would have put up a big fight if I had tried to take his dog with me, and his dog is very large and a breed that apartments often will not allow. The apartment I moved into has a 25-pound weight limit for dogs.

A few weeks ago, his dog, who is very old and suffers from terrible arthritis, was in a lot of pain. STBXAH made a comment on a Wednesday morning that he couldn't take the dog to the vet until Saturday. At this point, the dog could barely walk. I agreed to take the dog to the vet, and got him set up with anti-inflammatories and pain meds. I paid the bill, and STBXAH immediately reimbursed me. Y'all were great during that episode, and I appreciated very much the validation you all gave me for my decision to intervene a little to help the dog. He has been doing much better in recent weeks on the meds, but I would be very surprised if he makes it through all of 2016.

Anyway. I had not heard from STBXAH since yesterday morning. That in and of itself isn't so unusual--we periodically will go 2-3 days without communicating, and we have generally gotten good about limiting the communication to our son. When I talked to him yesterday morning, I told him I would call him today to sort out when DS would be going over to his place for the weekend. I called him today in the late morning and left him a voice mail saying that DS is a little under the weather and wanted to stay with me today, and go to his dad's house tomorrow. I also mentioned that he is developing a cough, and that I would watch him closely and run him to urgent care if it got worse (because I am getting over pneumonia, and don't want this 5-year-old kid to suffer needlessly).

STBXAH, with very, very few exceptions, has always returned calls and texts in short order. If I had to guess, within 30-45 minutes, especially when they involve DS. Hours went by with no response from STBXAH. DS and I had to go out and run an errand. We swung by STBXAH's place, which is only a couple of miles from my place, and his truck was not in the driveway. We came home, and another couple of hours went by with no word from STBXAH. Finally I tried calling again, and got his voice mail. I hung up, and sent a text message that said "are you ok?" Finally I decided to load DS into the car to go to STBXAH's house to check on STBXAH's dog. My gut told me that STBXAH had stayed out all night for the holiday, and had not been home in close to 24 hours. I messaged my former neighbor (who still lives next door to STBXAH), and she said that while they hadn't been keeping an eye out for him, nobody had seen him or his truck since Thursday morning.

As we were getting in the car, STBXAH called me, clearly drunk. I was not mean or nasty at all, and just mentioned that we were getting ready to head over to check on his dog. He was not mean or nasty either, and just said that "[the dog] is fine, but thanks for offering." We agreed we would talk tomorrow about when our son will go over to his house, and that was that. No drama or ugliness at all. DS and I went and got a donut, and just went back home. About 30 minutes later my former neighbor messaged me that STBXAH had just arrived home. Which means that his dog was in fact home alone, without meds or food or the ability to relieve himself outside, from sometimes yesterday until late afternoon today.

Now I am an animal lover in general, and an extreme dog lover in particular. Leaving this dog behind was very, very difficult. But now I'm sitting here thinking about what transpired today, and I'm wondering...did I cross the line into obsessive behavior that was actually directed at STBXAH? I definitely felt some anxiety as the hours ticked by and he didn't return my call. Not like I used to, of course, but it was definitely still there. Had he been arrested? Had he been in an accident? Had he gone home from a bar or a party with someone? (And then I thought--I HOPE SO, because maybe then he will have added incentive to move this divorce along.) So, while I was worried about the dog, I was worried about STBXAH, too.

I'm finding it hard to navigate my desire to do what is right by this dog in what are probably his final months, and my desire to avoid triggering my very, very destructive obsessive behavior where STBXAH is concerned. I didn't feel crazy or out of control about it today, but I also know what a slippery slope that stuff is for me.

I can't take the dog. My landlord won't allow it, and it would trigger an insane amount of drama with STBXAH. I'd love some ES&H about how to be mindful of my boundaries on this issue of making sure the dog is comfortable and cared for without turning into crazy stalker lady.

Hangnbyathread

"Now I am an animal lover in general, and an extreme dog lover in particular. Leaving this dog behind was very, very difficult. But now I'm sitting here thinking about what transpired today, and I'm wondering...did I cross the line into obsessive behavior that was actually directed at STBXAH? I definitely felt some anxiety as the hours ticked by and he didn't return my call. Not like I used to, of course, but it was definitely still there. Had he been arrested? Had he been in an accident? Had he gone home from a bar or a party with someone? (And then I thought--I HOPE SO, because maybe then he will have added incentive to move this divorce along.) So, while I was worried about the dog, I was worried about STBXAH, too."

Yes I believe you are using the dog as a way to keep some control over his situation. Please don't take this the wrong way because I love animals as much as anyone can.

The dog is his dog. It isn't ya'lls dog. If he can't care for it, its not your job to get involved. This has taken enough victims at this stage. I know the dog is old and you want to help.

Let it go.

Wisconsin

Thank you, Hangn!

lillamy

I don't know. I mean, dogs are family. I would feel very protective of the dog as well.

I guess here's my question: Remove the dog from the equation -- would you have checked up on your ex and called neighbors and tried to figure out where he was when he wasn't returning calls? If you say yes to that question, yeah, you're sweeping the wrong side of the street.

But to me it sounds like you were concerned about a defenseless loved animal family member. But that's just me.

Bekindalways

Wisconsin I would have struggled with the idea of the dog being left without water and food; however, I think it is best to let it go.

It is so sad that so many animals don't get the care they should but even sadder for me when it is kids. Thanks for taking care of your son by getting out of this marriage.

Wisconsin

Thanks, guys. Lillamy, I like your approach. My honest answer is that...I'm not sure. I think that if the dog wasn't in the equation, I would have still had anxiety and been worried, but I would not have driven by his house, or messaged the neighbor.

I just feel like I've come so, so far. We have some new members who have posted in recent weeks about the kind of obsessive behavior I used to exhibit, and I don't EVER want to be that person again, with STBXAH or anyone. And I know how easy it is for me to fall into those patterns.

Anyway, I think my motives were generally legit, because these dogs are like kids to me. But I also think that if I had to do it over again, I would probably work harder to mind my own business.

AnvilheadII

hmmm, it was just a couple days ago when you posted this:

There may be clean clothes in STBXAH's bedroom, in the basement laundry area, or anywhere in between. This morning I was on the hunt for clean clothes for DS to wear to day care, and I had to go into STBXAH's room to look for some.

Blech. Beer cans--full and empty. Junk like a calendar of scantily clad women. I could not care less what he chooses to do with his spare time at this point, but I really don't want to be in a position where I have to go in that room again.

interestingly enough, the DOG wasn't even mentioned......until today, when you don't hear from him right away, drive BY his place, see his vehicle is not there, call the neighbors, then decide to: Finally I decided to load DS into the car to go to STBXAH's house to check on STBXAH's dog.

i totally understand worrying about an animal......we have two dogs and i can't imagine leaving either of them behind. OR taking "my" dog away from her home and her buddy. but i think your concerns are all mixed up and overlapping. and i get that.........

CarmenLove

It's so hard when there is a dog involved.

Wisconsin

Fortunately, checking on the dog would have only involved going into the kitchen (not the dreaded master bedroom). I totally hear you, though, Anvil. Because I did feel a sense of profound relief when I no longer felt I needed to go over there, because I would have surely been greeted by a big mess made by a big dog who hadn't been out in almost 24 hours. Or was it relief that he was ok? Interesting.

I think my feelings are all jumbled up, like you say. Possibly because of the unexpected Christmas Eve tete-a-tete, which left me much more emotional than I would have thought.

I'm really glad I brought it here. I can always, always count on you guys to give it to me straight. The hard truth is that I get enough exposure to the dog on my weekly Wednesday morning trip over there to know generally if he is doing ok (because I did promise myself I would be honest with the vet if it looked like the dog isn't getting his meds--she was very insistent about that). And beyond that, I need to stay on my side of the street.

LexieCat

You already got some pretty good feedback.

Here's the thing, though, for all you know he made sure the dog had its medicine. I think it's natural to be concerned about the well-being of your son's dad, and I ALSO think it's natural to come up with a reason to find out WTF is going on. And the dog is something easy to latch onto.

Sounds like your head is screwed on straight. None of us is perfect--not all the time. You HAVE come "so, so far"--doesn't mean we don't have to watch out for backsliding. You're doing that, though, so I don't think there's anything to get too worked up about in terms of your own recovery.

Hope the kiddo feels better!

redatlanta

The reality is there is no proof he was gone for 24 hours. Your neighbor admits she had looked and not seen his truck - but I guarantee she did not stand at the window for 24 hours. Could he have come home for 15 minutes? Yes. Let the dog out for bathroom? Yes. Could he have left out sufficient food and water? Yes. I messaged my former neighbor (who still lives next door to STBXAH), and she said that while they hadn't been keeping an eye out for him, nobody had seen him or his truck since Thursday morning.
Would this include every person in the whole neighborhood?

I so get your concern, I like animals more than people for the most part . if I had it my way I would live on a farm and collect every stray and then some. You have said your Ex loves this animal - so I hope he is doing for it what needs to be done. Other than that leave it alone. It does sound like you are willing to help with Dog, but I don't really think its wise to offer. Seems like Ex will ask if he needs help as he did when the dog was ill.

Wisconsin

Thanks so much, everyone. Red, I should clarify that the former neighbor and my STBXAH live in a side-by-side duplex, and every single time anyone walks into his side of the duplex, the neighbor's dog totally freaks out. That's why they would have had a good idea if he had come in. And she is literally always home, because her health is poor. So while you are absolutely right that there was no way to be 100% sure he hadn't been home, it was less of a "reach" for me than if they lived in separate houses, or across the street, or whatever.

Which, frankly, upon further reflection last night is EXACTLY what made me feel squidgy. When I was in the depth of my own dysfunction, I would do that all the time. Particularly on days when STBXAH had been rained out at work, and I "wanted to know" if I would be coming home to someone drunk. Because, of course, I believed that if I knew exactly what time he came home, I could use my super powers of control to divine whether he had been at a bar, or how likely he was to spend the day drinking at home. Yep, I was crazy.

Anyway, I will continue to keep a general eye on the dog when I am there on Wednesday mornings, and yes--if it seems he is suffering a lot again, I will take him to the vet again. I will not sit by and watch an animal suffer like that. But beyond that...it's hands off.

Thanks so much for the input, everyone!