Desperate
 

Hello all. I am new to this forum. I have signed up because I am the desperate wife of an alcoholic. Here goes.... (this may get a bit lengthy).

My husband and I have been married for 6 months. Yes, you read that correctly; 6 months. However, we have been together for 8 years. He was my high school sweetheart. I have seen him go through many stages of his life, ups and downs, different jobs, deaths of loved ones... and he has been there for me through the same. The one thing that has affected our relationship for about the past 4 years, however, is his binge drinking.

We are from a small town, and as the saying goes, there's nothing to do, so you grab a couple beers and drink with friends. Since my husband turned 21 (4 years ago) he has found a new love in his life other than myself. Her name is alcohol. Beer, liquor, wine, you name it, he'll try it. No peer pressure needed. When my husband starts drinking, he cannot stop.

Now, I feel the need to explain that this isn't everyday. This is once a month, sometimes once every 3 months. On these times when the demons inside my husband want to play, I feel as though I am in a nightmare that plays out as follows:

It's 3:00 am on a Friday night. My husband is still not home. He told me 2 hours ago that he was "leaving soon." Now, I cannot get a hold of him. I know he is driving. I am in a panic by myself at home, worrying, thinking of the worst possible outcome. Finally, he arrives home. He stumbles across the driveway. He beats on the door (because who cares if it's 3AM and your wife is sleeping?). He blames me for locking the door, I "shouldn't have when I knew he would be coming home." I see the black, hollow, lifeless eyes that hide my husband somewhere deep inside and I know it is going to be a long night. He stumbles to take his shoes off. "What're you looking at?" He asks me. By this point I am holding back tears thinking to myself, "here we go again." I see a scratch on my husbands check where he has been in a fight with a stranger. I look at his phone and see that none of the "friends" he was with have checked to see if he got home okay. My husband is in the bathroom now, and I can hear him knocking over all of our belongings. "Please stop, and sit down" I beg him. It escalates from here to my husband throwing up on the rug and telling me I should clean it. Other words are thrown at me that I am too ashamed to post on here. Once this manic phase is over there is always the "I feel like I'm dying, why did I drink so much, help me phase." As you can imagine, I am in no shape to "help" this monster in front of me at this time.

The next morning, everything is "normal" because my husband remembers nothing. I show him videos. "I am so sorry." I hear the words but they mean nothing when this has happened over, and over and over, sometimes physically as well as verbally abusive situations that would need a whole new post to describe.

Now, my husband is a wonderful person. But he has demons inside as we all do. His come out when alcohol is around. He binge drinks and I pay for it through his drunken anger.

He promises, "it won't happen again." "I don't even like drinking." "What is wrong with me, I swear I'll stop, I'm so sorry." I've heard it all. And I truly think he means it. He has accepted that he has a problem and needs to fix it. But I cannot do this for him.

I have told my husband of 6 months that I will not continue this marriage if he continues to chose alcohol over our relationship. Can you imagine down the road, having children in the house when this happens? How about when he truly hurts me or himself while drunk?

What do I do?? How can I help him? This needs to end. I am living in constant fear of his next binge episode.

I am asking for any and all advice.

Hi kf, you probably can't help him as such. He's seen the videos (good thinking), he's very aware of how you feel, he's a nice guy so he's ashamed, he loves you so he doesn't intend to binge again. Until it does happen again, and it's rinse and repeat.

He may get to a point where the price for drinking is too high, but you don't know when that will occur, and in the meanwhile you're living in fear for him and yourself, with zero chance of controlling him.

You've given him an ultimatum - has he acted to get help for himself? Is he seeing a counsellor or attending a group? Assuming he wants to become sober, he knows he needs more than self-control, but has he taken any steps towards sobriety? It doesn't seem like he's taking it seriously enough. He's probably rationalising that next time he'll just stop at one or two drinks; that way he doesn't have to face total abstinence, which can be a very high bar.

Can I suggest you find an Al-anon meeting, whether local or online? It can be a great relief to meet others who know what you're going through.

If you truly can't see any signs of progress from your AH you may need to follow through on your threat to end the marriage, heartbreaking as it is. You've only had one serious relationship in your life so far and luckily there are no children involved.

Hi, and welcome. Sorry you're living with this.

You've got two issues going on--the drinking and the violence. Even if he's physically violent only when he's drinking, they are two separate issues. Even in a blackout, a person is AWARE of what he's doing while he's doing it--the blackout only erases the memory.

Alcoholism--and violence--only get worse with time, never better. He binge-drinks now, but over time the binges are likely to become closer together. You are smart to not even CONSIDER having children with him at this point.

Al-Anon is great, but it isn't really geared toward people living in relationships with VIOLENT alcoholics. I've worked professionally in the domestic violence field for many years. I'd suggest calling the National DV Hotline (1-800-799-7233) or your local women's shelter and speak with an advocate. Your own safety comes first. It doesn't sound to me like your husband has any interest in getting sober or in changing his behavior.

I agree with Lexie - you're talking about two different things. The black, soulless eyes and the angry, violent behavior are always in there but only come out when his inhibitions are lowered with alcohol - for now. He needs to never drink again to put himself or you into this predicament and seek help for his underlying issues.

As others have said, this will just get worse over time.
Violence, verbal and physical, is never OK.

He isn't doing anything meaningful to stop binging
despite seeing what he does to you repeatedly.

It seems you know what to do but it is hard to take the first step.
Read around the forum and read the stickys at the top of the page.
Educate yourself about the reality of alcoholism.
It is progressive if left untreated.

This took me back. My ex started out almost exactly like this. A payday binge at the beginning of every month. First they lasted a week, then ten days, then two weeks. There was less and less time between binges until it all starts to overlap. I used to think that he couldn't really be an alcoholic because he didn't drink every day. But that's not an accurate measure. The more telling detail is that he can't stop once he starts, despite escalating negative consequences.
His violence was also progressive. It started out the same way. He'd throw things around, then it was holes in the walls, smashed furniture, throwing things at me, cornering me in rooms, shoving me hitting and kicking me.
I drew all kinds of lines in the sand- "If X happens, then I'm leaving. I'm not putting up with Y." But by the time X and Y happen, so many lines have already been crossed that it doesn't seem as bad as it really is. You get desensitized to bad behavior and end up putting up with things you told yourself you would never tolerate.
I had a child with my ex. We were together for five years of increasingly worse drunken episodes and incidents of violence. Waiting around hoping for him to see the light and get sober was not a solution, but I thought it was for a long time. I ultimately had to take the steps to help myself.
Reach out for help. SR is a good start. I used to isolate myself because of the shame I felt over his drinking and the other things that were happening in our home.

I was married two weeks when I realized I married an problem drinker. There had been previous signs before we married but two weeks to the day after marriage there was a horrific episode that I will never forget. He punched a window, kicked our dog, and could remember none of it in the morning.

My hubby, though a daily drinker could typically contain his drinking during the week. Watch out at parties, holidays and special occasions.

I used his non-daily drinking problems as justifcation for a long time why he did not have a problem.

I was married two weeks, had just purchased a home, and was terrified for what I had signed up for. At six weeks in (after a second really bad drinking episode) I was contemplating divorce but felt trapped because I had made the choice to marry......I had choosen this man I better be around for the ride.

He was a sensitive being and knew that things had changed for us. Though he did not struggle with alcohol daily, I struggled with walking on eggshells daily in case he "may" drink. So it only "impacted" him part time (or not at all because he could not remember), but it was a full on impact for me.

Support helped. I had a great therapist when it all hit the fan. I was not ready at that time, but eventually I got to Al-Anon which also helped. Reading about addiction helped. Reading about co-dependency helped.

Glad you are here, sorry for the reason you are.

This sounds like EVERYTHING I deal with daily! The eggshells thing....wow. So true. With my SO everything is a trigger. Stress-trigger. Bad day at work--trigger. Too much fun that day--trigger. Loneliness--trigger. You see the pattern? Everytime it's excuses and then he tells me that getting sober is going to make him worse for a while. I told him I would rather live for a few weeks with a total madman than with a binge drinking abusive jerk. But really, who am I kidding? He is never going to change. He has hit rock bottom before with multiple DUI arrests, lost his job and car over it, and he went back to drinking. I used to think that alcoholism was a disease but I realize now that it is a habit that comes with excuses and validations. We excuse their behavior because they line it with empty promises of change, and they use our forgiveness to validate their behavior. It's a vicious cycle and for some reason, most of us cannot escape it. I consider myself a very strong person but I am so weak when it comes to him. He just has a hold over me.

Keep your head up. I agree with everyone on the support. I am planning to go to a therapist when my insurance resets tomorrow and I am going to take care of me. If I have to live with him, the least I can do for myself is talk to someone.

You are in the right place to find support. Sounds like my ex...which is why he's the ex. Mine too had black soulless demonic eyes sometimes when drunk and acted violently. I realized that IS him-it's just alcohol let's that part of him out. HE is the problem-HIS demons....the alcoholism is just the tip of the iceberg. YOU can get better and see things clearly, regardless of what he does. Great advice in this thread.

Roguelily.....I suggest that you get a copy of "Co-dependent No More" and begin reading it.....it is a very highly recommending reading in these parts..

dandylion

Alcoholism IS a disease--the excuses and rationalizations and denial are part of it.

It's a treatable disease, however--but the alcoholic has to WANT to get better, and want it badly enough to do the uncomfortable work of recovery. Some never do, sadly enough. And there's nothing we can do to MAKE them want to get better.

The fact that it's a disease, though, doesn't mean we are obligated to sit by and go down with them. There's a saying around here, "Let go or be dragged." Your choice.

You have gotten great input so far. You are right to imagine what it is like with kids. Miserable, I promise you that. Been there.

Welcome to the forum. Keep posting. You are not alone.

^^ yes, truth.

Kf,
Welcome and I am sorry that you have had to find us. This is probably over whelming reading what us "enablers" are posting here. We are all enablers and we all love an addict. There is no piece of paper that says "how do i get my alcoholic husband sober, and live happily ever after", So many of us have walked in your shoes, survived and slowly learned how to thrive.

At some point you will realize that he his not going to do anything about his addiction, but you are the one going crazy. There is a lot of help out there for you.

I also married my high school sweet heart, dated 8 years, married 26, so a total of 34 years, dealing with an addict. I tolerated more then any one human should, and I am sure you have also. Please don't be like me, by expecting him to change, they just don't. Unacceptable behavior is nothing but unacceptable behavior.

Hugs my friend, we are here for you!!

I am so sorry for what you are living. You are so Young and time is on your side. You have many many years and a whole lifetime stretching out in front of you.. that is something that a lot of us here don't have because we wasted them on people who did not merit our love and support and we stopped loving ourselves along the way. Please please do something to save and protect yourself now. Don't be here posting 10 years from now still in agony about your alcoholic violent husband and regretting the lost years. You deserve better than that. Hugs. x

Often it’s not a matter of just making a choice………..addiction lives in the same part of their brain that tells them to breath.

He has to WANT to make the choice to stop drinking for himself and a healthier life that may or may not include you in it. Then he has to follow up that choice with a plan of action to help him understand his addiction and learn how to remain abstinent. It’s a major commitment and one that is lifelong.

If it were merely just a choice most of them would never chose drunken falling down stupors, wetting themselves, treating their loved ones with verbal/physical assaults…………but it’s just not that simple.

I would suggest you find al-anon, educate yourself on alcoholism/addiction and its progression. Enabling and codependency. Lots of things for us to learn that can help us make sound decisions for OURSELVES and an understanding that we just can’t control another person no matter how much we love them and want to.

Welcome KF and also I'm so very sorry for what brought you here. All of us here have been in somewhat similar situations to yours and know how God-awful painful it is.

I can back up what everyone is saying. All of what is being said here is probably horrible to hear and even harder to process. The best thing you can do for this man is take care of yourself and let him lie in the mess he is making. Please get to an Alanon meeting and keep posting here!

I want to thank everyone for your kind, caring words. I have read a lot of the advice above and I am learning that those that have gone through this believe he will never change? Is this true? Is there any hope? If not, I need to leave. There is no point in me sticking around. It will hurt like hell because I love him more than anything on Earth, but I also know that I don't deserve this.

When do I put my head before my heart; or vice versa?

There is always hope - but hope can be a very bad thing with an alcoholic. It keeps people in situations much longer than they should stick around. As you read through the stories on here take a look at the join date for some folks, read the threads here. It is seldom, very seldom that you will see a quick response by the alcoholic to treatment.

He has accepted that he has a problem and needs to fix it. No ma'am, he has not accepted he has a problem he needs to fix. He has accepted that YOU have a problem with his drinking. That's all. In the alcoholics mind YOU are the one the problem that YOU need to fix aka "its not that big of deal stop nagging me SHUT UP". If he had accepted he has a problem he would be doing something about it. A's are liars. They will protect their Alcohol and tell you what you want to hear. Its Actions, not words that count.

Some things you need to do:

1) I advise that when your husband is going out for one of his binges you go stay somewhere else. You indicate abuse is involved. Don't stick around to try and control and manage the situation. You can't. it will always be better for you to NOT be around him drinking considering his history. This is called a boundary. The most important thing about a boundary is that if you say it, you do it. Do not make hollow threats.

2) I don't know if you are cleaning up after him but if you are stop. Let him clean up his own vomit.

3) Educate yourself about alcoholism AND recovery. The process of recovery is hard. It usually takes several try's, it takes 100% dedication. I believe the statistics will tell you it takes 5 - 7 try's before an alcoholic is usually successful at sobriety. Most alcoholic's will attempt moderation (not possible).

4) Alcoholism is not personal, he isn't doing this "to" you or "to" your marriage, he is an addict. Therefore, his addiction will always be #1 - its just the way it is. This is why people cannot love their SO's sober and many do try..

I strongly recommend you join Al Anon and start working the step program. Stay far away from your husband when he is drinking, its best for you both.

The only thing I would like to add to Red's excellent summary is that
the abuse is a separate issue from the drinking.

Don't just "blame" his drinking for this.
Like alcoholism, abuse also will escalate untreated.
I think later on today other people with more knowledge about this
can share more information with you.

I grew up with an alcoholic parent who never quit for good,
and I am now a recovering alcoholic myself.
It is a long, difficult road even if you admit the problem
and work hard to do something about it,
which your husband hasn't.