Desperate
Nobody can predict, with certainty, when an alcoholic will decide that s/he has had enough. Many go on for decades before they are ready to stop; many never are.
Many will say, "I can't do this without your support." That's a load of malarkey. I've been sober for seven years without the assistance of a partner. My first husband will celebrate 36 years of sobriety in a week or so--HE got sober during a time when I'd had enough and took a break from the relationship. If he WANTS to get sober, nothing will stop him.
The violence is another story. You need to look out for your own safety--physical, emotional, and otherwise. Right now he is showing no interest in quitting drinking. It isn't safe for you to hang around waiting for the next binge.
Please hook up with an advocate--they can help you with safety planning and with a protective order, if necessary. I've worked in the DV field professionally for a very long time, and an advocate can help you assess how much danger you are really in. I've seen situations like yours take a tragic turn.
Many will say, "I can't do this without your support." That's a load of malarkey. I've been sober for seven years without the assistance of a partner. My first husband will celebrate 36 years of sobriety in a week or so--HE got sober during a time when I'd had enough and took a break from the relationship. If he WANTS to get sober, nothing will stop him.
The violence is another story. You need to look out for your own safety--physical, emotional, and otherwise. Right now he is showing no interest in quitting drinking. It isn't safe for you to hang around waiting for the next binge.
Please hook up with an advocate--they can help you with safety planning and with a protective order, if necessary. I've worked in the DV field professionally for a very long time, and an advocate can help you assess how much danger you are really in. I've seen situations like yours take a tragic turn.
Like red said, there is always hope but as its said around here- hope is not a plan
Often when its announced that we are leaving they seem to then jump on some kind of recovery plan
Kind of like grounding a child until they clean their room, the child starts cleaning with a gusto, we think its going great so we head out to the store only to come home and find them playing, room still a mess but they want credit for at least trying .
It takes a long time for an alcoholics journey towards "real" recovery Months and months and months- not days, not weeks but months moving towards years.
What I have witnessed often is, similar to a house being on fire- the smoke alarm goes off (you announce you are leaving because of his drinking) everyone rushes out (to AA, al-anon) the fire is now out and a false security is in the air and we rush right back into the house (marriage, relationship) Often what we fail to take into account is time to make sure we are re-entering a safe and secure place.
If I go back and correct anything about my past relationship with an A it would be NOT going back into one. I witnessed him going to rehab for 30 days, a step down program for a few months, living in a sober recovery house for another few months and I thought after all of that he would be done but my story like so many others didn't end with a happily ever after that included his sobriety. Had I only either left or waiting a longer period of time before going back into the relationship, more would have been revealed and I would have made a healthier choice for myself
Its not often you hear an alcoholic say "I need to get sober for me and if I lose you in that process I'm sorry but I really have to do this for me."
Usually its "I'll do anything not to lose you or the kids, I need you to help me and support me through this." Which translates into - guilt and manipulation so that YOU are responsible for his recovery and not him.
Always put your head first when dealing with an alcoholic? What you see and hear with your mind is what you see and hear
What you feel is with the heart and feelings are not facts
Often when its announced that we are leaving they seem to then jump on some kind of recovery plan
Kind of like grounding a child until they clean their room, the child starts cleaning with a gusto, we think its going great so we head out to the store only to come home and find them playing, room still a mess but they want credit for at least trying .
It takes a long time for an alcoholics journey towards "real" recovery Months and months and months- not days, not weeks but months moving towards years.
What I have witnessed often is, similar to a house being on fire- the smoke alarm goes off (you announce you are leaving because of his drinking) everyone rushes out (to AA, al-anon) the fire is now out and a false security is in the air and we rush right back into the house (marriage, relationship) Often what we fail to take into account is time to make sure we are re-entering a safe and secure place.
If I go back and correct anything about my past relationship with an A it would be NOT going back into one. I witnessed him going to rehab for 30 days, a step down program for a few months, living in a sober recovery house for another few months and I thought after all of that he would be done but my story like so many others didn't end with a happily ever after that included his sobriety. Had I only either left or waiting a longer period of time before going back into the relationship, more would have been revealed and I would have made a healthier choice for myself
Its not often you hear an alcoholic say "I need to get sober for me and if I lose you in that process I'm sorry but I really have to do this for me."
Usually its "I'll do anything not to lose you or the kids, I need you to help me and support me through this." Which translates into - guilt and manipulation so that YOU are responsible for his recovery and not him.
Always put your head first when dealing with an alcoholic? What you see and hear with your mind is what you see and hear
What you feel is with the heart and feelings are not facts
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
On a practical level, until you sort out what you are going to do long term, could you find ways to detach and soothe yourself when he is out on one of those drinking episodes?
I know it's hard and I just think for your own safety it might be best if you didn't have to see him when he comes home in that state.
Could you let him know that you will leave a key out for him (or whatever works) and that you will be in bed and not come down to answer 'banging' on the door?
Could you or he sleep in a spare room on those times?
I definitely don't think looking through his phone is a good idea, especially while he is drunk, or trying to talk to him then.
Perhaps you could even go and stay with friends / family when it happens?
Also Al Anon meetings and other support can help with the detaching part.
Your safety needs to come first.
I know it's hard and I just think for your own safety it might be best if you didn't have to see him when he comes home in that state.
Could you let him know that you will leave a key out for him (or whatever works) and that you will be in bed and not come down to answer 'banging' on the door?
Could you or he sleep in a spare room on those times?
I definitely don't think looking through his phone is a good idea, especially while he is drunk, or trying to talk to him then.
Perhaps you could even go and stay with friends / family when it happens?
Also Al Anon meetings and other support can help with the detaching part.
Your safety needs to come first.
I'm so sorry you're in this painful place. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and there is nothing anyone can do or say that will keep an alcoholic from drinking. He has to want -- need -- to stop drinking and then seek help (a rehab, AA). In the meantime I suggest reading the posts on this forum. Alanon saved my sanity and helped determine the right path for me ( leaving and working on my own problems). A big hug.
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