I feel better...
 

But then I don't. I have been keeping to myself that my AH has been drinking again. I wanted to try to save family/ friends the heartache I feel over the relapse and the stress of what comes next for me and the kids.

Tonight my MIL asked if I was going to bingo with her and DD, which is a normal routine for us. I told MIL that I was pretty sure AH has been drinking today and didn't feel right about leaving DS home with AH tonight. Of course she was disappointed in AH, but not surprised as I told her a few months ago that I felt he was close to a relapse. She was the one back then who told me to listen to my gut about whether he was drinking or not. That I would know if he starts drinking again. She went on about doesn't he realize this means he could get a dwi, go to jail, lose his job, kill someone, what this does to her" babies" (the grandkids), etc.

So I feel better that I told someone close to me what is happening. But maybe she wasn't the best person to drop the bomb on, because it is her son after all. She said she supports whatever I do next because she knows that I need to do what is best for the kids, and I do believe that. She and I been through a lot together over the last 20 yrs and sees me as a daughter. She has close friends that grew up in an alcoholic family and heard first hand from them how it affected them growing up and doesn't want that for my kids.

She offered to watch DD and DS so I can talk to AH honestly when he is sober and the kids not around.

I just know that I don't have it in me to go on another roller coaster ride like I did last year, but only I can decide to not get on it again. On the other hand AH has been great the last 4 days with playing games with the kids and I as a family and doing more around the house-although it irks me that he seeks approval for things he should automatically do, like take out the garbage. It then made me thinking he wasn't drinking today and its my imagination.

I tried to make an appt today to start up counseling but the lady that could answer my question about my co pay with a high deductible plan was out til Monday. Will stop there again on Monday

Awful feeling knowing the storm is going to break, but not when. Are you waiting for confirmation he's drinking before you take action? You seem to be hinting in your post that you will separate from him.

No confirmation needed. When I pushed the subject he admitted it. Just need to figure out what's next. Rereading my old posts helped last night. It reminded me of the craziness I endured the last time he was drinking.

It always helps to talk to someone else about how you feel. Keep pushing for counseling regardless of what you decide.

You are right that you have to make the decision about your own future, but what you don't have to do is make it this very second. Don't let this take you over. Get counseling. Do things for yourself. Keep that support chain wide open so you have others to help you.

Many, many hugs to you.

In addition to the counseling, I'd make an appointment with a lawyer for an initial consult. You don't have to file anything until/unless you decide to, but it's helpful to know ALL your options, including how a legal separation might work or what your rights/obligations would be if you divorce. Knowledge is power. Once you KNOW, you can consider all options as you move forward.

I second seeing the attorney. I had visits with attorneys for years before I filed. It helped me to know my options, how to prepare, and made me feel much more in control. Hugs.