Carrie2015

I am the grandmother of a brand new grand son. He is almost three months old. My daughter is recovering from a brain injury, is doing much better. She is 26 her boyfriend is 29. Her injury happened about 2 1/2 years ago. Her boyfriend of 5 years is a self described alcoholic. His drinking is of the binge sort, but truthfully I don't really know the extent of it. He works, my daughter does not due to the recent baby and her injury. Myself and her dad (my ex-husband) support her financially. Even though the ABF works, he makes little money, and her dad and I have been supporting her emotionally and financially since her injury. Before her injury, she was in Graduate school, doing well, working two jobs, and I believe ready to leave her boyfriend and move to the East Coast for a Editing job. Then her injury happened. She has severe PTSD from in injury (violence was involved) as well as seizures and migraines.

My daughter has always maintained she would never put up with her boyfriend if he continued drinking after she found out she was pregnant. Then that line was crossed. She maintained she would never put up with his drinking if he did anything physical. He "accidentally" pushed her down while she was pregnant while drunk. Then that line was crossed. Then she said she would never put up with his drinking after the baby came. Then that line was crossed.

The reason I am writing today is the following. My ex-husband is in therapy for personal reasons. Today he brought up my daughter's recent complaints about the Al-BF's drinking to his therapist. The therapist stopped him right there and said to him, "If you continue describing a situation where he might be driving this infant around intoxicated, I would be required to call Child Protection Services". My ex was taken off guard by this, and he realized the seriousness of what is happening. My daughter's father is going to speak to her today about the exchange with his therapist.

I have been always willing to provide a place for my daughter, should she decide to leave the boyfriend. However, I am almost positive she won't want to. I am assuming what needs to be done is make boundaries, where while the boyfriend is not in recovery that he can not drive the baby anywhere. I really don't know other boundaries and I am hugely aware I am not the boss of their relationship. However, I am so terribly worried about my grandson. What if any recourse do we have to protect this child.

Carrie

jjj111

My brother told me a couple years ago that his wife had attacked my niece. I called CPS. I was honest with him that I did it. He begged me not to, but I stayed firm and pointed out to him that if I were a therapist, I would be legally obligated to do so. I also told him that if something happened to my niece and I hadn't called CPS, I would never forgive myself for not doing all that I could to protect her. In retrospect, I kind of wish that I'd just made the call anonymously, because it caused a real rift with his wife, who he told about my call, and also because my brother has been very guarded with me since. Then again, I don't really miss dealing with his wife, who is very toxic. And I DEFINITELY don't regret calling CPS. My niece is still in their custody, but it did at least force him for a while to take some steps to make sure she wasn't left alone with her mother, though sadly he has now backtracked on those efforts.

least

If it were me, I'd call CPS. The baby's dad doesn't seem to care about his own well being, much less his child's well being, and I'd be afraid for the baby to be in his care, or in his car.

I hope your daughter can come to see the seriousness of this situation and get her and baby out of it.

Kboys

That's a hard position to be in... I'm sorry you're going through this...
I agree... I'd make a call to CPS, and put it into their hands. A visit from a Social Worker may be enough to get your daughter to realize how serious the situation is.
If he gets pulled over for DUI with the baby in the car, the baby could be removed from the care of both parents, if it can be shown that your daughter knew or should have reasonably known that he was drinking and driving with the baby and did nothing about it...

Liveitwell

^ yep. That's the thing people don't see sometimes-not only is it enabling , you can be held liable if something happens. I am so sorry you are facing this situation-but more sorry this innocent child is in this situation by no fault or choice of her own. Please take care of yourself and I hope others will follow suit. Calling CPS seems to be the best decision at this time.

Peace to you and many prayers coming your way.

LexieCat

It's especially tricky here, with a brain-injured daughter. Are her cognitive abilities intact? Brain injury can cover a lot of territory--some people reason and think perfectly well but their physical abilities are limited.

I think bringing in CPS might be a wise decision. If she isn't capable of ensuring the baby is safe, she may need some drastic intervention to help her do what she might not be capable of doing, herself.

The driving issue aside, growing up in a home with an alcoholic parent is pretty terrible for kids. The ultimate boundary, of course, would be to decide that alcoholism is not something she's willing to live with, and for him to leave and not come back unless/until he is sober for a good, long time (at least a year).

Would she be willing to go to Al-Anon? You could offer to take the baby so she can attend, or go with her and offer to take the baby outside if he gets fussy.

Carrie2015

I would take her to Al-Anon any time and she knows this. I would gladly take care of my grandbaby!!!! Omg...he is so sweet! I brought her once, before she was pregnant but she wasn't really interested. I learned about Al-Anon from having a relationship with an alcoholic a few years ago. So I am well versed in it's benefits.

Her cognitive abilities are fine when it comes to right/wrong morals and decisions. She is very intelligent, but we all know intelligence doesn't help. Her cognitive issues had more to do with difficulty in reading and memory, but she is actually doing some editing again. It's her PTSD, seizure, migraines that limit her.

Her dad is talking with her right now. God, I wish she and her boyfriend would both wake up. It's awful to see.

Carrie2015

I have a followup question about calling CPS. No one has any proof that he is drinking and driving with the baby. The ABF has definitely gone under cover since he tried to get sober several months ago. He made a big deal (short lived) about sobriety and now has gone silent. We have all seen him under the influence since, smelled it on his breath, and even seen him openly drink. But no one actually has seen "proof" of drinking and driving with the baby. In fact he was drunk the night they brought the baby home, but he went out to get something, and returned drunk. But being an alcoholic is not enough to call CPS is it? Don't we need proof a crime has taken place?

jjj111

I would think the fact that he pushed her down while pregnant, together with your concerns about his being drunk and verbally abusive in the baby's presence, is plenty to call CPS.

FeelingGreat

Carrie, can you ask your daughter or even him about driving drunk? It sounds naive, but you might get some information you can live with, especially if your daughter is firm that she doesn't allow it. Another point is leaving the baby with him if she goes out.
Lacking reliable information, a serious talk with your daughter, non confrontational, but pointing out the consequences if he's caught driving drunk with the baby onboard, CPS and possible taking of the baby into care, she might take it seriously enough to reassure you.
You might in the meanwhile, very discreetly, see what information you can get to confirm or disprove your fears.

LexieCat

You don't need "proof that a crime has taken place" to call CPS. You can call them (and in some states MUST call them--I don't know who is considered a "mandatory reporter" in California) if you reasonably believe a child is subjected to abuse or neglect. Part of their job is to investigate--they don't just swoop in and remove children from their homes unless a child is in imminent danger that can't be addressed in any other way. They can provide resources, require parenting classes, etc., depending on what they think will help.

jjj111

^^^^Yes, this. No need for proof, all you need are reasonable concerns. And I think they generally see removing children as a last resort. Suggestions for parenting classes or chemical dependency treatment might be more likely, from what I have seen. In my experience, the main benefit in cases like these is that the parents get a wake up call that something needs to change.

thequest

Cross posted but any doubts about an alcoholic or heavy drinking dad should be eliminated here.

Man drank 24 beers, suffocated infant son, charges say

Both daughter and child need to make their personal safety a priority.