Detaching and disappointed
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 316
Detaching and disappointed
When I confronted my DH about 10 days ago after a drunken evening, he made many apologies and told me he would go to AA (we went together to one meeting and picked up the Big Blue Book) and he would work the steps. Since then he has been, to the best of my knowledge, pot-free and sober. He's off work this week and greeted me with a "Hi, I got a lot of stuff done today" which he did "so I can relax the rest of the week. And I've been doing some meditation and juicing so I can detox" And I said, "That's great, and the Big Blue Book is there on the bookshelf too that you said you wanted to read. " (I know, I know.) And DH said, "OR, I can use my MIND, which is much stronger than any book." RIIIGHT.
Sigh. I had had hopes that we would work our programs together, AA and Alanon. We had agreed I'd go with him to AA as support and he could come to Alanon with me. I can tell he's backpedaling and thinking he can just stop and be dry and he'll be fine - like he's done once or twice a year the ten years we've been married and it obviously hasn't worked. I understand I can't make him do anything and I'm going to continue to read my books and go to Alanon, but I so want to call b*llshit and tell him off. Said my prayers today that I could let go and let God and focus on my own stuff.
Sigh. I had had hopes that we would work our programs together, AA and Alanon. We had agreed I'd go with him to AA as support and he could come to Alanon with me. I can tell he's backpedaling and thinking he can just stop and be dry and he'll be fine - like he's done once or twice a year the ten years we've been married and it obviously hasn't worked. I understand I can't make him do anything and I'm going to continue to read my books and go to Alanon, but I so want to call b*llshit and tell him off. Said my prayers today that I could let go and let God and focus on my own stuff.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
When my first husband first read the Big Book (it's the "Big Book," not the "Big Blue Book," even though it IS blue), he related to a lot of it, but after one meeting he didn't think he needed AA. A short time later, after more failed attempts to "do it on his own," I took a break from the relationship. Within a matter of weeks, he went to AA ON HIS OWN (lol, he was actually driven by a cokehead co-worker who got clean and sober a few years later), and he will celebrate 36 years of continuous sobriety in a couple of weeks.
My SUGGESTION is that you back off and let him decide whether he's capable of doing it on his own (some people actually are able to --most of them do a lot of internal work on themselves similar to what the 12 Steps are intended to accomplish). YOU go to Al-Anon. Having been married to two alcoholics (and now seven years sober, myself), I think it's critical for people to pursue their own recovery without a partner sitting there holding their hands during meetings. I can almost always peg the folks who come in with a significant other clutching their hands during every meeting as those who won't make it--at least not right then. Recovery is best undertaken with those who are experiencing the same issues we are, not with the person we're already usually enmeshed with to an unhealthy degree.
My SUGGESTION is that you back off and let him decide whether he's capable of doing it on his own (some people actually are able to --most of them do a lot of internal work on themselves similar to what the 12 Steps are intended to accomplish). YOU go to Al-Anon. Having been married to two alcoholics (and now seven years sober, myself), I think it's critical for people to pursue their own recovery without a partner sitting there holding their hands during meetings. I can almost always peg the folks who come in with a significant other clutching their hands during every meeting as those who won't make it--at least not right then. Recovery is best undertaken with those who are experiencing the same issues we are, not with the person we're already usually enmeshed with to an unhealthy degree.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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I had had hopes that we would work our programs together, AA and Alanon. We had agreed I'd go with him to AA as support and he could come to Alanon with me.
Well, I know that sounds like a nice idea, especially just starting out, but there's a really good reason that there are two different meetings. It's fine to go to some open AA meeting to get the perspective from that side, and frankly lots of AAs also need Alanon (how many alcoholics DON'T have an alcoholic relative or friend, right?), but each program is individual. The level of enmeshment in alcoholic relationships is already off the charts unhealthy. A huge part of recovery is learning to own your own stuff and let go of other people's.
Keep working YOUR program, reading your book(s) and leave him to do what he's going to do. More will be revealed.
Well, I know that sounds like a nice idea, especially just starting out, but there's a really good reason that there are two different meetings. It's fine to go to some open AA meeting to get the perspective from that side, and frankly lots of AAs also need Alanon (how many alcoholics DON'T have an alcoholic relative or friend, right?), but each program is individual. The level of enmeshment in alcoholic relationships is already off the charts unhealthy. A huge part of recovery is learning to own your own stuff and let go of other people's.
Keep working YOUR program, reading your book(s) and leave him to do what he's going to do. More will be revealed.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
One other thought I'd add. If you decide to go to a few open AA meetings just to better educate yourself about alcoholism (which I HIGHLY recommend), I'd hit ones that he's not likely to go to (if he does decide to start going). Same thing with him and Al-Anon meetings--if he needs it, or wants to learn about it, he should go to meetings that you don't go to.
Meetings should be a place where members can feel free to talk about whatever is on their mind, without any concern that it will get back to a partner.
Once you're both solidly in recovery and working your programs, there's no harm in hitting the occasional meeting together. But as a steady thing, it's generally a bad idea.
Meetings should be a place where members can feel free to talk about whatever is on their mind, without any concern that it will get back to a partner.
Once you're both solidly in recovery and working your programs, there's no harm in hitting the occasional meeting together. But as a steady thing, it's generally a bad idea.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
agreed...among the many reason the wheels fell off MY sobriety long ago was that i stopped attending MY AA meetings and instead defaulted to my husband's NA meetings and neither of us were then really free to SHARE as we needed to with the group. i "gave up" my seat in the rooms of AA, and then when i DID start drinking again, my husband was concerned about MY image at HIS meetings so he never said a thing............
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