Finally told him how I feel
Learning to LIve
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: NSW Australia
Posts: 908
Finally told him how I feel
Well I did it. I finally told my husband and partner of over 20 years that I want a trial separation. The conversation could have gone better but I got emotional. If this is want I want why am I so sad?
I have not given him a date to be out by. I have told him to start looking. It was very hostile in the house last night as is to be expected I guess. He is welcome in the house while he is looking .. I think I made that clear .. to got too darn emotional
.
My main concern is the kids. I am not sure when they need to be told and exactly what they need to be told. They are 14 and 12. I will try to discuss this with him when he gets up and before I collect the kids from a sleep over.up. I really NEED to stop getting emotional.
I need to stop future tripping. I am really looking forward to a mini-camping weekend away with the kids in the New Year.
I just feel sad and tired and lonely.
I have not given him a date to be out by. I have told him to start looking. It was very hostile in the house last night as is to be expected I guess. He is welcome in the house while he is looking .. I think I made that clear .. to got too darn emotional
.
My main concern is the kids. I am not sure when they need to be told and exactly what they need to be told. They are 14 and 12. I will try to discuss this with him when he gets up and before I collect the kids from a sleep over.up. I really NEED to stop getting emotional.
I need to stop future tripping. I am really looking forward to a mini-camping weekend away with the kids in the New Year.
I just feel sad and tired and lonely.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
LSC1.....don't be afraid (or ashamed) of your emotions. They exist for a p urpose---a good purpose. It is natures way of allowing us to get out the negative energy....
I think all of us are emotional at times like this......
I am a poster child for emotionallity.....
dandylion
I think all of us are emotional at times like this......
I am a poster child for emotionallity.....
dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I wouldn't tell the kids anything until there is a definite plan in place. Kids do best, I think, when they know what's going on. If it's a "trial separation" then there won't be a lot of certainty, but waiting until Dad knows where he's going and when would probably be easier on them than "we're planning to separate and your dad's looking for a place to live."
Learning to LIve
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: NSW Australia
Posts: 908
He is not handling it very well. He is wandering around town. He won't come home to the kids. They have not been told anything yet
He just needs to carry on He can't do that. He is very anxious and emotional.
He just needs to carry on He can't do that. He is very anxious and emotional.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Maybe he shouldn't come home to the kids at this emotional time. They certainly do not need to have a front row seat.
Of course you feel sad, tired and lonely.
The only thing I know for sure about this awful disease, you currently cannot predict anything about him
except he will be someone you have never met before. Alcoholism robs us of our inner joy, our inner peace and security.
Take care of you and the kids, allow him the dignity to figure out his own adult life!
Of course you feel sad, tired and lonely.
The only thing I know for sure about this awful disease, you currently cannot predict anything about him
except he will be someone you have never met before. Alcoholism robs us of our inner joy, our inner peace and security.
Take care of you and the kids, allow him the dignity to figure out his own adult life!
Learning to LIve
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: NSW Australia
Posts: 908
So now the nasty texts start ... I think he is at home (walked around the back way) and snuck into our room (I could be wrong). I am not responding to the text or checking the bedroom. It has been peaceful in our house this evening (even though I have been concerned about where he is. Can you believe the kids have not seen him ALL day and I just got the question "when is Daddy coming home? .... It is 834pm ... it is going to be a long night.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
I'm sorry you are going through this, you are doing what I
so deeply regret not doing when my children were young.
You have the chance to show and teach them how a couple
should treat each other and most importantly how they
should expect to be treated in a loving relationship.
I applaud and admire you for your bravery! Stay strong, for
you and your kids.
I grew up watching my parents drunken fights, the home was filled withsadness and tension and fear. We kids were given as much attention as a piece of furniture thanks to all the drama. I learned to be weak and scared and invisible. Sadly, all these years later, I realize what happened to me and how it affected my life. I thought I
understood and was "healed". Bahahahahaha
I pray that my grown children will fair better, but I know they have been harmed by growing up with AD although no violence.
Thoughts and prayers to you & kids. You have lots of wonderful support here. I know my life would have been different had I had it years ago.
so deeply regret not doing when my children were young.
You have the chance to show and teach them how a couple
should treat each other and most importantly how they
should expect to be treated in a loving relationship.
I applaud and admire you for your bravery! Stay strong, for
you and your kids.
I grew up watching my parents drunken fights, the home was filled withsadness and tension and fear. We kids were given as much attention as a piece of furniture thanks to all the drama. I learned to be weak and scared and invisible. Sadly, all these years later, I realize what happened to me and how it affected my life. I thought I
understood and was "healed". Bahahahahaha
I pray that my grown children will fair better, but I know they have been harmed by growing up with AD although no violence.
Thoughts and prayers to you & kids. You have lots of wonderful support here. I know my life would have been different had I had it years ago.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
He may need to leave sooner--stay with family perhaps-- if he isn't going to behave
in a mature way because of the children.
You also had better set a date for him out even if you have to help with deposit, etc. to get rolling.
Prolonging the pain isn't really kindness if you are in proximity, and not good for kids.
in a mature way because of the children.
You also had better set a date for him out even if you have to help with deposit, etc. to get rolling.
Prolonging the pain isn't really kindness if you are in proximity, and not good for kids.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
He feels like he has no where to go.
Feeling like he has nowhere to go is different than not having anywhere to go. He is an adult, let him figure it out. Maybe it's time he experiences some the the discomfort of his selfish life choices. He has zero problem making your household uncomfortable on a daily basis.
Feeling like he has nowhere to go is different than not having anywhere to go. He is an adult, let him figure it out. Maybe it's time he experiences some the the discomfort of his selfish life choices. He has zero problem making your household uncomfortable on a daily basis.
Learning to LIve
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: NSW Australia
Posts: 908
We have no family here. He has a lot of drinking mates. A couple of sensible mates. A few positives he took himself to the doctor .. I am not sure exactly what was discussed .. but he has been prescribed anti- depressants and has an appointment with a psychologist. I am sure MY issues were not discussed... lack of intimacy and his drinking.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Sounds like he's playing the pathetic card, acting like he has nowhere to go. Obviously he can arrange alternative accommodation; do you thinking he's hanging in there waiting for you to give in? Is the doctor's visit new? If so he's also bargaining, doing enough to keep himself at home.
Maybe you should set a time limit.
Maybe you should set a time limit.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
Yes--I agree with FG--he's going through the motions of "doing something"
so you won't push him to find a place.
I suggest again, unless you really didn't mean for him to move out,
that you set a firm date and tell him you meant what you said about separation.
If he chooses to deal with his issues after moving, great, but either way
you aren't living with him as he is.
so you won't push him to find a place.
I suggest again, unless you really didn't mean for him to move out,
that you set a firm date and tell him you meant what you said about separation.
If he chooses to deal with his issues after moving, great, but either way
you aren't living with him as he is.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Then I guess he'd best GET somewhere to go.
The last ex I kicked out (with a day's notice--you're out of here TODAY, pal) did the same, "I've got no place to GO." My response: "Not my problem." (I had told him a couple weeks before that I wanted to break up and he was supposedly "looking" but hadn't lifted a finger.)
He went and stayed at a motel for a few days and then moved into an apartment. It's amazing what can be accomplished when one's feet are to the fire.
The last ex I kicked out (with a day's notice--you're out of here TODAY, pal) did the same, "I've got no place to GO." My response: "Not my problem." (I had told him a couple weeks before that I wanted to break up and he was supposedly "looking" but hadn't lifted a finger.)
He went and stayed at a motel for a few days and then moved into an apartment. It's amazing what can be accomplished when one's feet are to the fire.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
LSC1......here is the thing....unless the drinking is dealt with.....nothing else will matter.......
I don't know his drinking history....and, certainly visiting the doctor and seeing a psychologist is always a good thing, in my book....However....these people are not miracle workers....the patient has to be HONEST and have a desire (at some level) to get better....
An alcoholic is not beyond leaving out key information or manipulating the doctors.....
Often they will hope that they can substitute "seeing the doctors" as a SUBSTITUTE for actually participating in alcohol treatment.....Being called an alcoholic or giving up the drink forever is the last thing on earth that they want to face (denial of the true problem).
It is frequently a move to get the wife or partner off their back. To "prove" to the wife that they are "trying"......
The loved one is often so thrilled that he/she is "trying" ....and therefore, will succeed in giving up the drink (thus, life will become great), that they capitulate and go back to the status quo.
Even when the alcoholic does get into alcohol treatment....and quits drinking....there is the early recovery period with a lot of unrest......and, then the, usually damaged marriage or relationship to be repaired. sometimes it is possible; sometimes, it is too little--too late.....
Even if the alcoholic is in denial as to the seriousness of the situation....the loved one can't afford to be!!
dandylion
I don't know his drinking history....and, certainly visiting the doctor and seeing a psychologist is always a good thing, in my book....However....these people are not miracle workers....the patient has to be HONEST and have a desire (at some level) to get better....
An alcoholic is not beyond leaving out key information or manipulating the doctors.....
Often they will hope that they can substitute "seeing the doctors" as a SUBSTITUTE for actually participating in alcohol treatment.....Being called an alcoholic or giving up the drink forever is the last thing on earth that they want to face (denial of the true problem).
It is frequently a move to get the wife or partner off their back. To "prove" to the wife that they are "trying"......
The loved one is often so thrilled that he/she is "trying" ....and therefore, will succeed in giving up the drink (thus, life will become great), that they capitulate and go back to the status quo.
Even when the alcoholic does get into alcohol treatment....and quits drinking....there is the early recovery period with a lot of unrest......and, then the, usually damaged marriage or relationship to be repaired. sometimes it is possible; sometimes, it is too little--too late.....
Even if the alcoholic is in denial as to the seriousness of the situation....the loved one can't afford to be!!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
In regards to the kids- mine were taken by surprise when my XAH moved out while I was on a business trip... I didn't get to be there to explain and had to wait over 24 hrs to get home to them...
I say this because if he's in the anger stage (or if he finds out his doc appts aren't "enough" and you follow through) he could make it damaging to the kids.
If you stand firm and pick a date, I'd tell him you're going to talk to the kids at X time (that day- don't give him too much lead time) and let them know when he's moving out. I suggest telling the kids it will be a minimum of a year and sticking to that yourself. Say it out loud to make it real. He can blow magic smoke and get back in before then if you're not careful.
The thing my kids were most angry about was the unknown. One said "you guys need to get your story straight" because the things my X said were not at all what we agreed to. So I made him come sit with me and clarify things for the kids. To this day I don't think he knows what he said to them before that.
This is really tough and an emotional thing. That's okay! I was lifted by how much my kids already knew and needed to see me help myself and them...having everything in the open felt so good in a way.
And when he was gone--the very first day--it was so peaceful. We all felt the cloud lift.
Your head will clear and you will find your way.
Hugs to you.
I say this because if he's in the anger stage (or if he finds out his doc appts aren't "enough" and you follow through) he could make it damaging to the kids.
If you stand firm and pick a date, I'd tell him you're going to talk to the kids at X time (that day- don't give him too much lead time) and let them know when he's moving out. I suggest telling the kids it will be a minimum of a year and sticking to that yourself. Say it out loud to make it real. He can blow magic smoke and get back in before then if you're not careful.
The thing my kids were most angry about was the unknown. One said "you guys need to get your story straight" because the things my X said were not at all what we agreed to. So I made him come sit with me and clarify things for the kids. To this day I don't think he knows what he said to them before that.
This is really tough and an emotional thing. That's okay! I was lifted by how much my kids already knew and needed to see me help myself and them...having everything in the open felt so good in a way.
And when he was gone--the very first day--it was so peaceful. We all felt the cloud lift.
Your head will clear and you will find your way.
Hugs to you.
Learning to LIve
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: NSW Australia
Posts: 908
He is still at home .. I am still frustrated.. his response to the discussion has been to be "super nice" ... rather sickening really... I know it is just to keep me happy so I don't tell him how I feel ....which is : he NEEDS to get a job...I am no longer happy to financially support him....that he NEEDS to stop drinking (he has cut back significantly) .... that I can't live in this plutonic marriage any longer (it has been 4 years since any intimacy) .... I don't know if I am attracted to him any more anyways .... that if we have any chance of staying together we need counselling (both individual and couples)... he needs to move out
YEP that is basically ALL I need to say to him.
YEP that is basically ALL I need to say to him.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi LSC1, I can well imagine it's frustrating. So he's put any plans to move out on hold I take it, to test whether you really mean it? How about writing it down, as honestly as you can?
If he flat out refuses to leave, you may need to see where you stand legally if you want to stay in the house. Or consider moving yourself, but that's not ideal of course.
You might even need to get brutally honest with him rather than trying to soften the blow.
If he flat out refuses to leave, you may need to see where you stand legally if you want to stay in the house. Or consider moving yourself, but that's not ideal of course.
You might even need to get brutally honest with him rather than trying to soften the blow.
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