Feeling scared...........
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
Feeling scared...........
I know I need to file for divorce and move forward - it is the only way I will have a chance at a normal life - if I even know what that is. I have never lived alone ...........never - except for when my sons were in college but they always came home. My youngest is getting ready to get his first "real Job" so proud of him but have to admit I am scared! AH#2 moved out over a year ago- he is down the street though which gave me some sense of security - I did not have to see him drunk - ever - and he did help me with our house when I needed it. Now what? I can't stay in this house - we own it jointly - I don't want to live across the street from him- I know he will be dating soon enough- he told me - we are in a rural waterfront community- everyone knows us - really a weird situation. He lives with Mommy and Daddy where they take care of him - makes me sad nobody takes care of me but me - but then I say grow up Redheadsusie - that is what most people do. My parents are gone - my sisters live in a bigger city nearby- I may move there - but my business is here - I built up a real estate business- scared to do that again- I work on 100% commission. Nothing to fall back on - I know I just need to deal with today- or right now- but I am overwhelmed with sadness and insecurity- I feel like a piece of **** even though I know I tried my best - this is marriage #2 - I have always dated or married A's - always - have to figure that out. Have to learn I am enough and that I can do this- I raised 2 great sons by myself despite all the madness of being with an A. I have a Golden doodle that is my companion and I adore her - my fear is croaking in my house and nobody knowing I am there which is silly - I am healthy- young - but my Dad let my Mom basically die upstairs in their house and never checked on her. They both drank a lot - I am not her - I don't drink - I don't smoke- I don't have COPD. I need to get a grip and I don't know how. I am letting the voice of AH tell me nobody will ever be with me and I was a horrible wife and hateful person. Screw it ...............
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Is there some middle ground? Could you move to a new place that's near enough to maintain your business but also far enough to not be in the daily orbit of him and your in-laws? Are you two actually divorced? I'm guessing that there are ways to move on without totally leaving behind the parts of your life that are working, if that's what you want to do. Are you getting any support? Al-anon?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
None of this seems insurmountable. If the "bigger city" is nearby, it doesn't seem like it would be that burdensome to maintain your business, at least in the beginning, and running it from your new location. I think what you have to be careful of is jumping into a new relationship too soon to avoid being alone.
If you have a good relationship with your sister, plan to check in with her once a day for a quick phone call. That can ease your mind about having an accident or something and no one knowing.
You can make new friends if you move, too. Al-Anon can be a great way to build a network of friends quickly, as well as helping you learn things that will help you avoid the patterns that are holding you back.
Once you get used to it, living alone can be AWESOME. I just met three former coworkers for lunch--two of them never married (and haven't lived with anyone in literally decades) and the other was widowed just a few years ago. They are all doing interesting, fun things.
If you have a good relationship with your sister, plan to check in with her once a day for a quick phone call. That can ease your mind about having an accident or something and no one knowing.
You can make new friends if you move, too. Al-Anon can be a great way to build a network of friends quickly, as well as helping you learn things that will help you avoid the patterns that are holding you back.
Once you get used to it, living alone can be AWESOME. I just met three former coworkers for lunch--two of them never married (and haven't lived with anyone in literally decades) and the other was widowed just a few years ago. They are all doing interesting, fun things.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
One of the best parts of being a "big girl" and operating all on your own is that you get to choose your own self talk.
My guess is that a woman who raised two wonderful sons and built a successful real estate business, when she gets down to brass tacks, will say things like
"Wow I really made it on my own as a businesswoman!"
"It is a great reflection on me that my sons are super people, given the trauma and troubles I had to deal with while raising them. Yea for all of us!"
"I am ready to leave all these alcoholics and addicts and co-dependents in the dust. TIME FOR ME TO GET MOVING!"
"It is so great that all these burdens that I surmounted - and did so successfully for years - are no longer mine to bear. I get to be free!"
"It is finally MY time. I can focus on the best of me and be the best I want to be, and I AM READY!!!!!"
All the rest of it - - Sounds like people have cycled THEIR fears through YOUR head for enough years now. Most of the negative thoughts you mention are of what other people have said - people with a vested interest in seeing you not succeed - or negative events other people never surmounted and are therefore stuck with.
Time for some counselling, just for you. Maybe even a weekend to an inspirational motivational session... Whatever gets you going.
What I learned when I left my then alcoholic abusive husband of almost 20 years was that I had been living MY life through HIS lens of life. It just wasn't true. I was - and am - far more capable, competent, creative, persistent, and successful than he ever wanted me to know.
So are you. You are free. You are talented. You have a lot to give. And you get to choose exactly who you are and who you want to be with no naysayers influencing you.
Time to ditch the negative voices that aren't yours. Time to build your life around your capacity, your power, your success.
ShootingStar1
My guess is that a woman who raised two wonderful sons and built a successful real estate business, when she gets down to brass tacks, will say things like
"Wow I really made it on my own as a businesswoman!"
"It is a great reflection on me that my sons are super people, given the trauma and troubles I had to deal with while raising them. Yea for all of us!"
"I am ready to leave all these alcoholics and addicts and co-dependents in the dust. TIME FOR ME TO GET MOVING!"
"It is so great that all these burdens that I surmounted - and did so successfully for years - are no longer mine to bear. I get to be free!"
"It is finally MY time. I can focus on the best of me and be the best I want to be, and I AM READY!!!!!"
All the rest of it - - Sounds like people have cycled THEIR fears through YOUR head for enough years now. Most of the negative thoughts you mention are of what other people have said - people with a vested interest in seeing you not succeed - or negative events other people never surmounted and are therefore stuck with.
Time for some counselling, just for you. Maybe even a weekend to an inspirational motivational session... Whatever gets you going.
What I learned when I left my then alcoholic abusive husband of almost 20 years was that I had been living MY life through HIS lens of life. It just wasn't true. I was - and am - far more capable, competent, creative, persistent, and successful than he ever wanted me to know.
So are you. You are free. You are talented. You have a lot to give. And you get to choose exactly who you are and who you want to be with no naysayers influencing you.
Time to ditch the negative voices that aren't yours. Time to build your life around your capacity, your power, your success.
ShootingStar1
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
Wow! Thank you so much for your words of inspiration! I am so grateful and deep down somewhere inside this red headed lady I know that I can do this and I know that there is something great out there waiting for me! Thank you again I truly am indebted to all of you here!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,237
With about 20 yrs sobriety at the time,
almost married 25 yrs, living in Houston,
not my hometown and miserable, lonely
and discontent, most of my marriage I
was an at home mom until we moved
and kids were out of the house in college
that I decided to work a few part time jobs.
I wanted soooo much to return to Baton
Rouge, to my familiarity, recovery support
family and continued to put my faith, will
and life into the Hands of my HP, Higher
Power, God of my understanding, to do
with me as He will with me.
I applied for banking teller positions in B. R. ,
something i had done before i became a full time
mom. Then, one day i got a call for an interview.
I told my then husband and he came
with me for that interview waiting, and
when i got the position, I know God could
would do for me as long as I continued to
believe in Him.
My husband helped me find an apt.
and get me moved safe and sound
as we knew we'd be ending our marriage.
Before all this happened, I knew what
I wanted and because of the fear i had
of not really knowing how to go about
looking for a way out of my marriage,
not really knowing what kind of job i
could get to support myself, fear of the
unknown kept me parralazed for a long
time until i began to do the footwork.
My husband knew i was looking to
get a job as a teller right there in Houston,
filling out applications, going to interviews
with nothing panning out there until I
got the call from Baton Rouge.
That call became my ticket back
to Baton Rouge, moving into an
apt., my second time to experience
living on my own as the first one
was when i was 18 and working
in sales and banking.
That experience allowed me to fall
back on it because i knew since I
could survive on my own at that
time in my life, then i was able to
repeat it again, but this time i would
be fully sober for a good amount
of time.
After i moved home to B.R. and
connected to my recovery support
family, my little teller job didn't pan
out because at 50 yrs old and so much
has changed in banking as far as computer
wise, (I'm not that great with it), they
let me go.
Panic set in as didn't know what else
i could do at that point. So with in 2 weeks,
i had done the footwork, applying at a few
jobs and interviewed, then a friend in AA
told me about a local Bakery needing help.
Sooooo, i gathered myself, and because
i loved baking, especially for all those AA
meeting I went to and brought goodies
to them all, i knew that was my nitch.
Sure enough, i got the job in customer
service and that set me on a full time
job being able to remain in my apt.
and take care of my little bills.
It wasn't long, about 1yr, working
and going to my meetings when once
again my HP blessed me. He placed
someone new in my life.
Come Valentine's Day 2016, we will
celebrate 7 yrs marriage. What an
awesome gift and blessing.
I continue to have faith and belief in
my HP, that He will continue to guide
me. protect me, take care of me in lifes
situations as long as I continue to place
my will and life into His Hands.
In knowing that, fears, anxiety seem
to melt away and strength within prevails.
Stay Strong..!!!
almost married 25 yrs, living in Houston,
not my hometown and miserable, lonely
and discontent, most of my marriage I
was an at home mom until we moved
and kids were out of the house in college
that I decided to work a few part time jobs.
I wanted soooo much to return to Baton
Rouge, to my familiarity, recovery support
family and continued to put my faith, will
and life into the Hands of my HP, Higher
Power, God of my understanding, to do
with me as He will with me.
I applied for banking teller positions in B. R. ,
something i had done before i became a full time
mom. Then, one day i got a call for an interview.
I told my then husband and he came
with me for that interview waiting, and
when i got the position, I know God could
would do for me as long as I continued to
believe in Him.
My husband helped me find an apt.
and get me moved safe and sound
as we knew we'd be ending our marriage.
Before all this happened, I knew what
I wanted and because of the fear i had
of not really knowing how to go about
looking for a way out of my marriage,
not really knowing what kind of job i
could get to support myself, fear of the
unknown kept me parralazed for a long
time until i began to do the footwork.
My husband knew i was looking to
get a job as a teller right there in Houston,
filling out applications, going to interviews
with nothing panning out there until I
got the call from Baton Rouge.
That call became my ticket back
to Baton Rouge, moving into an
apt., my second time to experience
living on my own as the first one
was when i was 18 and working
in sales and banking.
That experience allowed me to fall
back on it because i knew since I
could survive on my own at that
time in my life, then i was able to
repeat it again, but this time i would
be fully sober for a good amount
of time.
After i moved home to B.R. and
connected to my recovery support
family, my little teller job didn't pan
out because at 50 yrs old and so much
has changed in banking as far as computer
wise, (I'm not that great with it), they
let me go.
Panic set in as didn't know what else
i could do at that point. So with in 2 weeks,
i had done the footwork, applying at a few
jobs and interviewed, then a friend in AA
told me about a local Bakery needing help.
Sooooo, i gathered myself, and because
i loved baking, especially for all those AA
meeting I went to and brought goodies
to them all, i knew that was my nitch.
Sure enough, i got the job in customer
service and that set me on a full time
job being able to remain in my apt.
and take care of my little bills.
It wasn't long, about 1yr, working
and going to my meetings when once
again my HP blessed me. He placed
someone new in my life.
Come Valentine's Day 2016, we will
celebrate 7 yrs marriage. What an
awesome gift and blessing.
I continue to have faith and belief in
my HP, that He will continue to guide
me. protect me, take care of me in lifes
situations as long as I continue to place
my will and life into His Hands.
In knowing that, fears, anxiety seem
to melt away and strength within prevails.
Stay Strong..!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,237
After I moved back to B.R. my then husband
and I were just separated. A yr later my now
husband and I met at a meeting. Several months
down the road we began taking steps to move
the divorce proceeding forward.
It was my now husband who had all
the experience and knowledge to help
me work towards a speedy divorce
leaving out all the excess emotions
or complications.
He had a lawyer to use and we left
everything in his hands to communicate
with my spouse so that it could end
peacefully and in a few months all
papers were signed and agreed upon
with little to no verbal, emotional
communication between us.
I don't believe I could have gone thru
this experience by myself as I had
learned in early recovery that I never
have to go thru anything by myself
again because there will always be
someone who has been there, done
the same similar things and have the
knowledge and wisdom to help me.
All I needed to do was ask in talking
to others. If they don't know the answers
themselves then id ask them if they know
of someones else that can help me.
The more I share whatever situation
I have that I cant handle myself with
others then somewhere along the line
someone will be recommended to me
to help.
The answers will never just fall in my
lap. It will take some work on my part
if im going to receive the answers of what
Im looking for.
Don't be afraid to ask for what you
need. Not necessarily for what you
want, but for what you need to proceed
forward to solving this situation so that
you can receive all the happiness and
freedom you deserve in life.
and I were just separated. A yr later my now
husband and I met at a meeting. Several months
down the road we began taking steps to move
the divorce proceeding forward.
It was my now husband who had all
the experience and knowledge to help
me work towards a speedy divorce
leaving out all the excess emotions
or complications.
He had a lawyer to use and we left
everything in his hands to communicate
with my spouse so that it could end
peacefully and in a few months all
papers were signed and agreed upon
with little to no verbal, emotional
communication between us.
I don't believe I could have gone thru
this experience by myself as I had
learned in early recovery that I never
have to go thru anything by myself
again because there will always be
someone who has been there, done
the same similar things and have the
knowledge and wisdom to help me.
All I needed to do was ask in talking
to others. If they don't know the answers
themselves then id ask them if they know
of someones else that can help me.
The more I share whatever situation
I have that I cant handle myself with
others then somewhere along the line
someone will be recommended to me
to help.
The answers will never just fall in my
lap. It will take some work on my part
if im going to receive the answers of what
Im looking for.
Don't be afraid to ask for what you
need. Not necessarily for what you
want, but for what you need to proceed
forward to solving this situation so that
you can receive all the happiness and
freedom you deserve in life.
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