Carrie2015

Good news. I am two years out of a relationship with my ex-AL and no signs of dating another one. I seem to have developed a pretty good radar and awareness. Bad new...I am still learning how to trust my instincts when it comes to passive aggressive behavior and micro aggression. This situation is not huge, but for me, it's symbolic of my difficulty with communication.

I have a male friend who has developed from a lover to a friend. He and I both agreed but he was not totally happy about it. So we hang sometimes and enjoy each other's company. Last night, we were text chatting about nothing in particular and we said our good nights. Then after about 5 minutes he writes, "Just thinking.... Is there still an physical attraction to me on your part?" I thought carefully how to answer as honest as I can, and I said, "I don't let myself think about that question. It's not on the table so my mind stays away from that kind of pondering. "

He answered, "Nuff said, Goodnight".

Ok, so I felt my heart starting to beat hard and I have learned to pay attention when that happens. Mind you we have not been intimate for 6 months. I replied, "No, "nuff said" doesn't tell me what you are feeling. It sounds defensive to me." He wrote, "Nope, not defensive".

God, this seems so little, but little comments like that mean so much. I assume he is unhappy with our arrangement, otherwise, why did he ask me. I answered him as honestly as I can, but the "Nuff said" made me so angry. I have a really hard time deciphering what people say and I then make huge assumptions and spend hours trying to figure them out...just like I am doing in with this question in this forum. So I started asking him what he meant by "Nuff said" and why did he ask and it just got worse and worse. Bottom line, he never answered why he asked. Again, I can assume, but now I just feel icky and dumped on and questioning our friendship.

I guess I need to vent. I am very confused over passive aggressive and why it's so difficult to talk with him. This inability to communicate is why I broke it off. Too much work.

C

DoubleBarrel

A lot of guys have great big egos, and sometimes can't figure out how to be mature and talk about their feelings of rejection.

Perhaps he still has feelings for you, perhaps hes just trolling for some physical interaction.

I'm guessing by the way things were phrased, its the former, and your response felt like a rejection. Even that little comment was "putting himself out there" and likely felt vulnerable.

If things were going well, and you called it off, why are you guys still friends? Sounds like the communication was the issue, not the physical stuff.

If hes an addict, he's even more likely to not be particularly mature about this, unless hes in active recovery.

AnvilheadII

i wasn't there but it doesn't sound P/A to ME....he asked if you were still into him sexually, and you said NO in a round about way and he said, well ok then. end of discussion.

now you know that trying to just be friends with the opposite sex after having HAD an intimate relationship is probably going to end in the ditch right? as you said he was unhappy with the arrangement, but hangs around.....in the hopes that you will change your mind again. thus why he ASKED......

also when a guy says "nuff said" or "ok" and offers NO more? LEAVE IT. they are DONE talking. he probably already felt a little silly even asking you, then proceeds to get hammered on (from his perspective).

not sure why you thought if you guys couldn't communicate before, you'd suddenly be able to now. it might be better to just let this relationship fizzle out - nobody is getting their needs met.

Carrie2015

Thanks for your comment. We called it off, because I had too much on my plate; i.e. taking care of my daughter with a brain injury and he wanted too much of my time and attention and it was exhausting me. So, we didn't see each other for a couple months, then slowly moved into the friend zone. While we were dating, I was ok with seeing him once a week and enjoyed our sexual connection, but he kept pushing for girlfriend, a future, seeing him several times a week. He is not an addict. But I think I still attract guys with deep communication problems. My dad can only speak passive/aggressive and is a huge self involved person and I get scared that is who I am drawn to.

Carrie2015

Ok. You are right. Damn. Ok. Nuff said. LOL.

DoubleBarrel

Sounds like the guy is hanging around with you because you have made that the ONLY option.

But it also seems pretty obvious that he really wants more.

Not really fair to him, or you, is it?

Carrie2015

No, it's not. I guess I am trying to have it all, and it isn't fair. He is a friend, but I don't want him as a romantic partner.

I really appreciate the forum for straight shooter answers.

AnvilheadII

I hope your daughter is doing better now!? that was very wise choice, to be in in-tune enough to know you had too much going on and your priority was your daughter!

Carrie2015

Thank you for your comment. Yes, she is still recovering, but is hugely better than last year at this time. And of course, she was my #1 priority, there was no confusion over that! I thought this guy could handle my limited time, but he really could not. I thought that was the only problem with us, but clearly it was much more.

Thank you for helping me see things clearer.

Refiner

I'd just like to thank YOU for pointing out this VERY important priority! Very refreshing to read as not all do this!!

Carrie2015

And here is some more great news. I am a grand mother to a two month old beautiful little boy. !!!!!! I was terrified when my daughter became pregnant due to her injuries, but both she and the baby are doing well. I am blessed. I have good friends, a wonderful daughter, a good job AND grand baby. Now if I can continue to avoid addicts and improve my romantic relationship skills, all will be well.

Refiner

That is so AWESOME, Carrie! Life can be SO awesome if we just let it sometimes!

dandylion

Carrie.....I don't think that this meets the criteria of "passive aggressive" either. I think more like anvilhead o n this......
YOU could have been more direct, actually.....

This is my experience and my observation of many others----when a relationship breaks up and one person wants "more".....(sexual; romantic)....it never works out.....

The kindest thing might be to let him know that you wil never..NEVER...EVER...be a girlfriend to him......EVER.....

(think Taylor Swift).....

dandylion

Carrie2015

You are right. I need to 100 percent clear and I have not. (Which Taylor Swift song is that?)

FeelingGreat

Carrie, I am an expert on PA, having been brought up by a PA mother, and your exchange isn't in that category. He sounds nice.

Thomas45

Just a side observation, but his question was rather direct and open, and your response was the one that was rather indirect and vague. Someone being physically attractive isn't a matter of thinking or not thinking about it, either you consider someone handsome or you don't, but that doesn't have to mean that you want to be intimate with them.

Do you think you would have received a better reply from him had you said,

-"Yes, I think you are handsome but I am not interested in a relationship for the reasons we discussed in the past," or
-"No, I don't find you handsome but you are a (comment on what attracted you to him) kind of guy. But I'm not interested in restarting the relationship for the reasons we discussed in the past."

Do you see how your own overly guarded answer potentially contributed towards his closing remarks? Saying "well, I don't think about whether you're attractive" is a bit of a cop out answer, and that would make anybody annoyed to be on the receiving end of it, especially a guy who clearly still has feelings for you.

Just from the perspective of a guy, he asked you because he is still interested in you. Either he wants to get back together and he's trying to find an opening to discuss the possibility, or he's feeling insecure about the reasons why you broke up with him and is looking for validation that women consider him physically attractive.

Carrie2015

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I am having to reevaluate my conversation with him and why I was not more direct. I got taken off guard because we have had several conversations about being platonic and that how we don't work as a couple but can be good as friends. But the truth is, I think I have not been crystal clear in the sense of never, ever, will we be lovers again. So, then I have to ask myself, why. I have been thinking all day about my answer. I think it's because I am scared of losing him as a friend. The last three years have been awful with my daughter's brain injury and I have lost a few relationships. Having this man in my life was very good, until it wasn't. I am not in love with him and we have major differences in how we view a romantic relationship. But still, he is a good person and I would not want to lose him as a friend. So, I need to be honest and tell him that. I already apologized for my blow up last night. I lost my temper and that is not ok.

Carrie2015

I just wanted to thank everyone for your responses. You called out on my stuff, in the most direct yet gentle way. This why I come here. For me, true recovery started after the alcoholics were out of my life. It made me look at myself. No one else to point my finger at. Yikes and lol. I had a different conversation with my friend; much more direct and simple and it had a better outcome.