Zircon

Hi all,
Today is a new day. I find my life more quiet and peaceful without my ah. I find myself reliving and overthinking the events of the night the police escorted him out of the house. Could I have done anything different. My answer to myself is NO, even if I did, another incident was just waiting to happen.
There is nothing right about the disease of alcoholism. It is very cruel and self serving. Doesn't care about feelings, it how much pain it causes.
I feel very much in limbo. Not sure if I should continuing looking for my own place? I'm thinking I should, but if my ah doesn't return anytime soon, I could just pay the bills here and save some money.
There are so many uncertainties right now in my life. Only thing I'm sure of is I will not live this way anymore.
Not sure what to do with the rest of the stuff?

NYCDoglvr

First, I'm so sorry you are going through this pain. What I learned is that I'm powerless over people, places, things and other people's disease. There is nothing I can say or do that will affect someone elses drinking. Where my power lies is in taking care of myself and making my life as good as it can be. Alanon saved my sanity and my life, I recommend looking for local meetings. God bless...

LexieCat

Z,

You're not obligated to share ANYTHING with us. With that caveat, what is the deal with the protective order? You've said your lawyer was "going to file it," but that doesn't sound like a DV protective order, which, in every jurisdiction I know of, requires YOU to apply and to talk to the judge.

THAT kind of order REQUIRES him to vacate the premises. Not that a subsequent order couldn't change that, but as an initial matter you would have every right to stay put and he could NOT come back as long as it's in place.

I'm not sure whether you have an order and are unclear about what it means, or whether you haven't applied for one but are reluctant to tell us that. You can tell me it's none of my business (because it isn't), but it would be easier for us to know how to help if we knew what was going on with that.

dandylion

Zircon.....you could always file separation papers and ask for your ability to retain residency in the house.... He would be able to get his things by appointment--with the escort of a policeman....

I am not a lawyer....but, I have done that myself and I have known of many others to do that. Your lawyer will have the answers.....
Also, I hope you are continuing your contact with the domestic violence workers.....they will be able to give you support and assistance......they have lots of contacts and resources......

dandylion

redatlanta

I do think this is something you need to review with your attorney. If you can stay there and save money all the better - I would also look at if moving out in your state will have anything to do with splitting of assets later (some states have abandonment of property).

At the same time you do need to wade through and figure out is the environment is healthy or not. if it doesn't bother you then I would try to stay as long as you can stowing money at the same time.

If you haven't filed the Order please follow Lexie's advice and do so. One thing I wouldn't do under any circumstance is live in that house without an Order in place barring him from being there.

Zircon

Hi,
I don't mind sharing anything.
I guess I don't really understand the
process. My lawyer applied for an emergency protective order. For it to stick longer, we are going to have to go to court again.
And no, I don't think I understand everything it means.
I know my ah can't come near the house. My problem is I'm not sure I really want to stay in this house, even though it would be easier for me.
I have an appt with the lawyer on Tuesday, and im going to file divorce papers.
Please, feel free to ask or say anything. I appreciate the help and guidance. I think I don't have a really good handle on everything. I'm getting there, j hope.
Thank you all, Z

dandylion

Zircon.....the decision about whether to stay in the house or not is a decision that only you can make......We don't live in your skin...lol....
Maybe, you can make a list of pros and cons and mull it over in your mind as well as discussing it all with your lawyer.

dandylion

LexieCat

OK, yes, it's normal to have to go for a full hearing for a permanent (or long-term) protective order. I think you need to (1) confirm that the order has been ISSUED (and that he has been SERVED with it), (2) get a copy of the order and carry it with you at all times, and (3) find out when your hearing is for the final order. The best guidance you will get about the ins and outs of the protective order is from the DV advocates who are in your jurisdiction. If you haven't done so already, call your local women's shelter and ask to speak with an advocate. Tell them what you understand to be going on. They can explain EVERYTHING. Your lawyer might or might not know a lot about protective orders. I know some family law lawyers who are not very well-informed about them. With enough notice, an advocate can probably go with you to court for the hearing. It will cut down on the amount of explaining your lawyer will have to do (thereby saving you a bit of money, perhaps). They can also help you to think through whether to stay or go. It's a waste of money to pay a lawyer to do that. And anyway, the advocates are the experts on safety planning.

The advocate will totally understand what a difficult decision this is for you. They get it--and they might think of considerations that haven't even occurred to you. Please take advantage of their expertise--you will be glad you did.

amy55

Hi Z, was wondering how you are doing emotionally. Are you OK?

amy

Zircon

Hi,
Thank you for asking., I'm hanging in there. Didn't have the best day yesterday, but am looking forward to a better day today. How are things with you? I'll be glad when the holidays are over. I lost my aunt, this time last year, she and my mom were very close, then my mom about 6 weeks later. Was a very difficult year. Looking for a better year, this year.
Again, thank you for thinking about me. I know I'm not walking this road alone.
Z

amy55

Was today when you were supposed to see your lawyer? And no, you are never walking alone.

Eh, my holidays was so so, I think I glad also that this year will be over with.

I did want to say something about "limbo". That only happens when we are waiting for someone to dictate our lives, or that we need for them to agree with us.

I also have to agree with people here, that if you go back, it will get worse, first is they stepped over our boundaries, second, they got away with it.

Now either one of those will have someone escalate the abuse. You tried to get away, or you tried to stop it, or you put up with it. This will be taken as you weren't being controlled enough, and that is what escalates the abuse. You tried to have a "voice". That's not allowed.

Any time that you need to talk, please come here, if not DV support. We really do care about you.

(((((hugs)))))
amy