Husband runs out to fix daughters car .
 

What the heck is wrong with this picture? When I called him on it he said she apologized.I was there the whole time never heard any apology and seriously seconds??
The weird thing I have never so much called him any name and even been shunned for laughing when he fell or did something dumb..He somehow managed to get this from me even with all we been through and doesn't expect the same from our daughter??
Oh boy....

That's between the two of them, not your concern.

Yes, he's enabling, but you can't control either one of them, only you.

Denial or lying enabler?

Been there, experiencing it now.

The primary enabler here constantly make excuses for the alkie/addict and rationalizes more than the abuser sometimes.

I've tried to crack the enabler several times. Denial is a hard thing to over come. Sounds like daddy is protecting his little girl for what ever reason. The enablers here are afraid to stress the alkie/addict which is admission they have a problem yet won't take the pro active measures themselves. Sometimes that is a simple polite no.

Addicts & alkies are not only manipulative they know who will enable or help them without question and they will use them until they aggressively cut off.

True Lexie but what am I not able to be appalled at this behaviour. Do I not say anything at all.
I guess in reality they both know it's wrong and I'm grabbing the bate...oh geez I need help!

Sure, be appalled to your heart's content. I wouldn't waste too much time or energy on it, though.

It's not your job to "call him on it," is it? Did he ask for your help? Has he ever listened to any opinions you had on the subject?

Next time, if it irritates you, try walking away.

Oh my I try so many times getting better at it but it infuriates me that he cares so little for the human being she has become. He continues always to not teach values morals or respect yet quotes bible
Scriptures constantly.

He can't really "teach" her much as an adult at this point.
She is who she is--he can not tolerate rude behavior, but if he chooses to,
that's on him and you can't do a thing about it.

It just upsets you and changes nothing.

Oh boy I think I'm getting it.... But still get so angry....I want to shake him!!! But I know this would do nothing.
It will only upset me more and steal my joy.

Bluehawaii.....from where I sit....it looks like you are truly between a rock and a hard spot....

The daughter is ruling the roost... The family has dysfunctionally arranged itself to support and enable her (whether you intended to or not).....
The marriage has not met your needs for a long time....
The whole family is in the "dance" together....
This has gone on for a long time....the dynamics are deeply ingrained.....

The only thing that I can see that will change the dynamics is drastic action.

Remember the saying: Nothing changes if nothing changes.....?

Your daughter will not get better l iving in the parental home....

My suggestion.......Visit a lawyer and draw up separation papers....and, then move, with your younger daughter into an apartment of your own.

Bluehawaii...if you read my posts...you will seldom see me be so blunt....and, I am being that way with you......as I don't see wher anything less that drastic will make any difference.....

dandylion

By the way...I do think her behavior is appalling....and, so is his.....

Thanks dandelion...you are saying move in with ad? She is 24 how will this be helpful as she still refuses to be an adult like pay rent, follow house rules of respect..and not using as she still is in denial about her problems.
I don't see how letting her come with me will be helpful.
Please enlighten me if I m missing something?

And now he has just come home from buying lunch for her after she was going on her own to pick it up and was going to pay with her own cash but he insisted on paying for her. ����

You can do one of two things, make them leave, or leave yourself.

I would put her out of that house so fast......why haven't you?

If there's one thing I learned through 7 years with my late husband, I learned NOTHING comes between a man and his daughter if they both want it that way,
And it sounds like a win/ win for them. She gets what she wants. He gets to feel like he's being a good dad. It's a scary dynamic, but it happens more than you think.

I wish you well.

Sounds all too familiar. Many cynics say gifts express a feeling of guilt among other things. Maybe he felt he failed her and is trying to make it up. The apologist enablers are some of the worst

Or enablers in denial are just as common as "the guilty".

Dandylion was referring to your "younger daughter" but I'm not sure where she got that as I don't recall your mentioning another child. It's easy sometimes to confuse details with so many new people coming into SR all the time.

She WASN'T suggesting you move in with the addict daughter.

BH, they are BOTH adults, and don't need your interference. it doesn't matter, they are going to do EXACTLY as they wish. you can't make either of them see the light.......cuz they don't CARE and are deeply entrenched in their twisted little dysfunction. you're the third wheel in this scenario......sad but what it is. if you left today, they'd probably hardly notice.....

Bluehawaii.....I am sorry....I thought that I remembered something about a younger sister...but, Lexie is right....I probably got that mixed up with another poster.....
NO!......lol....I was NOT suggesting that you move in with addict daughter.....

Sorry....

dandylion

Thanks for your response...I have no idea why I haven't put her out...maybe because it Christmas...possibly because my husband wants her here and it's his home too...she does the perfect right amount of keeping you hooked behaviour...crying manipulating how hard things are for her,wanting help with getting school done as she works yet hasn't done any school work in months. It's an-online program..Has 4 months to complete subject but never does on time.Takes add meds to help concentrate now they don't work...ya think? With lorazepam anti depressants and alcohol?
Now is wanting to quit work go away (2 hours) to college and Finnish course.
I suspect thinking if she is out of town she won't be tempted to party.
She then gets belligerent of the slightest remark and back too hook .
She is sick right now as well. With bronchitis.
Dandelion no worries!! She has an older sister who just got married. She has come to me and has said it would be better if she is away from dad has accountability and maybe stay with her .I know she is trying to help but she is newly married and I'm not sure this is a good idea as she can cause trouble with them Her husband is a teacher and went so far as to say they will remove alcohol from home,the rules no drinking or partying and pay a small amount of rent plus go to counselling weekly.
My older daughter even said she would put the $ away for her to save for a condo without her knowing.
My heart melted but at the same time I know it's their decision so I just listened but everything in me wants to say don't ask her. I don't want them to have any trouble. A month ago I would have said yes do it help her but I know no one can help her!
Losing hope :(
Should they offer?

It's entirely up to your older daughter and her husband if they truly do want to make that offer, but if they asked my advice I'd tell them not to. Your younger daughter will not appreciate any of it. She might say some nice things to get them to let her move in, but once she's there, she will rebel against them and their rules so fast their heads will spin. Maybe suggest that your older daughter attend a couple of Al-Anon meetings with you? You both could use some support!

I was thinking the same.
I have asked her to come with me to alanon and I'm hopeful she will .
She's in Cuba right now on her honeymoon:)